Prologue

How did you get here?
Nobody's supposed to be here.
(Nobody's supposed to be here, Deborah Cox)

When this started, you didn't think it would go so far. It was supposed to be only a one night stand. You had just won your first national championship and you were all so damn euphoric. That was like a dream coming true. You went out with your teammates to celebrate and while they got wasted, you and her were the only ones to remain sober. Being the captain of the team, you felt responsible for them. And she never drank. In those almost three years that you've known her, you never saw her drinking. Not even a beer. Only months later you would understand why.

It happened when you returned to your room. You were both laughing about something that one of your teammates said, something that now you can't even remember, when she got suddenly serious. She was looking at you right into your eyes, her stare burned you in a way that still makes your legs shake just thinking about it after so many months. You blushed and looked down. She stroked your cheek so gently and made you look at her, then she leaned in and pressed her lips against yours. Though shocked, you managed to kiss her back. You still don't know what pushed you to do it. Maybe it was the softness of her hand on your cheek, maybe the way she looked at you before the kiss, maybe the thrill about the victory or maybe it was something that went back to the first time you saw her, you still remember how paralyzed you were when your gazes met. Maybe it was a combination of all these things.

You didn't stop there. The kisses grew hungrier, your hands greedier and soon you fell into the bed skin to skin, clothing removed and forgotten somewhere in the room. You never felt like that before and that excited you to no end. It was like discovering a new part of you, a part you didn't know. A wild part that you didn't think fitted you until that moment. As she came undone whispering your name, you realized you really liked that part of you.

The morning after you woke up alone, something you wouldn't get used to even months later. You dressed and joined your friends for breakfast. And she was there, acting like nothing happened. She took you aside after breakfast and she asked if you could keep it a secret. That wasn't her, she said and insisted it was the alcohol. You just shook your head, you knew she never drank. You told her it wasn't the alcohol, but to consider it forgotten anyway.

That evening, after returning to Stanford, you went celebrating with your best friend. She was almost excited as you were and she almost made you forget about the night before. You could still see her, hands on your body and eyes fixed on yours, her hot breath on your lips. It didn't help you forget about it finding, after coming back to your dorm, the very person who was haunting your mind at your doorstep. You tried to ignore her, but her stare was too intense for you to handle. You dragged her inside with you and soon she was attacking your lips. It seemed the night before all over again.

It was meant to be just a fling, a way to release stress. A way to placate your hunger for the other. It was simple. You would text each other and would decide a time to meet. It was your room, always. Never hers. You didn't give it much thought. Your roommate and best friend was never around, so it seemed simple.

It was easy. Until it wasn't anymore. Three weeks after it started, you found out she had a boyfriend. You felt used by her, you felt guilty towards that guy that you didn't know. You confronted her and she completely freaked out. You let her calm down and then she assured you that it wasn't like you were thinking. That was the first, and only, time she ever made you feel special with her words. The first and only time she made you feel like you mattered something to her. Then she just kissed you, erasing every doubt and ounce of guilt you felt. That guy didn't matter anymore, all you could see was her. All you could do was listen to her finally open up about something.

She met Robert when she was in high school and trying to hide who she really was. They started dating and never stopped. It didn't matter how hard she tried, she couldn't fall in love with him. But she couldn't bring herself to break his heart. He saved her, she told you, leaving it to that.

You accepted her silence and asked what this meant for the two of you. You thought that everything would change, you hoped it would. She told you that she cared, after all. But she wanted to keep on seeing you like nothing changed, so you agreed. It wasn't what you hoped for, but you settled for it. That was all she would give to you, so that was what you would get. You would take what you could. And in that moment, you realized you were so messed up.

Probably you should have seen it coming. She makes you forget about anyone and anything. She makes you feel things that no one, no one, has ever made you feel. So you shouldn't have been surprised when you realized how hard you have fallen for her. Maybe it's her eyes and the way she looks at you, she makes you feel so damn special, like you're the only one to exist in that moment. Maybe it's the soft way she speaks. Maybe it's those rare times she opens up and lets you in. Or maybe it's that smile of hers. Maybe it's just her.

The awareness that nothing more can come out of it just makes it ache more. You have to settle for what you can have. And if those nights hidden in your room and the stolen glances is all you can have, you'll take it. It hurts craving so much for something more and not having it, but it would be devastating having nothing at all.

As you open the door, the wide smile you see on her lips makes you realize that maybe, just maybe, you don't mind being so messed up.

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or its characters. If I did, Paily would be already married by now and have tons of children. And a puppy.

Author's note: New story, yeah. Not so sure if I should continue it. After all, it can stand alone too. You decide.
Just so you know, I'm high-fiving everyone who guessed the point of view. Both of the story and of those lines in italics.

You decide, so I'll be waiting for your thoughts. If they come. I hope they come.
I'm blabbering. I'd better go.

Meek.