Chapter Thirty-Three: The Purple Pill

"Whoa, spooky," Wendy whispered as she and Ludwig boarded the train, seemingly devoid of other passengers. "Deserted. Like a ghost train..."

"Indeed, I'm surprised they haven't cut back the night hours," Ludwig muttered. "Ah well, that this just means I don't have to wait until we reach our destination to... Wendy... what are you doing?"

"Shhhh..." Wendy was checking each of the seats to make sure nobody was hiding out to spy on them. "What if we're being watched?"

"I'm reasonably certain that is not the case. If we were being watched, it would be by Mr. Г, and by some stroke of incredible luck, as you know, he's got other plans for this evening."

"Well all right... but only if you're sure." Wendy settled down in the seat across the aisle from Ludwig's and got out her phone.

"Wendy... "I'm going to have to ask that you put your phone away and leave it alone for a while." Ludwig cringed at how old-fashioned it made him sound, he too hated hearing it from sentimental old luddites every time his own eyes were glued to a screen.

"But if my squad doesn't hear from me soon they're going to worry that I got raped!"

Ludwig tried not to laugh. "Are you serious? Do they even know the same Wendy I do? The Wendy who's more of an alpha-male than any of her brothers? The Wendy that can kick Roy's ass? I'd be more worried about HIM getting raped!"

"Well... that's remarkably un-sexist of you..." Wendy slipped her phone into her purse, but hesitated to let it go.

"Drop it. Surely it must be exhausting to have to remind your entourage that you're alive every two minutes? I'd be driven mad, heaven knows how you handle it. Your little hangers-on are not entitled to know every detail of your life, just because they have none of their own. You deserve a break from social media."

"But-"

"They'll LIVE."

Wendy sighed. "You're right. Maybe I'm more exhausted than I even realize. I..."

"I said drop the damn thing already!"

Wendy's fingers were still unconsciously clutching her phone. Rolling her eyes, she loosened her grip, letting it fall into her purse, and upon doing so she released an enormous sigh of relief from several weeks' worth of pent-up tension.

"...Ah... that felt good... Thank you Ludwig..."

"You're welcome. Now, back to what you were saying?"

"I... Well, I've been so stressed out that I've been doing some crazy things, like sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's too late... like... Ludwig, you don't think I really hate men just because I'm a feminist, do you?"

"Preposterous. I dare say you've lived with enough men for a long enough period of time to realize that we are people too. That said, some of your actions beggar a bit of explaining..."

"Yeah yeah I know... And you know how there are a lot of different kinds of feminism, and I don't necessarily support them all, but whatever kind of feminist I need to be, I'll be it if only for the moment. I mean, whenever I meet a poor underprivileged female who needs feminism, I'll persuade her to convert to feminism using whatever form of feminism it takes. If she's being slut-shamed, I'm a sex-positive feminist. If she's being prude-shamed, if wearing a freaking veil is what empowers her, well I take the other side of the sex war. If she's some kind of minority, if she lacks cis-, hetero-, or some other type of privilege on top of lacking male privilege, I'm an intersectional feminist. If she's just a basic bitch, I'll be what they call a white feminist. I can be liberal or radical, I can be fat-positive if she's a whale and is triggered by celery; if all she's got are first-world problems I'll shut up about the third-world ones. Hell I'll even be pro-traditional motherhood and all that if she feels shamed and accused of lacking agency in her conservative choices. If she calls herself anti-feminist or egalitarian because she thinks feminism is about female supremacy instead of gender equality, I'll make it very clear to her that by the original sense of the word she is already a de facto feminist. If on the other hand she's been raped and battered and so abused by men that she literally wants to exterminate the male species..."

"...so you can, well, 'be' THAT kind of feminist as well. Are you really that psychotic now? Or are you just that disgustingly insincere?"

"No no its not insincere at all... depending on what kind of crowd I'm in, my attitudes and beliefs on some level really do change, especially when I'm feeling very emotional... because of that I sometimes take it too far. Like when I was hanging out with these male-hating teen eggymamas and we were bullying the men's rights activists and I even bought a load of male tears merchandise..." Wendy buried her face in her palms for a moment. "...do you get what I'm saying?"

Ludwig nodded, murmuring, "You're a conduit for mob mentality..."

