A/N: Sooooo... it's been a while. Only took me what, two and a half years to update? Life happens, you know? I was diagnosed with Bipolar I after a full-blown psychotic episode, so that was a thing. I got married, and am in the process of getting divorced. The marriage lasted three weeks. Things are horrible right now, but I am doing the best I can. I've been meaning to update this forever, and finally pulled it together enough to actually sit down and do so. Dedicated to my beloved Kay, who has put up with my unstable self and been an incredible friend to me for the past almost three years. This one's for you, bae 3

"How has your week been, Lily?"

The redhead shrugged, rapping her fingers anxiously on the armrest of her chair. "Fine, I suppose," she retorted, her tone clipped.

Her therapist observed her, her facial expression carefully neutral. "You suppose you're fine?" she repeated.

"James and I had a row."

"Oh?" she asked, her expression neutral.

"About Sirius."

Her therapist nodded. "Right, Sirius… he lived with James, correct?"

Lily nodded. "We saw Sirius at a party last weekend. It got James all bent out of shape about not speaking to Sirius." She paused, frowning. "James… he doesn't understand. Doesn't understand that I can't let it go, what Sirius did. He laid his hands on me and it just… I can't," she continued, shaking her head furiously.

"Have you tried explaining to James why Sirius' behavior triggered painful memories in you?"

"No," she retorted, frowning. "I could never… James doesn't need to know…"

"You don't think it's something that he would understand?"

"No, no, not that… I just… I don't want him to look at me like that. Like I'm weak…" she replied, staring down at her feet. "No one knows about that."

"James knows you're in therapy, correct?"

"Yeah, everyone knows. They just think it's for my depression. They don't know about… about Da."

"And you think he would see you as weak if you were to tell him?"

"He'd see me as broken. Someone that needs fixing. Like he is with Sirius."

"You're angry at Sirius for what he did?"

"Well… yeah. I know I was always the first person to defend him, I know that what he did isn't entirely his fault, that it's the drugs and the drinking and the BPD but… but… he has to be held accountable. He has to. It's not fair… it's not fair that everyone just always excuses his actions away, writes it off as a non-issue, let's him go scot-free. It's just like with my Da and…" she trailed off, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"Have you spoken to your mother recently?"

She shook her head no. "No. Haven't spoken to her or Petunia since I left for uni. How could I? They chose him over me. Like they always did. Always with the excuses. 'Oh Da doesn't mean it, he's had a bad day,' or 'He can't be accountable for what he does when he's pissed' or 'He didn't hit you that hard.' It's always the same shite with them."

Her therapist nodded, pausing to write something down on her notepad. "You and James have been seeing each other for quite some time. Are you sure you can't open out to James about your past?"

Lilly nodded vehemently. "James… James is lovely, and I care for him deeply but he just… he wouldn't understand. He's got this perfect little family, comes from this picture perfect home. He couldn't…" she trailed off, shaking her head. "James is hot-headed. Everything is black and white in his head… just or unjust. Even if he were to get it, to understand why I am the way I am… he'd demand justice. Probably ring my family and tell them off."

She laughed, rolling her eyes. "A fat lot that would do. As if they don't all hate me, already."

Her therapist nodded, pursing her lips. "Why don't you tell me about what else has been going on this week?" she prompted.

Lily shrugged. "I don't know… school has been hard. I'm… I'm taking calc III and I'm shit at calculus. Sirius… he always helped me with it," she noted, staring down at her hands. "Is it fucked up that I miss him?" she asked, glancing up at her therapist.

"You miss Sirius?" her therapist asked, eyeing her carefully.

Lily sighed, running her hands through her hair. "I don't know… yes… no… I mean… he was my friend, you know? I know he's sick. Part of me feels horrible that I can't forgive his actions. But I just… I just can't. I know that I don't need to condone his behavior or tolerate his abusive actions but… he was a good friend. He was a good friend to me. When Sirius is well, he's an amazing friend. He always helped me with coursework I didn't understand. Sirius is bloody brilliant. Especially with maths… science… everything, really. He was the one who told James to back off before we started dating, when he was pressing so hard to get me to date him… when I wasn't ready to let anyone into my life. When I wasn't ready to deal with intimacy. He'd pull him away and tell him to leave it be. I just… I don't understand, you know? It's like he's two different people, sometimes. There's caring, considerate Sirius and then there's… the Sirius who slapped me and held me against the wall."

"You're feeling guilt over not being able to forgive Sirius for his actions."

