It's nice to write for a small fandom; you can connect more with fans of the show because there aren't that many. And because I've felt like I've connected with the people in this fandom, I'm going to do at least one more story.

I realize it's been a while and I wish I had better excuses than severe writer's block, other projects/commitments, work, continuous power outages (this is done on a desktop BTW), and life. The bright side; this did manage to get done.

And for the record, this episode will be a loving rip off to a popular, American ensemble show and I'm not naming names.

(*cough*FRIENDS *cough*)

"And it actually has a name," Jane passed the Koosh ball she "borrowed" from Sally to Jeff instead of helping Susan, Steve, and Oliver decorate Patrick and Sally's flat. "Apparently, it's called a Koosh ball."

"Really?" Jeff squeezed the spiked rubber ball. "I just called it a squeezy ball."

"Apparently repeatedly squeezing the ball is a common way to help relieve stress- at least that's what Sally told me. I guess that's why it's so squeezy. Oh, and Koosh isn't another name for a vagina."

"It isn't?"

"I know, right! It's a total mind blower."

Jeff's face fell. "I've come up with 9,328 different words for breasts but I never once thought of any to use for vagina." He slumped against the wall. "What have I done with my life?"

"No, no," they didn't notice Steve (still wearing a Band-Aid on his forehead after a prior accident that took place the other day) come into the living room until he acknowledged himself, "please don't help or be at all useful."

Jane scoffed. "I bought the decorations didn't I? Pink streamers, pink balloons, pink napkins, pink party favors; God you might as well hose their flat in Pepto Bismal." She went over to a table of gifts and moved one. "There, I helped organize the gift table too. So now you can't say I haven't been any help."

"Jane," Susan practically stormed into the flat with an unhung banner, "would you care to explain this banner?" Susan displayed the banner clearly labeled 'It's a Boy'.

"It's not my fault the party store ran out of 'It's a Girl' banners. I was going to go to a different store but then you called and demanded I get back here and help set up. If you're that embarrassed by it then we can always hang up the banner Jeff made."

"Yeah we can," Jeff agreed.

"No we can't," Susan disagreed.

"Why not?"

"Because you misspelled the baby's name!"

"I did?"

"Her name ends in L-I-E not L-Y!"

"Yeah, but to be fair words that rhyme with Ellie end in L-Y: words like telly, or smelly, or belly, or jelly, or deli."

"Deli ends with L-I."

"I know, but I was on a roll with the rhyming thing. So you can see why I thought her name was spelled like that."

"Sally ends with an L-Y!" Jane noted with enthusiasm.

"Yeah, but it doesn't exactly rhyme with Ellie does it?"

"Jeffrey, if you're going to be my boyfriend you're supposed to agree with me," Jane turned to Susan, "And Susan, you underestimated me."

Susan raised an eyebrow to her. "I did?"

"I can easily solve our little banner problem," Jane started digging through her purse. "I bought a pack of colorful markers."

"How are colorful markers supposed to help?"

Jane took out a red marker. "Like this," taking the banner from Susan, she added the word 'NOT' in an open space between the words 'IT'S' and 'A'. "I would have used a pink marker, but I didn't see any so I made sure to pick a pack with a red marker because it's closest to pink."

With a sigh, Steve turned to his wife. "Should I buy a new banner then?"

"No," Susan declined, "let's just forget about the banners."

"But I fixed this one!" Jane protested. "It's not a boy after all!"

"She's right, that sign is technically accurate," Steve agreed.

An irritated Susan turned to him. "Whose side are you on?"

Steve tried to form words, but the only words coming out of his mouth were incoherent gibberish. It took him a few tries to properly spew out his upcoming rant, "What do we even need a banner for anyway? I'm pretty sure the baby has already been gender identified! Everyone who's coming to this little get-together is aware of that fact! It's not like some unaware person is going to show up and go 'oh I wonder if it's a boy or girl'. 'Oh, that banner says it's not a boy so- logically- it must not be a boy and by process of elimination it must be a girl!' Then they'd most likely question why we didn't purchase the obvious choice in birth announcement decor! Granted, we could argue that Jane adjusting the incorrect sign has led to a somewhat creative way of saying that the new baby is a girl, but no one here is going to be impressed by a banner announcing the obvious statement we already know! Are these banners totally necessary for a homecoming party when everyone has been informed of a new baby's sex? And why is it labeled on balloons and other miscellaneous objects for that matter? Do people think a new mother is going to enjoy people giving her gifts clearly stating what she already knows? Do you think the mother is going to forget the gender of the human that forced its way out of her genitals and drastically changed her life? Are these announcement decors a necessity? No? So why do people buy that when people are already made aware of the fact?"

"Because it makes for nice decoration?" Jeff's reply came out more like a question.

"Thank you Jeff!" Steve bitterly grumbled.

"Well Steve," speaking of signs, it wasn't usually a good one when Susan had her arms folded across her chest- the tone of voice she was using didn't help much either, "you're right."

Steve was taken aback. "I'm sorry, I'm…what?"

"You're right."

Steve seemed pleased with himself. "I am, aren't I?"

A smug smile formed across Susan's face- which slowly made Steve's proud expression falter. "That is a creative way of announcing that it's a girl. Nice job Jane."

A proud expression flashed across Jane's face. "Why thank you Susan," she looked at her sign, "It is rather creative isn't it? Can we still hang it up?"

"I don't see why not. Steve, why don't you hang up Jane's banner?" With an audibly incoherent grumble, Steve took the banner from Jane and proceeded to hang it up. "Little higher, Darling."

"Kelly!" Jane's bizarre outburst seemed to come out of left field.

"What?" Susan was the only one to be vocal about the random blurt.

"Kelly ends in L-Y and rhymes with Ellie."

"That was a previous conversation Jane! That statement is completely irrelevant now."

"Well in my defense no one told me that conversation was over."

Susan groaned and stomped her way into the kitchen where Oliver was finishing decorating a cake. "I don't know why I bother sometimes!" She leaned against the fridge and took a calming breath. "Thank you Oliver."

Oliver looked up at her in puzzlement. "Is this a good 'thank you'? Why am I being thanked?"

"I just wanted to thank you for being a big help with this little party and for helping me cook."

"No problem; I've got a sort of knack for it. Could have went into culinary but instead I went into comics."

Susan smiled at that as she looked at his cake. "It's nice to see you spelled Ellie correctly."

"Is there really any other way to spell it? Oh, do you want me to add anything else to this? You know like a full name or…"

"Nah, 'Welcome Home Ellie' is fine. At least it's not 'It's a Girl'…or 'It's a Boy'."

Oliver read between the lines. "Jane picked the wrong sign?"

"Am I really the only one who can effectively organize things?"

"Sally can."

"And I didn't realize how much I depended on Sally when it came to planning things. You never know how good someone is until you can't use them anymore…oh God that sounded better in my head."

They shared another laugh before Oliver changed topic. "Hey, where's Joshua?"

"My sister took him this afternoon. Elise figured Joshua'd just be in the way so she'd take him for the afternoon; let him get acquainted with his cousin."

"Just to clarify, she meant that your son Joshua would be in the way?" Oliver wanted to clear up any confusion beforehand.

Susan let out an annoyed groan (she regretted ever mentioning to anyone that her sister's son's name was also Joshua). "Yes I meant my son Joshua."

"Well, that was nice of her to do that."

"You know," Susan paused for a moment, "Elise would like to get acquainted with you."

Oliver's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as he stopped what he was doing. "An actual woman wants to get to know me?"

"She needs to get back into the dating scene and she does fancy you."

"She does?"

"So I told her I'd put in a good word."

"Why?"

"Aren't you always lamenting how you never have a girlfriend?"

"Well, yeah but-"

"Oliver Morris, is there something you're hiding from us? Something like a new girlfriend perhaps?"

"It's…complicated! Look, I'm flattered that your sister fancies and me- and it's rather bad timing that she wasn't already divorced when we first met- but…but…this relationship I'm in is sort of new. I don't know where it's headed exactly but-"

"Just keep your options open, okay. If things don't work out with this new girlfriend then bear in mind that Elise isn't always going to be an available alternative."

"An actual woman who fancies me asked about my relationship status just as I get into another relationship?" Oliver looked up. "Why God? Why must you play these games with me?"

"Do you think this new relationship you're in is going anywhere?"

"I s'pose it could but right now it's…complicated."

"There you go using that term again! Why is it complicated? Do you care for this woman? It is a woman isn't it?"

"Yes, it's a woman!" Oliver was clearly offended.

"Well then what's wrong? You're in a new relationship- with a woman- and you seem to be having doubts. What's so complicated Oliver?"

"You're going to have to tell them eventually Oliver," Oliver's subconscious told him. Oliver nodded knowing his subconscious was right- leaving Susan baffled as to why he was nodding. "Okay, I'll tell you- you're all bound to find out anyway. I'm seeing-"

"Susan!" Steve ran into the kitchen holding his mobile.

Exasperated, Susan tried not to show her irritation at Steve's (seemingly cued) timing. "Yes, Dear?"

"I've just got off the phone with Patrick. He's nearly here. Given his terribly awful sense of timing, I asked him what he meant by that he said he'll be here soon. When I asked him what he meant by that he just asked that we be ready because he and Sally have something special planned."

"Fantastic!" Susan seemed to have forgotten all about Oliver and hurried out of the kitchen. Oliver sighed to himself thinking he had dodged that one…or at least until Susan popped back into the kitchen to say, "We'll continue this conversation later."

Suffice to say Oliver Morris' life could be summed up with poor timing and rotten luck.

Oliver quickly finished decorating the cake and went over to where Jeff seemed to be waiting for him with a balloon. "What's the balloon for mate?"

Jeff giggled. "Oh, you'll know."

"You're not going to inhale helium to make your voice higher are you?"

"It'd be more fun if you did it with me."

"You just don't want to be the only one to get in trouble."

Jeff waved a second balloon in Oliver's face. "You know you want to."

"Yeah, I do but," he took the deflated balloon from Jeff, "you do realize the balloons supposed to be inflated in order to do that?"

"Oh! You know, that makes better sense now."

"Okay," Susan finished making a few decoration adjustments before opening the apartment door, "now, we're ready."

Jane looked at the open doorway. "I'm confused."

"No surprise there."

"Why is the door open? Isn't this supposed to be a surprise?"

"No, they already know about this."

"Well that's no fun now, is it?"

There was a faint ding heard outside. "The lift stopped; maybe it's them." Susan faced the open door with complete excitement as approaching footsteps were heard. Her excitement soon faded when she learned the footsteps belonged to a deliveryman who was carrying a large, wrapped parcel.

"Surprise!" Jane enthusiastically greeted.

Susan gave her a quick glare before turning to the deliveryman. "Can we help you?"

"Yes," the deliveryman looked at his clipboard, "I have a delivery for Patrick and Sally Maitland." He thrusted the package at Steve and the clipboard at Susan. "Sign on the dotted line next to the 'X'."

"Sorry, but Patrick and Sally Maitland aren't here at the moment."

"Yeah, I really don't care; just sign for the thing."

"You'd trust a complete stranger to sign for a parcel that doesn't belong to them? What if it doesn't go to the intended recipient?"

"Again, I really don't care. I'm just doing my job and caring isn't exactly in my job description. This is the address, you seem to know the people, now would you just sign the clipboard so I can go home?"

