A/N: I'm absolutely stupefied by all the lovely reviews and votes for another chapter. So here it is. It may not be exactly what some people wanted for the conclusion but hopefully you'll enjoy it nonetheless.

And for those reading my multichapters I'm getting back to writing them tomorrow so not long for some updates (I'll probably try to wrap up Missing first so I can then focus more on my other two with more timely updates). Although I am already planning a new story and accompanying sequel but I'm not going to post anything for that for a little while yet. Also I have a few more what if/episode tags in mind too so no sign of me stopping writing for a while yet as long as people are happy to read what I do!

Chapter 3

Jane felt the cold air hit him like a slap in the face as he left the bar, sobering him up immediately. He shivered and pulled his jacket tighter around him. He held out a hand and flagged a cab down. As he slumped against the back seat he gave the address of the CBI to the driver. He sighed as he looked out of the window at his side, streetlights illuminating the familiar streets. As he studied his reflection in the window he saw an old man look back at him, his mouth twisted in a grimace, a frown highlighting the lines on his face. A cruel and utter fool.

He closed his eyes to make the image disappear, the gentle motion of the cab drawing him closer to sleep. In his limbo state he saw her face before him, angry and hurt, green eyes staring back at him. He opened his eyes again, unable to look at that image either and noticed he was almost at headquarters. Before he gave himself time to change his mind he leaned forward in the seat.

'Sorry, change of plan' he said to the driver.

Lisbon padded about her living room barefoot, changed into yoga pants and a t shirt, her hair tied back into a ponytail. She slammed the kettle on the stove, too keyed up to have any chance of drifting off to sleep yet. Another night spent lying awake thinking about Patrick Jane. Bloody idiot she was. She dug out the peppermint tea he'd told her helped relaxation. She fired a teabag into a mug, rolling her eyes. Some chance.

When her doorbell sounded a few minutes later as she lay on her couch, her television tuned to a sitcom she had little interest in, she frowned. She knew exactly who it was but was surprised he hadn't skulked off to his attic after she abandoned him in the bar. She had expected him to do just that and then pretend no words had been said between them and act normal (well as normal as Jane's behaviour ever could be) at work the following day. And she, like an imbecile, would of course play along.

She raised herself from the couch with a sigh then checked the peephole. He stood there, hands in his pockets, rocking himself against the cool air as it ruffled through his hair. His head was down, his posture tense.

She stood back and considered ignoring him and to leave him out in the cold.

'You know I can always pick the lock if you don't open the door, Lisbon' he said, his voice muffled by the door between them.

She rolled her eyes, pulling back the locks and opened it, her jaw clenched, her features tight. 'Would have given me an excuse to shoot you if you had' she responded, gesturing with a sharp nod of her head for him to come in.

'Since when do you need an excuse to want to do that, especially tonight?' He chanced a smile, shrugged when her face gave no reaction in return and moved through the gap.

As she closed the door behind him he went straight to her kitchen, skimming his fingertips on the just boiled kettle and lit the stove under it again. He noticed the peppermint tea box still on the counter and picked it up. 'Do you mind?' he asked, his head turned ninety degrees with his back still to her.

'Since when do you ask' came the reply at his back.

He sensed her move away to take up residence on the couch again and silently made his tea before coming to join her. She was sprawled across it, leaving no room for him to sit down beside her. So he sat on the seat opposite, sipping his tea slowly as he watched her face as the moving images on screen flickered in front of her, her mind elsewhere. Both waited for the other to speak first.

He took a deep breath. 'Lisbon.'

Her eyes flickered to his for a split second before pretending to watch TV again.

'Lisbon' he said again. 'I...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.'

'You didn't' came the defensive reply immediately.

'Well I guess we're all good then, aren't we?' he replied sarcastically with an eye roll as he took another sip of his tea.

She turned the sound off on the television, straightened into a sitting position. Her voice was quiet, her gaze intense. 'Did you really mean what you said? About being better off on your own?'

He nodded mutely.

She looked down to her lap, played with the mug in her hands, gaining heat from its sides. Bringing her eyes back to him she asked, 'So then why are you here at all? Shouldn't you be in your thinking room moping if you're better off that way?'

