Hey everyone!

So, I had this idea for a couple of days and I had to try and write this...

I wanted to write another couple of chapters but first I would like to know what you think about this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rizzoli and Isles

I apologize for eventual grammar errors (english is not my first language)

Jane's POV

Enjoy

"Have you ever made love to someone, Jane?"

The spoon full of milk and cereals that I was going to take in my mouth as the first bite of my dinner after a very long day at work, stopped with my hand just a few inches from my lips.

The question shouldn't have surprised me more than the other ones I heard Maura asking me over the years and when I turned my head to look at her, placing the bowl of cereal on the coffee table in front of me, I saw how her head was tilted on the side, adopting that position she usually took when she was deep in thought.

That big brain of hers working to elaborate something, asking for someone else's opinion because she didn't have enough data to compare.

It was kind of entertaining actually.

And at the moment I didn't know how much that question was going to change our lives.

I smirked, unable to mask my amusement when she came out with this sort of questions.

"Well, I believe that you have met some of the persons with whom I had some kind of sexual relationship over the years, Maura..."

She took a seat on the couch beside me, facing me, resting her long creamy legs under her just before she looked at me showing something that made me furrow my eyebrows in confusion, but before I could understand what it was, she spoke again.

"I think I did, but you didn't answer my question."

I looked at the bowl of cereal in front of me letting out a sigh, knowing that I wasn't going to eat them any time soon.

Knowing that Maura was waiting for an answer I quickly replayed her question in my head and I realized that I didn't actually answered it directly.

I nodded to myself in understanding, I didn't need clarifications about what she was exactly asking, but just to be sure...

"You want to know if I had made love to my former lovers or if it was sex?"

It sounded more than a statement than a question when I said it and my eyebrows furrowed further as I heard how strange such thing sounded coming from me. I wasn't used to have these kind of conversations, and the fact that it was Maura asking me these questions, didn't make things easier.

However, at my last sentence, Maura beamed, one of those excited smiles that she gave to me and only me whenever she had occasion to explain some difficult medical science procedure, or like just in this case when she knew I understood what she was talking about at the first shot.

That beautiful full smile was kind of contagious, and for an instant I found myself lost into those bright hazel eyes as I felt forming a smaller one on my lips, until it turned into a serious expression and then into pure sadness that made me divert my gaze from her.

"Jane?"

The concern in her voice was unmistakable. I felt her shift slightly on the couch until she reached out with one hand, gently placing it on my shoulder to offer comfort for something she didn't even know, but she knew I was feeling suddenly distressed.

The touch, the heat of her hand burnt through the cotton t-shirt I was wearing, making my insides flutter at the point that I felt a slight nervousness, and shaking my core like only she was capable of.

I raised my gaze from where I was fixing my hands, clasped in front of me as I rested my elbows on my knees.

It was an easy enough question to answer, I could have avoided it knowing that Maura wasn't going to press me further, but... When I saw the concern, the affection and acceptance lying into her eyes, I knew that I wasn't going to lose her if I would have revealed to her one of the things that only few persons knew about me and that no one ever dared to talk about.

It was in my past.

Lot of things had happened in my past, things that could make anyone lose their sleep for years, but this...

This just made me build a steel barrier around my heart.

A barrier that just one person is been able to chip without even realizing it...

I kept looking at her, as if I was searching for something that could make me back away and reconsider the idea of telling her, but she remained there, open, patiently waiting for me like she always did.

I took a deep steady breath, my hands starting to shake and sweating, but I had already taken my decision.

"It happened a long time ago..." I started as if it was the beginning of a book, and seeing that I had all of Maura's attention, I continued.

"I was at the accademy, training to become a police officer. I was very young and even if in all my childhood and teenage years I had plenty of friends, when I arrived there I was more secluded, focused on what I needed to do to have the best results, so not a lot of time to develop serious friendships..."

I paused running a hand through my hair before I buried myself again in those memories that seemed the ones of another life in that moment.

"There was an exception however," A smile appeared on my lips as I thought about that encounter. "We met during a session of obstacle course and I was so taken by this person that when the whole group started running I tripped over myself and sprained my ankle on the first round."

I heard Maura laughing heartly and I chuckled shaking my head replaying the scene inside of my head.

When we both calmed down I continued.

"They helped me to the infirmary and from that moment we were practically inseparable. Class together, training together... Everything." I gestured with my hands to give her the idea.

"We were so different from one other but at the same time so similar that it's difficult to explain. But we worked together, so much in fact that from what we had, along the way our friendship became something more... Something deeper."

The corner of my mouth turned up in a tender smile and I looked up at Maura.

"And we fell in love with each other."

Maura seemed as taken by my story as a kid listening to a fairy tale and the smile she gave me back was sweet and full of encouragement to continue.

