Cabbage - Oneshot

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It is almost midday, I'm sitting in the study with my paperwork. The soft light of the sun, that's positioned at the middle of the high sky is striking me at a side. The curtain moves a little when I face the windows, it's good that a soft breeze is blowing, other way I would be complaining about the heat.

"Yuuri, if we had a child, how do you think they'll look like?"

Wolfram is looking at me with his big green eyes that makes me forget about the impossibility that implies the question; and I answer him normally.

"Mmmm… I think they most likely will have black hairs. Or maybe even the eyes, because almost all times the stronger genes are the ones with darker colors. But you never know, maybe they would resemble you."

"Hummh."

He's thinking about something looking at the ceiling, then he smiles pleased and continues with his paperwork.

"But, why are you asking this out of the blue?"

"Just curiosity. It would be great if they have the hair like you, when they'll be older they'll be really handsome."

My face is getting a little hot, I can't get used to his compliments even if he tells me those things casually.

"But, if they looked like you I think it would be cuter. Blonde, green eyes, that's better than mine." I use my thumb and index finger to rub one of the ends of my dull black hair. "If it was a girl, with that hair she'll be like a little doll for sure."

"Wouldn't you like to have a boy?"

"Ah, I don't know. Yeah, I think so. We already have Greta, and she's a girl. Besides, I would like to have a son to teach baseball, that would be good. You could teach him to use the sword. I like girls, and of course she also can do all that, but I think it's still different."

"So, would you like to have one?"

The question sounds too serious, but when I look at Wolfram he's resting calmly on the back of his hands smiling at me.

"Yes, sure. I mean, nothing wrong thinking about it, right? A boy sounds great."

Wolfram looks really pleased, he fixes his paperwork and comments:

"I would like to have a boy too."

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Conrad, who was with me a while ago, is now talking to Gwendal about some issues of importance at the borders. Günter is sitting at my side, sticking as close as he can as always, and he's writing down some corrections in the document I was checking. At least concentrating in this I can forget about his sexual harassment of each minute. I allow myself to be lost in numbers and amounts for a moment, the amount of wheat this year seems to be better than last year, that's very good.

I didn't have the time to continue calculating in my mind how much profit we'll get from this, nor the low in the price of the bread for the people, or even be glad about all of it. I feel something strange behind me, and then the sound of scissors.

I turn, Wolfram is standing triumphant, with a little black lock between his fingers.

"Wha-? Did you cut my hair?!" I can't believe it, that's like a violation! Well, not with a sexual meaning, but it's a kind of violation!

Gwendal and Conrad look here after my scream.

"B-but what's that behaviors? The hair of His Majesty! How could you?! I can't forgive this awful sacrilege, touching His Majesty is already something bothersome that I have to stand from you! But cutting his beautiful locks that are as dark as the night?! Spoiled Prince, you've already crossed the line of the unforgivable, you'll need to be punish-!

The angry screams and the lecture from Günter are interrupted by the very same accused. Without being botheed by anything, something normal for him, Wolfram shots an impertinent sentence.

"Yuuri, let's make a baby!"

The eyes of Günter are like two boiled eggs. I hear Conrart laugh a little behind me. And I almost, just almost can feel how Gwendal's brow stretches and the wrinkles disarms by surprise for a second, then they go back to its normal state.

I suppose my face is all red, because I feel it's burning. What in the world does that mean? Is that an indecent proposition?! Just like that? In front of everybody? Like he's asking me for cadies?

And on top of all he keeps smiling very widely excited.

"We talked about it today, remember? You said it was ok. And I agree too, so, why not? We can try a boy."

"Yes, I remember we talked. But… this is so sudden. Do you want a child? It's not like we can go by choosing one from anywhere." But that's what I did with Greta, but that doesn't matter. "Do you want to adopt?"

I ask with a little shyness at the end. In fact, I need to think over it seriously, but it's easy to imagine me in the orphanage meeting some children with him… This is going too fast! We're not even married yet to start thinking about something like this!

Gwendal growls in the background. He hates when Wolfram has this eloquence episodes.

"No, I want one of our own."

Ah? Own…? What does that mean? My face seems to not help him to understand I would like an explanation.

"Wait a moment… what does this have to do with my chopped hair?"

I've forgotten about that, but I'm not very happy with it. I touch with my fingers behind my head, I can feel a lock ending straight. It may look weird for sure, it will need a retouch.