"Yes, but-"

"Come on Blondie, I haven't got all day."

"Rude," Susan commented as she signed the clipboard.

The deliveryman noticed the banner. "So it's not a boy then?"

She threw the clipboard at him. "Piss off!" Susan slammed the door in his face.

"Somebody's on the rag," the deliveryman grumbled as he headed for the elevator.

Inside, Jane seemed somewhat offended by Susan. "That was rather cruel wasn't it?"

Susan leaned against the door. "Guess I just lost my head for a minute there. Steve, could you go put that with the other gifts." Steve nodded and carried the present into the living room. "In my defense, that man was being an ass first."

"Weren't you going to leave the door open for Patrick and Sally? Steve told us that Patrick said he's nearly here."

"Yes, but that doesn't clarify how near exactly. And Patrick doesn't really have a good sense of time. A 'nearly here' coming from Patrick could mean twenty minutes away for all we know. He'll probably get here in about five minutes or so and I'll open the door then." There was then some knocking on said door. Susan let out an irritated groan, "Oh, what does he want now?"

"How do you know it's the deliveryman? It might be Patrick."

"Why would Patrick knock on his own door?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Trust me Jane, the person on the other side of the door isn't Patrick."

"Is it Sally then?"

"It's neither of them!" When there was more knocking, Susan turned to the closed door. "Sod off!" Another knock followed. Susan growled as she opened the door. "Listen you wanker I've got a good mind to…" she stopped speechless when she saw the strange look on the face of the actual person at the other end of the door.

"No go ahead, finish your statement," Patrick allowed. "Good mind to what?"

"Surprise!" Jane proclaimed.

"Hello everyone."

Jane was the only one to wave back. "Hello Patrick! See Susan, it was Patrick knocking."

Jeff momentarily stopped blowing his balloon. "Patrick, hi! Could you give us like another second or two?" He resumed his previous task.

"Uh," Patrick gestured to the many bags he was carrying in both of his arms, "can I get a little help here?"

An embarrassed Susan helped take some bags from Patrick. "Yeah, sure. Sorry about that, Patrick. I thought you were someone else."

"Eh, don't worry about it. Could you just answer the door next time anyone knocks?"

"I would ask why you didn't just open it yourself but judging by all that junk you're carrying I can see why."

"I always need someone else to open the door when I volunteer to carry anything for Sally." Steve came into view and also helped unload some bags. "Thanks mate."

"Patrick, where exactly is Sally? And please tell me that she has the baby with her."

"Of course she's got the baby with her! I'm not so stupid that I forget my own wife and child."

"Well sorry for jumping to conclusions but I had to ask because I don't see your wife and child."

"They're right outside the flat waiting to make an entrance."

"You promised a proper announcement!" Sally called to him.

"And I told you I would do it once I got everything else inside. Can you wait a tick?" Patrick, Steve, and Susan finished bringing the bags inside. Once that was accomplished, Patrick stood beside the open door. "Okay, now everything is inside."

"We're ready when you are."

Clearing his throat, Patrick turned to the audience of five. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome home Miss Ellie Harper Maitland." Sally was all smiles as she entered the apartment carrying her precious cargo in its infant seat. No sooner had Sally stepped inside did Susan and Jane swoon and start to fawn over the newborn (which secretly pleased Sally a great deal). Patrick hadn't even had the time to move before Jane and Susan hurried over to the door inadvertently blocking him. "Hey, hey, hey some people would like to get into their flat at some point today." Susan and Jane couldn't help but chuckle as they backed away enough for everyone to enter the apartment.

"Welcome home guys," Steve properly greeted the new family.

"Thank you Steve," Sally thanked.

Jeff and Oliver's greeting was the two of them shouting, "Welcome home!" in high-pitched voices (the effect of sucking helium) much to Patrick's amusement.

"Really guys?" Steve questioned.

"It was Jeff's idea," Oliver's voice was still squeaky.

"Tattletale," squeaky voiced Jeff retorted back before the two of them burst into a laughing fit.

Steve disapprovingly shook his head. "I should have realized something like this would happen when we try to do something nice for other people."

"Well I thought it was funny," Patrick complimented Jeff and Oliver.

"Thanks Patrick," Jeff's normal voice was noticeably starting to come back. He was about to inhale more helium, but Steve prevented that by taking away the balloons. "Aw come on Frankensteve don't be a party pooper."

"Frankensteve," Patrick laughed as he pointed to his own forehead, "because of the…" when he pointed to Steve's forehead, he couldn't form a complete sentence; so he kept laughing. "Frankensteve."

"So Susan," this time Sally was the one instigating the subject change as she stepped further into the flat (with Patrick close behind trying to act as though he wasn't following her), "who did you think Patrick was?"

"Some apathetic delivery guy who showed up just before you did," Susan explained. "Dropped off a gift and made me sign for it."

"Was it that angry looking bloke who got onto the elevator after we got off?" Patrick described to Sally.

Sally thought about it. "It might've been; he was in uniform. He seemed very cross and he kept muttering about how he didn't really give a certain four letter word I would prefer not to repeat in front of my child."

"He also mumbled something a blonde bitch." Sally hit Patrick in the shoulder. "What? At least I didn't say fuck." She hit him again, only this time she smacked him harder. "Dammit Sally that hurt." This time, he side stepped to avoid another hit. "Okay, sorry I get the point." Patrick turned to Susan. "So was that the guy you were talking about?"

"That was probably him," Susan deduced.

"Oh I get it!" Jane suddenly realized. "Susan, you're the blonde bitch!"

"Yes, thank you Jane I'm certain we all got that."

Sally couldn't help but chuckle as she carefully set the carrier on the coffee table. "Bitter deliveryman aside, I am so glad to be home. Thanks again for the party Susan, this was a lovely gesture."

"Hey!" Jane objected to not being mentioned. "I picked the decorations."

"I had a feeling you did when I saw the banner; very creative choice there."

"Why thank you Sally. It was either my banner or Jeff's banner; but seeing how Jeff misspelled Ellie's name mine seemed like an obvious choice."

Sally turned to a now nervous looking Jeff. "You spelled my daughter's name wrong?"

The obviously frightened Welshman hid behind Oliver. "Please don't hurt me."

"Or me," Oliver added as he stepped aside.

Sally sighed. "Relax, I'm not angry."

Jeff cautiously stepped forward. "You're not?"

"No."

"So you're not going to yell at me?"

"I'm sorry if I came off so cross, but how can you misspell a five letter name?" Sally didn't notice Patrick counting on his fingers. "E-L-L-I-E, that's five letters." She also didn't see Patrick hold up three fingers and mouth the words, 'Technically three letters'. "What, did you think her name ended in L-Y?"

A guilty Jeff hung his head down in shame. "Yes."

"It's okay Jeff, I'm not mad. It's just an honest mistake."

"But even I know Ellie's name ends in I-E," Jane noted. "That's probably one of the reasons I'm godmother." Susan couldn't help but roll her eyes at that. "Okay so, you brought the baby home, now what?"

All eyes turned to the hostess for this homecoming. "Well…" Susan blew out a breath unaware of what to do or say.

"Might as well see what the deliveryman brought," Steve suggested.

Jane applauded. "Ooh, present opening time!"

As Susan went over to the gift table, the phone started to ring. "Might as well get it while I'm up," she answered the phone. "Hello…hang on," she passed the phone to Patrick. "It's some guy named Ben asking for you."

"Probably Ben from the garage calling about the car," Patrick put the phone to his ear. "Hello Ben, what's the damage?" He listened for a moment or two before lowering the phone. "You guys start the present thing without me; I'm gonna take this in the kitchen," he put the phone back to his ear and started walking toward the kitchen. "Yeah I'm still here you cheap crook."

Jane began to think. "Ben from the garage?" She turned to Sally. "Was Ben that cute mechanic who towed the car?"

"Another one of Patrick's many mysterious acquaintances," Sally explained. "Patrick told me if we ever needed anything car wise go to this Ben guy. God, it's like every time Patrick says he knows a guy he actually knows a guy."

"Like that guy who got you the hall for your wedding for free that Patrick 'knew'?" Susan inverted the word 'knew'.

"Exactly."

"How exactly does he know these guys?" Jeff put emphasis on 'know'. "It isn't like…like sexual is it?"

"It probably is when he knows a girl," Oliver jested back. "I can't ever picture Patrick with another guy in that way."

"Me neither- and I had to pretend to be Patrick's boyfriend."

"I'm not really sure how to respond to that."

Jane had a response to that, however. "You were Patrick's boyfriend before you were mine? Really Jeffrey!"

Jeff gave her a surprised look. "I'm officially your boyfriend?"

"Well now I'm going to have to give that some thought after that little bombshell."

"Anyway," sensible Susan to the subject changing rescue, "does anyone want Sally to open their gift first?"

"Nope." (Oliver)

"Nah-uh." (Jeff)

"Don't care." (Steve)

"Open the new one first!" (Jane)

Susan turned to Sally. "Any present preference?"

"Open the new one first!"

Sally shrugged. "I suppose I should open the new one first." Susan chose the recently delivered present and carried it over to Sally. "Who's it from?"

"Dunno," Susan looked for a tag, "it's addressed to Miss Ellie Harper Maitland."

"Ooh, fancy," Jeff commented.

"But it doesn't say who it's from."

"Ooh, mysterious."

"Is the commentary really necessary Jeff?" Steve questioned with his arms folded.

"Would it be more necessary if our voices were squeakier?"

"No, only more irritating," Steve uncrossed his arms and started toward the kitchen, "I think I'll go check on Patrick; see if he needs anything."

Sally waited until Steve was out of the room before talking behind his back. "Steve does seem a bit moodier today. Is it his time of the month or something?" Sally and Jane both snickered at that.

"Ha, ha," Susan didn't find it as funny as evident with the sarcastic laugh. "He's probably just tired. I don't think he's slept in at least a day. I have no idea what he did the night before our wedding, the night of our wedding he was stuck in the hospital, when he got home he tried to write, when I came home we consummated our marriage, and afterwards he tried to sleep but couldn't."

"Why not?"

"How long did this consummation last exactly?" Jeff inquired. "And why did it last however long it did? Don't skip on details." Susan shot Jeff her infamous stare and Jeff backed away slowly. "I'll be good now."

She continued on. "Steve said he had so many ideas so he went back to writing. Next thing he knew it was time to come here. I told him he could stay home with Josh but he said he'd come here."

"Yeah that's all fine and boring, but can we please open the mystery present now?" Jane begged.

Meanwhile, Steve had met up with Patrick in the kitchen just as Patrick got off the phone. "Steve, just the person I wanted to ask for a favor," Patrick greeted him.

"Whatever it is, no," Steve was adamant on not doing any favors as he helped himself to a drink.

"It involves leaving my flat."

This got Steve's attention. "Oh? What do you want me to do?"

Patrick's reply was quickly cut off by a bloodcurdling scream in the living room. "Sally!" As he ran into the living room, a terrified Sally ran into his arms. "Sally, what's wrong?" Without looking, Sally pointed to the cause of her terror: a giant, stuffed giraffe. "Oh come on Sally, it's already dead!"

