I remember when Stan first told me he was gay.

I was 15 and I was over at Stan's house, spending the night. It was like 3:30 in the morning. We were just winding down from playing video games. I think a new game had just came out or something, I don't really remember. Anyway, I was really tired, I remember that. Stan and I were both laying in his bed, on the verge of sleep. I probably should have been sleeping in a sleeping bag or something but I remember that Stan didn't want me to be uncomfortable and claimed that "he didn't mind sharing."

I was finally about to drift off when I heard Stan say, as clear as day, "Dude, I think I'm gay."

Needless to say, I wasn't tired anymore.

My head snapped over in Stan's direction, "What?"

He slowly met my eye contact and swallowed. "I think I'm gay. Well, I'm pretty sure actually."

I sat up in his bed, "You're dating Wendy, Stan. You're not gay Stan."

Yeah, I fucking told my boyfriend that he wasn't gay when he tried to come out to me in the ninth grade. I know, I'm a moron. I just honestly couldn't believe it at the time.

Stan stared up at the ceiling for a while and didn't say anything. I had no idea what was going on his head. I was convinced that he was pulling some sort of joke on me, but damn, he seemed so serious. Probably because he was.

"I had sex with Wendy last week." He exhaled.

I met his gaze. "Dude," I breathed, barely audible.

He cringed and covered his eyes with his hands. "I know."

I couldn't stop looking at him. He had sex with Wendy. He had sex with Wendy. He had sex with Wendy. He had sex with Wendy. I couldn't stop picturing anything and everything that they probably did.

Stan broke my train of thought. "It was terrible. Like terrible. I always heard it's kind of awkward the first time but...holy shit Kyle, I was terrible at it."

He paused as if to let me speak but I said nothing and continued to stare at him intently.

"I-I seriously couldn't get it up. I tried. I wanted to have sex. Or I thought I did. But when it came down to the thought of actually doing it with Wendy, like actually doing it with with Wendy, I started getting really uncomfortable. I started to question why I always used to throw up around her. Is it really normal to throw up at the thought of kissing a girl?"

I looked away from him and focused on the pile of dirty clothes in corner of his room. "You were just a kid, Stan."

Stan ran his hands through his hair, "Still. It's not normal. Anyway… Wendy must have thought that I was nervous or something so...she sucked me off until I was actually hard. From there, she did most of the work."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked incredulously.

He sat up next to me and wrapped his arms around his knees. "Because...I don't know. You're my best friend? The point is, I'm gay."

He looked pretty shook up, like he hadn't told anyone this before and I asked him if he had. He said no but he looked like he was afraid that I was going to flip out on him any second.

"Stan?"

He glanced at me, "Yeah?"

"Did you break up with Wendy?" For some reason, I remember that this was the hardest question to ask. I guess I was afraid that he would keep dating her so people wouldn't find out he was gay. And I was even more afraid that they would have sex again.

"Yeah. I uh, broke up with her this morning." He laid back down in his bed and I found myself following suit.

We were quiet for a while after that.

I think it was around 4 in the morning when I heard a whimper coming from Stan. I turned towards him and found his eyes shimmering with tears.

"Dude?" I asked, concerned.

"Don't hate me, okay?"

I remember kind of laughing, "I'm not going to hate you because you're gay. You're my best friend." I poked him, "You're my super best friend."

He shoved my hand away and refused to make eye contact with me, "No. I, uh. I kinda, have a crush on you."

I remember that it felt like time stopped. Stan had a crush on me? The fuck? I'm a loser. Why would he like me? I geek out over shows and video game. I enjoy playing chess. I'm going to be on the debate team. The only remotely cool thing about me is that I'm on the basketball team and even that's not that impressive.

Then I realized that I no objections to the fact that I was a boy and that he was a boy. Like, at all.

That's when I freaked out. I didn't want to be gay. Gay kids get picked on. Gay kids get exiled. Gay people can't get married. Gay people are made fun of.

I think that's when Stan saw that I was breathing all crazy.

"Dude!" Stan shook me, "Calm down! You don't have to like me back or anything. You're fine."

I'm fine? No I wasn't fine; apparently I was gay and I didn't even know it! And then I remember I started thinking like, really dirty thoughts about girls because I really wanted to see if I was actually gay.

Sure enough I got a boner. So I wasn't gay after all. But why didn't the idea of dating Stan freak me out?

But Stan's bed wasn't that big back then. Stan noticed my erection almost as quickly as I did.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Stan gasped.

"It's not- it's not what it looks like!" I screeched and Stan slammed his hand over my mouth and hushed me.

"Shh! My parents are sleeping you know!"

"Sorry." I whispered, sheepishly and put my hands over my crotch.

Again there was a silence between us.

I took a deep breath, "So you like, like-like me?"

Stan kind of chuckled and smiled slightly at me, "Yeah dude, I like-like you."

I looked at his face and started to analyze it. His eyes were deep blue and sincere. His smile was genuine. He looked...sort of cute. Huh. I never looked at him like that.

My eyes got stuck on his lips. I was so use to seeing those lips being attached to Wendy's. I wonder what it would be like if my lips touched his. I reached up and ran my fingers over his lips.

Stan half laughed, "Kyle, what are you doing?"

Without thinking I blurt out, "Can I kiss you?"

And with the same amount of speed he said yes.

Slowly I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. I remember he tasted like pizza rolls. I also remember how soft he felt.

I squeezed Stan's arms that were around me as I thought back on all this. He snored in response. I glanced up at his clock on his nightstand; it read 4:03 am. I hugged onto his arms tighter. He moaned and pulled me closer to his bare body.

So yes, we did end up having sex.

He felt so warm and soft pressed up against me. When we're together like this, I feel complete.

Tomorrow I'm gonna confront fucking Wendy and set things straight. I might not know exactly what I am but I do know that I love him. And that will never change.