"You know I love you, Donna."

The reality, the finality of it all hits you the moment the glass door quietly clicked shut behind her, your heart wrenching as your eyes are fixated on her retreating figure. You are suddenly surrounded by silence, your own thoughts rendered speechless as you struggle to find the ability to formulate an explanation of what had just happened. How had everything gone so fucking wrong in the space of a day?

This is why you shouldn't have said anything, this is why you haven't said anything for the last fifteen years. You always preach that life is nothing without its risks, and as you take your biggest risk to date, it punches you square in the nose, whilst simultaneously ripping out your heart and throwing it out of the 50th floor window. But let's take a second to be serious here, a heart? Are you even able to feel emotion? Do you even know how to love? You're quite possibly the most emotionally stunted person in existence, and until now, that never really bothered you, after all, emotion only made you weak.

And God, were you right.

You blindly drag yourself from your desk, across the room towards the only thing that has any hope of numbing the sinking feeling that is consuming you- scotch. You pour a finger, and then another, downing the liquid as if you were lost in the desert and had just found a source of water. Your head begins to spin slightly, your limbs relax and as your mind starts to cloud, a wave of nonchalance washes over you.

Screw her.

She asked what you meant when you told her you loved her, and for once in your goddamn life you didn't shoot back some sarcastic comment, or comeback to deflect the situation, you just...told her. You fucking told her. You've never openly muttered those three words to anyone outside of your immediate family before, even with Scottie you found a way to tell her how you felt without actually saying it. The thing is, Donna knows that too, she knows better than anyone, and yet she thinks you're pitying her for almost going to jail.

Did the thought of Donna going to prison for 10 to 15, scare the absolute shit out of you?

Damn right it did.

But did that make your feelings for her any less real? No.

If anything, the thought of her imprisonment hit you like a freight train.

You aimlessly glance around the now abandoned floor, the clock on your wall telling you its a little after ten at night. Pursing your lips together in a tight line, a split second of clarity tells you that you should have run after her, caused a scene if you had to, but she was probably half way across the City by now...

Or celebrating her newfound employment with Louis...

Fucking Louis.

How did that even happen?

Okay, so Norma died, and the post opened up, but Donna? Seriously? She had promised to never leave you, and as she muttered the complete opposite to you earlier, Mike's previous betrayals didn't even compare to what you felt then, to how you feel now.

The hours tick by as the scotch runs out, and whilst you're half tempted to sneak into Jessica's office and polish off the bottle you know she has in her desk drawer, you realize that it's perhaps not the best idea in the world for the rest of the firm to walk in in a few hours and see you blind drunk, passed out, with your tie wrapped around your neck like a noose.

It's time to go home.

It's too late to call Ray, and you don't really live that far away, the walk will do you good...

Four blocks down and you want to kill whoever constructed Manhattan in a grid system, the good for nothing smart asses. Your legs feel like led, your mind is swimming in what you can only presume is pure Scotch. After all, you've consumed so much you're pretty damn sure there's nothing else to you. As your apartment building comes into view you find yourself swallowing a phantom lump in your throat, a flashback entering your mind of the day you picked out this apartment. Well, you say it was you, but everyone knows it was Donna.

She loved the place, chatting animatedly about all the possible ways to decorate the rooms, how the open floor plan would be perfect for this rug she had seen online, and as you smiled in amusement, merely nodding along with everything that seemed to be running from her mouth, you unknowingly and silently wished that maybe she could turn that into a reality. One day your place could her place too. It was a farfetched and ridiculous thought, but it was one that was tattooed into the forefront of your mind every time she would come around.

Your hands fumble for the keys, slipping through your fingers as you let yourself into your home, the quiet hum of the air conditioning radiating throughout the space. You let your suit jacket mindlessly fall from your body into a crumpled heap on the floor, $3000 laying on the ground as if it were nothing. Your tie follows quickly, dangling precariously off the back of your chair, and your shoes haphazardly kicked into the darkness. You let your body fall onto your bed with a thud, a sharp pain coursing up and down your back as you wince, instantly regretting your decision. But you don't make any effort to move. Seconds pass and the pain is almost soothing, counteracting the nausea that's beginning to set in. For the first time in your career you think, even though it's only for a few seconds, that perhaps you should just not show up tomorrow, have a day off.