Susan found a note attached to one of the giraffe's front hooves and read it aloud. "To my precious granddaughter, I can't wait to meet you, love Grandma Gloria. I uh…" Susan struggled for a second with her phrasing, "…I think it's safe to say that this gift is from Sally's mother."

"Get rid of it!" Sally demanded.

Oliver raised his hand. "Can I have it?"

"Why do you want it?" Susan questioned.

"I'm dropping by to see Tamsin tomorrow, I'll see if Fiona wants it," Fiona was Tamsin's daughter. "If not, I'll try selling it. I mean, that's a giant, stuffed Geoffrey the Giraffe it's gotta sell for something."

"Geoffrey the Giraffe?"

"The Toys 'R Us mascot. Little kids love stuffed animals; especially when they're identifiable characters, you know."

"I knew the giraffe looked familiar!" Jeff noted.

"Just get rid of it!" Sally ordered.

Oliver shrugged. "Okay, dibs on the giraffe," he picked up the stuffed animal. "I'll go put it in my car."

"Thank you," Sally waited until Oliver was gone to back off of Patrick. "I should have known that was from my mother; she always sends me spiteful gifts."

Susan peered at the baby. "I'm surprised you're screaming didn't get Ellie upset. One time Steve screamed exactly like you did and he made Josh cry for a half an hour at least. And when I say exactly like you, I do mean like a girl."

Jane also stared at her goddaughter. "Aww, the poor little thing looks like she's trying to stay awake." Both she and Susan let out a lengthy "aww" when Ellie yawned.

"I think I'll put her down for a nap," Sally suggested.

"I'll take care of it," Patrick picked up the carrier. "You got to carry her for nine months, now it's my turn." This not only made Susan and Jane swoon, but Jeff as well.

"Are you sure you can do it?"

"Of course I can. Go on and rest for a while; I'll take care of everything," Patrick assured as he carried his daughter into the bedroom.

"Is it me or has Patrick gotten sexier?" Susan's inquiry garnered nods from Sally, Jane, and (oddly enough) Jeff.

"Hey, how come the baby's not sleeping in her nursery?" Jane inquired.

"It's easier in the first few months if a new baby sleeps in their parent's room. Steve and I did the same thing with Josh."

Sally nodded in agreement. "We've got a bassinet in there by our bed where Ellie can sleep for the next couple of months. Everything else is in the nursery though. I'm sorry," Sally started to veer off topic, "but did Steve really scream like a terrified girl?"

Susan chuckled. "Oh yeah."

"Our Steve?"

"Did someone sneak up behind him?" Jane asked. "I find that's one of the reasons why he screams like that."

"What's the other reason?"

"Rats," Jane, Susan, and Jeff answered in sync.

"And yes Jane, someone snuck up behind him," Susan answered Jane's previous inquiry. "The first few times he screamed like that it was funny but it got annoying after a while so I stopped intentionally sneaking up on him. And, even though he's afraid of them, I've never seen him scream at a caged rat; stiffen in panic and quickly move away, yes, but never scream. I don't think I've ever seen him come in contact with a rat that wasn't caged."

"But if he's come in contact with a caged rat, why didn't he scream then?" Sally inquired.

"Steve can control his fear of rats so long as they're contained. God knows what would happen if he found one running loose."

"I'm pretty sure that's why he avoids going into sewers," Jane remarked.

"I'm pretty sure that's just one of many reasons why he avoids going into sewers."

This conversation was interrupted by Patrick quietly closing his bedroom door and joining the group. "Check it out," he passed his phone to Susan, "I'm gonna be one of those annoying fathers who just have to show people pictures of their kid." Jane stood over Susan's shoulder and the two of them swooned as they viewed the picture on Patrick's camera-phone. "Thought I'd take a pic before she fell completely asleep so it wouldn't bother her or anything."

"Oh, she's so adorable," Susan commented.

"It helps that Sally and I are good-looking people." Sally nodded in agreement.

"Right," Susan handed the phone to Jane so that Jane could show Jeff, "so are you two going to get some sleep too or-"

"Can't; gotta go pick up my car from the garage," this was also in reference to a different accident that Jane had brought up/caused. "I figured Steve could drop me off and I could drive it home."

"And you're going now?" Sally questioned.

"Well, if Richard's still going to buy the car I have to give it to him before he leaves town tomorrow night."

"So why can't you pick it up tomorrow?"

"Ben won't be in tomorrow."

"So?"

"So Ben usually knocks a couple hundred bucks off for me; without him there I'd pay full price. I'm not missing much if I stay here am I?"

"No, I suppose not."

"You can open presents without me now that we dealt with your mother's gift."

"Even yours?" Jane's query wasn't quite clear to Patrick.

"Sorry?"

"Should we open your present while you're gone or wait until you get back?" Susan clarified.

"My present?"

"Maybe he already gave it to Sally," Jeff suggested.

Susan pointed her finger in agreement. "It is a possibility; push presents are often the first presents a new mother gets."

Patrick twisted his face in confusion. "What presents?"

"Push presents: it's when a new father gives the mother of his child a gift with special meaning. You know a 'thanks for giving to birth my child have this' whatever he gets her."

"They're called push presents? Huh," Jeff cocked his head and shrugged, "I always called 'em…oh wait, that's a totally different thing entirely, never mind."

Jane tapped her fingers atop Jeff's head. "What goes on in that disturbed little mind of yours Jeffrey?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Later," she seductively whispered back.

"What? Seriously?"

"So Patrick," leave it to Susan to get everyone back on focus, "should we wait until you come back to give Sally your gift? Unless of course you already gave it to her."

"Definitely wait!" Patrick didn't hesitate to answer.

"I take it you didn't get Sally a gift?"

"Yes I did. It just…it just needs to be picked up." Patrick ran out of the room and into the kitchen where Steve was helping himself to a pot of freshly brewed coffee. "Steve!"

"That didn't take as long as I thought it would," Steve poured the coffee into a pink mug with Sally's name on it. "Everything okay?"

"I need you to do me a favor."

"We've already established you need a favor and that said favor involves me leaving your flat. What do I have to do?"

"I need you to drive me to the garage to pick up my car."

"Okay."

"And then we need to go shopping."

"For what?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? Why don't you know what you want to go shopping for?"

"I'm gonna level with you: I didn't get know I had to get Sally a present; but I just told everyone that I did, and that I'd be going to pick it up."

Steve gasped. "You didn't get Sally a push present?"

"Oh come on! Even you know about that?"

"Every first-time father knows about that."

"I didn't!"

"Okay almost every first-time father," Steve took a sip of coffee before setting it on the counter. "Don't worry, we'll find something while we're out."

"Yeah, something with meaning apparently. So I don't think I should get whatever I usually get her."

"What do you usually get her?"

"Whatever she tells me to."

"Uh-huh," Steve gave Patrick a strange look before heading to the living room. "Susan, I'm taking Patrick to pick up his car and Sally's present. Do you need anything?"

"No, thank you Dear," Susan gave Steve a goodbye hug and kiss. "Bye."

"Bye."

"Steve!" Jeff called after his friend. "Take me with you!"

"Why?"

"I just feel like going on a road trip with the boys," he leaned in close to whisper, "and I've got some personal questions I need to ask."

"Like what?"

"Like…things…" Steve stared down at him, "things about..." he gestured to the group of women in the living room, "…people…" another stare-down from Steve, "people I'm currently having sex with."

"Fine, whatever, let's just go." Steve searched his pockets as he stepped into the hall where Patrick was waiting. "Oh damn, Susan's got the keys."

"Here," Patrick tossed Steve the keys to his other car, "you can take my car."

"You'd let me drive your car?"

"I trust you."

"You do?"

"You can drive my car as long as I'm riding with you or if you're not Jane."

"Yeah, okay, good point," Steve literally shrugged this off as the three men left the apartment and headed for the elevator where they coincidentally bumped into, "Oliver?"

"You guys goin' somewhere?" Oliver questioned. "Leavin' me here alone to party with all the girls. Yeah, yeah that's cool and...what not."

Steve sighed. "You can join us if you'd like."

"Oh, thank you!"

…

Sally sat on the sofa picking at her nails and Susan came out of the bedroom. "Still asleep."

"Are you sure?" Sally questioned uncertainly.

"Sally, you're being paranoid. The baby's fine, she's just sleeping."

"It's too quiet. It's not supposed to be this quiet," Sally immediately rose from her seat. "I think I'm gonna-"

Susan prevented her from going any farther. "Sally, everything's fine, just relax." She sat Sally back down on the sofa.

"Babies do sleep you know," Jane said while going through the wrapped gifts for the third time. "Alright, this is the third time I've looked and Patrick's gift isn't in here."

"I figured he'd forgotten."

"You know I didn't appreciate you pressuring him like that," Sally told them. "I figured he didn't get me anything and honestly, I didn't expect him to. I know how much he loves me; Patrick doesn't have to get me anything."

"Should we call and tell him that?"

"I said he doesn't have to- that doesn't mean he shouldn't."

"Sally!"

Sally shifted in her seat as if she was guilty. "I still like getting gifts."

Susan made a noise of agreement as she sat beside Sally. "I am curious to see what Patrick would get you."

"You know, he's never once gotten me anything I didn't like. Everything he's ever gotten me is everything I've asked for; he has never surprised me."

"What about the night he told you he loved you? Wasn't that a surprise?"

"Yes, but he didn't get me anything of value."

"He gave you his love."

"Ugh, you make it sound so cheesy," Jane commented with her face scrunched in disgust. "Plus you made Sally sound so materialistic."

"Sally is materialistic."

"You know Sally is right here," Sally acknowledged her presence. "And I can't say that I'm not offended by that remark."

"Don't deny it: you know you're materialistic."

"But you don't have to point out my flaws. I'm not totally materialistic."

"I didn't say you were."

"There's nothing wrong with wanting nice things."

"I didn't say there was."

"I think I'm gonna go-"

Knowing where this was headed, Susan pulled Sally back down onto the sofa. "Sally, she's fine, trust me."

Sally turned to Jane. "Jane, could you just go in and-"

"Sally!"

"Don't be cross Susan," Jane chided. "I'm sure it's not that Sally doesn't trust you; she just wants to double check and make sure her baby's sleeping and not missing or dead."

Susan pointed to Jane as Jane went into the bedroom. "Just remember that is your choice in godmother."

"Just remember you got married in a Brighton jail," Sally argued back. "Without me, your wedding planner and maid of honor there; and that all happened when I went into labor I may add."

"Okay, you win that one." Susan and Sally turned their heads toward the bedroom when they heard a peculiar sound. The following sight was Jane wheeling out the bassinet into the living room. "Jane?"

Jane stopped the bassinet in front of the couch. "See Sally, she's sleeping." Jane proudly smiled at Sally. "I'd figured you'd still be uncertain so I brought proof."

"You know, that's actually a well thought out idea; one coming from Jane Christie of all people. This way you'll know Ellie's fine and we'll all be right here when she wakes up." Jane joined the women on the sofa and together they stared at the infant. "I don't know why it is, but newborn babies are just so adorable to look at."

"My boyfriend picked the blanket," Jane gestured to the small Winnie the Pooh blanket that covered Ellie's tiny body. "It's much cuter than those free ones the hospital just gives out. It's like they're saying, 'congratulations on your new baby, have an ugly blanket' No wonder hospitals keep giving them away."

