The Aphrodite Method

AN: What would happen if the tri-couples are sent to Aphrodite's marriage counseling? A whole lot of hell, that's for sure! Here's my take on a comical, slightly angst-y and fluffy version of what marriage counseling from Aphrodite would look like. I wrote this out of the sheer idea of writing for fun, and also for practice. Enjoy!

Main pairings: Zeus/Hera, Poseidon/Amphitrite and Hades/Persephone
This story will feature a few PJO/HOO characters as well.

The day in Olympus started as normally as it possibly could. Well, as normally as it possibly could. If any historians wrote that the Olympians were a family-oriented bunch, then they clearly haven't seen that what they call "heaven" is actually hell behind closed doors.

Of course, the culprit – or the beginner of arguments, among many things – was the king and queen of the gods. If anybody asked for specification, then it was surely all Zeus's fault. Apparently, the king of the gods still hasn't moved on from the inevitable that was the second Gigantomachy. While the king has sorely forgiven his prophetic son, he clearly hasn't made amends with his wife.

"Are you getting this on tape?" Ares grinned as he asked Hephaestus above the bantering noise between Zeus and Hera.

"Seriously?" Athena rolled her eyes at Ares from across the inverted U.

"I'll be so ashamed of you, Heph, if you're not putting this on the Hephaestus TV." Apollo snickered from beside the blacksmith. "This would get solid ratings! In fact, I think this is the perfect time for a haiku!"

"No!" Hermes yelled as he held up his hands. "Getting this on tape, yes. Your haikus? Honestly, for the god of prophecies, it needs some serious work."

Apollo looked pained. "But I already prepared the haiku for a moment like this!"

"I have to admit, it is a great form of entertainment." Hephaestus finally spoke up, and Ares slapped his brother's back in agreement.

"How about, instead of you two meddling idiots finally agreeing on something worth brotherly, you try to keep your parents from tearing each other apart?" Hestia scolded from the middle of the inverted U. Since she was in the form of a child rather than her womanly form, the two gods found it impossible to take their aunt seriously.

"I would, Aunt Hestia, but…" Ares's grin never left him as he continued to eye his bantering parents. "This is just too solid-gold to stop."

"Zeus, I don't think this argument is worth the others watching." Poseidon warned as he attempted to hold his brother down while Demeter did so with Hera.

"Why can't they just settle this matter in the bedroom?" Demeter asked in an exasperated tone as she continued to get a grip on her sister.

"We don't share a bedroom!" Hera exclaimed as she struggled against Demeter's hold. "Let me go, Demeter – or I swear I'll blast you off before I could do so with Zeus!"

"You wouldn't dare blast me off, woman!" Zeus retaliated as he tried to bite off Poseidon's arm – but the elder brother had the upper hand. "You are the reason why this Gigantomachy happened. If you had just kept your mouth shut—"

"I would, if you hadn't slowed your take on the prophecy! It would have been too late if I let your minimal knowledge get the best of everyone in this family!" Hera snapped back at him, hissing when she felt Demeter's nails dig into her skin. "Damn it, Demeter!"

"Hades, help us out here!" Poseidon yelled to the oldest brother from across the very far end of the room.

Hades – who was in an argument himself with Persephone – glared at Poseidon from afar. "I have my own wife problems over here!"

"Wife problems?!" Persephone screeched at her husband. "Is that what you call it now, Hades?"

The god of the underworld pointed at his wife helplessly as he yelled back at Poseidon. "See what I mean?!"

"Whose bright idea was it to have this meeting in the first place?" Athena groaned from the right side of the inverted U.

Aphrodite checked her scarlet-colored nails as she replied, "I think it was Hestia's, but clearly the attempt to make amends is far from the norm."

"This is just like watching something out of a sitcom." Artemis commented as she blew a stray hair away from her face. The huntress then turned to the goddess of love before asking, "Shouldn't you be helping?"

"What matters could I possibly help with?" Aphrodite asked in mock horror.

"Oh, I don't know, dear." Dionysus drawled out as he massaged his forehead. The god of wine hasn't had a decent drop of alcohol in centuries, yet he's getting a headache far worse than attempting to sober himself. "Maybe it's because you're the goddess of love and there's clearly a lack thereof between the two?"

Athena's eyes widened at Dionysus's suggestion. "You don't mean…"

"Oh, gods." Artemis hid her face in her hands.

"Are you trying to start World War III, Dionysus?" Athena questioned. "The last thing these two need is…"

"You know, that's actually a great idea!" Aphrodite exclaimed, pumped by the suggestion. "I could even do it three-way by inviting Poseidon, Amphitrite, Hades and Persephone!"

"Consider that World War IV." Artemis commented.

When Hestia overheard the young godlings' conversation, a wise smile graced her lips. She quickly transformed into her woman form before she stood up from the hearth and approached Aphrodite.

"A splendid idea, I might add. I'm sure your marriage counseling would do all of us a favor, my dear." Hestia said softly.

Athena rose from her seat as she protested, "But Aunt Hestia!"