He raised an eyebrow. 'I don't mope.'

'Please. You're the biggest moper I know.'

'That's not even a word, Lisbon.'

'Yeah, well the sentiment is true in any case' she bit back with immediately.

They looked at each other, smiling softly as their repartee papered over the cracks once again. Lisbon shook her head and sighed loudly. 'Do you have any idea how frustrating it is that I can't stay mad at you for long?'

He laughed softly. 'I have some idea but I'm grateful that it's true anyway.'

'It's not true, though' she said quietly after a few seconds. 'I mean about you being on your own. You're not. Whether you like it or not or want it to be that way. We have your back. You're part of the team like everyone else.'

He shrugged. 'The team, eh?' he smiled, shaking his head.

'Of course' she replied tersely.

'So, you were offended on behalf of the team earlier, were you?'

She averted her eyes and played with the television's remote control that sat on the arm rest.

'I'm trying to do the right thing here, Teresa.'

Her eyes popped back to his at the sound of her first name. 'Yeah, and what's that? Keep us at arm's length so when you ditch us we'll be glad to see the back of you?'

Frustration took over and there was annoyance in his tone. 'Look, if we're really going to have this conversation can we at least stop the pretence that this has anything to do with the damn team?'

She took the bait and moved forward on the couch, turning the television off. 'Fine. Let's have it then. What the hell am I to you? Just a convenience that you use when it suits you to get you out of trouble? Someone you don't give a damn about but make me think you do occasionally to keep me sweet for the next time you act impulsively?'

Her words stung and he pulled his head back as if she'd punched him. 'Of course not' he replied immediately. Although he had to admit there was a glimmer of truth to some of them.

'You're my friend, Lisbon. You're...'

Silence hung in the air for some moments as he tried to find the correct word or turn of phrase. He prided himself on his vast vocabulary but in this instant he couldn't think of a word that described what she meant to him. All the phrases that rolled around his head sounded like clichés from love songs. His light. The only brightness in his day. His anchor. His saviour.

He ran a hand through his hair.

She must have seen his struggle as the next words were hers.

'So then how can you say you're on your own?' she asked gently, more for the words he hadn't said to her than those he actually had.

He sighed loudly, shook his head. 'Okay, perhaps what I should have said is that I should be.'

'Is this the nonsense about Red John targeting people you're close to, again? Jane, like I told you before, I'm a cop; I know the risks of the job I chose. Besides that, he's never actually went after me or anyone else on the team yet-'

'Oh, and what about O'Laughlin? What was that?'

'Surveillance, obviously, through Grace.'

'He shot you, Lisbon.'

The memory of that day still haunted him. Her ragged breathing in his ear, the sheer terror he'd felt at the sounds of gunshots, the sense of hopelessness at not being there beside her, the guilt he'd felt afterwards that he'd put her in the firing line. And, of course, that he'd failed her as usual by choosing his vengeance instead of rushing to her side. He had hoped that day would be the last she'd have to suffer because of his actions but here they were almost a year later and he was still putting her through hell.

'Really? I'd forgotten' she replied, rolling her eyes. 'He only did that because his back was against the wall. He was after Hightower, not me or the team. We were just in his way.'

'Even if that were true it's only a matter of time before Red John does come after you.' He paused, the next word stuck in his throat. 'Purposefully.'

She shrugged at the word, clear to him it hadn't affected her. He wished she wouldn't be so brave sometimes as much as he admired her strength.

'Lisbon-'

'Jane, if he comes after me then he comes after me. There's not a lot we can do about that. And if he does it won't be your fault.'

He cocked his head at her. 'Really? Who else's fault would it be?'

'His for god's sake' she hissed.

She narrowed her eyes at him. After so many years working with him and learning how to read people better he had unwittingly taught her how to read him too. She wasn't always successful and when he had the time to draw a thick veil over his emotions she had no chance of doing so but tonight, when he was more weary and unguarded, she could tell there was more to his need to keep her at a distance than simply trying to protect her from Red John.

'What else?' she asked.

'Hmm?'

'There's more to it than that. What's the other reason you're insisting on pushing me and everyone else away?'

'The thought of Red John targeting you isn't enough?'

'There's more to it than that' she responded assuredly.

