Disclaimer: I own NOTHING except my OC. Credit goes to the respective owners. I tried to make a sketch of what Ayame looks like so please see my profile for her picture and her bio.

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A/N: Reedited: 09/11/18

Take note that this entire fanfic has been heavily edited. It is advisable to re-read from chapter 1 due to some chapters being rewritten. I'm sorry for that but I felt that some issues needed to be addressed and so I did what I did.

With the edit finally done, I might begin updating this fic again when I have the time. So to those who waited, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for sticking with this fanfic!

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Chapter XXIII: This Tightrope We Walk

"Beware, that when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become one..."

-Friedrich Nietzesche-

--*--

I blocked the kagune aimed for me, gritting my teeth in the process as I dug the sole of my foot onto the ground to prevent being flown off my feet. Releasing my own, I tried to attack my opponent with a barrage of projectiles from my Ukaku but he had easily predicted it and used the pillars to block it.

"Close but not enough," Makoto spoke out as he emerged from the damaged pillar, his kagune retracting back as I finally let myself relax and collapsed to the floor tiredly, my body taking in ragged breaths.

"10 minutes. That's how long you can keep up with me in your Ukaku before you wear out. Your projectiles can kill a few ghouls in a closed area but I think it would be better to only use this when you are absolutely sure you can win against them. Let me see your bikaku," Makoto explained, enough to give me time to rest and retract my Ukaku. With a huff, I managed to conjure my twin-tailed bikaku but only for me to collapse to the ground tiredly, the kagune dissipating as I did so.

"As I thought…A ghoul's meat is not enough," Makoto murmured to himself while I wiped the sweat trickling down my face.

It had been two days since Kaneki had been taken. Two days I had been training. It was my only source of sanity- training non-stop with my brother. If I had let things go by without doing anything then I might not be able to save Kaneki with such a weak power such as mine. Yoshimura-san had strictly given us ten days to prepare before we stormed the Aogiri's base.

In all honesty, I wanted to run there to his side quickly but I knew that I'd be dead the moment I take my first step in the base. It tormented me to know that until everyone could mobilize then I would have to be patient. I want to believe that Touka's training has done its magic and that somehow Kaneki would survive until we get there. It was the only hope I had to keep me sane and the only reason I kept on training until Makoto had to force me to stop from the number of times I nearly broke my body just to keep on fighting.

I had managed to at least summon my kagune without effort and even control my kakugan from emerging when I got too frustrated or angry with myself. It was a progress for my first day but on my second day… things didn't look too well for me when I had to use it for combat. All I kept doing was running and every time I did, I could hear her sneer in my head at how weak I was. I did my best to block her out but there were times she would take control and I would always end up being pinned to the ground by Makoto because I got careless.

"What do you mean it's not enough?" I gasped tiredly as I tried to regain my composure back from the strenuous effort of summoning my bikaku. My hoarse voice echoed within the sewage system we used as a training ground when I spoke. I could hear mice scamper from above the pipes, their squeaks sometimes in sync with the sound of water droplets connecting with the damp ground below.

Makoto never had the chance to reply before footsteps besides ours echoed in the secret tunnel. Our bodies instantly jerked to the sound in alarm only to relax when we saw Yoshimura-san appear from the shadows.

"I think it's enough for today, Ayame-chan," He spoke which caused me to frown at him. Rest wasn't in my itinerary, the thought of Kaneki probably suffering because it was taking us forever to get to him plaguing me. I really wanted to believe Yoshimura-san's words and wait it out before we struck Aogiri but when it concerned Hide and Kaneki, a part in me just couldn't stay still.

I'm already losing so many important people to me because of my weak self. I can't afford to lose more...

"I-I can't. I'm sorry, Yoshimura-san," My apology seems to only upset him, his eyes barely opening to reveal his kakugan.

"You've done your part, Ayame. Don't forget that we are all here working together. You aren't alone in this, remember that." Yoshimura-san drops the honorifics and this time I really do stop what I am doing when he reminds me that I'm not alone.

