Jarvan the Fourth or so woke up one shitty Tuesday and got out of bed, setting one foot on the polished marble floor and the other one in Shyvana's ass, like one of those bunny slippers people keep near their beds, except Shyvana set herself on fire and was more toasty. Bunny slippers can't do that without outside assistance.

Shyvana came as if she were having a wet dream about her prince, except it was real. She was making one of those weird faces that look like someone sneezing and having an orgasm at the same time from one of those terrible hentai things. On the other hand, her aim was getting remarkably better as she had managed to spew her vaginal moist with one hundred percent accuracy into the little spittoon in the corner carved from a still living orphan. She was fine though because the prince always had his toenails manicured like some fruitcake.

But he wasn't the prince anymore because his father and former king, Jarvan approximately the Third, died from drinking from the toilet like a morbidly obese dog, that coincidentally also drinks from toilets. This normally would not have been a problem for a great ruler such as King Jarvan the Fourth's Dad, but in a drunken state, he had accidentally drank from the toilet meant for the servants and not the platinum and jewel encrusted royal shit seat with a handle made of gilded doorknobs and flushed with the tears of starving children that was built for his own personal use.

Naturally, the third Jarvan in a row died and flailed around a bit before they strung him up and beat his body until candy came out. Then the peasants paraded around Noxus with it and made the dead king moon them all because when Sion died and the Noxians beat him for candy, they got all this lame black licorice and salt and nobody wanted it. All the shitty candy turned into a giant monster. Jarvan the Connect Four Piece is now king, and he thought it was pretty cool.

"This is pretty cool." Jarvan conversed to nobody in particular as he put his new crown on and shuffled over to the royal bathroom, dragging Shyvana along with him by her anal passage. She left a wet trail of dragon taint juice that the poor janitor who needs to take care of his sick family would have to clean up and throw away later, unaware that Shyvana's love ectoplasm was worth a fortune as a magical ingredient that could pay for the treatment of his family.

"Oh shit, I need to go produce an heir to the throne before I die and all this candy comes out. Guess I'd better go fuck some girl." Jarvan shouted at Shyvana, who briefly entertained the hopes that she would be her prince's queen, but she quickly got real and remembered that it wouldn't happen because she lays eggs and that's kind of weird.

But Jarvan realized that his plan had a problem. Despite being rich and believing he is entitled to everything, nobody liked him and his family was cooler than he was. The prince was as pathetic as a basement dwelling virgin, except not as pathetic because at least he was a virgin in a big ass castle with a large spear to compensate. In a rare moment of intelligence, he remembered that as the ruler, he could now use an executive order. Unable to choose a bride from Rito's fanservice stock, Elliot Rodger I mean Jarvan used the most efficient, accurate, and most harmless method for randomization known to man.

"Demacia!" Jarvan shouted as he jumped out the palace window and impaled the family of the poor janitor mentioned earlier in one strike.

"D-Demacia!" The family shouted back as they raised their fists in the air as they slowly bled to death. The eldest son died first, drowned in the blood of his mother who was skewered above him. The blood ran down the cobblestones and inexplicably spelled a name, "Vayne".

Jarvan knew what he had to do. Leaving the bodies of the family behind, knowing that no candy would come out because they aren't important characters, the new king crafted a large megaphone out of some rope, a fleshlight, and a large megaphone.

"BRING SHAUNA VAYNE INTO THE ROYAL BEDROOM!" Jarvan screeched into the megaphone, shattering all the windows in Demacia and prompting the royal guards to begin breaking into the homes of the working class and destroy private property in their pursuit of Vayne.

"You wanted to see me, your majesty?" Vayne questioned the king before he promptly punched her in the face, breaking her lame sunglasses and her grip on consciousness. Jarvan leered creepily at her unconscious ass like some twelve year old.

"Ah yes, this entire situation is deliciously vain." Jarvan said to Shyvana, who laughed incredibly hard at his stupid pun in an attempt to flatter him so that maybe she could suck his dick. Jarvan's overblown ego inflated some more, and the half human half dragon all dumbass was no closer to engaging in fellatio with her crush.

To be continued