Sally smiled smugly at Susan. "See Susan, I'm not the only one who thinks that those blankets are hideous." She quickly turned to Jane after a quick realization. "Did you say boyfriend? Is this your way of officially confirming Jeff is your boyfriend?"

"Nope!"

"Are you talking about someone besides Jeff?"

"Nope!"

"Then-"

"Best not to ask," Susan interrupted. "And hang on; Jeff, hopefully, wasn't at the all girl's baby shower so his present- if he even got one- is on the table."

"So?"

"So he couldn't have picked out that blanket."

"Well he didn't buy it or anything like that," Jane started to elaborate. "Remember Susan when you moved the bassinet into their bedroom right before we started setting up for the party you asked me and Jeff to stop snogging, make ourselves useful, and choose a blanket for the bassinet. Jeff picked that one."

"The blanket was from Gracie and Charlie, Patrick's niece and nephew" Sally explained. "When Rose took Charlie and Gracie shopping for presents they threw a temper tantrum about what Rose wanted to buy and asked if they could pick something else. So they chose Winnie the Pooh bedding, and their mother bought tacky clothes as I expected."

Susan raised an eyebrow. "You automatically assumed Patrick's sister would buy tacky clothes?"

"Obviously. For one thing, she still doesn't like me very much. Plus, have you seen her wardrobe choices; Patrick's too for that matter. It's like all Maitlands have little to no fashion sense. And not only does Rose have a hideously awful sense of fashion, but all that woman buys for people are ugly clothes. I can't have my child wear ugly clothes!"

"So what did you do with the outfits Rose got you?"

"I was originally going to burn them, but one of my frequent customers at the salon just had a baby a few months ago and I generously offered to donate all the clothes from Rose to her."

"Sally!"

"Ten to one half of those clothes were also hand-me-downs. I will not be associated with hand-me-downs Susan, you know that."

Jane giggled. "Clothes from Rose, that rhymed…until you added the 'to her' part at the end."

Sally seemed to ignore her. "I will say that Patrick's soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law has an impeccable fashion sense and he does make attempts to pick good outfits for his children."

"Soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law? Ooh, details!"

"Okay, but first I've got to give a bit of background on things I've learned about the Maitlands. One, once they set their mind to something, they tend not to give anything a second thought or think things through more carefully. Two, they are terrible at choosing names for anything."

"Is that why Patrick is named after his grandmother?"

"Probably; though you could argue they named him after his grandmother Patricia because they named his sister after the other one and they thought it would be fair to do the same with Patrick."

"So why didn't they name him after one of his grandfathers?"

"Because everyone was convinced Patrick was going to be a girl and they told everyone the baby was going to be named after his maternal grandmother. Patrick's parents followed through on that promise without thinking they could name him after one of his grandfathers- thus summing up the first two things I've learned about the Maitlands."

Jane chuckled at that. "So what's the third thing you learned about Patrick's family?"

"That they absolutely, definitely, try as they may, cannot keep secrets; which brings me to the soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law part."

"Does this soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law have a name?" Susan inquired.

"Of course he does. Anyway," Sally continued with her story, "at the shower during one of my many toilet breaks, Rose is in front of the mirror touching up her makeup and Gracie's also in there with her for whatever reason and Gracie asks Rose if she can wear her lipstick. Rose says no and then Gracie argues back with 'Daddy wears your lipstick'."

"No!" Jane was more than fascinated with this gossip.

"Rose gets upset and tells Gracie not to talk about her father because that day was all about Aunt Sally and Aunt Sally didn't need to get upset knowing something like that- though I still think Rose didn't want to tell me because of her not liking me and what not. Naturally, I had to know. Later, I corner Gracie and I bribed her into telling me what I wanted to know. It is surprisingly easy to bribe children; they'll like you if you give them money for no special reason."

"So, what did Gracie tell you?"

Sally slyly smiled. "She told me that 'Daddy left Mommy for another man'."

"No!"

"But you ladies aren't supposed to know about this. The only ones who know about this are Rose, her kids, her soon-to-be-ex-husband, his lover, and whoever else the kids might have blabbed to."

"Patrick's soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law is gay?"

"He hasn't officially come out, but all the signs are there- which, thinking about it, would explain his impeccable fashion sense."

Susan clapped her hands together. "Enough of this idle gossip we're supposed to be having a party. What sort of party thing should we do to pass the time?" Susan got no response. "Really? Nothing? You just want to sit here and talk about people behind their backs?"

"Yes," both Sally and Jane responded to that question.

"It wouldn't be much a party if people didn't smack talk each other now would it?" Jane noted. Sally then tapped her nose with her right index finger and pointed to Jane with the left index finger just as the guys often did. "Is that when you're supposed to use that gesture?"

"It apparently means 'you've got it' or something similar to that," Sally explained.

Jane shrugged. "Go figure."

"This is getting ridiculous," Susan lamented as she stood up.

"Where are you going?" Sally questioned.

"If I'm going to sit here and listen to you two gossip I might as well indulge myself; I'm getting some cake."

Jane nearly leapt out of her seat. "Ooh, that sounds yummy! But I want to pick my own piece; I'm sick of you cutting cake into these really tiny pieces."

"They are not tiny! I cut equal pieces to make sure everyone gets a slice of cake."

"Yeah, yeah, sharing and all that boring crap. I still want a decent sized piece of cake," Jane hurried into the kitchen.

Susan turned to Sally. "You want a piece while we're out there?"

"No, I'm fine," Sally declined. She watched Susan head for the kitchen and inched closer to the sleeping infant in the bassinet.

"Sally," Sally knew it was too easy, "do not disturb that baby."

"Really Susan, I was just going to-"

"Sally, you never disturb a sleeping baby. Take it from someone who knows what they're talking about."

"But she's too quiet!"

"She's fine, she's sleeping, let her be." Sally huffed as she sat back on the couch with now folded arms. "God help us all if that little girl inherits your stubbornness."

"Oh, go eat your tiny cake." Sally turned her head in defiance.

"But for our sake I hope she inherits her father's personality," Susan turned toward the kitchen while grumbling about how her cake slices were not tiny.

Sally looked back to make sure Susan wasn't in view. "Why am I even listening to Susan; it's not like this is her baby," a thought occurred in Sally's head. "It's not her baby, it's mine! I have total power over another person's life and it's perfectly acceptable for me to use that power because I gave birth to that person! So I can do whatever I want when it involves said person." Sally leaned over the bassinet and gently shook the baby until she started to stir. "Hello, Darling," Sally softly greeted her daughter. She then made sure the coast was clear before carefully picking the baby up. Instantly, Ellie started screaming. "Oh no, no it's okay Darling, don't cry. Ssh, it's alright, Mummy's here," this only made the baby scream louder.

Susan hurried back into the room. "Oh for Chrissakes!"

Jane had also made her way toward the scene. "Oh good, the baby's up; should I get her some cake?" Susan turned to Jane with an annoyed look on her face. "Well babies cry when they're hungry don't they?"

…

Patrick made his way into the waiting area at the garage after a conversation with Ben. "It's gonna be another twenty minutes," he informed the guys. "And it's going to cost more than I anticipated."

"Are you going to have enough for Sally's present?" Steve inquired.

"I'm sure I can find something of value for ten pounds or less. Of course, if I have some friends who are generous enough to contribute funds…" the blank stares on their faces said it all. "So…that's a maybe?"

"I thought you said this Ben guy takes off a hundred for repairs for you," Oliver reminded.

"He did."

"But Jane hit two parked cars; how much damage could she do?"

"It's Jane!" Patrick, Steve, and Jeff unanimously chorused.

"Yeah, okay, good point."

Patrick went on. "I mean yeah obviously she damaged both ends of the car, but she also damaged the gas and brake pedals by slamming down on them. I had to pay to fix those. If I'm gonna sell the car I want it to look nice so I paid to fix any dents or paint scratches. And I had to replace the floor mat due to Sally's…sprayage." The others shuddered at the thought of the mechanics having to touch the floor stained with Sally's amniotic fluids. "What am I going to do now?"

"Now you should just admit you didn't get Sally a push present," Steve stated.

Oliver's jaw dropped. "You didn't get Sally a push present!"

Patrick did a double take. "You know about those too? You're not even a father!"

"Every guy knows about push presents!" Patrick groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Why don't you take some money out of the bank?"

"I don't think I'd get to my bank before it closes."

"You're not gonna find something meaningful on your budget; at least not for Sally anyway."

"Yeah, I know."

"Maybe we can go out and make some money," Jeff suggested. "Maybe we can donate blood, or sperm, or sell an organ to science. We only need one kidney right?"

"Really Jeff?" Steve chided his friend.

"So long as he gets the money today, right?"

"Perhaps you might suggest something that doesn't require any loss of body parts or fluids?"

"What about karaoke?" Oliver's question seemed sort of random.

"Karaoke?"

"Yeah."

"And that will help us get money how?"

"Right, you probably want an explanation."

"That would be helpful."

"I passed this place on Stadler Street and they advertise karaoke contests every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at five, eight, and eleven. First prize is a hundred pounds, second is fifty, and third is twenty-five."

"Have you ever been to this bar?"

"No; but would it really hurt to check it out if we could win money? The least you could win is twenty-five."

"Who does karaoke at five o'clock on a Monday?"

"It gives us a good chance of winning if we go," Jeff uttered loud enough for them to hear. "Besides, you owe Patrick, remember?"

While Steve feverishly shook his head, Patrick pricked his head up. "Steve owes me?"

"Yeah," it was as if Jeff didn't understand Steve was trying to get him to stop talking. "He promised if you sang at his jail wedding he would sing for you time anytime you asked no matter how stupid the song choice was," he turned to Steve. "Did you forget about that too Steve?"

Patrick moved closer to Steve. "Steve, remember that favor you owe me?"

…

Meanwhile back at the flat, the women were nowhere near calming down Sally's wailing child. Sally stood frantically swaying the screaming baby back and forth as Susan and Jane searched through different child care books.

"Have you tried feeding her?" Susan (loudly) questioned.

"Yes!" Sally practically yelled back.

"What about changing her?" Jane inquired.

"Yes!"

"Here's one," Susan put her finger on the page in her book and pretended to read, "go back in time and listen to Susan!"

Jane set her book down and leaned closer to look at Susan's book. "Does it really say that?"

"No, it doesn't really say that!" Susan and Jane went back to actually reading. "Oh, I don't think we've tried this: hold the infant close to your body and swing her rapidly from side to side."

"Is that honestly going to work?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"You already have a baby; you should know what to do."

"Yes, but my child didn't continuously cry for over an hour and a half! This suggestion may very well be our last resort."

"We must be desperate," Jane commented.

Sally finished adjusting the crying infant in her arms and began carefully swinging her daughter rapidly back and forth. And apparently, this method was working. "Oh my God! I think it worked!" A retched sound emitted from Ellie.

"I think she threw up."

And now Ellie was crying again. Pretty soon, her mother was too. "We have tried everything and it won't stop crying!"

"She, Sal," Susan corrected, "it's a she."

"I'm not sure she's even human!"

…

"There!" Oliver's pointing nearly obstructed Steve's driving.

Steve pushed the finger away and took notice of the location and chuckled. "No way!" He pulled into the parking lot with Patrick (and Jeff) pulling in behind them. "I can't believe it!"

