Hey, guys. I have NOT forgotten about this story, but I needed some time to think about who to continue it. I am really sorry for the delay.

I know that this is just a short update but I hope you like it anyway.

Enjoy,

T73.

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It's not like I have a death wish and it's not like I don't know that the stakes are high, but I want to end this, for my sake and for Maura's, and even for CJ's. And I know that I should have given Frankie or even Korsak a call but I also know that they would've tried persuade me out of my plan. And that they would have tried to convince me to come back to the BPD and finish my undercover operation, and that they'd to talk sense into me as soon as they'd get to know about my next steps, telling me that if I'd cross that line it would be hard for me to become my old self again if it'd be possible at all, and I would agree with them because I know that they are right, but there is one thing. I can't get over CJ's death and I'm sure that it wasn't just a tragic accident during an illegal street race. I'm sure that she had to die because it seeped out that she was working for an undercover cop, that she was befriended with a cop, with me. I am responsible for her death. If I wouldn't have urged her to help me one more time, she'd probably would still be alive. Her death is on me. That's why I'm about to do some stupid thing. Things that could end my career as a cop and probably my marriage, too. Things that are beyond the gray area, that's why I didn't tell Frankie and Korsak about it, and that's why I didn't tell Maura about it either. Maura is a good person and she would tell them about it the second I left our house, to keep me safe and from doing really stupid thing but I need to end this now, on my terms. I'm sure that even CJ will be turning in her grave but this case already caused enough dead people and every time we took a step forward, we took two steps back and at the end of the day someone ended up dead. Enough is enough, killing CJ was a huge mistake and it brought the worst in me to the scene. That part of me that I told myself to lock up inside me and throw the key away so this part of me could never again re-emerge because I am not this person at all.

Killing CJ has made me pick lock of the dungeon's door and to set this monster within me free. And even I am hardly able to control this beast. I only released it once and Korsak and Frost had to hold me back otherwise I'd rip the suspect's head off with my bear hands or even tear his throat open with my teeth. Or maybe I'd force my partners out of the interview room and look the suspect and me up in there for days and tortured him until he'd confess or die just like he did it with the twelve-year old girl he had raped and tortured. I probably would have taken as much time as he did with the little girl. Happily, Frankie and Korsak were able to get me out of the room before it was too late.

I once quoted Friedrich Nietzsche when Maura and I just got together. He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. I always thought that there is no saying that is truer than this one, and now I'm at a point where I'm afraid that I'll turn into one of those people I am supposed to fight. It's better that neither of my colleagues doesn't know about the snubnose revolver I borrowed from the evidence room. I know that I'm going way overboard but I don't care anymore. I also know that my wife, the love of my life, isn't able to tell a little lie, let alone lying about an evidence that should be nowhere else than in said evidence room. Don't get me wrong, I never tried to hide who took this damn gun. I filled in the form and signed it with my name, so no one else is to blame but me when this one is used even though it should be in BPD, and I'm going to use it if I have to.

As I already said, I'll cross lines I normally wouldn't but I don't give a fuck about my life anymore, I know that these decisions are going to break Maura's heart and that Korsak is going to be disappointed because of me and I will embarrass Frankie. After I am done, he will be the only Rizzoli child left who's having a clean slate.

Maura. Why is only her name making me slow down? I blink a couple of times like I'm coming out of my trance and I pull over to the shoulder, stopping with squealing wheels. I look at the snubnose revolver and reach out, taking my phone in my hand, unlocking it. I start to write a text to her telling her how much she means to me and how she changed my life, how much I love her but also that she shall not try to track this device. I write that I am about to do something really stupid and that I'm sorry for lying to her from the start. That she's the best thing that ever happened to me Telling her once again who much I love her. I swear, there are not enough words in this world to describe how I feel about her. I have to smile because I hear her disagreeing to that in my head.

I hit the send button and close my eyes because I know that this text must seem to her like my final goodbye, and maybe it is. Maybe I won't get the chance to tell all my feelings to Maura once again, maybe this morning it was the last time I have laid my eyes on her. I have to swallow hard because the last time I have seen her was this morning, naked, in our bed. I -

My eyes snap open as soon as I hear my phone buzzing and take it back in my hand, seeing my wife's name on the display. I take a deep breath and take the call. "Hey," I say as calm as possible and hear Maura sighing in relief.

I can tell that she is on the verge of tears because I hear her sniffling and she takes a little too long to answer. "Jane, where are you," she asks with a gasp.