"So you see depending on what kind of mood I'm in I can be persuaded to act crazy and unreasonable and get angry about stupid things without thinking them through... like when I got angry at you a couple of weeks ago because... because I was told about something sexist that you supposedly did, but on second thought it doesn't sound like something you would do at all. So I want to apologize, Ludwig, for getting mad at you and thinking you you sexist because of something I was told without even making sure if it was true. In fact, you're probably my least sexist brother..."

"Well, I did introduce you to your first feminist literature."

"THAT was... oh right, that WAS you!" Wendy facepalmed. "Man, was I a fucking idiot or what..."

"Not exactly, it's not as if it came out of nowhere. It's not as if I have no sexist tendencies whatsoever..."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, now that you've mentioned it... As a matter of fact, right now. You're mansplaining."

"Well I beg your pardon... but if talking to you as though you were a creature capable of rational thought is mansplaining..."

"Oh..? Is that... well, if that's the reason, you still come across as a patronizing douchebag. But then you talk like a patronizing douchebag to everybody... if anything, you're maybe a bit more polite to me so I shouldn't... but that's still sexist, even if it's the nice kind of sexism..."

"There you go. If anything, I have a tendency almost to put females on a pedestal... well, certain females anyway."

"Mmmm... got mommy issues?"

"For instance... this may come as a shock to you, but my favorite musician at the moment happens to be a dead, white... woman."

"Ooohhh... but I was right about the mommy issues wasn't I?"

"So that makes me a reverse sexist," Ludwig continued, ignoring Wendy's quip. "And no, it's not a quality that I'm proud of... but according to some flavors of feminism, there is no such thing as reverse sexism, is there?"

"I can be THAT kind of feminist for you, if you like."

"No, Wendy. The only kind of feminist I would like for you to be is... how to put this... it seems you have understanding of many diverse views on feminism. Your squad is packed with feminists of all stripes, yes? But what kind of feminist is Wendy? Have you ever thought about what your personal views are?"

"Well there is a particular set of views that we all for the most part agree on..."

"Ah, yes, the resonant frequencies of your little Bumblr echo chamber. It's about time you got out for the opportunity to pick up a fresh perspective."

Wendy was silent for a moment. "We're not really going to see Totohime, are we?"

"I wish... what was your first clue?"

"Deduce that for yourself, genius. The mansplaining, the getting me alone with you under false pretenses, the asking me to take a break from social media... I know what you're up to!" Wendy stood up in her seat to point dramatically at Ludwig. "You're trying to red-pill me, aren't you?"

Ludwig closed his eyes and turned his face to the side, chuckling softly. "First of all, think of it more as a purple pill. Secondly, it seems you have already taken it. You did not even have to be talked into it. You came to the purple pill all by yourself, and for that I am quite proud. It simplifies matters immensely, for were you not purple-pilled, you would be in no state of mind to be minding matters of state - ahem, for the real reason why I have gotten you alone with me tonight under false pretenses."

Wendy's eyes widened; Ludwig was not sure whether it was more with fear or fascination. "Oooohh... I knew it... you're planning something!"

"Oh, you mean other than a tea party?"

"A tea party? Is that where we're really going?"

"We'll get back to that. You said I was planning something?"

"Well, yeah..."

"Like what?"

"Like some kind of coup, maybe..."

"What kind of coup, exactly?"

"A... a coup de grâce."

"Wendy ehe... I believe the word you meant was coup d'état. We can only hope to be so lucky as to end up in any position to deliver a coup de grâce."

Wendy flushed. "Right. That's the one I meant... because if that's what you're planning, I want to let you know that I... I wanna be in on it."

"Oh? Well then, you're in luck, for that is exactly why I asked you out tonight, was to make you the first I let in on my little scheme."

"You did? You really want me to be... but why? Why me?"

"Because... out of all of our siblings, you - yes Wendy, you, the girl one - are the only one besides myself that I would count on having a chance to be even halfway competent as a head of state."

"Well, that's not saying much..."

"Wendy, how many followers do you have on social media?"

"Well I've lost a few after my attempt at reclaiming 'male tears' as inclusiveness of male sensitivity... I'm down to just over eleven thousand now."

"Eleven thousand," Ludwig mused, swelling with pride. "That's a small army..."