Jeff was the first to exit Patrick's now fixed car. He surveyed their location. "Bruce's Bar and Grill? Sounds kinda familiar."

Patrick met up with the rest of the guys. "Looks pretty new though."

"They opened it early last year," Oliver informed. "Have you ever been here?"

"I didn't even know this place existed," Steve was looked at Jeff and Patrick. "It's rather coincidental don't you think?"

"What?" both Jeff and Patrick didn't understand but Jeff was the only one to verbally ask.

"Remember a few years back the night Susan and I broke up?"

Oliver gasped at this. "You and Susan broke up?"

"Sorry Oliver, but this is a thing between me, Patrick, and Jeff thing."

"Oh," Oliver seemed stung. "That's cool. I'll just be standing here awkwardly being quiet. This is me standing here…about to be quiet…not understanding the inside joke."

"Right, so do you two remember that?" Patrick and Jeff nodded. "Remember how earlier I mentioned I gave my number to that girl at the bar and I thought she was gonna call?" Another set of nods. "And when we thought she called I answered the phone as an Australian at a bar called…"

"Bruce's Bar and Grill," the three of them finished.

Jeff chortled. "And you said it was on Stadler Street near Susan's."

"You're the one who said it was near Susan's." Steve surveyed the surroundings. "And her old apartment isn't too far from here on the other side of the street."

"Spooky."

"It is kinda eerie," Patrick agreed.

"Be ever weirder if it was run by Dick Darlington," Steve's remark garnered laughs from Jeff and Patrick. Pretty soon Oliver joined in with an awkward laugh.

Once the collective laughs stopped, Patrick was the first to instigate conversation. "How come we never heard of this place? It's our fake real bar on Stadler Street near Susan's and this is the first time we've heard of it."

"Plus it's got food and karaoke," Jeff added. "It's too good to be true!"

"There's gotta be a catch," Steve noted.

"Maybe their karaoke options suck."

"Maybe the fact they actually have karaoke sucks," Patrick commented. Jeff gasped at that. "You might fancy people singing horribly into a microphone while a machine feeds them lyrics, but I'm not a fan."

The four of them entered the bar and grill, which was surprisingly full for a Monday afternoon. "Nicely decorated," Jeff observed.

"So now what do we do?" Oliver asked.

"I guess we should sign up for the contest," Jeff suggested. "Make sure it's still on; pick the good songs before they're gone. Afterwards we can get some food and drinks."

Patrick squinted at one of the patrons. "Huh."

Steve took notice. "What?"

"That guy over there," Patrick pointed to a man at the bar, "he looks an awful lot like my brother-in-law."

"Is it?"

"Dunno; but if he is Rose shouldn't be too far away. She shouldn't be too hard to avoid."

"Why not?"

"As a woman she'd be easily spotted among a place packed with blokes."

"Yeah, I see a serious lack of female."

"There're a couple of girls over there," Jeff pointed to a pair of women having a conversation.

"I guess most of the girls don't show up til later," Oliver inferred.

Jeff shrugged this off as he noticed a table by the bar's mini-stage. "Yeah, later, sure. I'm gonna go pick a song."

"For Steve?"

"No, for me."

"Hey wait," Oliver chased after him, "can we duet?"

Lagging behind, Steve turned to Patrick. "Do I really have to do this?"

"You owe me," Patrick point blankly replied. Steve moaned. "Tell you what: if you win, you can keep half the winnings."

"How comforting," Steve lamented as they went over to the table. He let out an annoyed sigh as he browsed the options. "Awful lot of Madonna."

"She's a karaoke fave," Jeff replied back as he and Oliver browsed through the duets.

With another annoyed sigh, Steve went through the options. When he finished, he looked up with an indistinguishable expression. "It all makes sense now."

"What does?"

"This is a gay bar."

Patrick let out a noise of disbelief. "No it isn't."

"It obviously is! The nice decor, the lack of women, the karaoke options, the fact that this bar has karaoke! It's so obviously a gay bar."

"And grill," Jeff added.

"The side commentary is still unnecessary Jeff!"

Patrick thought about it. "I can see why you'd think that- and the two women making out over there certainly does prove your point." He trailed off as he watched that display.

"Patrick!"

"Right, sorry," he regained focus. "But if this was a gay bar then why would my brother-in-law, a man married to my female sister, be here?"

"You don't know if that's your brother-in-law or not?"

"Hey Patrick," Jeff was pointing a pen to the sign-up sheet, "wasn't this guy at your wedding?"

Patrick read over the name. "That's my brother-in-law!"

"He signed up to sing the Village People's Macho Man."

"That's a good song choice," Oliver commentated.

"Bu—bu-but he's married to my sister!" Patrick looked back and forth from the man at the bar to his friends in a state of shock. "He fathered my niece and nephew! He likes the same kind of music as me! He…he…he reads Shakespeare and actually understands it!"

"Is that the guy with the nice outfit and the ascot?"

All at once it dawned on Patrick. "Oh my God, my brother-in-law is gay."

"Did his choice in fashion give it away?" Steve couldn't help but jest.

"I thought he was just classy. His fashion sense should have been a clue; that and his 'man crush' on Freddie Mercury," he inverted 'man crush'. "Oh my God," he calmed himself a bit. "I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock to Rose."

"It's come as too much of a shock to you."

"I…" Patrick pointed to the bar, "…I'm gonna go talk to him; confirm it you know."

"Wait, I thought you were picking the song for me."

"Yeah, I gotta go…" he pointed to the guy at the bar struggling to find the words to say (but couldn't), "…yeah."

"Get some drinks while you're up there."

"Drinks…yeah…gonna need drinks," he stumbled to the bar in a daze.

"Well if this guy is Patrick's brother-in-law," Jeff began as he began writing his song choice, "he did pick a good- if not somewhat ironic- song."

Steve rubbed the back of his own neck. "I can't help but feel sorry for Patrick. Today's really not his day. He just brought his baby home from the hospital. It should be a pleasant day. Here he is at a gay bar trying to get money to get his wife a present and this potential bombshell about his obviously gay brother-in-law is dropped on him."

"Plus his wife is Sally," Jeff added. "Nothing against her personally," he quickly clarified, "but Sally's really materialistic and probably wants something expensive."

"She also stole his car, had Jane drive and then crash it, and sprayed amniotic fluid on the car floor," Oliver reminded. "The car that he's going to sell, I might add."

"In a way, he already spent a fortune on Sally already."

"The least you can do to make him feel better is honor a promise and sing karaoke. The faster we get this done the faster we can get him back to his daughter."

"Yeah, that might make him happy."

Steve took a deep breath. "I s'pose," he gave in, "but no Madonna!"

"Cher then?"

"If I have to do this I'd like to stick to a male vocalist," Steve went through the selections. "Elton John seems like the best option."

Oliver let out a small moan. "Elton John!" He turned to Jeff. "Why didn't we pick the duet with him?"

"Because we'd argue about who'd be Kiki Dee," Jeff answered back. "I'd rather be Elton."

"Yeah, me too."

"So what song did you two opt for anyway?" Steve questioned.

"Enough is Enough," Jeff replied back.

Steve stared at them dumbfounded. "The duet between Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer?"

"Yeah, and I'm Barbra!"

"Don't rub it in," Oliver grumbled.

Steve's looked a bit ashamed. "You both argued over singing a girl-girl duet? Two straight male friends- in a gay bar- arguing over who sings which female part in a two women song?"

"That is exactly how it sounds."

"Speaking of girls," Jeff started, "I wonder how our girls are doing back at the flat."

…

The exasperated women were at their wit's end at the still crying child. "Try feeding her again," Susan suggested to Sally while trying to keep cool.

"I already fed her," Sally bitterly replied back.

"I know, that's why I said AGAIN!" Susan snapped.

"Hey, hey," Jane tried to mediate, "we shouldn't turn on each other…unless that's what the baby wants," she tilted her head. "Maybe it is some sort of demon child."

"Demon child?"

"Yeah, like Rosemary's Baby, except cuter. I don't think any normal, human baby can cry this long."

"Not helping, Jane."

Sally placed the wailing newborn back in the bassinet and headed over to the stack of baby care books on the coffee table. Picking one up, she flipped through the pages, and threw it back down. "Yeah, and these books aren't helping either." She did the same with another book. "We have done everything in these books and she still won't shut up."

"Okay, maybe the answer's not in the book. Sometimes these books are for crap and you only learn by doing. We should try new things that aren't in books."

"Susan, are you trying to make me hit you in the face?"

"If you got some secret tricks you learned with Josh then share!" Jane demanded.

"Everything that worked on my son was in the books!" Susan bitterly replied back. "Hell, some of these suggestions worked on my husband." An idea popped into Susan's mind. "That's it!"

"What's it?" the other women questioned in unison.

"We've been going about this trying to find ways that babies go to sleep and nothing's working."

"Right," Sally nodded.

"So maybe we need to think of methods that other people we know use to get to sleep."

"At this point I'll try any stupid idea."

"You won't think it's stupid if it works. I know you, you want absolute silence when you go to bed and we're obviously not going to get that with a screaming baby," Susan bit on her fingers trying to think of something. When she had an idea, she took her fingers out of her mouth and snapped them. "How does Patrick fall asleep?"

"With Patrick you get him bored, get him drunk, or get him laid. Do all three and it's guaranteed to get him to sleep. He also sleeps after being knocked unconscious for whatever reason."

"I already knew those!"

"Don't people usually put rum on their fingers and have their baby suck on it?" Jane inquired.

"That's to numb the pain of teething. Steve's used that method against my best wishes, but it's very effective."

"Maybe Ellie's teething."

"She's not teething!"

"Forgive me for not being a baby expert, Mrs. Knowledgeable."

"What about you?" Sally's inquiry was both sudden and vague. "How do you go to sleep?"

Jane shrugged. "Usually after sex, but I don't think that idea is best suited for a baby."

"Obviously not."

"If I'm alone I just put on the telly to something that I know will bore me. I know we tried reading Ellie a story, but maybe putting on the telly will get her to go to sleep."

Susan sighed. "It's worth a shot. Try to put it on something boring like parliament or public access television."

"Or a black and white movie; the colors might be too distracting for the baby." Both Susan and Sally stopped and stared at her in astonishment.

"That's…that's actually a good idea."

"Yeah, and black and white movies are also old and boring; nobody watches them anymore since they invented color television."

"Let's just pretend that last remark didn't happen."

"How exactly are we going to get the baby to watch the TV?"

"Wow, another smart observation," Susan noted. "Who are you and what have you done with Jane Christie?"

"Just like you said, I observe. I notice little children have a hard time staying focused-"

"You have a hard time staying focused."

"Your tone was unnecessarily rude."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"Anyway, I don't think it would be a good idea to force her to watch telly."

"I never thought I'd say this but I agree with Jane. Ellie is hardly a day old, she's barely learned to keep her eyes opened."

"Of course I'm not going to make her watch television!" Sally adamantly professed. "I don't want her to become one of those television addicted children. I was going to put her in the bassinet, move the bassinet beside the television, and let the light and noise put her to sleep. That isn't forcing her to watch now is it?"

"Instead of forcing her not to watch television, shouldn't we try forcing her to stop crying?" Jane suggested in all honesty. This resulted in glares from Susan and Sally. Jane then began pouting like a child. "Oh, I just wanna go home."