'Like what?' he asked vaguely. He didn't want to give more away than he had to.

She thought back to her earlier statement, to the time when the hunt would be over for him. 'What are your plans?' she frowned. 'Say he's out of the picture, what then?'

'I haven't put a lot of thought into it.'

'I don't believe you. It's the very thing you live for and you're telling me you've given no regard to what happens next?'

He deflected the question back to her. 'What do you think will happen that day?'

'My best guess? You'll want to kill him and I'll want to stop you.'

'But you know you won't be able to.'

'I don't know that. I'm hoping that you'll decide he's not worth what it would do to you to actually go through with it.'

His eyes were dark and cold. 'It will mean nothing to me to kill him.'

She pulled her mug from the table, tightening her hands around it. 'You can't kill a man and it not affect you. All the people I've had to kill...while I knew I had to each time...it still takes its toll on a person.'

He knew that there were nights she slept no better than he did, plagued by nightmares of what her career forced her to do sometimes. 'Well you have the misfortune of having some kind of misplaced conscience in these matters.'

'And you don't, I suppose?'

He shrugged. 'I've killed before' he argued. 'Twice in fact. Didn't change who I am.'

'The first time was to save a life' she replied, her tone soft as she recalled how he'd killed Hardy to save her.

'And the second?'

'Carter had a gun. Self defence.'

He chuckled. 'You think I wouldn't have killed him anyway even if he hadn't?'

She dodged the question, didn't want to consider it too closely. 'It's a different matter to actually murder someone in cold blood. I don't think you have that in you.'

'Then, my dear, you're delusional.'

'And so are you if you think killing him won't affect you.'

'Doesn't matter. I'll be saving the lives of his next victims' he shrugged. 'And besides he's not a man in my eyes. He's a cockroach.'

He sighed loudly. 'You need to accept that truth, Lisbon. That I'm going to kill him and that you won't be able to talk me out of it no matter how long it is until the day I do. One of these days there will be a fork in the road we're on and we'll each choose a different path.'

'I can't accept that.'

He looked to the ceiling in frustration before slamming his mug down on the coffee table, startling her and got up from the chair, beginning to pace. 'Jesus, you're obstinate! What is it going to take for you to get it into your head, woman!' He stopped and looked to his feet before seating himself beside her, his voice calm again as he stared into her eyes. 'You need to pull away from me, Lisbon and realise I'll do anything to catch him, even if that means hurting you in the process. More than I have already. So before that day comes you need to take a step back. You need to...' He shook his head, unable to say the next words. Stop loving me.

She put her mug on the table and placed her hand on top of his. He closed his eyes as her fingers stroked his knuckles, soft and velvety against his skin, soothing. 'We both know it's too late for that' she whispered.

He popped his eyes open, saw the fear in hers in return; the trepidation that she'd overstepped the mark. She stopped the gentle rub on his hand but didn't remove it.

A soft breath escaped his lungs. 'I never intended for this to happen' he replied wearily. When he saw the blush rise in her cheeks and her embarrassment continue he rubbed his thumb across hers. A small gesture to tell her that she wasn't the only one that was too invested in this relationship.

'Then you shouldn't have been so damn charming' she smiled with a hint of irritation in her tone.

He laughed softly, running his hand over hers. 'I thought I was more damn annoying than anything else' he said to her hand.

'It's a mixture of both' she replied immediately. 'Normally annoying wins out most days.'

They sat like that for a few moments in silence before he gazed at her again. For once in his sorry life he would give her complete honesty. 'I don't have a plan for after. I can't see me surviving it.' He swallowed hard, unable to look her in the eyes as he said the next words. 'I...I don't think I want to.'

She dragged her hand immediately from his and pulled her head back. 'What! Why the hell not!'

He clasped his hands together, missing the warmth of her touch instantly. He chanced a look and saw her expression, horrified, her lips parted, unable to speak anymore. He replied, calmness in his tone that served as a counterpoint to her expression, 'Because I'll have finished what I set out to do. Besides he'll more than likely kill me in the process of me killing him so there's probably not much chance of me having to make a decision on the matter.'

His words came out so matter-of-factly she wanted to punch him. She balled her hand into a fist. 'What if he doesn't, though?!'