"Well I guess it's not bad for not being Princess Peach having just passed a quarter of a million..."

"Wendy, dear, you know that your eldest brother is a Koopa of many talents. A prodigy at music, visual and performing arts, as well as the sciences and engineering..."

"You're forgetting modesty," Wendy remarked, eyes rolled.

"...but one thing I am not brilliantly adept at is amassing followers, let alone in the numbers you have. Not for lack of trying either."

"Oh... so you... need me..."

Ludwig nodded. "I won't be able to do it without you."

"But what makes you think I'll agree to it huh? Maybe I don't want to overthrow King Bowser... maybe I'd rather Bowser Junior become King instead of you!"

"I see, you have cozied up to the enemy as of late, haven't you? What are you hoping to gain from that? A position of éminence grise, to mold his young mind to the ways of fourth-wave feminism? A spot in his future harem perhaps? You're one to bring up mommy issues what with your raging Electra complex!"

"Ludwig!"

"Or maybe it's your nurturing, feminine side coming out? So much for defying female stereotypes..."

"Enough! I actually... Junior's not all that bad once you get to know him... in any case, I'd rather be on his good side..."

"Of course you would, that's very smart of you, to secure such a privileged position. But what do you think are the odds that you can actually raise him to be the progressive feminist ruler that you envision? Are you sure that he's really such putty in your hands? Surely you of all people have noticed that something is... off about him?"

"Ludwig! Don't start-"

"I'm not, I won't try to convince you that he is a clone or a shapeshifter or the demonic spawn of a succubus or or a motherless freak of nature, you can only come to that conclusion on your own. Let's just say that he is a normal child, conceived out of a normal union between Bowser and a normal woman. Does that change the fact that he shows clear signs of being a sociopath?"

"Don't be ridiculous Ludwig, Junior is not a sociopath, he is a psychopath."

"A psychopath, Wendy. Listen to yourself. You admit it. Junior's a budding psychopath."

"But he's still young, he can be changed! There is such a thing as a functioning psychopath you know, it's all a matter of steering him in the right direction..."

"Very well, you can take your chances with that. Hahaw good luck... on the other hand, you could take your chances with the brother you have known your entire life..."

"I could. But knowing you, the sort of regime YOU would desire..."

"Is up for negotiation."

Wendy raised an eyebrow, smirking. "I'm listening..."

"You know that I am not a fan of the tyranny-of-the-masses style of government as you are, but if I want to win you over to my side, well, I can't afford NOT to compromise, can I? This calls for an overhaul of Dark Land's autocratic style of government, make it a little more democratic, let the public have at least some say in how the country is run... I will be the head of government, that is, the legislature... As for you, Wendy, how would you like to be the President?"

Wendy almost gasped. "For real? You... you are going to... wait... I'm not going to be just some figurehead, am I?"

"Wendy, you'll have considerably more power than a mere figurehead! Sure, you'll do all the ribbon-cutting and other tiresome ceremonies that I would rather not, but you will be the chief executive... the head of state! I might be the king, the most important piece on the chessboard, but you shall be the queen, the most active and powerful-"

"But ultimately still disposable..." Wendy muttered.

"It's an imperfect analogy, Wendy; you are HARDLY disposable. We can discuss the details of implementation later. Right now is the time to focus on how to get there. Staging a coup and all that. But keep all that in the back of your mind and remember, this shall call for some compromise on your end as well. Most importantly, you may want to take this time to reconsider your beliefs. I am not telling you not to be a feminist, but, just some food for thought... you are a fourth-wave feminist in a country that has not even had a first wave yet."

"Third-wave," Wendy corrected.

Ludwig shook his head. "Fourth-wave. I am counting on you to make me proud, and seeing that you've masterminded some manipulative bitchery of your own... look at you, forcing your smart-ass brother to negotiate, to even offer you a government post higher than you could ever hope to achieve even as a princess under traditional Darklandian-style autocracy... short of murdering your entire male family anyway... you truly are my half-sister half-cousin after all."

Wendy leaped from her seat to hug Ludwig, her eyes already starry at the prospect of becoming a conquered Dark Land's first president. "Wait... if Bowser isn't our father, then who... we may not be half-siblings after all..."

"Lies, Wendy."

"Prove it."

"I shan't have to. Junior shall be forced to admit it..."