I close my eyes once again. All I want to do right now is to be able to wrap my arms around her and tell her that I'm alright, that I'm alive and that we will sit on the couch tonight and share a laughter like we normally use to after we come home and had dinner. "I'm okay, Maura."

"Jane, would you please answer my question." She regained her self-control again because this time her tone is a little sharper.

I lick my lips and blink against the sun, narrowing my eyes a little because I know that she won't like my answer. "Maura, you know that I can't tell you that, Maura."

She's silent for a moment and inhales sharply. "Jane, you better tell me what is going on."

"Or what?"

"Or I show Korsak your text. You are aware of the fact that it more sounds like a suicide note than the display of affection. I am worried, Jane."

I drop my chin to my chest and shut my eyes once more. "I know, and I'm sorry about that, but I really can't tell you where I am, Maura. You know that it is for your own sake."

"Because you are working undercover again."

I clench my jaw and lie to her, "Yeah."

"Does Korsak now about it or is this only seeking revenge for your friend," she asks and I am silent for a moment. "She was just your friend, wasn't she?"

I open my eyes again and take a little too long, remembering the day CJ kissed me to keep my cover up, I also remember her swimming nude in the pool on her property when I got to know her in the first place, flirting with me unashamed while Frankie was there, too. It was the time I met to know Maura and when we started dating. I also remember that I wasn't looking at CJ's naked body when she climbed out of her pool and sauntered towards me. Sure, I risked a small glance and thought that she was an attractive woman but I also thought that Maura was more attractive and wondered in the same moment what she looked like underneath her expensive dresses. What she would look like in my bed, as naked as CJ was in that moment. I also remember that I told Maura that CJ has never been more than a CI and later a friend. That was my second lie. I run my free hand over my face and take a deep breath. "Maura -"

"So, you slept with her." My wife's voice is now taunting.

I shake my head even though she can't see me. "Maura, no."

"But you wish you would have even though we started to date."

I still shake my head and I feel a piercing pain in my chest. That has to be my heart breaking. "I never wanted to be with someone else since the day we met, Maura. She was trying to -" I trail off and swallow hard. "But all I could think of was you. Yeah, I am a liar, I started our relationship with a lie, but right now I am telling you the truth, baby. The day you bumped into me, I knew that you conquered my heart. The first time I laid my eyes in you I knew that I was lost, that I was in trouble, that I was falling for you. You know that I normally don't believe in love at first sight, but I was falling hard the moment you ran into me. You get the best out of me, Maura. No one else was ever able to do that." I clench my jaw and hope that my wife's still listening to me, that's why I say softly, "You're the best thing in my life, Maura. You changed me completely and my family loves you. I love you. But CJ … She wasn't just a CI, she wasn't just a friend. She was … she was like me."

"An undercover cop? Why haven't I heard about her?"

I roll my eyes and look up at the roof liner. "No, I mean she was like me. A daughter of hard-working parents who were trying to offer their children the best life possible. Just like my parents. That's what CJ and I had in common."

There is a tense silence and I know that Maura is mad because of I just said and I wish I could stuff the words back down my throat, swallowing them forever.

Maura sighs loudly. "And I am not working hard for my money?"

"Maura, that's not what -"

"Just because I am coming from a wealthy family we are not sharing the same planet? We are completely different. Is that why you think that we don't have the have equal rights?"

I close my eyes and swallow an annoyed groan. "That's not what I meant to say, Maura."

"What is it you meant, Jane?"

I heave a heavy sigh and shake my head once again. "Maura, I don't think that this is the right time for a fight."

Maura is silent for a moment and I can see her calming down again. "What are you about to do, Jane?"

I swallow hard and take a deep breath. "I will do things I could never do as a cop."

"Jane -"

"Don't try to persuade me out of it, Maura." I cut her off and furrow my brows. "You can't change my mind. All you need to know right now is that I love you from the bottom of my heart." I pause and relax a little. "And I am glad that you called me. I needed to hear your voice."

Maura's silent once again but then she says, "Just come home to me tonight. Promise me that."

I sigh loudly and close my eyes before the tears in them get the chance to fall. "I love you, Maura."

"I love you, too." She replies and I end the call before she gets the chance to say more.

I know that this is causing her heartache but I can't promise something I know I probably can't keep. I turn off my phone and start the engine again. I'm doing this not only because of CJ, I'm also doing this because of Maura. I didn't forget the car in our street that drove off the second I wanted to ask the passengers for whom they were waiting. They were threatening me and my family and they pushed me to this point.

I turn my car back on the street and set my jaw. I've never been more determined than today.

This is going to end today. One way or the other.