What have I done?

The words echoed through her head as Clarisse wrapped her arms around her- despite the balmy evening, the ballroom suddenly felt chilly and her herself felt cold and alone, even as she almost blankly continued to peruse the china sitting on the tables in front of her, waiting for her approval, not that she even really knew what she was looking at.

The CD player had been turned off but the music was still echoing around the room, as was the scene only ten minutes earlier…

She squeezed her eyes shut, unwilling to see the plates before her or remember that this was the room…the room where she had….but even behind her closed lids, Clarisse could still see the scene, see Joseph's face, at first full of hope, suddenly drain away at her expression (she had been trying to summon the words but one look into his eyes and they both knew) to an expression of devastation, anger, hurt and betrayal. He couldn't even look at her when she had run after him, desperate to explain, and when he had walked out….suddenly nothing else mattered….

After slamming off the CD player (she couldn't bear hearing any more of that music, not now that her heart was breaking and she had broken Joseph's), Clarisse stood in front of the table, trying to calm herself down by breathing in deeply- she needed some time calm down, she couldn't allow herself to be shown as vulnerable….but then Charlotte had appeared on the stairs, intruding into her thoughts and her longed for private moment alone….she was NEVER alone, never!

"Can't I have just one second to myself!" she erupted, her emotions for once spilling over and she felt a second of relief before she quickly felt remorseful and turned to apologize to Charlotte who, it seemed, understood better than she had thought….

Her expression wasn't hurt but rather… understanding and sympathetic, as if she understood Clarisse's pain….

Could she have seen something?

It was possible- she had been waiting for Charlotte's arrival in the ballroom when, after turning the music on, she had felt, whimsically, like dancing; dancing like a young girl who was dreaming of dancing with her handsome prince charming….and then Joseph had arrived….

"So, was there anything else that needed to be done?" Clarisse finally cleared her head, mentally shaking away the scene that she knew would haunt her for the rest of her life (especially if she and Joseph never were to speak again, a thought that cast a sharp pain through her heart), ready to return to the business at hand (as always, her personal life had to take a second, third, fourth place to the country and her responsibilities) but Charlotte shook her head.

"No, everything is taken care of, Your Majesty, I just wanted to let you know that all is well taken care of and there are only a few little details that will need your attention tomorrow."

Clarisse wanted to ask why not now, she was perfectly capable of dealing with a few minor details (she wanted this wedding to be perfect, although she knew that it was far from perfect, including the fact that the marriage was arranged rather than a love match) but she was also secretly grateful that Charlotte had decided to make the decision for her. She had already made too many decisions this evening that had led to mistakes and hurt….

"Thank you, Charlotte, I think I may retired for the evening, it's been a long day…. "

"The kitchen is still open and the chef will cook you anything you want."

"I'm actually not hungry…. Some milk and cookies may suffice, if you can pass that message on- no one needs to wait up for me."

"As you wish, Your Majesty."

"Good night, Charlotte," Clarisse said quietly, feeling older than she had ever felt before as she slowly began to climb the stairs, each step taking her away from the place where it had happened but she knew that she wouldn't be able to forget it, ever…

"Good night, Your Majesty," Charlotte said just as softly, watching the older woman make her way up the stairs- even as tired as she was (and the burden of what Charlotte had witnessed earlier obviously affecting her, not that she blamed her, she had always been so committed to the country, even to her own expense), she was still as elegant as ever, her posture and shoulders still as straight as ever.

0

Clarisse dismissed her maids almost as soon as she entered her suite- she was more than capable of undressing herself and putting her pyjamas on- and soon enough she was quietly making her way downstairs (she was almost terrified of meeting Joseph on her travels, still not knowing what she could say to him, except to assure him that she was just as devastated as he was, not that she blamed if he didn't believe her) but she was relieved when she finally arrived in the kitchen undisturbed- and to discover her milk and cookies waiting for her on the table, a thoughtful gesture she appreciated.

She had brought a book with her- a book she had been trying to read for the past month but, as always, she hadn't had the time, energy or inclination- but all too soon it was sitting abandoned on the table.

HOW could she even think about reading a book- a normal past time- during this time?

There was so much at stake, so much that could go wrong…the wedding, the coronation, Lord Mabrey….but that wasn't what she was thinking about, for once all of it was far from her mind….

All she could see was the look of betrayal on Joseph's face, the expression that told her that he believed she didn't want to marry him, didn't want to spend the rest of her life with him, that she hadn't really even considered the decision properly….

How could she tell him that it had been all she had been thinking about in her free time over the past three weeks? That the decision had weighed her down heavily, that she really didn't want to make this decision? That she had wanted to marry him, so desperately so, and enjoy the rest of their lives together…. But that there were still considerations that needed her attention before she could even think about being with him….