"Oh, right!" he says with a surprised face, and then he cuts a lock of his bangs so fast that nobody has time to complain. Between his fingers black and gold mix together.

"Wolfram! What're doing, how could you cut your hair like that?! Besides, at the front part where it's most noticeable, just look how it looks now!"

His green eyes move upwards, he has a square lock that looks pretty bad, just on top of his right eyebrow. It seems he doesn't give a thing about it.

"It's just hair. It grows."

"Wolfram, could you explain what does all of this mean. You can't go cutting people's hair, and you shouldn't do arbitrary things with yours."

"I can cut my hair if I want." He retorts to his older brother, but he says no more. He hold back himself when he's dealing with Gwendal, but in the end the titles and respect with his family are more like personal courtesy than other thing.

"Gwendal is right Wolfram. What's going on?" asks Conrad, Günter nods at my side, and he joins the group of staring people who're waiting for an answer.

The attention of everyone over him makes him smile with self-importance. He loves to receive attention, he was always like that.

"I just plan to plant this in the plot of the private garden. I've decided to grow the cabbage, Yuuri and I talked about it this morning."

"Ah…? Cabbage? What has to do a cabbage with what we talked about this morning?"

"What does it has to do? And how do you think we're going to get a baby then, wimp? Uh?"

I think I'm losing something important here.

Like always, in fact.

I look at him serious, I don't say anything more. I'm at a loss of words, because there are so many things crossing my mind trying to fit ones with another. Before I say anything about the conclusion I made, Günter come early laughing a little about it.

"That doesn't make sense. A cabbage? How can children think about such things, like if that was possible."

Conrad and the others look suddenly relaxed, even Gwendal has an amused smile underestimating the idea. At last, this reaction rational and logical makes me feel calm. Wolfram looks a little angry, he glares at me looking for a partner. I don't want to abandon him, but this is so…

"You're not being serious, right? That about the cabbage…"

He looks pretty serious, I thought that he'll laugh and tell me everything is a joke.

"Wolfram you know where the babies come from, right?"

I can't think about someone with eighty four years that doesn't know. Besides, it's clear that he knows very well about the process, since the moment I came here he has been harassing me sexually and suggesting a lot of things that makes me think he knows about it since a long time ago. Until he started with this about the baby I thought he was talking about that.

"Men, women, sex. There no cabbage or stork in that equation."

For the time being I feel uncomfortable talking about what he thinks that happens when these are relationships between same sex people.

"And what has to do a stork in all of this, novice? Don't change the subject."

The conversation is now only between he and I. The others have completely given up, they're getting ready to continue with their normal routine, the show is over.

"The cabbage and the babies have a lot to do one with another. Babies are born from it too. You should instruct yourself more Yuuri, it's shameful that with your age you don't know about things like this. Only children don't know something like that, and that's because they're still too little to understand."

"Isn't it not me who should say that about you?!"

"Whatever, wimp. I need to work in the garden, I'm not losing more time discussing details with you, we've already taken a decision and I'm not taking it back."

I hate when he marks the end point of a conversation, there isn't another option than accept it. In an instant he already was gone from the room. Conrad notices my annoyance like always and comes closer.

"Maybe you should let him be. You know he'll change his mind later."

That's what we always say. It's easiest to wait that he forgets about it than trying to stop him.

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I couldn't help it, now I'm heading to the courtyard to see what the hell is Wolfram doing there. Is he really going to plant something in the ground? It seems so, because I can see him from the distance with his foot on one of the big shovels starting to dig the soil. It seems I arrived when he's just starting.

"Are you really doing it?"

"Of course."

He keeps digging. I feel ignored. Close to his feet there is an odd looking little bag tied with a silk thread, it's like a spring onion.

"Do you need help?" It's not like I want to encourage him, but I don't know what to do and I feel silly just looking.

"It's ok, you don't need to." It seems his mood has improved only with my question. "As long as both of us are here it's enough, but it's not needed for both of us to dig. It's pretty simple, two people will be more an hindrance than help."

I assume the typical pose of a Japanese delinquent of high school and I look closely at the hole. The soil is very black, smooth and it looks a little damp. What Wolfram is digging is big enough to put the little bag inside.

"Did you put the hair there?" I ask looking him in the eye.

"Yes. That, some nails or something similar is needed. I suppose you don't know anything about this, it's obvious you need something from both person, and it can't be objects. It has to be genetic material, it will not work if it's not that."

Genetic material… That's supposed to be the ovule and spermatozoon, not hair, nails or the ear wax.