Lily nodded. "He shoved Remus. That's another thing… it's not just what he did to me. He hurt my friend… his boyfriend. Jesus fucking Christ, he knocked out his boyfriend's friend, Jack. That kind of violence… I don't care that he's borderline, I don't care that he was probably high or drunk… there's no excuse for that behavior."

"You said you saw him at a party last week, correct?"

Again, Lily nodded. "He looks terrible. Part of me hurts so badly for him. He's obviously sick… emaciated. Strung out on god knows what. Rationally, I know why James is so distraught. It's his best friend… his family. Sirius is the brother he never had. And he cut him off, no questions asked… because of me. I can't help but feel a little guilty over that. It's one thing for me to cut ties with Sirius, but to expect James to do the same… I don't even know where Sirius went after James kicked him out, who was there to take care of him. His family is so awful…" she trailed off, wiping stray tears from her face. "We bonded over that, you know? Being estranged from family… having shitty family lives… I hate to think we threw him out with nowhere to go but back there."

A sob escaped Lily's lips and she covered her face with her hands, willing herself to even her breathing.

"You aren't responsible for James' actions, Lily," her therapist said gently, offering her a box of Kleenex. "He is his own person. He has autonomous will. He chose to sever ties with Sirius. Not you. You made a decision that was best for you, cutting off Sirius from your life. You are only responsible for taking are of you and owning your own decisions. No one else."

"Then why does it feel like this is all my fault?" Lily said miserably, sniffling.

"The situation with Sirius triggered a flashback of the abuse you experienced at your father's hand, Lily," her therapist said calmly, again offering her the box of Kleenex. "You have post-traumatic stress disorder. It's a natural response to relive trauma when a similar incident occurs."

"It's been years, though," Lily protested, blowing her nose. "When the fuck is it going to go away? Why am I still hurting so much when I haven't even seen him in over five years?"

"It takes time, dear," her therapist replied, shooting her a sympathetic look.

"I'm tired of feeling like this… I just want it to go away."

After careful deliberation, James had decided that he needed to speak to Sirius, to clear the air. You mean your conscience, he chastised himself, shaking his head. After numerous attempts and failures crafting the appropriate I'm sorry, how are you? text message, he'd decided that it was best to speak to Sirius face-to-face. As such, he'd taken it upon himself to make the rounds of Sirius' usual haunts, in search of him.

Four bars later, he found himself at a bar near Sloane Square. It wasn't one of Sirius' regular spots, but he'd been known to stop in there, particularly while he was still on speaking terms with his parents. He sighed heavily, catching sight of Sirius' BMW parked out front. He's here. Taking a deep breath for courage, James entered the bar, hoping that he had the nerve to actually speak with his friend.

He spotted Sirius posted up at the far end of the bar, staring despondently into a tumbler of whiskey. Not quite prepared to face him, James approached the bar, signaling the bartender.

"What can I get ya?" the barmaid asked, eyeing him up and down.

"Shot of Jameson and a lager?" James requested, careful to keep his voice low.

She nodded, expertly pouring him a shot and a draft. Before she could tell him his total, James all but threw his Amex at her, offering her a quick, "ta," before tossing the shot back. Furtively, he glanced down the bar towards Sirius, watching as he drained the contents of his glass. James quietly sipped his beer, continuing to observe his former best friend. He frowned, watching as Sirius shoved his glass forward, nodding at the barmaid for another drink, his eyes downcast, apparently intent on staring down at the bar top.

James continued to nurse his beer, watching as Sirius threw back another whiskey, again requesting a refill. Unable to stand it any longer, he finished his own beer, biting his lip anxiously as he nervously rose to his feet and began approaching Sirius.

He stood behind him, unsure as to whether he should tap him on the shoulder or get his attention by saying his name. Sighing, he elected to go with the latter. "Sirius," he said lowly, careful to keep his tone even.

Sirius turned his head, eyes widening in shock as he made eye contact with James. "James?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"You got a minute?" James asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Sirius shrugged. "S'pose so. Not like I have any pressing matters to tend to, do I?" he retorted, laughing hollowly.

James nodded, unsure of how to respond."D'ya wanna step outside? Talk somewhere a little more…" he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders, unable to conceal a frown as Sirius sniffled, wiping his nose with his sleeve. A trail of blood stained his shirtsleeve.

"Sure. Could use a smoke, anyway."

"So…" James started, leaning against the brick wall of the bar, around the side where Sirius had hustled him over to.

"It's not your fault, James," Sirius sighed, sparing James the need to continue.

"It was shitty of me to just bail on you like I did, Pads. I'm sorry."

