I think I can honestly say that I never laughed so hard while trying to write "classy" smut. I was away last week, and when I came back, I found 7 challenges on the FB boards I follow. I got three of them here, The Olympic Smut Off from Erica, the Denial Challenge by MomofPhoenix, and the Choo Choo Challenge by Margaret and Melanie. There will be two more chapters to follow, So I promise I'll get yours in here too, Shelley! (I also have the 400 challenge and the bridge challenge lined up for this story, the Mazur family dinner will be a different one.) Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it. All challenge prompts are in bold.

There's a Big Old Smut Warning for this chapter. If that's not your thing, you can skip the last three paragraphs.

BTW, all the characters (so far) belong to JE. The mistakes, as usual, are mine.

You would think I'd know better by now. I should have realized when I pulled up to the house and my first instinct was to keep driving, that this was a bad idea. I should have just stayed where I was, but tonight was a command appearance. My mother commanded and I appeared. Besides, my mother and grandma were standing at the door watching me. There was nowhere to run.

My name is Stephanie Plum. I'm old enough that the threat of no longer getting pineapple upside down cake shouldn't strike terror in my heart, but it does. I have been the thorn in my mother's side since I jumped off the roof trying to fly, but as long as there's pineapple upside down cake, I know that she still loves me.

I got out of my car and walked towards my childhood home. My mother held open the door, and Grandma Mazur kissed my cheek as I walked in. I yelled a greeting to my father, who was in his chair glued to the TV. My next hint that something was wrong was the fact that there were five place settings at the table. I was tempted to keep going straight to the kitchen, take the cake, and run, but my mother had anticipated that. She stood by the stove with her arms crossed. "I'm not telling you where I hid the cake until after dinner." Damn.

I helped my mother move the meal to the table. Just as she yelled for dad to come to the table, the front door opened. I could feel my stomach drop. When Morelli sauntered around the corner, I threw up a little in my mouth. As he kissed my mother's cheek, I looked towards the door with longing. I could already tell this was going to be bad. Finally, we started loading our plates. I could get through this, I just had to keep my mouth closed. Yeah, right.

Once we began to eat, my mom tried her opening gambit. "Joseph, it's so good to see you again. What have you been doing?"

I gagged a little on my pot roast, but kept my mouth closed. Joe leaned back and smiled. "I've been looking for something very important, and I think I've found it. You know that Stephanie and I have been seeing each other on and off for years?" While that was true, we were off for good and I had pulled the switch out of the wall so that I was never tempted to flip it 'on' again. I shot him a look, but he continued, unperturbed. "Well, I've decided that it's time to take the next step." I chugged my wine so that I didn't have to say anything. Denial. I own property there. "Cupcake, I've loved you since you were six and I was eight playing choo-choo in my dad's garage. We belong together. Will you marry me?" He pulled a ring out of his pocket and knelt down next to me.

I spit my wine out with so much force that poor grandma was covered in a fine red spray. After I was finished sputtering, I glared at him. "Are you out of your frigging mind? No, I'm not going to marry you. I broke up with you when I found Joyce Barnhardt riding your pecker like American Pharoah." I could hear my mother's horrified gasp, but I was too worked up to notice the other people in the room. "You think that because you inspected my 'tunnel' when I was in kindergarten that I'm going to forget that?"

I slapped my hand over my mouth as silence fell upon the room. If I hadn't been so mad, I wouldn't have said that out loud. I never wanted my family to find out about that incident.

My father stood. He was turning purple and shaking with rage. He turned his head slowly to look at Morelli. "You VIOLATED my daughter when she was a baby?"

Morelli looked terrified. "Sir, it's not as bad as it sounds."

I was afraid that my father's head was going to explode. I hissed at Joe to shut up. My father stormed out of the dining room and into the living room. He came back in carrying my grandma's purse. Holy crap, everyone knows that grandma has a gun in there. Grandma jumped up and tried to grab the purse from him. While they played tug of war, I shoved Joe towards the door. "Get out now and don't come back, Joe. I'm never going to marry you, and the less my father sees of you, the better." Joe certainly didn't let the door hit him in the ass as he ran for his car.

It took a long time to reassure my dad that Joe was gone and never coming back, but eventually he let grandma have the purse and slumped back down in his chair. My mom wrapped up half the cake, and I left the house, exhausted.

I made my way back to my apartment, stuffed the cake in the fridge, and assumed my thinking position without even bothering to change out of my clothes. Tonight had been too much to handle, and I just wanted to forget the last three hours. I was still laying there when I heard my locks tumble. I don't know if I'm really ready to face Ranger after my latest disaster, but it's not like I have much choice in the matter. He leaned in my doorframe and said, "Babe?"

I closed my eyes and rubbed the tingles from the back of my neck. "It's been a bad night."

He pushed off of the doorframe and sauntered into the room. His utility belt thumped on my nightstand and he sat on my bed. "Have you ever had a good dinner at your parents?"

I curled up and rested my head on his leg. He stroked my hair as I spoke. "This was even worse than usual. Mom invited Morelli to dinner and he proposed right there at the table." Ranger's hand stilled on my head, so I hurried on. "I turned him down flat, then let it slip that I caught him porking Barnyard. Dad was trying to wrestle grandma's purse from her to get her gun while I was pushing him out of the house. The worst part is that I haven't even eaten any of my pineapple upside down cake."

He repositioned me on the bed and slid down until we were laying together with my head on his shoulder. He kissed my curls and said, "You never disappoint, Babe."

We laid like that for a while and I basked in Ranger's comforting heat and intoxicating scent. Slowly, his caresses began to heat up, and I could feel my Love Box getting Moist. I almost whimpered when he stopped and began to pull away, but instead, I pulled him closer and looked deeply into his obsidian eyes. "Babe, if we don't stop, I'm not going to be able to control myself." Instead of answering him, I captured his lower lip between my teeth. That was all the incentive he needed, and took my mouth in a bone melting kiss.

When he broke the kiss, he started to work his way lower, shedding my clothes as he went. I arched my back as he lavished attention on my breasts, pinching each taut nipple before sucking it into his mouth. He didn't continue his journey until I was ready to sploosh from the attention. He kissed his way down my body, each soft nip on the way wringing a gasp from me. My entire body was on fire from his attention.

He undid my jeans and placed a soft kiss on each of my hipbones as he slid my pants and panties down my thighs. The scrape of denim followed by his lips against my skin was almost unbearable, and he hasn't even touched the promised land yet. Once my pants hit the floor, he stood and removed his clothes as well. He worked his way back up my body, kissing and nipping as he went. Once he was back where I wanted him to be, he opened my folds, baring me before him. Before I started to squirm, he whispered, "So pretty," and began seeing to my needs. with the first caress of his tongue, I launched into my first orgasm of the night. Ranger is magic. After my second orgasm, Ranger began to work his way back up my body until the tip of his Love Rocket was nudging my opening. "Do you want this, Babe?"

Do I want this? Is he nuts? What I want to do is cover him with Thousand Island Dressing and lick it off him, but I'm pretty sure my refrigerator is empty, as usual. Fortunately, all I said was "Yes" as I lifted my hips up to meet him and he slid himself home.