Title: (No) Pun Intended

Summary: Izuki is aghast. He has finally found his match but he is far from fired up. This man doesn't even acknowledge the puns! His clever word-play just flies over his head and Izuki won't let that go on any longer. Thus begins his puny quest towards acknowledgment.

Izuki had gone out with his team so he and Hyuuga could get new pairs of tennis as his were too worn out, and Riko wouldn't let Hyuuga play any official match with his current ones ("Honestly," she had said, "at most these will last two practice days, tops, go get new ones now.").

"It's a fortune neither of you have the shoe size of a dinosaur, unlike our Kagami-kun, " Koganei commented with a smirk, as he overlooked his two friends trying on their shoes. Kagami took offense to such a comment, but he kept it to a silent sulk until Kuroko considered it pertinent to correct him that it was better to say that Kagami-kun's feet are as big as a Tiger. Wasn't that why he was named Taiga after all?

Kagami started protesting loudly and Izuki was already sniggering when he felt a smack on the top of his head. Surprised, he looked behind him to see a similarly surprised Riko, outstretched hand calling her the culprit. "What was that for?" Izuki demanded.

"Oh," Riko covered her mouth with her hand, a little embarrassed smiled creeping up. "I'm sorry Izuki, I just heard something like a pun so I just reacted on instinct." This effectively set his team as a whole laughing at the offended Eagle.

"You are all terrible friends." Izuki declared in a toneless voice. He stood up, feeling delighted at the way his new shoes fit. "I'm taking these. Meanwhile I'll consider if you lot are any better than having rocks as friends." He paused in consideration. A smirk crawled up his face. "That reminds me, what type of rock is a very good friend?"

"Izuki no."

"An Opal!"

"Rocks will be your only friends if you ever use this joke again."

One snowy night, Sherlock Holmes was in his house, sitting by a fire. All of a sudden, a snowball came crashing through his window, breaking it.

Holmes got up and saw through the broken window the three neighborhood brothers running away at top speed. Their names were John Crimson, Mark Crimson and Paul Crimson. The next day, Holmes got a note that read:

? Crimson broke your window.

Which sibling did it?

Kasamatsu stared at the veritable wall of text Izuki had sent him for who-knows-what-reason at ass o'clock in the morning. He didn't actually read it then, seeing as how it was late and he was tired and it was too damn long and probably not important. He waited until he was already in school, waiting for his teacher to appear when he decided to read it. And promptly sent a text back asking what the fuck was that.

"It's a riddle ;)"

Kasamatsu stared at the reply. He was not amused at all.

"Do you realize at what hour you sent it?" Kasamatsu replied quickly enough. The answer took a couple minutes, he wondered if Izuki had pocketed his phone as soon as he sent that.

"Sorry about that, but it was a glorious prize I needed to share ASAP."

"Do you want me to hit you again?"

"Noo, I'm sorry! - try solving it!" Kasamatsu could practically hear Izuki's voice pleading with him, even with the silly emoji thrown in. It made him crack a smile.

Kasamatsu scrolled up to the riddle-story-thing giving it another once-over. The clues were probably in the text itself, it would at least be entertaining, he supposed. But still, he had dared send a message at that unholy hour.

"Well whatever, okay, but what do I get if I answer it?" He sent, like a sort of punishment. He was going to get payback for being woken up so late. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he figured Izuki would try to weasel out or something.

Nonetheless, the answer was swift.

"A date with me? :9 "

This gave Kasamatsu a pause, mouth twisting with discomfort as he thought about it. Maybe he was playing around because… but anyway he could play along, it wouldn't hurt.

"-_-

"fine but only if you pay for me."

"Really?"

"I don't see why not, just don't get any ideas."

"wdym?"

"it's just hanging out, right?

"uh, yeah. Obviously."

Ah well. Everything was alright then. He was gonna get free food whatever the cost.

"I want a burger." He sent after a moment's consideration. He just didn't want the other to think he was taking advantage and would ask something honestly expensive in return. For his efforts he was sent a laughing emoji followed by a text.

"Hold your horses! Try to figure it out first!"

Kasamatsu snorted and was already typing out a reply when he got the next message,

"But sure thing, cap! Burgers it will be!"

Kasamatsu smiled.

"So that's the gist of it, anyone of you can help?" Kasamatsu told his teammates once class was over. He had re-read the riddle for at least an hour and he was still stumped so he had finally surrendered to ask help from his team, hopefully one of them would know. He rolled his eyes when the incredulous silence was broken by Kise laughing.