"Hush, child." Hestia silenced the goddess with one finger up. "It's the only way to maintain peace between this world… and all worlds."

"You're making a big mistake…" Dionysus commented in a sing-song voice. "If Eros can't handle Zeus and Hera alone in the field of romance, what more with Poseidon and Amphitrite? And let's not forget Hades and Persephone. It would be a worldwide catastrophe."

"I thought you were in on this?" Aphrodite pouted.

"I did." Dionysus nodded as he watched the couple at the top of the inverted U in horror. "But I realized my mistake way too soon."

"Oh, come now." Hestia laughed lightly as she turned to face her siblings. "You watch and learn, children."

The gods shared a confused look, but they did watch as their aunt walked up to the king and queen of the gods.

"She's doing suicide just by going anywhere near those two!" Artemis exclaimed.

"Shut up, Artemis." Aphrodite shushed her. "She said watch and learn."

The gods expected Hestia to be the settler of the matter in a peaceful manner. What came next was beyond any of the second-generation gods expected.

"Quit it, both of you!" Hestia barked at the king and queen in a manly voice. Yes, a big and gruff manly voice. Like those angry, manly voices you watch in wrestling matches where they throw shade at each other. Yes, that kind of manly voice.

This silenced the hall of the gods and much to everyone's sheer surprise, Zeus and Hera as well. While the couple knew that they were the utmost authority, they clearly knew better than to argue or at least, reason with the eldest first-generation god. After all, Hestia is the bigger sister despite what people thought of her.

"Woah." Apollo was the first to break the silence.

"Yeah, well, that's not the worst of it." Poseidon snorted as he and Demeter released the king and queen. "Wait till' you see someone steal her Honey Almond Cakes. That should give your sorry asses a good whooping."

"After eons of existence, you still banter like a bunch of children. A married couple of cats are far more reasonable than both of you put together, and you are gods." Hestia shook her head before glaring at her siblings. "Both of you – sit."

"Why, I ought to—" Zeus started.

"I said sit!" At Hestia's last words, the floor nearly rumbled at its sheer depth. With reluctant looks, the king and queen obeyed by returning to their thrones.

The goddess of the hearth then turned to face the other gods as her sweet, young womanly voice returned. "Meeting adjourned, my dears. Have a pleasant day."

It took the young godlings a few seconds to realize they were being ordered to leave, and when they did – they quickly scrambled in fear of getting yelled at.

Just as Hades and Persephone were about to leave, Hestia stopped them. "Oh no, you don't. Both of you. Up here. Now."

"But—" Hades protested.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Demeter snickered.

Much to the couple's dismay, Hades and Persephone reluctantly walked up to the main thrones. As they were doing so, Hestia turned to Poseidon. "Dearest brother, kindly summon your wife."

Poseidon looked flustered. "My wife? Amphitrite?"

"Unless you've got another one trapped inside a sea cell then yes, Amphitrite." Hestia said. She then placed a hand on Demeter's shoulder as she explained, "I believe you must go now, sister."

"No way!" Demeter exclaimed. "If my daughter is involved, I am not leaving."

"This is a matter of marriage that needs to be solved immediately. I'm sure you have better plans than to listen to these couples screaming at each other left and right." Hestia explained.

Demeter's eyes widened in horror before looking at her wrist. "Well, now, would you look at the time? Those crops aren't going to bless themselves, you know! Good luck!"

In a whiff of green smoke, the goddess of harvest disappeared.

"Hestia, what are you trying to scheme?" Hera asked with a shake of her head.

The elder goddess grinned almost maniacally as she eyed each and every god that was left in the room. "As soon as Amphitrite arrives, I'll be sending all of you to Aphrodite."

"Aphrodite?" Persephone asked as if it was a joke. "And what does Aphrodite have to do with all of us?"

"Oh, not me. I'm not married." Hestia shook her head as she graced a pleasant smile now. "Aphrodite will solve your little marriage problems."

"Oh, no." Hades began to pale. Apparently, the god knew the consequences of Aphrodite's attempts to fix marriages.

"What's wrong?" Poseidon asked, now scared that Hades was scared.

"That is absolutely degrading!" Hera fumed as she rose from her seat. "I'm the goddess of marriage and you're suggesting I take counseling advice from the goddess of love herself – of all people?"

"I don't think that's what you're supposed to feel terribly about." Hades murmured as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

Zeus frowned this time. "If you know anything about this marriage counseling of Aphrodite's, Hades, spit it out!"

"Oh, you'll find out." Hestia nodded, her maniacal grin returning in an instant.

Already the gods before Hestia's presence were shivering in terror of what the hearth goddess, or the goddess of love for that matter, had in store for them.

AN: Dun dun dun. There's not much, but wait till' you see the second chapter which will come out two days from now - or earlier, depending on the feedback on this first chapter. Please leave some reviews and maybe even some expectations along the way. I'd love to hear from my readers. Thank you for reading, and stay tuned! -EMPG22HoPe

This fanfiction can also be found on Wattpad under my username MDSummers.