"Wolfram… do you really think babies are born from a cabbage? C'mon man, if this is a joke it's time to close it. Look, I know you're not the best telling jokes, so let me do you a favor and tell you when it's a good time to end it. Now is a good time, I think I can even laugh you went that far."

"Humff… You really are uncultured, Yuuri. This is not a joke." Without looking at me he takes the spring onion package and throws it inside the hole, then he adjusts it carefully and start covering it with his hands. "Just wait a month and you'll see."

"A month?"

He places his hand on top of the soil and murmurs some things.

"One month, Yuuri. One month and we'll be parents again. Give it time to grow."

His smile is brilliant when he looks at me for a moment into the eyes. He touches my shoulder while laughing, shakes his head and leaves.

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Wolfram takes care of and waters his little plant, or whatever that thing it's supposed to be, with a lot of care, sometimes he talks to it when he places his hand on the ground. That doesn't seem strange for me, my mom also talks to plants, she says they grow healthier like that. What worries me is the insanity of the idea. That in one month a person is supposed to appear.

It's completely ridiculous.

I don't know what to say to him anymore, it's been a week since he does this, and we've discussed about it a couple of times. The only thing that came to my mind was telling him that if things are not like he expected he should not get depressed about it. What worries me a lot is how much excited he is with the idea of having a child. I hope the disappointment doesn't hurt him in the end, because it's impossible a human being appears from there. Maybe a plant with some luck, but it doesn't show any signs until now.

I'm not the only one who started to see the serious side of this matter, and who is afraid of the mental health of my fiancé.

Gwendal and the others have talked to him. They had talks where I was present, and I know they had others in private. But Wolfram doesn't want to reason, the only thing he says is "we need to wait and we'll see", and he ignores us.

I suppose that if things are not like he expects, I can still propose to him to visit the orphanage for real. I talked with Gwendal about it and he also thinks it's a good idea, but we've decided to wait the whole month.

Meanwhile, I'm still asking myself if there is a bird that brings children. Greta has mentioned the cabbage, and in fact she's the only one who believes in Wolfram but that's pretty common for her age, but nobody says anything about the stork when I mention it. Maybe here there is another strange animal as the one who brings children in the children tales? After the Soul Cake Duck(1) that lays eggs of chocolate during certain fortnight of a certain month, nothing can surprise me anymore.

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Wolfram placed a calendar on the wall of our room. He marked the expected day with a circle and drew things around it, the days that already passed are marked with a cross every time he finished to take care of his garden.

They're missing at least two weeks. The only thing I am hoping for is that he doesn't suffer a granddad-attack because of his age and start knitting little socks. No, that would be something that Gwendal would do, and with him it is enough.

Beyond that, everything is as normal as always. Between the eccentricities of everyone, just to clarify. And he looks happier than ever, it makes me feel jealous and guilty because I can't share his feelings. The only thing I can do is smile when he tells me about how exited he is about the things we need to change, what we have to buy and how we're going to take care of him. His happiness is contagious.

Better I start thinking about appointing that date at the orphanage.

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As I was waiting since yesterday, today is the day, and Wolfram waked up early making a fuss. He prepared some stuff, he has a bag ready at the shoulder and he asks me to accompany him. Since some days ago I can't help but feel curiosity, Günter complained that I should not be carried away by Wolfram's ideas. I think he's right.

When we are getting close to the place, I see a thing in the distance.

"What is… that?"

I finish my words in a low voice.

There is a cabbage.

A really big one by the way. In fact, it's huge. When did that thing appear there?! I came to check last week and there wasn't even a little sprout!

"Wolfram! A cabbage! And on top of all, it's huge! Really? When…? How…? But if…!"

Wolfram smiles with sufficiency, I have my mouth open. There's no way, this has to be a long term joke that he had been planning. He thinks it's funny to trick me, that I'm the only idiot that would believe him in the end if he impresses me with something like this. It was a good one, he almost made it. I don't know where he got that huge vegetable, it's bigger than two basket balls together.

I get close but I wait at a distance while he crouches down, I'm going to watch without getting involved.

"I told you you'll see, wimp."

I can't see what he's doing, he's giving me his back, he takes a blanket from the bag and I tilt my head trying to be able to see more but I can't. By the time he stands and gets closer, I suddenly have a bundle in my hands. It's pretty heavy, and I feel something warmin it.

It can't be.