You deserve it.

You could go play tennis, go for a drive upstate, hell you could do anything you goddamn wanted to.

And coincidentally you wouldn't have to see Donna and watch as Louis rubbed her in your face, perfect.

But you don't take the day off, in fact you're early, two steaming hot coffees in your hands, a paper bag filled with her favorite pastries hanging from your mouth. The logical half of your brain is laughing hysterically at your delusion, as if a coffee and a croissant would make up for everything, as if she would come running into your arms over that. But the irrational portion held out on a small speck of hope, afterall, who knows what can happen after having the chance to sleep on last night's events. You double take when you notice a head of bright red hair sitting across from Louis' office, your blood boils instantly as your fists clench tightly around the paper cup, the steaming coffee exploding into the air, splattering against your crisp white shirt.

"Fuck" you mutter to yourself, the burning sensation against your skin, a dull pain in comparison to the crushing feeling in your chest as you watch her busily type on her computer, unaware of your presence.

She wasn't lying when she said she was leaving you.

She's gone.

Your eyes flicker to what's left of your breakfast and with a sigh you discard it into the nearest trashcan, you are already over today and its barely even started.

You shut yourself away, ignoring the various incoming calls as you bury yourself in the most challenging case you can find, but your eyes keep darting back to the vacant desk, the intercom light on your phone, off.

"What the fuck!?" You're knocked out of your daze as Mike bursts through the door, his eyes wide, mouth open in a mix of shock and disbelief "Donna's..." he's about to tell you, but your face tells him that you already know. "Shit" he mutters, shaking his head "What the hell happened?"

You don't answer simply because you don't have one, but as the young lawyer narrows his eyes at you, he laughs, attempting to lighten the mood "you didn't get down on one knee or tell her you loved her or anything, right?"

You slam your laptop shut, jumping to your feet, ready to vent all the pent up anger and frustration onto Mike, but he cuts you off before you have the chance. "Oh my god, you did?"

"Leave" you spit, turning towards the glass windows "go and do something useful before I replace you with another mindless associate and give your ass to the bar association."

You watch with expectant eyes as Mike thinks over his next move, part of you wants him to stay and make another sarcastic comment, because god knows you need the emotional punch bag right now, but as he scurries off you cant help but silently praise the kid for making the wisest decision of his day.

Your day drags by slowly, and even though your workload has somewhat doubled in the absence of Donna, you're bored. You never truly realized until now, the influence she had on your day, on your life. God, what was your life even like before her?

You are out of the office doors at six, your eyes fixated on your exit as you bypass an unimpressed managing partner, her mouth open in a mixture of awe and confusion. But you don't give her the opportunity to question you, the sooner you're out of the building the better. You exhale loudly as the fresh air hits your skin, your shoulders slumping by your side as you gaze around the busy street surrounding you. The night holds so many opportunities, you could hit a bar, get wildly drunk and have mindless sex with any woman you fancied. It would take your mind off her, not to mention release the built up frustration that has caused your muscles to seize in a constant state of tension. But the thought of taking some leggy blonde home and throwing her against your bed and fucking her sensless didn't excite you like it should, it only caused your brows to furrow.

You find yourself on the E train heading downtown, your mind blank as you aimlessly stare at the strangers sitting opposite you. You don't fit in, your suit jacket alone is worth more than the entire carriages clothes, but the unfamiliar faces are a welcome sight, a far cry from the smug face of Louis Litt.

You let out a small laugh as you enter the diner, surprised that it had failed to change in the decade since you last stepped foot in there. The worn red leather booths, the dingy lighting, the dated server uniforms, all brought back memories of the day you almost had it all. The day you almost had it all, but instead you offered her a job, a job that she accepted on the condition that you pushed the night you had spent together out of your mind, forever. You nurse a cup of coffee and a piece of pecan pie as your mind drifts off, trying to make sense of the 'what if's' that were floating around your head.

What if you had never offered her a job?

What if you guys had actually gone on a date? Or become a conventional couple?

Would you still be together now? Would you be married? Have kids? Would you be happy?