"No one's forcing you to be here," Susan reminded.

Jane's eyes lit up. "So I can go?"

"No, if I have to suffer than so do you."

"Why should we suffer? It's not like it's our baby."

Susan thought about what she said. "Holy crap Jane, you're right," Susan reached for her handbag. "Let's go."

"What?" Sally started after them. "Wait! Where are you going?"

"Anywhere but here."

"Why?"

"We really have no reason to be here."

"Don't go! I can't do this alone!"

"Yes, you can."

"I have no idea what I'm doing!"

"You'll figure it out."

"Susan!"

"Sally, you'll be fine."

"You're gonna have to learn eventually," Jane added.

"Ooh, that's two smart comments in a row; that's a first," Susan was the first out of the door.

"If it's two, shouldn't it be a second?" Jane asked as she closed the door behind her.

…

"Hey," Steve greeted as Patrick came over to his table with drinks, "you were over there a while. How'd it go?"

Patrick sat down beside Steve. "I just had a chat with my brother-in-law."

"So that was him?"

Patrick nodded. "He and Rose are getting a divorce."

"Sorry to hear that."

"I was too, but now I'm cool with it."

"Now you're cool with it?"

"Yeah. For years, he's been living a lie and he's finally ready to come out. Rose is actually happy for him."

"Really?"

"She's always known he was gay. The only reason she married him is because he got her pregnant after a drunken one night stand- which is how most babies are conceived anyway if you think about it."

"Don't they have two kids?"

"Gracie was the drunken one night stand baby, Charlie was the result of a pity fuck."

"Ah, that would explain it then."

"Anyway, Rose's not upset because she knows that he loves the kids and he's still a good father. He's making time to see them, and Gracie and Charlie know that their father loves men, but they're telling them that that's not a bad thing."

"It isn't."

"Exactly!"

"Was there more to this conversation?"

"He asked me what I was doing here and why I wasn't home with my family." Patrick let out a deep breath. "What am I doing here? Why aren't I home with my family?"

"Because you didn't want to pay full for your car and you wanted to get your wife a present, but you didn't have enough money so you entered me in a karaoke contest at a gay bar for prize money."

Patrick made a noise of agreement. "Did you go behind my back and choose a song yet?"

"No, all of the good songs were taken. I need to pick a song soon, the only spot available was the person after Jeff and Oliver," Steve pointed to the two friends near the stage eagerly awaiting their turn.

"Wait here," Patrick got up and went to the front to pick a song for Steve. Steve watched Patrick go up there, quickly pick a song, write it down on the sign-up sheet, and come back to the table. "Okay, that's done."

"Should I be concerned?"

"Nah."

"Oh god it's by a woman isn't it?"

"I'm not that cruel Steve."

"Patrick, what did you-"

"Will you trust me on this, Steve?"

"No!"

"Well you should."

"Do I really have to do this?"

"You owe me, remember?"

"Can't I just pay you?"

"I thought you didn't have money."

Steve reached into his pocket for his wallet, removing a set of car keys as he did so. "Oh, do you need your keys back?"

"Not til we get back to my flat. By the way: Jeff is riding back with you this time."

"Why?"

"I can't keep answering all his questions."

"Ah," Steve understood what Patrick had meant.

As Patrick took a drink, he remembered something. "Actually yeah, I need my keys back for a sec." Steve passed him his car keys. "I just remembered that I've got my camera in the car."

"What, for emergencies?"

"I left the camera in there to remember to get the photos developed. I've still got some film left; I might as well take some pictures to remind you that you did honor your end of the deal."

"And leave me forever haunted by this ordeal?"

"Sure, whatever."

"Hey, shouldn't you call Sally? You know, to check on things."

"Nah, not right now."

"Patrick!"

"What? Susan and Jane are with her; I'm sure everything's fine."

…

A guilty Susan and a disgruntled Jane re-entered the apartment to find two people on the couch uncontrollably crying. "I think it got worse," Jane quietly commented to Susan.

Susan shot Jane a quick glare before going over to the couch and holding out her hands. "Here," she gestured to Sally, "give her to me."

Sally sniffled as she passed the baby to Susan. "What are you doing here? I thought you abandoned me."

"It felt wrong leaving you here alone like this without any help. I felt guilty and I came back."

"Actually, I'm here because Susan was my ride and she wanted to come back," Jane corrected.

Susan sighed at her brunette companion. "Anyway, it wasn't fair to you so I came back and dragged Jane along." Jane nodded fiercely at that.

Sally couldn't help but let out a small laugh as she cleared her face. "Thank you; I really do appreciate that."

"So she still hasn't stopped crying?"

"No, and I've tried everything."

"Let me try something," Susan held the newborn over her shoulder and patted her back until she burped. "Do you hear that?"

Jane raised an eyebrow to her. "What, a burp?"

"No," Susan's eyes lit up, "she's stopped crying!" Once the women started to celebrate, the baby started wailing again.

And soon, there were four people crying.

…

An excited Jeff and Oliver ran from the stage to their table after their performance. "God I love karaoke," Jeff s proudly said before taking a drink.

"You guys seemed to have won the crowd over," Steve noted as the loud applause started to die down.

"See, it doesn't matter if you're a good singer or not; it's all about showmanship, confidence, and having fun. Keep that in mind when you go." Steve moaned in agony and banged his head onto the table seemingly forgetting the stitches on his forehead (until he sat upright with an "Ow" and rubbed the tender spot).

"Come on Steve," Oliver lifted Steve off the table. "It really is fun."

"Yeah and don't worry if you have stage fright. Just try to picture everyone in the audience naked- you'll feel less nervous."

Oliver shot a confused glance in Jeff's direction. "Isn't it 'try to picture everyone in their underwear'?"

Jeff's eyes went wide. "What?"

Patrick nodded as he chugged his drunk. Setting it down, he felt the need to add, "It'd be too creepy picturing a bunch of naked guys in an audience."

"And this place is full of guys," Oliver reminded. Jeff shuddered as he reached for his drink. Quickly, Oliver decided to instigate conversation. "So Steve's up after this…" he looked at the stage at a person of indeterminate gender singing Dead or Alive's 'You Spin Me Round'. "…person." He looked at Steve. "You know what you're singing?"

"No," Steve almost too quickly answered back. "Patrick picked out my song." Patrick nodded in acknowledgement as he picked up his Guinness. "The only thing I know is it's not by a woman."

Jeff turned to Patrick. "Can you give any other clues?"

Patrick finished his drink and set it down. "Nope." Jeff emitted a whiny moan. "Look, just trust my judgment alright." The song finished and Person X took his/her bow. "I think you're up Steve."

Taking a deep breath and swallowing his pride, Steve made his way to the mini-stage and took the microphone. "Hello," he nervously greeted the audience, "I just like it to be recorded that I am against doing this and I'm merely returning a favor for a friend. I'd also like to apologize in advanced for reasons I'm sure will become clear in the next few minutes." He couldn't help but glare at his table as Patrick readied his camera. Once the technician gave Steve an "all set" signal, Steve turned to the screen and watched as the song's title and artist came onto view. "No! No! Absolutely not! I refuse!"

"Come on Steve!" Jeff encouraged his friend before chanting, "Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

Oliver soon joined in. "Steve! Steve!" And not too long after that, Patrick and the rest of the crowd were chanting Steve's name encouragingly.

There was no use trying to avoid this now. "Fine!" Steve begrudgingly agreed. While the audience applauded, Steve flipped Patrick the bird.

Oliver leaned toward Patrick. "Why'd he do that?"

Patrick smiled a sly, Cheshire-cat smile, "He saw the song I picked for him."

"What song?"

A sullen looking Steve faced the screen, held up the microphone, and spoke the first part of the song with unenthusiastic monotone. "I'm too sexy for my love; too sexy for my love; love's going to leave me."

The sound of three friends at a table snickering could definitely be made out as the music began to pick up.

…

Susan paced in the hallway before hanging up her phone in exasperation. "Why in God's name aren't they answering their mobiles?"

The sound of a wailing newborn could be heard as Jane opened the door and stepped out of the apartment. "Have you got a hold of them yet?"

"No!"

Jane made a noise of dismay before suggesting, "Maybe you and I should go look for them."

"We don't know where the bloody hell they are! Are you sure they didn't tell you where they were going and you just neglected to inform us?"

"I know just as much as you do: they went to pick up Patrick's car and a gift for Sally."

"Do you know the name of the garage or what store they went to?"

"If they were getting a surprise for Sally do you honestly think they'd tell me where they were going."

Susan was a bit dumbfounded by that. "That's a surprisingly well thought out point. You seem to be having quite a bit of smart moments today."

"Why did that statement feel somewhat insulting?"

Susan ignored that and continued on. "And if they did go shopping for Sally after going to the garage then that gives us no help."

"Doesn't Sally have a favorite store?"

"It depends on what she wants to buy."

"What are they buying her?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"But I have no guess."

"Exactly."

"What do women usually get after having a baby?"

"Most of the time it's jewelry."

"Well then they're probably at her favorite jewelry store!"

"Pick one."

"Out of?"

"Thirteen."

"Thirteen? I barely know of three jewelry shops! Maybe he's not shopping for jewelry. What about shoe shops?"

Susan scoffed at that. "Yeah right; even if he was buying Sally shoes he could be at one of twenty-nine places."

"Should I even ask about clothing stores?" Susan gave her an 'are you serious' look (complete with an eyebrow raised). "Well you don't have to look at me like I'm an idiot! At least trying to figure where they are." Jane gave it another thought. "Ooh, maybe they're at the bar!"

"I sincerely doubt they'd be at a bar right now."

…

"That was the single most humiliating moment of my life," Steve bemoaned as he stomped off of the bar's mini-stage and slumped into his seat.

"At least you got applause," Jeff tried to help.

"Pity applause!"

"But it's still applause," Patrick felt compelled to say.

"I really hate you right now Patrick."

"Here," Patrick slid him a beer, "my treat."

"Do you honestly think this is going to help?"

"You could drink until you repress this." Steve shrugged and took a swig.

"Shouldn't we be getting back to the girls soon?" Oliver inquired.

Jeff shook his head. "Not yet." He pointed to the stage. "I want to find out who won."

"Not me," Steve grumbled as he took another drink.

"Jeff's got a point though," Oliver pointed out. "Maybe there's a chance they took too much pity on Steve and at least gave him third; that would give us some money."

"How many more people are left?" Jeff asked.

"I think there are four more guys after this-one of them is Patrick's brother-in-law."

"He's not that bad of a singer actually," Patrick noted.

A familiar face approached the table. "Hello gents."

"Howard!" Steve, Patrick, and Jeff easily remembered Jane's gay date.

"I was heading out and I thought I'd pop over and say a quick hi." He turned to Steve. "And for what it's worth you gave a decent attempt."

A small smile formed on Steve's face. "Thank you."

"At least you didn't bolt off the stage, or blow chunks, or even piss your pants midway through."

"I did consider all three of those options."

"So what are you blokes doing here anyway? I doubt you've all joined my side."

"It's a long, painful story Howard."

"What are you doing here?" Jeff asked.

"Came in for a drink with my boyfriend," Howard gestured to his boyfriend. "He says he recognized you lot and coaxed me over here to see why." Howard's boyfriend waved to the group.