It's not that I forget that they are here. It's the fact that I don't want to be a burden to them that makes me strive this hard. The feeling of weakness, 'she' had made it perfectly clear to me. Taking everything from me, I don't even know why she would do so. Why she wants me to suffer.

And yet, it's because of her that I see the world in a much different and darker shade. It is because of her that the clouded haze over my eyes have been lifted. As much as I wanted to live the lie of peace... I know that the only way to move forward is to come to terms with the reality being presented to me.

"Besides, you have a guest upstairs looking for you." Yoshimura-san adds with finality, my ears perking up to his words.

A guest? Who could it be?

--*--

"Yo, Ayame!" I stare dumbfounded at the sight of Hide saluting to me, a hot cup of coffee remaining untouched on his table. Everyone in Anteiku leaves us be- back to work like usual while Makoto remains next to me. Hide notices him in a heartbeat, his eyes curiously turning to my brother.

"Oh, who's he? I didn't think you moved on so soon." He teased causing me to turn red in embarrassment. "W-what?! Knock it off, Hide. He's my brother!"

"Brother? Wait, you mean you had a brother?!" It took a moment for it to sink in but when it did, he looked as shocked as I was when I first met Makoto. Only my brother remained calm to the whole situation, although a light smile could be seen marking his lips as if the sight seemed amusing to watch.

"So... Uh, looks like introductions are in order then...Sorry for the confusion." Hide chuckled nervously while extending his hand for a shake. Makoto returns the gesture, both of whom already hitting it off rather nicely. "I'm Hide by the way. Ayame and I go way back when we were kids."

"Nice to meet you, Hide. My name is Makoto, Ayame's real brother. Nice to know she has good friends surrounding her."

"Anyways, as much as it'd be nice to speak with you, I'm sure you and Ayame have a lot of catching up to do. I'll leave you both for now." Makoto makes it clear with his statement that as much as I want to train, rest would be the best course of action for now. Although I already told them that I have no option to rest, the sight of Hide makes me realize that I've been a terrible friend by leaving him like this.

Kaneki and I have been drifting away from him and it makes me guilty for doing so.

"Why don't we go for a walk, Hide?"

--*--

The park is silent for once, the late afternoon sun bathing the sight in orange and red as if on fire.

"Kaneki and I have been worried sick, you know. Disappearing out of the blue without even a word and then you come back with a long lost family member like it's nothing. If only Kaneki were here then you'd get a earful from him." Hide continues to reprimand me, his back facing me while he rummages his pocket for a change for the vending machine.

I let him continue without speaking up, knowing deep down that I deserved it. I've been so focused lately about trying to save Kaneki that I failed to consider Hide's feelings. The feeling of being left out is painful. Regardless of the dangers, Hide still continues to reach out to us. I've been selfish to both him and Kaneki. If I had paid more attention then maybe things wouldn't be falling apart like this.

"I heard the news... About your family. They said a ghoul did it- is it true?" Hide asks me carefully, my body going rigid at the memory of her words at how she killed them. Hide takes my silent treatment for a 'yes'- taking his seat next to me by the bench as he hands me a can of cola.

"Is that why you left? Or why Kaneki left? Leaving me without a word... It gets pretty lonely, you know."

"I-I..." I try to speak up but no words form. What could I even say to him? The way he said it, the slight crack in his voice, even though Hide carries himself like nothing can faze him, I've known him long enough to know that all of it is just his facade. The real him worries just as much as both Kaneki and I do and for him to be incapable of doing anything to help... He's just as frustrated as I am with our helplessness.

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I'm just glad to know that you're back and even finding your real brother along the way. But I guess this is my karma for being selfish. Is it wrong to just ask for one more day of normalcy? Both you and Kaneki have been distant lately. I understand that we all have our own lives but-,"

"At least try to keep in touch. You and Kaneki always seem to forget that rabbits get lonely." He finally finishes with a small empty smile while tossing his half-finished cola into the bin.