You thumb swipes right continuously as you look at the various photos in your phone, your lips curling into a small, barely-there smile as her face fills your screen, her smile causing your stomach to flip and sink. You pause as a photo from the last office party pops up, a photo of Donna mid-laugh, head thrown back in glee as the worlds most beautiful cobalt blue dress hugged her body to perfection. You weren't the sentimental type, and you'd never admit it out loud, but if that image was the last thing you would ever have the opportunity to see, that would be okay with you. You're snapped out of your donna induced day dream as your screen changes, Mike's name flashing across it as it vibrates in your hand. "Goddamn kid" you mutter to yourself, your eyes rolling towards the ceiling.

"What?" You don't bother with a hello, and you hear him letting out a shaky breath on the other end of the line, anxious.

"I..." He stumbles over broken syllables and you know exactly why he's calling you.

"What have you done?" you let out dejectedly, your voice emotionless as you struggle to find the slightest speck of energy to sound annoyed.

Letting out a huff as the elevator doors pinged open you quickly glance at the deserted 50th floor, your eyes rolling back as you mentally scolded Mike for being so goddamn stupid. Had he not messed up what should have been nothing more than a simple contract signing, you would be home, relaxing by now. But no.

No, instead you find yourself back at work at 9pm on a Friday night. Today couldn't get any worse if it tried...

And then it does.

Her hair is the first thing you notice, bright, fiery, cascading over her shoulders, her back towards you as she bends over her new desk, mindlessly stapling some papers together. You silently peer into Louis' office, he's not there.

You gulp harshly as you curse out your quickening pulse, your palms sweating against the fabric of your suit pants. When did you turn into a thirteen-year-old girl?

"You know it's rude to stare." You're knocked out of your daze at the sound of her voice, her back straightening as she stares at you from the reflection of Louis' office walls. You open your mouth to talk but words fail you. "The great Harvey Specter lost for words, who knew."

She busies herself with her stack of paper as you take a few steps towards her, your lips twitching as you fight the urge to say something, anything.

"Donna" You reach out for her, desperate to feel her against you, after all she could just be an illusion, a figment of your imagination. As your fingers graze against her arm she retreats, ripping herself away from you as if you scolded her, her face turning red with anger from your invasion of her space.

"No Harvey." Is all she says, and you think that after nearly two days of not talking to one another, she could have chosen better words to say to you, but then again, it's nothing more than what you had expected.

"Donna..." Her name falls off of your lips and you're instantly taken back to the last time you saw her, calling her name as she left you, alone in your office.

"Harvey" she breaths "Just leave it?" She's trying to dismiss you in the most polite way that she can, and even though you are fully aware that you are receiving the cold shoulder, you're not about to give up.

"Donna." You say her name more firmly and her eyes roll "Donna."

"Harvey, leave me alone." she tells you slowly and deliberately, as if you were stupid. You're rendered speechless for a second, as she decides that that means you've surrendered. She turns to walk away, throwing her auburn hair over her shoulder. No, you are not going to let this happen again, she does not get to do this to you again.

"Donna Paulsen don't you dare walk away from me" the words leave your mouth like venom, your hands clenching into fists by your side. She stops, her back straightening as her head tips towards the ceiling, she's composing herself.

You watch motionlessly as she spins on her heels slowly, her face hard, eyes narrowed as she stares down at you as if you were a child who had been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. "You lost the right to tell me what to do the moment I stopped working for you Harvey."

"Just..." you sigh, shoulders slumping, this was it, this was your chance, probably the only chance you're going to get to prove to her how you feel. "Hear me out?" Your tone softens, one octave away from pleading and she knows. "Just give me two minutes."

Donna closes her eyes momentarily, fighting off the angel and devil on her shoulders, before nodding "Fine, speak."

You look around, the corridor of your law firm perhaps isn't the most ideal place but as she narrows her eyes further and her hands move to her hips you decide that the corridor will do. Here goes nothing. "When I told you I loved you, I meant it. It wasn't out of pity or guilt and it certainly wasn't out of obligation..." You inhale deeply, a fluttering feeling erupting in the pit of your stomach. "Donna, I love you. I am in love with you."

The silence is excruciating as you wait for her response, her expression unfaltering, her eyes barely blinking "Why?"

You furrow your eyebrows together, confused. "What do you mean, why?"

"Why do you love me?"

"Donna..."

