5. Ante Up

In which Hatter feels like the only sane man in Wonderland.

Ten minutes later, Hatter lay sprawled on the floor of the elevator where Alice had dumped him, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened—and defending himself to the mad woman he'd just taken a bullet for.

"I was trying to help you!"

"By selling my ring?"

"I didn't know it was the Stone of Wonderland, did I?"

"Well, you could have asked me before bringing me here."

"You wouldn't have come." And then you would've been killed.

"You're damn right I wouldn't!"

When Alice finally stopped shouting, Hatter pulled himself to his feet and began taking off his coat.

"What are you doing?" she snapped.

"I need to get this stuff off. It's only good for one use when you're shot point-blank. I can't breathe."

She turned back to face the front of the car, arms crossed firmly in front of her. The carriage clanked to a stop, and Alice opened the door but didn't leave.

Most common sense she's shown all day, Hatter thought.

He gingerly shook off his jacket, and as the pain seared across his chest, he felt a surge of anger. I was trying to help, damn it. Yeah, so he was a world champion at covering his ass. But it's not like anyone else was going to. And what was he supposed to live off—gratitude?

You know why I didn't tell you about giving Dodo the ring? he wanted to shout. Because stupidly heroic people expect everyone else to be stupidly heroic too. You're in the real Wonderland, not some story book.

He got the vest loose and gingerly slipped it over his head, trying to keep the grunting to a minimum.

So I'm no bleedin' hero. I knew that a long time ago. But I'm the best you're going to get.

He threw the dented vest to the floor, and Alice jumped.

How had the situation gotten so out of hand? Alice hadn't backed down once, that's how—even with that egomaniac's gun in her face.

Of course, Hatter'd let himself get worked up too. He could usually blow Dodo off, but even the memory of Dodo call him an "ungrateful leech" and a "blood-sucking carpetbagger" made him see red.

And then you went and proved him right—bargaining over Alice like she's contraband.

Yeah, well, nothing in Wonderland comes for free, right?

Hatter pulled on his shirt and glanced up at Alice, still glaring at the wall—watched her tuck a lock of hair nervously behind her ear.

But maybe it should. The Hearts bought and sold people, but the Resistance didn't. Hatter didn't.

Usually.

He sighed. Whatever happened to "noble and true," eh?

As he picked up his coat, Alice turned and ran down the stairs, disappearing around the corner.

"Wait!" he shouted, grabbing his hat.

When Hatter finally caught up, Alice was charging heedlessly in the worst direction possible. She was also losing her cool, which was incredibly dangerous. One wrong move, and the Suits would be on them, depriving Hatter of his head and Alice of her… self. It was not a prospect he was ready to face.

Fortunately, Hatter had a place to lay low and at least a dozen "associates" who owed him favors. He just had to get her back to the Tea Shop.

"Listen, calm down," he said. "I'm going to try and get you home, okay?"

But Alice was still livid, and not about Dodo. "Oh, really. And what's in it for you? Let me guess, you want your usual cut up front?"

"I don't blame you for being angry. I acted… impetuously."

"Selfishly! You acted selfishly!"

Hatter's retort died in his mouth. "Whatever word you wanna... use," he finished. He suddenly felt incredibly tired. "Let me make it up to you. Alice, this is a dangerous place. Trust me, you're going to need my help."

She regarded him for a long moment. "All right. For now."

On the walk back to the Tea Shop, he tried to encourage a little self-preservation, but Alice wouldn't hear it. She just kept going off about bloody Jack and how "none of this was his fault." As if innocence mattered.

"The point is," she concluded, "I'm the only one who can get him out of this mess."

"How'd you figure that out?"

"I've got the ring. I can use it to negotiate his release."

Wait a minute. "Ah, no. No." A feeling suspiciously like panic was wrapping itself around Hatter's chest.

"No?"

"Look, you can't negotiate with the Queen. She's crazy!" Yup, that was panic, all right. "You have to cut your losses. You get the hell out of here while you still can!"

"No, I can't just abandon Jack. He's innocent," Alice insisted again. "And besides, I like him."

"Oh, you like him," he snapped.

"Yes. A lot!"

"Trust me, I know a thing or two about liking people."—One: most aren't worth it. Two: it doesn't do any bloody good.—"And in time, after much chocolate and cream cake, 'like' turns into 'What was his name again?'"

"No, not in my world. Look–"

But there was the Tea Shop, straight ahead. And Hatter's last dependable asset was looking a lot less secure.