She glanced down at the enormous diamond white gold wedding band that was on her left finger, and had been given to her upon her engagement to Rupert all those years ago…this was a constant reminder of who she was and the responsibilities she had to fulfil before she even considered her own wants and needs.

As Rupert reminded her so many years ago, "to be royal is to put yourself last' and that was something that had been drummed into her for much of her life, but now she was chafing at the principles that had guided her life and had forced her to put duty before anything else, including (at times) her own sons and granddaughter- and the ring just seemed to irritate her all the more, it was the representative of what she had undergone and what she had lost….

She was startled out of her thoughts a moment later with the arrival of Mia's two maids, but she tried to remain polite and calm with them, although the ensuing scene- with them singing songs that they had wanted to sing at the party, as well as a loud bang against the window (and she hadn't had a chance to investigate, as the maids singing louder- made her beat a hasty retreat back upstairs to her room, again wondering whether everyone around her was crazy or it was just her….

On her way back to her own suite, Clarisse came along Mia's doors and, for a moment, paused and raised her hand as if to knock on the door, but she then pulled away and continued walking on- she felt terrible about it but she could not witness Mia's growing confusion and sadness (well hidden, of course, but she could sense it) not when she was battling her own sadness, mainly of her own making, she thought bitterly to herself.

If only I had been brave enough…sure enough….certain enough….

No, she had been certain enough about what she wanted- Joseph- but again, the responsibilities of her kingdom had to come first and she suddenly felt a surge of anger, an emotion she had felt before, many times, when she had had to put the Crown before anything else (and that included when her husband had been unfaithful and she had to stand by him) and she knew it wasn't healthy to be so angry, bitter and resentful, but at this moment, that was how she felt…. Tears had yet to come but she knew that her anger was keeping them at bay…for now….

Once back in her suite- she was grateful that her ladies maids had long since gone to bed, she didn't feel like facing anyone until the morning- Clarisse slowly sat down on her side of the already turned down bed and let out a long, slow sigh, feeling older than she had even earlier in the evening, especially after the moment with Joseph, something that she wouldn't forget in a hurry, not that she ever wanted to…. She had lost Joseph and that meant more to her than anything else….

She wasn't tired, not in the least, but she knew that she had to try and sleep, the next few days were going to be busy and she needed all the energy she had….maybe it was just as well that the parliament had invoked the marriage law and that Mia was due to ascend the throne in a matter of days, she reflected to herself, because she was ready to retire and enjoy a private life, not that she had anything to look forward to…

The flash of her ring in the lamplight caught her attention and Clarisse looked down it, unable to hide her distaste for it- yes, it was a beautiful ring, definitely what a queen should wear (or that was Rupert's reasoning) but she didn't like it, never had….

00000

"I have a surprise for you," the Crown Prince said teasingly as he sat down beside Clarisse and she blushed- even though they were engaged to be married in a matter of months and she was spending more and more time at the palace in Pyrus, getting to know the routine and the responsibilities she would assume upon her marriage and becoming the Crown Princess of Genovia, wife of the heir to the throne (and also mother to the heir and the spare) and future Queen. Even the mere thought of thinking about it was enough to make the mind boggle and she had to force herself to focus back on the man sitting beside him.

"Oh?" she almost stammered, trying to sound sophisticated and cool, like the woman she was supposed to be but to her ears she sounded foolish and girlish, like the eighteen year old girl she still was. The man she was to marry was 12 years older than her- he was 30- and was obviously a sophisticated, confident man of the world, well-travelled, well-educated and well read, and while there were rumours about him being a ladies man, the King and Queen had reassured her parents upon the announcement of their engagement that they were untrue… Clarisse herself was unsure, but she didn't know how to deal with it.

"You need to look at me first," he teased and she blushed even harder- she was trying to overcome her shyness and timidity around him (after all, they were going to be married soon enough) but it was just so hard- and she barely knew him.

"Of course…Your Highness," she almost stammered, still looking at her hands before he covered them with one of his own.

"Clarisse, you can call me Rupert…remember, you are my fiancée?"

"Of course," she said before finally looking up at him directly and admitting to herself that he DID have kind brown eyes, the first thing she had noticed about him and that liked about him. "So… you have a surprise for me?" she reminded him with a small smile, feeling a little more confident around him and he smiled back at her.

"I do…" he reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a small jewellery box. "This is for you."

"Thank you," she accepted it and sat it in her hand for a moment- she knew what it was and what it was going to represent, but she wasn't quite sure she wanted to open it as it would mean that they really were betrothed….and was she too young to be getting married?