'Hardly likely. He's much more experienced in killing than I am after all.'

She thought rationally, pushed the emotional side of her brain aside, and tried to come up with some type of solution that wouldn't end in his death. 'Look, if you're intent on doing this...if you won't be swayed then we plan accordingly. When we find out who he is we work out a plan. Some way of you doing it so the blame doesn't come your way. We can work out an alibi beforehand-'

'Stop, Lisbon' he interjected roughly, his voice pleading. He closed his eyes, tears threatening to fall from them. 'Please, just stop.'

She stopped talking but her mouth hung open, her eyes frantically darting from side to side, and her breathing rapid.

When he opened his eyes again he narrowed them at her, his stare both awestruck and searching at why she continued to try to protect him, to cover for him, even for future actions. He cupped her cheek to make her lock eyes with him, felt her tremble beneath his fingers, his own fingertips feeling like they were on fire as they touched her skin. 'You need to stop' he said in his softest tone.

She debated for a second to argue with him, her urge to fix this, to stop what he presented to her from occurring.

'You can't prevent this, Teresa' he continued, her skin tingling as her first name rolled gently off his lips. 'The day I kill him is going to be brutal and bloody. It's not going to be at the end of some elegant con.'

He removed his hand from her face, unable to resist dragging his fingers from her slowly as he did so, to relish her softness beneath them for as long as possible.

She straightened up, took control before she lost herself in a heap of tears. She cleared her throat. 'But what if he doesn't kill you? What if you survive somehow?' she asked again, her tone insistent. She needed to hear him say the words. To tell her that he planned to take his life afterwards. To know if he absolutely meant it.

'Then it'll be over for both of us either way.'

'But why, Jane? I don't understand why, after all these years, why would you throw your life away after getting what you wanted for so long?'

'Two options as I see it after I murder him. Option one I get arrested. I saw what I had to look forward to with Carter. Life in prison or death penalty. Frankly neither option holds much appeal.'

'We could work on a defence. Claim temporary insanity, something-'

'You're doing it again. Stop trying to fix what can't be fixed. Besides, I wouldn't let you help me, anyway.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

He sighed, pushed his head back to the soft cushions of her couch, and stared upwards for a few seconds. 'If I were arrested for murder again I wouldn't allow you to visit me in prison. I saw that with Carter too. There you were visiting me when you should have still been in hospital.' He shook his head, closed his eyes. 'I won't let you throw away the remainder of your life on a pipe dream. I owe you so much already but I owe you that most of all.'

'That would be my decision' she responded.

He opened his eyes, inclined his head towards her slightly. 'That's why I'd take it out of your hands.'

She wanted to slap him, to beat him senseless into seeing how stubborn he was being. Before she had a chance to reply he closed his eyes again, turned his head back and nestled it into the softness of her couch. His tone was utterly conversational, lazy almost. 'Second option to arrest is I could run away somehow. Not likely but a possibility depending on how publicly I kill him.'

The thought of never seeing him again was like a dagger to her heart but it was better than visiting his gravesite. 'Okay, so what's wrong with that option?'

He smiled, his eyes still tightly shut, sighed contentedly. For a moment she thought he'd fallen asleep. 'Can't you guess?' he finally asked quietly.

'You know I hate guessing games' she replied petulantly and he opened his eyes, laughed at her. She smiled back but a tear escaped down her cheek. His eyes roved around her face and the little that was left of his facade came crashing down. 'Because I'd never be able to do this again. Just sit somewhere and look at you.'

Her breath hitched in her throat and she could feel her heart hammering in her chest. 'If you chose the first option you would. Please, Jane. If you do this then let me help you after.'

'If I kill him you'll never look at me the same way again. It goes against everything you believe in as a cop if I kill him in cold blood. You might think you wouldn't and I know you'd fight tooth and nail to get me out of it but...it would fracture what we have permanently. And I can't face that. That scares me more than death does.'

Her temper flared at him deciding how she would react. 'You should have more faith in what I will and won't forgive. I've hardly given you reason to believe otherwise, have I?' She sighed heavily. 'So, that's what it comes down, does it? You being a coward as usual? Not wanting to face what might happen, to run away from it instead? Just like in the bar earlier.'