"This Izuki guy is ridiculous, but senpai, you couldn't figure it out?" The model said, mock-wiping a tear from his eyes. Everyone ignored him as they tried getting a look at said riddle. With so many hands trying for his phone, Kasamatsu instinctively stretched his hands to put it out of reach.

"But why are you just following along?" Kobori asked nonchalantly, outstretching a hand patiently for his captain to give him the phone. Kasamatsu relented it after a small pause much to the other's disgruntlement ("Hey! Get in rine I asked fol it filst!")

"Izuki's buying me food if I get it." Kasamatsu replied in their general direction, ignoring the jostling two in front of him. He frowned. And aimed a kick in their direction. "Oi, be careful with my phone, don't drop it!"

Moriyama ignored them as well, processing the words with some surprise.

"Wait, seriously? Isn't that too much?" He proceeded to question, garnering the other's attention fully. Behind them, Kise snorted at Kobori and Hayakawa's fight for the phone but silently made his way over to Kasamatsu.

"He did wake me up at three in the morning." The captain said as all explanation, his face taking a darker cast for a moment.

"Oooh." Everyone cringed in sympathy. It was again Moriyama who asked in a deceptively light tone. "And you haven't ditched his body in a river why exactly?"

Kasamatsu thrusted his elbow behind him, getting Kise right in the stomach as the model had been stretching over him to probably show him his goofy face or something. Kasamatsu didn't even acknowledge this fact even as his star player doubled over in pain and whimpered pathetically. "Oi, I'm not so bad!"

Moriyama rolled his eyes, feeling just the bit sorry for Kise. "Of course not, cap. " Hayakawa produced a sound that seemed like badly concealed laughter, but the others only smiled fondly at their strong, if oblivious, leader. But then Moriyama continued, mystified. "You really didn't get angry at him?"

"He did piss me off. That's why he's gonna get me something whether I guess it or not." Kasamatsu deadpanned making his team laugh again. He frowned at them in general. "If you're not gonna be of any help start training, geez!"

His team was jostled into movement, people standing up, stretching, finishing folding their clothes into their lockers. A couple of them exited, but the first stringers remained.

"If he's getting you something either way, why'd you show it to us?"

"I wanted to know what you guys thought. I refuse to give in just like that. I really don't get it." Kasamatsu replied bluntly, preparing to shuck his (recovered) phone into his locker to bring his friends to the court at last but their ace stepped up again with an ungodly amount of mirth on his face.

He snickered. "Try reading it out aloud, senpai."

He did.

His team then did a collective eye-roll, some of them just exiting the locker room without another word. He was sure someone had said they would commit murder or something like that, and Kise was half-hiding his shitty grin.

"So?" He asked, eager like a puppy. "Do you get it?"

Kasamatsu blinked, looked at his phone and back to his teammate. "No I do not." He said.

Kise started chortling.

"But that I do get," the captain said darkly, preparing his fist of Death.

Izuki's phone buzzes with a message. The Eagle lazily scoops it up, not even looking away from the TV, but when he unlocks it he almost spits out –whatever he had been eating– as he stared incredulously at the message from Kasamatsu.

"It was Mark. Now get me food."

He had gotten it! He had gotten the word play! Izuki could hear the angels singing and World Peace beginning because his dense friend had finally gotten a pun and now Izuki had a whole arsenal ready just for him, and now he'd be able to appreciate it and-

Another message crops up, breaking his illusion of a rose-colored future where he hung out with Kasamatsu and chanted pun after pun while Kasamatsu laughed at them heartedly-

"Sorry," it read. "Teammates tried to explain it but didn't understand. So I suppose I failed.

"But I did get the correct answer and you did wake me up at 3 AM, so you better be at Maji's this Friday. I want a burger. And a soda."

…

…

Kasamatsu: over 1000

Izuki: minus 5000

AN.

Did you thought I had forgotten about this story? Worry not, my readers. Every time I read a pun, I cringe and get reminded of Izuki and Kasamatsu.

It's been a while since I watched KnB, tbh wasn't even interested in the third season. Not sure why, I still like it and all. The main story simply lost its appeal for me.

But anyways! Not so many puns on here, even though I now have a great arsenal thanks to you guys (worry not, I have them all saved to use 'em for another occasion). It's a mix of thankfulness and cringiness. As of 8/4/17 I am still unsure why the fuck I thought this story was a good idea.

Also, my apologies for such a short chapter.

Btw, the pun-riddled-riddle was not mine, I found it on the internet. From a tumblr post I think, but the name was chopped off, so kudos to the original writer.

Hope you enjoyed, until next time!