This is the PG-13 version of Dear John. For the...er..."adult" version, go to Archive of Our Own, same username, same title.

Dear John

Dear John,

Ha! I'm writing a "Dear John" letter. That is both funny, and sad. Funny because - well, it just is, and sad because in a way, I guess I am breaking up with you. Not that we were together or anything. Oh, hell, You know what I mean. Or you would, if I actually finished my sentence. Goodness. Even when I write, I babble. Anyway. By the time you read this, I'll be gone. As in permanently. As in, I've left Starling City, and I'm not coming back.

I am sorry I left like a thief in the night, without saying goodbye. I was so torn about leaving, and so afraid you guys would talk me out of it. Especially Oliver. I'm not sure I could have resisted him, and I needed to get out before our night job consumed me completely. This just seemed like the best way. And yes, also the coward's way, but I think I can live with that.

It must seem sudden to you, but believe me when I say the pressure had been building for a while. I never told you this - because I wanted to keep it to myself until it got serious, and then it ended before it could get serious - but a couple of months ago, I met someone. It was going well, we had a lot in common, and it seemed like he might be someone I could be with for the long haul.

Then Tockman happened. I couldn't hide that injury from him, and I couldn't tell him the truth about what happened either. I could have lied and said I fell and hurt my shoulder, but if things had progressed the way they seemed to be progressing, he would have seen the scar at some point anyway, and then what? In any case, at that moment I realized that given the life we lead, and as long as we do the work we do, I will never be able to have a serious relationship. And I want that someday, Digg. I'm not getting any younger. You and Oliver have people who know about what we do; you have Lyla, Oliver has his pick of the Lance sisters, and Roy...Roy is the perfect example of what happens if you try to keep secrets from the one you love. He lied to Thea, and he lost her. You can't build a serious relationship on secrets and lies.

Then there is Slade. I know he is incarcerated, but I have absolutely no faith that ARGUS wouldn't release him some day if it suited their purpose, and Slade is a resourceful man. I have no doubt that you will be seeing him again, one way or the other. And since he still thinks I am the love of Oliver's life, that puts me at risk. And even without him, let's face it: with the risks we took, the odds of all of us reaching old age were slim. Still are, for you guys. I'm not sure I could stand losing either or you.

On top of all that, the Arrow Cave had gotten very crowded. I miss the days when it was just the three of us. I like Roy, and he will be an asset some day, but you know how I feel about...other things. Laurel in the lair is a complication I really didn't need in my life, and it looked like she was there to stay.

Taken individually, none of these situations would have been enough to make me leave, but the weight of all of it was starting to add up. In the end, the cons were starting to outweigh the pros.

Then came what I like to call Oliver's Betrayal - in my more melodramatic moments, that is. He used me, Digg. He used me as bait to trap Slade without so much as a by-your-leave. Why? Did he think I would have said no? When have I ever said anything but yes when it came to helping you guys, when it came to going out into the field? It's not like I haven't been undercover before.

I could see on his face the moment the idea to use me came into his head. He had plenty of time to fill me in, but he didn't. He just helped himself. And if that wasn't bad enough, what he said to me in the mansion - he knows how I feel about him, but he still said it. He made me believe for a few seconds. I'm pretty sure I've never felt that humiliated before in my life.

He broke my heart. I thought it hurt when my father left me. But this? This hurt a thousand times worse, and it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It tipped the scales for me, the writing was on the wall, and I realized it was time to go. For my own safety, emotional and otherwise, Felicity Smoak needs to cease to exist.

It's best all around if you don't know where - or who - I am now. I'm fine, and I'll continue to be fine. I have covered my tracks as only I can. Nobody will ever find me.

I have left you both a little gift, courtesy of Isabel Rochev (see the attachment for details). She had a couple of accounts in the Caymans that nobody seems to have known about. Since the witch is dead (ding dong), nobody is going to miss them, or the money they contained. And don't worry, I gave myself a little something out of them too. With a little smart investing, I'll be set for life.

So, there you have it. I'm going to miss you, John. More than I can possibly express. You were the big brother I always wanted. I'm going to miss both of you, and I'm sorry if I hurt you. Take care of yourself, and please...take care of him.

Lots of love,
Felicity