He frowned, sat upright beside her again. 'What are you talking about?'

She was at the end of her tether and felt she had nothing left to lose. 'You were about to kiss me earlier but you wimped out and ran off to the bathroom instead' she challenged.

He blinked rapidly for a second, licked his lips nervously. 'I-'

'Oh, please, don't try and deny it, Jane. I'm-'

'I'm not denying it' he interrupted, his honesty stopping her mid flow. 'But we both know what a tremendous mistake that would be.'

'Why? What are you so afraid of?' She came closer, moved her face nearer his. He felt her thigh brush against his, the heat from her intoxicating. 'That it might give you reason to rethink your grand plan of becoming a martyr?'

He swallowed, watched as her pupils dilated and darkened, her mouth inches from his. 'Lisbon' he sighed. 'Please.'

'Please what? Kiss you or don't kiss you? Which is it?' she asked brusquely.

'Teresa' he breathed.

'Coward' she reiterated the word with absolute clarity, when he didn't move to close the distance between them. She was taunting him, tempting him to find a different path than the one he'd chosen.

He finally replied, his voice thick with emotion, 'Yes. I am.'

She nodded in agreement. 'Yes, you are.' A moment's pause. 'But I'm not.'

She fell forward, her lips finding his and kissed him gently, almost fearfully. Though not unexpected he couldn't react for a moment as his brain processed what had actually happened. When it did he still held back, keeping his eyes open, allowing her this moment but fighting against being a willing participant. He attempted to blot out how smooth her lips were, how he could smell peppermint tea on her breath, coconut in her hair, cinnamon on her skin. She grabbed the lapels of his shirt, pulled him closer, trying to instil a reaction. She ran her tongue against his lips, striving to coax his mouth open. He held fast, his hands grasped to the cushions beside him, trembling as he fought the urge to wrap them around her, to give in to his desire. An involuntary moan escaped as he fought for control and she took full advantage by driving her tongue into his mouth. His eyes fluttered shut and he savoured the sensation of the small thrusts it made against his. He knew in that instant he was powerless to fight any longer, his passion reignited after years of lying dormant. His hands went to her face, holding her still as he returned the kiss, possessively taking control of it as he kissed her deeply, his lips moving against hers with both strength and gentleness. She moaned and he revelled in the sound, his lips finding her neck, nipping at it gently with his teeth as he trailed kisses downwards, his hands circling her waist and pulling her against him.

'Still want to kill yourself?' she gasped as he sucked on the pulse point in her neck.

'I'm still going to kill him' he replied, roughly pulling down the shoulder of her t shirt so he could taste the bare skin there, his nose pushing her bra strap down as he did so.

'Not what I asked' she responded, her fingers working on the buttons of his vest as she kissed his earlobe before biting it gently. She giggled as he started a little at the sensation before he growled with lust.

He didn't respond but instead weaved a hand underneath her top, squeezed her breast, his lips back on hers again.

'Jane' she panted after he released her lips and began to kiss the other side of her neck, his hand massaging her breast in smooth strokes, his thumb circling her nipple. 'Answer me.'

He pulled away from her with a large sigh, his breathing ragged. She smiled as she saw his hair mussed, his cheeks red and his lips swollen, proud that she'd had such an effect on him. She supposed she looked no better as he smirked back. Still he didn't reply.

'Have more faith in me' she said gently. 'Have more faith in what we can both endure even if we're apart.'

She saw him struggle still, part of him afraid of dragging her down a lonely and painstaking road ahead with him, of taking yet more time from her life, of stopping her moving on to someone else. She added, 'Promise me one thing at least.'

He nodded mutely.

She laced her hand in his hair, teasing his curls gently. 'Promise me you'll think of this moment. If you're lucky enough to survive him. Promise me you'll think of this moment right now before you do anything rash.'

He took her other hand in his and kissed its palm. He sighed, shook his head at her. 'I can hardly say no to you now, can I? Okay Lisbon, I can promise you that.'

- THE END -

A/N: Hopefully you enjoyed the bittersweet ending, didn't want to go too AU but wanted to give a little more substance to the scene after he killed RJ and considered ending his life. We all know it worked out well in the end though, right?! Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing (hopefully?)