"I'm sorry, Hide. I know I should have let you know that I was back. After what happened with my family... I've lost a lot of people around me that's why I have to get stronger to protect you all. It clouded me..." I apologized, admitting along the way my own weakness and fear.

"But you, Yoshimura-san and brother have made me realize it. That I don't have to shoulder the burden alone. That you, Kaneki, and everyone in Anteiku were there next to me... That this battle is not mine alone but everyone's as well." I add, mustering the courage as well to face him. Hide's gaze feels like he's staring far-off, a small smile on his lips while he does so.

"I see. I'm glad to know that. Hearing the news... I thought you would become clouded by revenge and leave us to go with your brother. Sorry for being melodramatic but with the way things are now... " Hide shakes his head, probably banishing thoughts that too once plagued me, "Never mind. Just glad to know you're back safe and sound."

"I'm sorry... But once this is over then we can all finally relax. Hanging out at Anteiku, complaining about homeworks... Also it'd be nice if you got to know Makoto as well. Makoto isn't as scary as he looks..." I trail off, the idea of such a future causing us both to grin even amidst the looming reality approaching us.

That's right, after all this is over, things may not be back to normal but at the very least... We can all finally stop running away.

"That's a nice idea. I'll be looking forward to it Ayame." Hide nods- not even bothering to tease me for being too cheesy. After all, we've been waiting for that future to finally happen and no matter what-

I intend to fulfill it.

--*--

We walked in companionable silence- something I missed ever since Kaneki had become a ghoul.

Walking like this... It made me realize how much everything has changed since then. As I glance at Hide's form silently walking next to me- the longing for the day where all three of us would finally be walking together happily again grows strong in my heart.

It's a simple wish. Something I hope would be granted to us after all the things we've been through.

"Do you have any plans after university, Ayame?" The sudden question throws me off-guard, my foot tripping on an invisible rock which made Hide chuckle. I pass him a light glare before contemplating his question.

Before all this ghoul fiasco had started, I never really gave my future much thought. Working by the country side with my family close to me was probably the only thing I could think of then. But with those taken away from me...

What do I even have left back there?

All I have right now are these festering regrets eating up at me. The harsh truth that because I let things pass by as is then it got those important to me killed. All because I wanted to belong in the world I had thought I could never cross.

"I don't know anymore, Hide. All I've been doing these past few years was just following you both around. Unlike you and Kaneki, I never gave my future much thought. And now... I just don't really know where to go from here." I admit, our stride slowing down the more we got closer to Anteiku. It's like neither of us want it to end quickly, even though I know that I have to train harder for Kaneki.

The human part in me still wishes to enjoy this moment with Hide- to at least keep me grounded and know that I still have a human side to go back to. I wish Kaneki could see past it as well though. Maybe that way... We wouldn't all be suffering like this and maybe-

I banish the thoughts away. It's a selfish request and no amount of wishing will bring it back even if I asked. The present and future is all that's left and I have to look at that now.

"You and me both. I guess now that we've come to this, I'm not so sure as well what to do after college. Will life return to normal after all this? But then again it wasn't normal anymore to begin with." Hide admitted, that sad smile on his lips accentuating the loneliness aching in out hearts.

"It's lonely but-," I punch my right hand over my left palm and mustered the bravest look I could manage. "But it's just for now! I'll bring Kaneki back and I'll make sure to drag him by force to apologize to us, Hide. Then we'll fix this issue so that-"

I didn't even get to finish my rant before Hide patted me on the back lightly, his lips curved into a small smile of relief which took me by surprise.

"I'll wait for it, Ayame. You're the only one who can bring him back and I'd bet on the ape-woman any day." He teased lightly, the heavy cloud over us somewhat lightening up.

"You better or you'll be next on the pounding list." I tease back, our light banter and laughter muffling the aching of our hearts for the good old days.

"Ayame. It's time." Makoto's calm voice causes us to turn to the source, his figure standing by the door to Anteiku. Dark violet eyes like mine regarded us with a somber look, Hide lightly patting me on the shoulder which made me turn to him.