But differently from a fairy tale, I wasn't going to finish this story with an 'and they lived happily ever after'.

An uneasy sense of nervousness pervaded me at the point that I felt my stomach turns and clench tightly.

"After we finished the accademy, we ended up being partners taking 911 calls. We mantained our relationship a secret to everyone."

The sensation in my stomach was so uncomfortable that I thought I wasn't going to be able to finish, and Maura had noticed the sudden grimace that appeared on my face.

"Jane if it is too painful for you to remember this, I understand..." She reassured me and I heard the sincerity in her voice as much as I could see it in her eyes. She caressed my arm up and down affectionately and the gesture was enough to help me to breath more easily, swallowing the sudden lump that took place in my throat.

"One night, we received a call for a shooting between rival gangs which were currently contending areas for their drug distibution..."

I felt the hand on my arm stopping the comforting movement, until it dropped slowly on the cushion of the couch. I turned to see a look of concern and anguish appear on Maura's features.

"The call was for all the units around the area but we were the first to arrive at the scene..."

I stopped, feeling my throat constricted with so many tears that it hurt, swallowing hard to push the sensation away before I looked up at Maura again.

"We did everything by the book Maura, I swear."

She didn't hesitate, she took my hand in hers, squeezing it lightly. "I know you did Jane."

I nodded as flashes from that night continued to assault me.

"I heard sounds coming from the abbandoned warehouse in front of us. I was almost at the door when I heard a scream coming from behind me. I turned and I saw one of those drug dealer pointing a gun at my partner's head."

Maura gasped but I kept going, not knowing if I would have found the courage to do so if I was going to stop now.

"I was terrified. I tried to make him reason and just when he was to the point of release my partner, sirens sounded all around of other police cars that there were coming... And he snapped. He pushed my partner towards me before raising the gun."

I still remembered that sickening sound as he pulled the trigger twice.

"It all happened so fast that I didn't even have time to react. I saw my partner fall on the concrete and the next thing I knew, other officers were all around us arresting that son of a bitch while I was kneeling on the ground hoping that my partner was alright."

I took in a steady breath as more tears welled up in my eyes but I refused to let them fall as much as I refused to turn and meet the look of anguish I knew I would have found on Maura's face.

"But when I saw the massive red pool on the concrete, I knew that there was nothing I could have done..."

A single tear escaped despite my best efforts and I wiped it away angrily before it could fall.

"The bastard used bullets that penetrated the vest, and the pressure I was putting on the wound was useless, but it didn't keep me from trying. I-I had to do something..."

My voice cracked at last and my eyes fluttered shut, a second later Maura was embracing me as tightly as she could leaving me just enough space to breath.

When she released me I prepared myself for the part that didn't matter how many years had passed, it always destroyed me.

"...she died in my arms."

I didn't tell her how I saw the light slowly fading away from her blue eyes.

I didn't tell her that the last thing she said to me was that she loved me.

And I didn't tell her about the unbearable pain I felt when her heart stopped beating under my fingertips.

"Oh God, Jane... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry..." This time when she took me in her arms I embraced her back, until the tears stopped.

"I had no idea Jane... I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

We parted by she kept a hold on my hands and I gave her a sad smile.

"It's okay Maura... It happened a long time ago." I offered but I could see that she was still deeply emotionally shocked by my story.

"I kept asking myself if there was something I could have done. Anything. Maybe if I would have reacted faster, or payed more attention... Maybe Sarah would still be alive."

Maura's hand came up to cup my cheek urging me to look at her. "It wasn't your fault Jane."

I just nodded, sadly, defeated even after all those years.

"Yeah... I know that now. But that still doesn't make me feel better."

We remained in silence for a few more moments until Maura spoke, her voice soft and tentative.

"Do you miss her?"

I looked up, trying to find an appropriate answer.

"I think part of me will always miss her... But I have accepted what happened. I think that's something."

Another small pause as she nodded, then another tentative question.

"Was Sarah the first person you fell in love with?"

I smiled, thinking back at those good times when we were at the accademy and then rookies and I found myself nodding.

"Yes..." The smile never leaving my face as I remembered all the moments we spent together. "She was."

When Maura spoke again, her voice was so soft that I had to turn and pay extra attention at what she was saying.

"And, did you ever loved anyone else as much as you loved her?" She looked somehow nervous all of a sudden, rubbing her hand up and down her arm and diverting her gaze from mine.

How could I tell her?

How could I tell to my best friend that I had waited another life but that I had finally found a person who made me as happy and feel as safe and loved as much as Sarah did?

This time, my hand came up, cupping her cheek delicately, urging her to meet my gaze.

Hazel eyes were shining with so many emotions that left me breathless and the only words I managed to say, were barely above a whisper.

"Yes... Only one."