Sirius frowned, rummaging through his pockets for a pack of cigarettes. Slowly and deliberately, he removed one, lighting up and inhaling. "Stop blaming yourself. I laid my hands on a woman. I may be fucked up, but even I know that's wrong, James," he said finally, taking another drag.

"Are you okay?" James asked, toying nervously with his hair.

"Yeah," Sirius affirmed, nodding, "I'm fine, James."

"You still in London?"

"Yeah. I've been staying with Evie. She's got a townhouse in Chelsea. Nice digs."

James nodded. "Good… That's good to hear."

"And you? How are you?"

"I'm alright… Sirius, gods… I'm so sorry it took me this long to-"

"James," Sirius interrupted, sighing heavily. "It's fine. I said it's fine. Please."

"I missed you so much. I was just…" James trailed off, scuffing his shoe against the pavement.

"Yeah," Sirius replied lowly, eyes grazing towards the ground.

"It was wrong of me to leave you like I did, Pads. I don't care what happened… you're my brother. I'm sick, thinking of how you've been holding up, what could have-"

"But it didn't," Sirius cut him off brusquely. "I'm fine. I carried on just fine without you or anyone else. I have Bella. And Evelyn. They took care of me."

"Mum said you weren't answering your phone…" James noted, not meeting his friend's eyes.

"Well, I changed my number," Sirius retorted, eyes dark.

"Oh," James said softly, staring back down at the pavement.

"What do you want me to say, James?" Sirius said lowly, a hint of impatience in his tone.

"I don't want-"

"Spare me, Jamie," Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes. "It's been five fucking months. What, are you hear to clear your conscience?"

"Sirius."

Sirius laughed, a dark, barking sound. "You're something else, you know that, James?"

James remained quiet, staring down at his trainers.

"If you cared about me, you would have reached out sooner. I bet I didn't even cross your mind until you were forced to acknowledge my existence at Marley's party," Sirius continued, his voice dripping with acid.

"Sirius… that's not fair," James protested weakly. "I-"

"You what? Please, James, by all means… tell me what you did. Because if memory serves, you punched me in the face and told me to get out, and I haven't heard from your since," Sirius spat, eyes shining with anger. "You chose your side."

"I didn't choose…" James trailed off, sighing.

Sirius shook his head, tsking. "Never expected you'd be the sort to choose pussy over your best mate, Jamie," he said sharply,lips curled into a snarl.

"Sirius," James snapped, scowling.

"Just stating the facts, mate," Sirius retorted, his voice ringing out in mock-cheerfulness.

The two stood in silence for some time. Sirius lit another cigarette, eyes blank as he stared out across the street at the cars passing by.

James coughed, clearing his throat. "You're angry at me."

Sirius shrugged, inhaling deeply. He blew a ring of smoke in the air, tilting his head upward, staring at the sky.

"You're angry at me," James repeated, stating it as a fact.

Again, Sirius shrugged. "Yeah," he replied, laughing coldly. "I s'pose I am."

Evelyn took a deep drag off her cigarette, eyeing Sirius warily as he paced about the parlor, drink in one hand, cigarette in the other, carelessly flicking ash to the floor.

"You're in a mood," Evelyn observed, right eyebrow raised.

Sirius glared, taking a deep sip of his drink, draining nearly half the contents.

"Something happen while you were out, love?" Evelyn asked, taking a prim sip of her own gin and tonic.

Sirius groaned, angrily stubbing his cigarette out in the ashtray before running his free hand through his locks. "Ran into James," he said shortly, scowling.

Evelyn remained silent, nodding for him to continue.

"Rather, he came looking for me," he continued, shaking his head angrily.

"I take it didn't go well."

Again, Sirius groaned, shaking his head furiously. "He's just…" he trailed off, polishing off the last of his drink.

Evelyn watched as he stalked towards the bar, sloppily pouring himself a refill.

"Who the fuck does he think he is, showing up fucking almost six months after everything, under the pretense of wanting to see how I am or apologize or whatever the fuck he was doing?" he scoffed, shaking his head.

Evelyn pursed her lips, rattling the ice in her drink. "Did he at least apologize?" she queried.

"That's not the point!" Sirius snapped, slamming his drink down on the nearest flat surface.

"Grab a coaster. Please," Evelyn said, voice void of emotion.

Sirius rolled his eyes but complied, placing his drink on an available coaster on the coffee table.

"It's just…" Sirius trailed off, pulling his cigarettes from his back pocket. He removed one, lighting it and inhaling slowly.

Evelyn observed, watching as he exhaled, smoke pluming out of his mouth. She finished her drink, rising to her feet to refill it.

"He's my brother. He's my family," he continued, taking a drag off his cigarette. "Or at least I thought he was."