"See you both soon." He merely says before walking ahead, passing my brother a long look before nodding and walking off. I watched Makoto approach me after their encounter, his eyes now closed as if deep in thought.

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone." He only says but the weight of those words finally relaxes my pounding heart that, awhile ago, was anxiously beating at the knowing look between Hide and Makoto.

"I'm sorry. But he deserved to at least know." I could only muster an apology knowing full well that my action may have put us all in jeopardy. It's not like Hide would rat us out but Makoto didn't know much about Hide and Kaneki so the least I could do was assure Makoto where Hide's loyalty lay.

Makoto merely gave my apology a short contemplation before nodding and heading into the café, his gesture telling me to follow.

It's been a two days now since Anteiku has closed. Luckily, no one thought it was odd seeing as the news about the doves flocking here had affected the businesses due to the mass panic they instigated. More doves meant that the ghouls were becoming agitated in the eyes of the people. With Aogiri on the move... I just don't know when this will finally end.

Only eight more days before we storm Aogiri and save Kaneki. I've improved in the span of two days, even Touka admitted that my newfound determination to save everyone was one thing she told me would serve well.

I admit that the words were touching but with what I have now- I know that that isn't enough. Makoto mentioned awhile back that even amidst my 'forced' diet on ghoul meat... The power and nutrients it gave was not enough. It made me realize that I had to-

The thought alone made me sick. But wasn't this what I wanted? How many times have I already repeated that and yet how many times did I waver?

That kind of reluctance was something I could not afford. I should've already known this after everything that's happened. Ryouko-san, the event with Nishio, Shuu's betrayal, my family's death and my encounter with Aogiri. Every time I remember it, I could only shiver in fear at the thought of who would be next to walk upon death's door.

I'm still weak. So very weak. Incapable of walking alongside them at this state. Even Makoto admitted that even with my kakuja, I would still be easily killed because of my weak mental state to control it.

So very weak. Just not enough. But the idea of eating humans for that power- I may not be like 'her' because of the purpose as to why we want power but is it just an excuse so that I won't feel guilty?

Weak...

Pathetic...

I will lose everything if I waver...

Am I a ghoul or a human?

Now I know what Kaneki meant. Even with what I have that makes me human, a part of me strays me from that side. I'm half of both, belonging to neither fully. Always in the middle never closing in on the other, just like walking on a tightrope. Will I willingly let myself fall or stay balanced?

I'm not like Touka. I'm not strong enough to endure it. I can already feel myself slipping. I had thought I was a human once but after realizing everything. After knowing the whole truth of who I am... Am I still capable of going back to being a human?

My adopted family that gave me my humanity. Hide and Kaneki were the ones who solidified it. They were my whole world and now everything of my humanity is being taken away.

Anteiku and those in it gave Kaneki and I a home. A place to belong. Ideally, it would make you realize that being a ghoul is the only path you have left but-

Hide is still there. He's waiting for us and that was one side I could not abandon. Why I could not let go of my humanity just yet. Even though I fear the day that I may not be able to go back, so long as Hide's waiting then maybe a sliver of hope still remains for me... As well as for Kaneki.

So long as Hide's waiting for us, I can overlook it. For just this time until Kaneki is saved, I am willing to fall from the tightrope but refuse to let go of it.

I promised Hide we will return and over my dead body- we will.

-3rd Person POV-

Makoto stared down at his sister, wondering what thoughts were plaguing her as she stared at the bloodied plate before her. It was just the two of them, a request Makoto politely asked Yoshimura. Luckily, the manager accepted it with a small knowing smile, as if he knew what it felt to Ayame to be stared at by them.

She had lived her whole believing she was just a normal human being. Had he never left that day then maybe it wouldn't be so difficult for her right now. Adjusting would be the most scarring part for her. Ayame must've finally realized that and it explains the blank expression she had been giving him after he told her what must be done.

But then again, she really didn't need him to remind her about it.

"Could've at least cooked it so that it'd be more comfortable to look at." She joked mildly, her lips thinned into a grimace.

"Would you have wanted me to?"