There's no way that…

"Congratulations, dad." Wolfram smiles widely in front of me, he leans closer and kisses me. I respond out of habit, but I'm still confused and with my mind blank.

I look at the bulk in my hands and I hold it with one hand. I shift the fabric a little. My eyes open wide.

"Wolfram, where did this baby come from?! Where did you get him?! You didn't steal him, did you? Or did you go to the orphanage without telling me…?"

"This is no one's child, Yuuri. It's ours."

His words confuse me. I look at the cabbage behind him, a strange liquid is falling from a side, the inside is damp and sticky like an alien nest. Suddenly I see something moving in front of my face and it scares me. A little hand holds my nose. I look down, lively eyes are looking at me, green similar to Wolfram's.

I analyze him carefully.

I never saw a new born in my life, not really. But the TV and the movies taught me that they should be more red, wrinkly and little than this one. But the boy I have in my arms is paler, and I think a little more big and heavy than he should be. Besides, he's looking at me like he understands more than me about all of this. His eyes are two little round green apple, there's traces of the alien thing of the cabbage on him.

There's no doubt, he comes from there.

To finish making sure about it, I take him from the armpits and hold him. Like I was expecting the cloth falls, luckily Wolfram have fat reflexes and takes it so it doesn't reach the floor, it's clean and we can use it again later. The baby is naked hanging from my hands and he has something sticky on his belly, where the umbilical cord should be placed is something similar but more green.

The plant boy. Yes, I could call him like that.

Without a warning he slaps my face with his hand making a sound like "Ugyaa, gaa, huu gyagya" and laughes. I have to say that for a new born he's punching me very strongly.

"Hey, you're a very happy baby. And you have a lot of energy."

"Of course he is. He's our child after all. I think he knows we're his parents." Says Wolfram, and he asks me to hold him showing me the palm of his hands with an angelic smile.

Before I can put him in his arms, screams interrupt us.

"Wolfram von Bielefeld! Come here immediately! What the hell is supposed to be that?!"

Hey! It's my son, not that.

"Where did you get the Iggdrasyll seed? I don't see the twenty five blue forms in my office, neither the thirty five psychological tests, nor your marriage license! You don't even have one! And you know that's the first requirement of all! Beside the forty three laws you broke in the process of growing that thing! Do you want to spend your whole life in jail or what?!"

"What?! So, all of you knew?! The cabbage wasn't a crazy idea, or a fairy tale for children?!" I complain screaming. Gwendal continues to accuse Wolfram. Conrad is trying to save him. And Günter comes running agitated, before taking part in the mess, he explains to me:

"Oh, no, Your Majesty. The cabbage is not the problem. The legal terms to use it are. We can't allow any psychopath that's running wild to steal hair, nails or any other fluids from a person to make children. Imagine it! Just with a little of maryoku and genetic material you can make life! It's a fledged violation! What we could do for the victims, and the children rights!"

"Oh, yeah, it makes sense. If somebody took something from my body to make a baby, I would also feel… Hey! Wait a minute!"

Conrad gives me a pity look in the distance. It seems Wolfram will be busy for a long time. Now Günter is his lawyer, at least that makes me feel calm. But just partly, I know he's serious with this kind of issues, but his discrepancies with Wolf could cause troubles.

"Well, it seems daddy Wolf is busy right now, he has criminal charges to attend to not end up in jail. So, with that strong arm you have, do you think you can play baseball?"

"Giiah!"

"That's my boy! What do you think about visiting Gisela, and then you can have some pudding and I'll buy you a cap?"

"Guug."

I look in the direction of Wolfram. I feel pity for him, but I think I'll let him learn the lesson before saying I'll not present charges. After all, even if he's my partner that doesn't allow him to do whatever he wants.

"Now we are only you and me, but you can't call me mommy Yuu or I'll get mad. Daddy Wolf and daddy Yuu is ok, just like Greta calls us."

I wrap him in the cloth and put him on my hips. We start walking together facing the castle. He looks happy sitting over me, he hangs onto me with his little feet in a very cute way and puts his knuckles in his mouth staring at me when I talk to him.

"We're going to make them check you and we're going to your sister. We need to choose a name… but until Wolf finishes with that we can't. I think you'll continue being the anonymous plant baby for a little longer."

My family is getting bigger and bigger.

An illegitimate child. And now a boy that comes from a vegetable. But if Momotaro is the peach boy…

Who I am to say anything about the cabbage boy!

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The end.

(1) Soul Cake Duck: reference to the Discworld novel series.