"Aren't you going to open it?" he teased and Clarisse gave a start- she had been starting down the road to panic- before she nodded almost vaguely.

"Of course," before she slowly opened the lid and looked down on the ring that announced that she belonged to the future King of Genovia….

The diamond was enormous, she wasn't quite sure of the size or carats, but it looked expensive and…it wasn't her taste, of course, she preferred something much smaller and discreet, but she could hardly tell HIM that, could she?

"Do you like it? I was going to give you my father's mother's ring but then I thought that we could break with tradition and start a new one of our own….do you like it?"

"It's beautiful," she managed- and it WAS beautiful- as he took the box away from her, slipped the ring off its holding and then, holding her left hand in his, he slipped it onto the third finger.

"Definitely a ring that a princess and a queen should wear," he said gently, kissing the top of her hand after the ring was in place. "It looks wonderful."

"Yes it does," Clarisse said softly, still staring at it but experiencing other emotions that she wasn't quite sure she could describe…..

00000

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

Her Majesty Queen Clarisse Renaldi stood almost stoically beside her husband inside the ballroom, greeting guests who passed their way further into the room, seeking refreshments and other guests, a smile on her face and giving away nothing of the emotional roller-coaster that she was experiencing internally.

Again, her husband of fifteen years had been caught in a romantic relationship that was not with his wife and AGAIN, the press had discovered it and splashed it all over the newspapers while AGAIN Clarisse had been forced to stand by her husband, publicly and otherwise, although the distance between them had grown enough so that she wasn't as devastated as she had been the first time it had happened, fourteen years earlier…

Yes, he had been faithful for only eighteen months into their marriage, she had been expecting their first child and his reasoning was that…. he hadn't been able to help himself…but that had been no excuse and she had been distraught, devastated, heartbroken, although she had also known that his reputation had been a warning and it had been inevitable that he would have strayed, although she hadn't thought it would have happened so soon….

Over the years, she had learnt to develop a thick skin, building a guard around her heart and feelings so that no one was to know how much she suffered due to Rupert, and while people had begun to call her 'Ice Queen', Clarisse would much rather have that title than have anyone know how hurt she was by Rupert and some of his men around him.

Tonight was such an example of how she had built a strong guard around herself, emotionally more than anything, and she was confident that no one knew how she was truly feeling, although she couldn't ignore the sympathetic looks she was receiving from the wives and the smirks from the husband- she knew perfectly well that they all knew and were waiting for a sign from her to show how she was feeling, but she wouldn't give anyone that satisfaction, even Rupert.

"Well done," he murmured to her afterwards as, after greeting most of the guests, he led her out onto the dance floor for their first traditional dance that usually opened the ball (and Clarisse usually spent much of the evening on the dance floor, not that she wanted to, especially not tonight). "You handled yourself well, as you always do."

"I have no choice, do I?" Clarisse responded waspishly- she was angry, she was always angry when these 'incidents' occurred, but she always had to control her anger, although Rupert knew that she was angry.

"No, I suppose you don't," he replied just as irritably and they continued their dance in silence before, once the music changed, Clarisse had another dance partner, as did Rupert, much to their mutual relief.

Clarisse went into automatic mode after Rupert and she tried to ignore all the asides her dance partners tried to pass onto her (and they knew they were doing the wrong thing, but didn't care, they were the friends of the King) and she was relieved when there was a break and she stepped out onto the balcony for some air.

Once she was alone, she stripped off her gloves (and Clarisse was glad for gloves on these evenings, she preferred as little touching as possible, particularly with the men who danced with her) and sat them on the edge of the balcony before resting her hands beside them and leaning forward to gaze into the dark garden

As she did so, the light from the moon caught on her diamond and she stared down at the ring that still signified that she belonged to Rupert and would always belong to him, until death did they part…and she suddenly felt inexplicably depressed, as she had the moment he had slipped the ring on her finger fifteen years ago…

00000

Clarisse sighed- the memories were painful but time had dimmed the pain somewhat and she could now look at those times with a certain amount of distance and indifference. Yes, her husband had been unfaithful numerous times; yes, everyone had known about it and yes, everyone knew that she knew but had had no choice but to stand by her husband, no matter what.

But now, she was a widow and soon to be no longer Queen of Genovia and she knew it was time to make some choices, some changes in her life- it was almost time to have her own life and make decisions that would affect her and only her… as well as Mia and Pierre…. and hopefully, Joseph, it he would ever forgive her….

HOW could she have made a decision like that? Made him feel that she had already decided that she didn't want to marry him? That she had dragged this decision making process on simply to come to this decision…not that she had had trouble thinking about how she was going to tell him…. It wasn't permanent, only temporary, but why hadn't he understood that?