"Yes but there's no point now is there? I have to learn at some point to accept it. You didn't kill this person, did you?"

"No. She committed suicide by the highway. Yomo found her body. You're taking this far more calmly than I had anticipated, Ayame. If you don't want to continue then-," She didn't give him the chance to finish, her body passing by Makoto and easily settling herself before the dish.

Her eyes may appear stoic and devoid of emotion but her hands betrayed her. He could see it when she picked up the silverware, they were trembling ever so slightly. Makoto wondered what she hoped to gain by acting tough? Yoshimura had told her that Anteiku wouldn't leave them both behind, it's alright to show even a shy of weakness.

Locking it up like this, it would only make it more difficult for her to move on with the burden she had put on herself. It just goes to show that the full trust he wanted from her has yet to happen. It's not like he was forcing her though, for her sake, he would try to be more patient.

"Well, here goes nothing." She mustered a weak grin, taking in a quick gulp of her saliva to calm herself. The silence was deafening in the room, neither refused to speak for fear of ruining the focus.

With a sudden movement, probably to just get it over with, Ayame took the whole meat into her mouth. Blood from the raw meat dribbled down her chin as she mustered the strength to chew the food. She probably had wanted to swallow the whole thing without having to bite but seeing as she couldn't due to how large it actually was, she ended up having to force herself to chew it.

Makoto could only watch his sister pitifully, something she would have hated if she had seen it. The process was excruciatingly slow, it was almost like torture to the two siblings. Only when he had heard the distinct sound of swallowing did he finally turn to his sister's face, her eyes betraying once again her true emotion.

Tears cascaded down her face like, her body trying to reject the food in disgust, her hands gripping onto her silverware tightly, her knuckles turning white.

"Why? But then again-," She spoke more to herself, controlling her words that seemed to become nearly incomprehensible since she was crying. "It was to be expected. It's like a drug... So delicious but to know what it's made of."

She looked like she wanted to vomit but she tried her best not to. Her kakugan had long since activated ever since she ate the meat. The taste was divine, like a newly cooked beef in a fancy restaurant. Is this the description Tsukiyama had meant when he spoke of humans as food?

Disgusting.

And yet she was a part of this. She had enjoyed its taste, so much so that it made her sick. This was the truth right here. That she was more of a ghoul than her own body led her to believe. The meat, although uncooked, tasted just as savory as any other human food was to a human. She had assumed that it was probably because she was a picky eater that food always tastes so bland to her but now she knew.

The meat gave her strength, she could feel it and it made her tremble. When she said she wanted to walk alongside Kaneki in this world, this was not what she meant and yet it was the only way. He would have never looked their way if she had been human. He would have drifted away from them and she couldn't afford that.

She loved him too much to just turn a blind eye to it all.

"S-some more... Please." It took every ounce of her being to beg for human meat like this. If she numbed herself then maybe it would be like last time, it would be much easier for her and soon she'll probably adapt. Adapt enough to gain the strength to be able to save Kaneki from Aogiri.

She couldn't, after all, afford to dawdle any longer. She could already feel the masked woman's arms snake around her, whispering to her the repulsive things she would do to Kaneki and it made her blood turn cold.

She didn't want anyone important to her dying anymore because of her weakness.

"No it's enough for today." Makoto's voice cuts away from her inner turmoils, her head snapping to his direction in alarm. Enough? But she hadn't even felt like it was enough.

"No, I can still handle it!" She lied but she refused to acknowledge it. Refused to believe that it was 'enough'. It will never be enough. Not until they get him back safely. Not until she sees him in the cafe, talking to the customers like nothing happened. Not until... Not until-

Not until everything is as it should be.

She knows that there is no going back. She knows that the secret she, Kaneki and Hide hold will never help bring back their lost past but at the very least, she begged that she could enjoy it once again. The playful banter they shared after class and the outings they did during the weekends. She already lost so much- her real family, her adoptive family, the trust she had for the past, and her humanity.

Please, she begged, at the very least grant her this small wish.

-To be Continued-