Patrick squinted to get a better look. "Why does that guy look so familiar?"

"Probably because he's the guy who delivered your daughter," Steve answered back.

Howard became interested. "I didn't know you have a daughter. Couldn't have been that long ago; Russell's been certified for a little over three years and I met all…" he looked at Oliver, "…er most of you six years ago. How old is your daughter anyway, Patrick?"

Patrick thought about that. "Nearly two."

"Two years? Two months?"

"Days."

"Days?" Patrick nodded. "Okay then, congratulations." Patrick raised his glass, signifying a non-verbal thanks. "Anyway, best be heading off; nice seeing you guys again."

"Bye Howard!" Jeff waved goodbye to their one-time acquaintance. "Nice seeing him again, wasn't it?"

"I wouldn't know," Oliver grumbled.

Steve clapped his hands together. "Okay, gents, we've had an eventful afternoon; got the car fixed, went to a gay bar for a karaoke, learned someone was gay, and met up with a former acquaintance who's also gay. I think it's time we get back to-"

"Not yet," Jeff interrupted. "We have to find out who won the karaoke contest."

"Well I can assure you it wasn't me."

"Maybe if you took off your shirt," Jeff's suggestion resulted in strange looks. "The song did imply that the singer was too sexy for his shirt. You could've saved your lack of karaoke skills if you took off your shirt."

"I'd rather spend my day fully clothed, thank you. I would also like it if this day was over and I can go back to my friend's flat to spend time with my wife."

"A nice thought," Patrick started, "but I have to make one more stop before going home."

"And where might that be?"

"Somewhere where I can get my photos developed. I'm sure the women would like photographic evidence to back up our preposterous sounding story."

"Hey can you get doubles of some of those pictures?" Jeff inquired.

"I s'pose I could."

"Excellent."

Steve began to whine. "But I want to go home!"

"Wouldn't you technically be going to Patrick's flat?"

"Jeff!"

Patrick tossed Steve a set of car keys. "Here; take my other car back home after you find out who wins and then I'll meet you back at my flat."

"What about Sally's push present?" Oliver asked.

"Right," Patrick blew out a breath. "I guess I'll let her pick two expensive things next time she wants to go shopping—sorta like an IOU."

Steve glared at him. "That could have saved us an embarrassing gay bar fiasco if you just decided to do that earlier."

"True, but I just thought of it now, didn't I?"

Jeff felt the need to interject. "Also, you wouldn't have returned the favor by singing whenever Patrick asked you to."

"Ooh yeah; good thing Jeff reminded me or I would've completely forgotten. Thanks Jeff."

Steve gritted his teeth. "Yes, thank you Jeff."

…

"I'll tell you one thing Sally," Jane had to raise her voice over the crying in the living room, "your baby has an impressive set of lungs."

Sally groaned. "Why hasn't all this crying tired her out?"

Susan finished pouring a cup of coffee and set one near Sally. "Are you sure there isn't anything we haven't done?"

"Yes! We have tried everything! There is nothing I can think of that will make her stop!"

"Maybe she misses Patrick," Jane suggested.

"What?"

"Yeah, she senses her daddy's gone and she misses him."

Susan pointed to Jane. "You know, Jane may be onto something. I've seen this before; it's a sort of separation anxiety deal."

"So all we need to do is have Patrick come home."

"But we don't know where he is!" Sally reminded.

"Try to be more optimistic; negative thinking usually leads to negative actions. Perhaps if you think positive then Ellie would stop crying." Jane leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes…

…unaware of the strange looks the other women were given her. "Jane," Susan began, "what are you doing?"

"I'm thinking positive." Jane began humming.

Sally slid her coffee to Susan. "I need something stronger in this coffee."

Susan picked up the cup and went to the kitchen counter. "Like what?"

"Vodka."

The ladies were suddenly distracted by the main door opening. "We're back!"

"Steve?" Susan hurried out of the kitchen and went to meet her husband.

The first thing she noticed were Jeff and Oliver each standing to a side of Steve blocking their ears. "We were hoping the crying wasn't coming from here," Steve nearly shouted.

Susan quickly eyed over the group. "Wait a minute, where's Patrick?"

"He's not here?"

"What do you mean 'he's not here'?"

"He took his other car and said he'd meet us back here."

"Back here from where?"

"He didn't say." Steve gestured to the living room. "Has she been fussy long?"

"You have no idea."

"Ooh good, the guys are back!' Jane was the next person to exit the kitchen with Sally close behind. "Well," she also glanced over the group, "most of them anyway."

"Where is Patrick?" Sally questioned.

"Obviously not here."

"Yeah, and I don't think I want to be here either," Oliver snapped. "I'm really sorry, but I'd like to return home with both my hearing and my sanity. Hope you enjoyed the cake," Oliver left.

"Ooh, Oliver's got the right idea," Jane sauntered over to Jeff and latched onto his arm. "Come on Jeff; let's get out of here and finish our role playing game from earlier."

"Okay!" that took some easy convincing for Jeff. Soon he and Jane were out the door.

And then there were three (four counting the screaming baby in the living room). Susan and Steve looked at Sally with pleading eyes. With a sigh, Sally relented. "Fine, go." They were gone in an instant. Not knowing what to do, Sally shuffled into the living room and went over to her daughter. "Well, I hope you're happy." She slumped on the couch with her hand over her head and started sobbing.

"Hello?" Sally didn't notice Patrick come in until he was at her side. "Hey, hey," he gently shook her. "What's the matter?"

"I'm a terrible mother."

"What?"

"My child hates me!"

"She doesn't hate you."

"Prove it." He gave her a confused look. "Go pick her up." Unsure of what she meant, Patrick did what he asked. He scooped Ellie from her bassinet and started to calm her. This got the infant to quiet down. "See!"

"See what?"

"She has been crying all day and when you pick her up she instantly stops. The girls and I tried everything to get her to stop and nothing worked! It's like you possess some sort of magical powers or something. What is your secret?"

"I'm just as surprised as you are."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he put his index finger in Ellie's mouth.

"What are you doing?"

"I did this to put Charlie to sleep once. Apparently it's some sort of soothing mechanism."

"Wha…we didn't read that in any of the books. How did you know that?"

"Some things you learn from experience."

Sally leaned back onto the sofa. "I guess I'm not cut out to be a mother."

"Yes, you are; you're just new at it. You're not the only person to feel that way, you know."

Sally looked at him. "You mean you're scared too?" Patrick nodded. "Why? You've got some child rearing experience with your sister's kids; this all seems so natural to you."

"No it doesn't! Sally, I have no clue how to be a father! An uncle, yeah, but that's less responsibility; you can just dump the kids back off with their parents after a few hours. Being a parent feels completely different. Do you know how petrified I was when I first held our daughter? I thought she would do what Josh did when I first held him and that little bugger hates me."

"He doesn't hate you."

"No, he does. He actually flipped me the bird once." Sally let out a small laugh at that. "See, I got you to smile at my misfortune."

When Ellie made a noise, both her parents looked at her. "Wow, I can't believe that soothing technique of yours actually worked. It's actually calmed her down." Ellie let out a yawn. "Aww, someone's tired." Sally held out her arms. "Let me try putting her to bed." Patrick passed his daughter to her mother. Ellie let out a whine of disapproval, but Sally managed to calm her down as she laid Ellie in her bassinet.

"Yeah Sally, it sure sounds like she hates you."

"Shut up." Sally watched Ellie squirm. "Why isn't she going to sleep?"

"Try putting her to sleep."

"How?"

"How did your mother get you to sleep?"

"My mother never put me to sleep. What did your mother do with you?"

Patrick paused to think about that. "Mum used to sing me to sleep."

"Patrick, I don't sing."

"Neither did my mum."

"My singing voice is awful."

"Mum's wasn't exactly pitch perfect either."

"Patrick-"

"Sally, please, just try. You've got to learn from experience."

"You're right," Sally began gently rocking the bassinet. "What should I sing?"

"It's up to you."

"I don't know any lullabies."

"Then don't sing a lullaby. Find a song you know and just sing it like how you would sing it to a baby."

"Uh..." Sally's mind scrambled to find a song. "…I honestly don't know what to choose."

"Pick the first song that comes to mind and just go with it."

"Why don't you pick?"

"Okay," Patrick considered a few options, "what about that song they sing at the beginning of that mother-daughter show you and Susan watch?"

"The Gilmore Girls?"

"Sure, you can pick a song by them if you'd like."

"That's the name of the show, Patrick."

"Is it really?" Patrick literally shrugged that off. "Well you watch it all the time, you would know that. You should know the song they play in the beginning."

"Of course I do. It's originally from the Tapestry album."

"See, you know the song and the band."

Sally let out a small groan—there was really no point in correcting him. "Just because I know a song doesn't mean I know the words. I only know the chorus and I doubt it's long enough to put her to sleep."

"If we keep this up I'll be the one who falls asleep." Sally pretended to ignore that. "You seem to know the album; pick a song from it that you know most of the words to and sing it to her."

"Alright," Sally agreed, "but I did warn you ahead of time that I'm a terrible singer."

"Don't think I don't know that already?"

Sally suppressed a small laugh at that as she rolled her eyes. She began rocking her daughter's bassinet before she quietly started to sing.

"So far away
Doesn't anybody stay in once place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know that you're just

Time away
Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could

But you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it being close to you

But you're so far away."

That seemed to do the trick because Ellie had fallen asleep sometime before Sally had sung that last part. "Patrick," Sally was sure to whisper despite her amazement had what just transpired, "Patrick, it actually worked!"

"Usually does," he quietly replied back.

"I don't believe it."

"You know your singing's not that bad."

Sally turned to her husband. "It's not?"

He shook his head no. "I've really only heard you sing when you're drunk so it's like you didn't even try. When you do try it's actually pretty decent."

"Thank you." She joined her husband on the sofa.

"Don't always underestimate yourself; by doing that you almost always set yourself up for failure."

"You're being surprisingly insightful."

"I'm not sure what that means but I'll take it as a compliment." Sally couldn't help but let out a small laugh at that. "And I'm sorry I wasn't here for you today."

"Yeah, well, I'll yell at you later."

"I do have photographic proof to back up my story though. I took some photos with the camera I used at the hospital and I just came back from getting them developed."

"Ugh," Sally made a face, "I bet I look terrible in the pictures I'm in."

"I didn't think so."

Sally patted his hand. "You're sweet. You're wrong; but sweet."

"Well in your defense you just had a baby and usually women look like crap after giving birth…unless they're an actress on a television series or movie."

"I find it rather endearing when you say the right thing in the wrong way."

"Thank you…I guess," Patrick, who never claimed to be a vocabulary expert, took her last remark as a compliment (which it was, but he couldn't tell). He took out an envelope of photos from his jacket pocket. "I got some good ones of Steve paying back his debt to me."

Sally took the envelope with some reluctance. "Do I want to know?"

"Karaoke at a gay bar to win prize money."

"Oh-kay," she decided to brush that off for now and go through the photos. Pretty soon she came across one that made her swoon. "I actually do like this one," she passed Patrick the duplicate photo and watched him proudly smile at the image of himself holding his newborn daughter at the hospital. "And I'm not just saying that because I'm not in the picture." She gave the image another glance over. "I'm surprised you didn't get any of these wallet-sized."