Because, her conscience said impatiently, he had already waited many years for her, he wasn't going to wait any longer…and she couldn't blame him for that.

But now, things had changed and she was certain of what she wanted and what she needed- and she knew that she needed Joseph, she always had and she always would. No matter what happened, she hoped that he would be able to forgive her…

First thing first, however, it was time to let go of Rupert and the past, and that meant letting go of the ring… that is, removing the ring that hadn't left her finger since Rupert had put it there all so many years ago….

It had initially been very heavy, she had often wondered how she had managed to wear it all that time…but she had got used to the weight and soon didn't take much notices of it, although she knew other women had looked at it enviously, wanting it and wanting what it represented- Clarisse felt sorry for those who wanted it for that, she knew that they would soon discover, as she did, what it meant- empty promises and an empty marriage….

Slowly but surely, she slid the ring off her finger and rested it in the palm of her hand for a moment, feeling it's weight but feeling very little else- yes, she missed her husband in a way, he had been the father of her children and he had had some good qualities, they had been friends by the end, but that was over now and it was time to move on.

After a few moments of reflection- yes, it was a pretty ring, she couldn't help but admire it, and she did like it in a way- Clarisse opened her bedside drawer and brought out her jewellery box- she did have a much larger jewellery container which had many of the crown jewels and the jewellery she had inherited from Rupert's family as well as her own- but this was for her personal jewels, the jewels the boys had given her over the years, special pieces that she only wore occasionally but meant the world to her….

It only seemed fitting that this ring should go in there- she would never wear it again and she hadn't always particularly liked it, but it was still part of her history with Rupert and she didn't want it lost.

"Goodbye, old friend," she said softly as she closed the box lid and put it back into the jewellery box. "Goodbye Rupert…."

00000

TWO DAYS LATER

It was dark, quiet and there was a comfortable silence in the bedroom, the couple lying on the bed in each other's arms silent but content.

"Happy?" the man asked, stroking her hair gently, his other arm holding her close.

"Happy," she affirmed with a smile, running a gentle hand down his bare chest. "I never thought I would be as happy as I am now….the last few days…."

"The last few days are a nightmare that we will never have to live again….it's in the past."

"Thank goodness," Clarisse smiled as she snuggled closer to Joseph. "I was afraid that I had lost you….."

"You never did… it may have seemed that way when I walked away from you that night…"

His jaw tightened for a moment at the memory- he would never forgive himself for doing that, knowing that she was under so much pressure, there was so many things she was trying to keep under control and hope that one of the spinning plates wouldn't fall off. It had been a juggling act, an act that she had had perfected over the years but then he had had to go and demand her to consider them…

"I will never forgive myself for that….." he said softly and she reached over to touch his cheek.

"There is nothing that you shouldn't forgive yourself for- it was a mistake, just as I made a mistake struggling with my decision…. OF COURSE I had wanted to marry you… "

"But I didn't want to wait…"

"You had every right to expect an answer….and we're going to stop castigating each other for things that we should and shouldn't have done….we're together now…"

"Finally," he joked and they chuckled together, recalling the exact word the Archbishop had said to them at the altar, before he leaned over and brushed his lips against hers.

After they shared a long, sweet kiss, Joseph took her left hand in his and fiddled with the plain wedding band that now had pride of place on her third finger.

"There was one thing I wanted to ask, and I just remembered…"

"Oh?"

"I happen to believe that, a few days ago, my wife had another man's ring still on her finger….and I was just wondering what happened to it?"

"I took it off," she said simply, entwining her fingers with his. "I felt that it was time to let go…. I just wish I had done it sooner, as it felt so wrong for so long."

"Why did it feel wrong?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"Because…. I could hardly wear another man's ring when I felt that I didn't belong to him anymore… that I felt like I was cheating on you…..and I realised that the night you walked away from me gave me the courage to realise what I really wanted- and what I wanted was you."

There was a long silence before he pulled her close and held her tightly to him.

"How did it feel when you took it off?"

"I felt free…and myself again… and I also realised that I didn't hate the ring as much as I used to… I didn't think I would like it but I did….. but I like this one much, much better," she raised their hands up together and they caught a small glimpse of gold.

"Just wait, you will be getting an engagement ring from me soon enough," he promised.

"You don't have to do that," she lightly pressed her lips on his bare shoulder.

"I do and I want to….and you do want one, don't you?"

"Of course….do you have anything in mind?"

"You're just going to have to wait and see….." Joseph said mysteriously and she laughed.

"Alright then, I'll be happy to wait and see…"