He considered it a miracle that the Elders had paired him with Fiona. Of all the women in the community, he'd lucked out with having his childhood best friend as his spouse. He hadn't been as close with either Fiona or Asher in the last few years. He could pinpoint it to sometime around their thirteenth year, after they had finished their individual job training and slowly immersed themselves in their new careers. There was not as much time for hanging out like they used to. It was especially difficult for Jonas as his life began taking on a whole new vibrancy and meaning. Every day, every experience was rich with color and emotion. It was all so exciting in the beginning, with the Giver walking him through each memory...

Eventually, though, the excitement wore off and he was left with an enormous burden, a bitter knowledge that he was now isolated from everyone else in his community because of how he saw the world. He would forever be alone. As hard as he tried to return to regular conversations and normal social interactions, he would find himself saying something out of the ordinary or not responding the way he should. His friends found him changed, acting strange. He would sometimes space out, overcome with a specific memory, and forget what he was talking about or even who he was talking to. The Giver's company eased the heaviness a little, but the loneliness was slowly driving him to insanity.

When his group turned twenty, the age when spouses were chosen, Jonas knew he would never be able to completely share his life with the person chosen for him. The weeks prior to the ceremony, his anxiety grew. He was plagued with memories of couples, weddings, various acts of love and intimacy. He was tortured by the fact that he was the only one in his family unit that could truly love them, that neither his parents nor Lily could ever return such an emotion. He was terrified of falling in love with his spouse only to be inevitably disappointed because his spouse could not love.

But oh how happy his heart was when Fiona's name appeared next to his own at the ceremony. His eyes found hers immediately and he could see the relief in her smile as they made their way towards each other. He found himself regretting distancing himself from her the past few years, wondering what course her life had taken since they'd last spoken. Although when he thought about it, everything in the community was so thoroughly planned out that he doubted Fiona's life had altered much since they'd been thirteen. Still, he thought, this whole life partner thing would be so much easier with someone he'd grown up with, someone as kind and caring as Fiona.

He had wished there could be a ceremony like those in his memories, wished they could stand at an altar, with Fiona in a beautiful white dress and himself in a dark suit, surrounded by their family and friends. He wished he could stare into her beautiful blue eyes (if only she knew what amazing shade of blue they were), wished he could recite his vows, and lean over to kiss her... But spouses never engaged in such activity, never even held hands. Sure, they shared the same bed, but there was no such thing as cuddling or hugging between them, let alone kissing of any kind.

He had no idea how difficult life would become for him BECAUSE it was Fiona that was chosen. He already had a strong connection with her from his past, now it only began to grow day by day. He couldn't help getting excited at the thought of building a family with her, of seeing her first thing in the morning and last thing every evening. It didn't help that she was incredibly attractive (he'd always thought so growing up). He hadn't taken injections in years and he was scared that, with his soul so raw and constantly exposed, Fiona would eventually find it too difficult to live with him. He had explained to her from the start that he was different, that his job required him not to take injections and, as a result, he would sometimes act strangely. Fiona nodded, understanding as she always was, and expected such oddity in his behavior. She didn't ask questions when he would wake up in the night screaming or crying, haunted by memories. She would ask him if he was alright, thinking at first he was ill. He tried to explain he was having something called a nightmare, but she didn't know what he was talking about. He wished she could know, could hug and comfort him when the memories were too much. But although she was naturally a sensitive soul, it was unfair to expect such a response from her.

He loved watching her get dressed in the mornings, loved how she laughed when he tried to be funny, loved how she would smile at him when she came home from work...

She had just entered through the door and given him a greeting when he suddenly approached her and embraced her with a hug.

The Giver had given him a memory of a husband who lost his wife in a car accident. The feeling of loss created a gaping hole inside of Jonas, he couldn't shake off the emotion all day.

Fiona stood rigidly in his arms, too shocked to respond. Jonas closed his eyes tight, breathing in the smell of her, trying to steady his shaky breathing.

"Will I see her in all my memories from now on?" The memory had just faded and left Jonas feeling strangely cold. There was a weariness in his voice as he questioned his friend. The Giver said nothing, recognizing the tremulous fear in Jonas' eyes, knowing what it was like to be haunted.

"Are you well, Jonas?" Fiona asked as she pulled away from him, reaching up to feel his forehead with the back of her fingers, the feeling cool on his skin. He didn't know how to silence the raging thoughts running through his mind and form a coherent sentence. She waited for him to speak, brushing aside some of the hair that fell onto his brow. Such a small act, she had probably done it absentmindedly. It meant nothing to her, but Jonas was surprised at how caring and intimate it felt to him.

"I'm so happy you're alive." He started saying, then swallowed. He had to be more precise with his language. "I'm sorry, I just... I very much enjoy your presence." Even that was still pushing it. Fiona tilted her head to the side, a faint smile on her lips as she listened patiently. He let out a sigh. "I was just thinking what my life would be like if something...tragic were to happen to you and you were taken from me so early on in our marriage..." He bit his lip and closed his eyes as the memory came full force again.

"What a strange thought... But Jonas, why should anything like that happen to me? Why would you think such a thing?" She asked, sounding worried. He hadn't meant to trouble her, rubbing the side of her arm, hoping it would reassure her. When he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He hated this, hated the ever present isolation that distanced him from everyone he cared about.

"I wish you could tell me what you do as the Receiver." She spoke softly. He could detect hurt in her voice. He wished he could tell her too, didn't know if he could handle living this way for the rest of his life, slowly dying inside.

"I can't... But even if I did, it would be impossible for you to understand."

She lowered her gaze to the ground and nodded, stepping around him to put her bag on a nearby table.

"I apologize for embracing you." He said to the empty space in front of him.

"Jonas..." Fiona thought for a moment, then sighed. "I accept your apology." She said quietly before heading upstairs.