"I actually didn't think about that."

"I just thought that would be a nice idea. Most fathers carry pictures of their children in their wallets, or even in a personalized photo frame for their work station."

"Bloody hell," Patrick's sudden outburst surprisingly didn't awake the sleeping newborn. He bolted off of the sofa and into the bedroom.

"Patrick," a confused, somewhat startled Sally followed him to the bedroom. In their room, Patrick was practically tearing through everything in an obvious search for something. "Patrick, are you alright?"

"I thought of it!"

"Thought of what?"

"The perfect present for you."

"Were you out all day trying to find me a push present? If so, why were you at a gay bar?"

"I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier!" Patrick didn't seem to hear her.

"Honestly Patrick, you really don't have to give me anything. I mean yes, it would be nice, but you really don't have to-"

"Ah-ha!" he proudly held up a gift bag. "Found 'em."

"Found what?"

He removed two sets of photo frames. "I completely forgot about these. Liza from work gave them to me the day after our wedding."

"Don't you mean Laura?"

"Is it really Laura? Huh, no wonder she got upset at the personalized birthday gift I got her." He literally shrugged this off. "Anyway, she got this matching set and told me I could use it to put a photo of you and the baby at my desk." He couldn't quite make out Sally's reaction as he passed her a photo frame. "I can use one for my work and you can use yours for your work, or even for home. I think that picture you like can fit in there." He noticed tears start to pool in the corner of her eyes. "Sally?"

The next thing he knew, Sally had embraced him. "This is the most thoughtful thing you have ever given me."

"So you like it?"

With a quick little laugh, Sally gave her husband a kiss on the cheek. "I love it, thank you." Patrick smiled. "And I mean it; you don't have to buy me anything."

"So essentially all the stuff that happened today could have been avoided?"

Sally made some sort of noise of agreement, "Yeah, well…just don't tell Steve that." She set her frame down on the nearby dresser. "I think I will put that photo in my frame. I'll go find you a photo where I don't look too hideous for you to put in your frame."

Patrick sat on the bed. "You do that."

In the living room, Sally carefully inspected the pictures that were taken at the hospital. If the response didn't elicit a 'no' or look of disgust, it was given some indistinguishable noise and held aside. She had narrowed her option down to two before realizing it was the same image on each photo. "I must be tired," she noted to herself before putting one of them back in the pile of photos and keeping the duplicate photo in her grasp. Carrying the photo she chose, she went back to her bedroom to find her husband was now asleep on their bed. With a sigh, she moved his frame from the bed to the dresser, set the pictures with the frame, and joined him on the bed to rest her eyes for a few moments.

…

Steve was griping as Susan used her spare key to enter Sally and Patrick's flat around eight-thirty the following morning. "Bloody…Mary this is ridiculous," he was careful to watch his language around their young son.

"We have to make sure everything's alright," Susan adjusted Josh in her arms as she used the key.

"They're probably just sleeping."

"I don't know; it seems too quiet in there."

"Thank the Lord."

Susan gave him her typical glare and that got Steve to not say anything further. Once she got the door opened, she set her son down and began calling for her friends while trying not to disturb the baby.

Susan and Steve neglected to notice their eighteen month old toddle his way over to the bassinet in the living room. "No see bay-vee!" Josh practically shouted.

"Ssh," Steve gently reprimanded his son as he fast-walked into the living room. "You can see the baby later."

"Bay-vee seeping?"

Steve looked into the bassinet. Ellie was squirming around in the bassinet with her eyes partially closed. "No, actually, the baby's awake."

"The parents are probably sleeping," Susan went past them and into Patrick and Sally's bedroom muttering something about leaving their baby alone in the living room.

Josh tugged on Steve's pant-leg. "No see bay-vee!"

"No see baby?" Steve translated. "Do you want to see the baby?" Josh bobbed his head in reply. "Okay, let's see the baby," Steve picked up his son and hovered him over the bassinet. "Do you see the baby?"

"See bay-vee!"

"I'll take that as a yes."

Susan was the first to exit the bedroom. "Found them." A tired looking Sally and Patrick followed Susan into the living room.

"Hi guys," Steve greeted Patrick and Sally responded with some pathetic, muffled grunts of hello.

Susan noticed her son. "Did he want to see the baby?"

Steve nodded. "He did."

"He didn't wake her did he?"

"I think she was already somewhat awake. She's acting like she wants out."

Sally took a seat on the sofa. "I'm taking no chances, someone else can get her."

Steve made eye contact with Susan. "Sally wake a sleeping baby?"

"Yep," Susan answered back.

"Oh, Sally, you should never wake a sleeping baby."

"I learned my lesson alright!" Sally practically growled back. "If you're going to criticize anything about me please don't do it this early...or at all."

"Hole bay-vee!" Josh yelled as he pointed to Ellie.

Steve chuckled at his son. "Do you want to hold the baby?" Josh gave another head bob yes.

Patrick gave Steve an odd look. "You can actually understand him?"

"Sure."

"I believe that understanding your child is something that comes with parenthood," Susan explained. "And yes, he does want to hold the baby. Is it alright?"

"Isn't he a little young?" Patrick questioned.

"Oh, let him hold her," Sally allowed. "We're here, his parents are here, none of us are going to let anything happen. As long as there's someone on both sides of him to help hold her properly it's alright."

Patrick blew out a breath. "If you say so," he gestured for Steve to take Josh to the couch before carefully removing Ellie from her bassinet.

Susan stood behind the couch. "Remember to help him support her head guys," she reminded. She tried not to critique as the fathers helped the little boy hold the baby girl, but even she had to admit they did a good job. "See Patrick's, everything's fine."

"Yeah, well I still think he's a little young." He sat back on his couch and carefully watched his friend's son hold his daughter.

"Well I think this is adorable. In fact," Susan took her phone from her pocket, "I have to get a picture of this to upload to our new computer." Susan hurried to the front of the couch. "Joshie, smile for Mommy."

"No," Josh furiously shook his head no.

"Maybe videoing this might be better. Patrick, do you still have any video cameras in your cupboard?"

"Yes, but make sure there isn't anything on there that needs to be taped over," Patrick replied.

Susan took a camera from the cupboard, made sure there wasn't anything to tape over, and readied for filming. "Alright," she turned the video mode on, "and we're filming," she kept the camera on her son and not-goddaughter, "feel free to have some background narration so it's not totally quiet." The other adults let out a series of unknown murmurs, groans, and non-verbal noises in response. "Okay," she focused on Josh. "Josh. Joshie, are you holding Auntie Sally's baby?" Another enthusiastic bob of the head from Josh. "Do you want to tell the baby hi? Say 'hi Ellie'."

"Hi Eh-ee!" Joshua shouted at the camera.

"Don't say it to Mummy, say it to the baby. Tell the baby 'hi Ellie'."

"Oh," Susan heard before Josh looked at Ellie. "Hi Eh-ee!" he shouted at the baby. This startled Ellie enough for her to let out a cry. "Uh-oh," Josh looked at his mother in panic ready to cry himself.

"No, no honey, it's okay, babies cry when they get scared; you just scared her when you shouted. Tell Ellie you're sorry, but tell her quietly so you don't scare her."

"I sowwy," Josh loudly whispered back to Susan.

"Say it to Ellie, sweetie,"

Again, Josh went 'oh' and looked down at Ellie. "I sowwy Eh-ee," he quietly apologized. Then he gave Ellie a gentle kiss to her forehead to calm her down.

"Aww," the mothers swooned at this.

Steve craned his neck toward Patrick. "Looks like we're gonna be in-laws, mate."

Patrick cringed at that. "Isn't it a bit early for jokes?"

"Don't be surprised if we watch this video when they get married twenty-"

"Thirty!"

"-or thirty years from now and we all see I was right." Patrick made a noise of displeasure at that. "It could happen." Another displeased noise from Patrick.

"Steve," Sally began, "could you not torment my husband before he's had caffeine?"

"A little payback for yesterday wouldn't hurt."

Sally looked at Patrick. "I still have to yell at you for yesterday." Patrick gave some sort of hand signal signifying he understood.

"So," Susan focused the camera on Patrick, "what exactly did you and the boys do last night?"

"Whatever Steve told you we did," Patrick answered back.

"You got your car fixed, went to a gay bar, found out your brother-in-law was gay, made Steve sing 'I'm Too Sexy' to pay off a debt, Jeff and Oliver won second place in a karaoke contest, and you returned to your flat where you and your wife let your newborn daughter sleep in the living room completely unsupervised."

"I doubt Steve told you that last part."

Susan let out a small laugh. "It's natural for new parents to make mistakes; it shows you're trying. By showing you're trying, it's showing you that you love and care for your child."

"Even if you accidentally leave it completely alone for a large number of hours," Steve was met with incredulous stares. "Well pardon me for trying to help."

"Would it help if we documented all of your mistakes with our son on video to help our friends better take care of their child?"

"No."

"Then please don't try to help, Darling."

"Yes, Dear."

"That would be helpful actually," Patrick commented. "Could you do that?"

"Anyway," Susan used that tone when she was about to switch subjects, "why don't we see what Sally-"

Sally pushed the camera away. "I refuse to have any evidence of me without makeup."

"Honestly Sally, you better get used to going long periods of time without makeup now that you have a baby."

"We'll see about that."

"How about you, Patrick?" the camera turned to Patrick. "Is there anything you'd like to say?"

"Like get out of my flat?"

"I'm serious? Is there anything you want to say to our kids in case they watch this in the future?"

"Uh..." Patrick blew out a breath, "...Ellie, as your father I'll love you no matter what, but please be a lesbian."

"Patrick!" Sally cried out.

"What?"

"Please think before you speak."

"Well I don't want her to focus on boys. I'd rather her be smart. Let's face it, Sally we're not exactly Einsteins." Steve nodded in agreement. "If it were up to me I'd rather have my daughter be super smart and wind up a lonely, bitter old cat woman with three Master's degrees and fluent in Mandarin Chinese."

"Mandarin Chinese?"

"I read that it's the hardest language to learn."

"Where did you read that?"

"I didn't actually read it, someone told me they read it. But seriously, is it too much to want that for your child?"

"Can't she be smart and married to a handsome, rich prince?"

"Why does our daughter have to marry into royalty? If she does want to involve herself with politics then she should become the next Margaret Thatcher."

"Oh God no!"

Susan turned the camera on herself. "Remember Ellie, your parents wouldn't be making this much of a fuss if they didn't love you."

"Are you still here?"

"Okay, okay, we'll go," Susan turned the camera off. "Steve, could you get your son?"

Steve got up from his seat. "Okay son, give Daddy the baby and say goodbye."

"My bay-vee!" Josh tried to move the baby closer to him, but quickly changed his mind when she spat up on him. He was then all too eager to give Ellie to his own father and then get off the couch and run to his mother for comfort.

"That's my girl," Patrick proudly stated when his daughter was deposited into his arms.

UGH THIS TOOK FOREVER! I kept my word though. I really, really hope this ending was sufficient. If not...well just remembered where the original show ended and be grateful that my first fic exists.

And I know I'm working on more stuff, but believe it or not I do have some more Coupling stuff outlined that I saved so don't be surprised if you do see some more Coupling stuff in the future.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it and sorry it took so long. Peace out!