Evelyn took a sip of her refreshed drink, returning to her seat on the couch. "He hurt you, badly," she observed.

"He's always been there for me and… and suddenly he just wasn't, you know?" he noted.

Evelyn nodded. "You're allowed to be angry at him, Siri."

Sirius nodded, grabbing his drink and taking another swig before putting it back down. "It fucked with me… he was always the constant in my life. No matter what I did, how awful I was, how badly I fucked up, he was always there, always had by back. And then he didn't."

Evelyn bit her lip. "Siri…"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, face crumbling. "I just…" he trailed off, a sob escaping his lips.

Evelyn sighed, pressing her lips together. "Oh Siri… sweetheart, come here," she beckoned, motioning for him to join her.

Sirius obeyed, all but falling into her arms, face pressed against shoulder. "It's okay, honey… let it out, it's okay," she told him, rubbing his back.

Tears flooded from Sirius' eyes, dampening Evelyn's blouse, his sobs muffled against her chest. Evelyn pulled him closer to her, whispering soothing words into his ear. "You're okay, baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you're hurting, love," she told him, running her free hand through his unruly hair.

Sirius began to cry harder, his chest heaving as he sobbed harder, involuntarily shaking his head.

"I love you, Sirius. I'm so sorry that he hurt you. I'm sorry that your friends weren't there for you through all of this… but you are so loved, Sirius. I love you. Bella loves you, she loves you so much. Regulus loves you. I promise that you will be okay, baby. I know it's hard and everything is awful right now, but you are going to be okay," Evelyn told him, her voice soothing.

"Will you call Bella?" Sirius asked softly, in between sob.

"Of course, honey," Evelyn told him, squeezing him tightly. "I'll call her right now. She'll come round."

James poured himself a drink, slouching down at the kitchen island, head resting on the cool granite surface.

"Everything alright?" his mother asked, wandering into the kitchen.

James sighed heavily, raising his head. "I saw Sirius today," he noted, staring down at his drink.

"Oh?" his mother replied, taking a seat beside him.

James nodded, bringing the glass to his lips.

"That bad?" his mother queried, frowning.

James sighed, taking another sip.

Silently, his mother rose to her feet, grabbing another glass from the cabinet. James watched as she poured herself a glass of whiskey, joining him again at the island. She took a sip, eyeing him carefully. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"He's furious with me," James said lowly, avoiding her eyes.

"What makes you say that?" she asked, taking another sip of her drink.

James snorted, shaking his head hopelessly. "He told me as much. He's angry at me."

His mother sighed, rapping her fingernails against the counter top. "How'd he look?" she asked, carefully changing the subject.

"Terrible," James replied, taking a deep sip of his whiskey. He winced, the liquor burning his throat. "He's… he's getting bad again, mum."

His mother bit her lip, swirling the contents of her glass in her right hand.

"I don't know if it's drugs or the eating disorder but… he's so skinny, mum. He looks bad. Sick. I did that to him. It's my fault, my fault," his lips trembled and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry.

"Oh, James," his mother said soothingly, wrapping him into an embrace. "It's not your fault, honey."

"But it is!" he retorted, shaking his head furiously. "I abandoned him. It's like you said before… he was in pain and needed a friend, and I wasn't there for him!"

"You're here for him now, James. You reached out. I'm so proud of you for reaching out," his mother told him, squeezing his shoulder. "I know it was hard for you, that you were afraid to after so much time had passed."

"And what did it do? Nothing," James said bitterly, shaking his head. He took another sip of his drink. "He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, honey," his mother told him, taking a sip of her own drink. "Give him time. You reached out. Let him be angry for a bit. He knows you care about him. He'll calm down."

"So what do I do, now? Just wait?" James asked, finishing off his drink. He rose to his feet, quickly pouring himself another.

His mother took another sip of her drink, considering her words. "Did he say who he's been staying with? If he's safe?"

James nodded. "He's in London… staying with Evelyn."

"Evelyn Greengrass?" his mother asked, eyebrow raised.

"The very same," James retorted, laughing hollowly.

"How on Earth does he know Evelyn?" she asked, perplexed.

James shrugged, took a deep sip from his drink. "Fuck if I know. She's a socialite, right? Probably ran in the same circles as his family."

"Do you want your father to-"

"Could you?" James interrupted, shooting her a pleading look. "I just want to know he's okay… that someone is taking care of him."

His mother nodded, reaching over to run a hand through his unruly locks. "I know, sweetheart. I'll have your father ring Mr. Greengrass, get Evelyn's number."

"Thanks mum."