She puts her hand up to silence you, giving you a pointed look, it was her turn to talk and your turn to listen. "No Harvey, I want to know why. Why is it that for the past decade and a bit, we have been on this fucked up rollercoaster that from the outside looks like nothing more than a burning train wreck, and now all of a sudden you're going all Tom Cruise on the Oprah show on me?" You open your mouth to speak, but she continues "What's changed?"

"Nothings changed" you reply all to quickly and her face falls in quick succession, you've said something wrong.

"I don't have the energy to play games Harvey, I physically can't take anymore."

"I've always loved you Donna" you admit to her and yourself for the first time out loud. "From the first time I saw you in that goddamn bar, I was hooked. I bided my time, hoping that my outrageously unsubtle comments may open your eyes but they never did. And God, when we both left the DA's office and spent the night together I thought I had won the lottery. Your goddamn stupid rule was no longer relevant, we could give it a go."

Donna's backed herself against the wall for support, her chest heaving ever so slightly, her stern expression struggling to maintain itself.

"When you told me to forget about that night and what had happened, I was pissed. How the hell could I just forget a night like that? How could you just forget a night like that? There was no way in hell you could just walk away from us like that, but I accepted your shitty terms because having you as a friend was far better than not having you in my life at all. See that's the thing with you Donna..." You close your eyes "You have this amazing ability to worm your way into someone's life and dig your claws in. The thought of not having you in my life was a thought I couldn't comprehend. It still is. So you can tell me that I don't love you all you like, but you don't even know the half of it."

"Harvey..." She whispers, her bottom lip quivering ever so slightly.

"You are the most unapologetic, frustratingly stubborn woman I have ever met." Her mouth falls open slightly as she sucks in a breath "You are the only person who has ever had the balls to call me out on my shit, to put me in my place. You are the only one who gets me, the only one who has figured me out. I'm an ass most of the goddamn time, but you make me a better man. I could spend hours trying to tell you all the reasons why I love you, because you are truly the most amazing person I have ever met, Donna. Yes, work and this firm is my life, but you are my home."

"Shit" she muttered barely audibly, a stray tear falling from her eyes "fuck you Specter." Her lips curl into a slight smile "I think I prefer it when you act like an ass, I can't handle this emotional side of you. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just go grab you a tampon."

You roll your eyes and smile, that's the Donna you knew and loved. "Says the one who's crying."

"Allergies."

"Bullshit." You counter, raising an eyebrow.

"So you love me?"

You nod curtly "Yes."

"You know it only just occurred to me that we don't work together anymore?" she said with a wink, quoting an all too familiar line Harvey used on her all those years ago.

"That didn't just occur to you..."

"You're right" she smiled "it didn't"

"So..." You try and keep the conversation going, but you're afraid that if you presume something, you might ruin everything once more.

She arches an eyebrow as she takes a step towards you, her eyes darting over your shoulders making sure nobody else is around before bringing her mouth to your ear. You can feel her hot breath fan against your skin and you do all in your power to not shiver at the feeling. "Take. Me. Home."

You gulp harshly, suddenly feeling a little hot under the collar as you simply nod, your thoughts so scrambled you lose the ability to form a coherent answer, she laughs. Your body jolts as she wraps her hand around your wrist, dragging you down the hall as you stumble over your own feet "You know, tonight's not really good for me, I had a Law and Order marathon lined up, can we do this another night?" you joke as the elevator doors ping open. She rolls her eyes at you, shrugging slightly as she backed into the metal box.

"You know I always had a suspicion that your knowledge of the law was based on fictional television shows. Not quite sure I love you anymore..."

You feign shock as you cock your head to one side, your eyes narrowing as you entered the elevator just as the doors shut behind you "Wow" you shake your head "and here I was thinking that you loved me for my dashing looks and top notch personality"

She wraps her arms around you, fitting against you like a puzzle piece as your body relaxed, a wave of content washing over you as her eyes found yours

"Oh no, it's purely for the holiday home in the Hamptons. As soon as you start to lose your looks I'll be trading you in for a younger model."

"And who says I wont beat you to the punch and trade you in for a better model?"

She throws her head back in laughter as the doors open on the ground floor "oh honey, you're not fooling anyone. I'm Donna, there is no one better."

So... I've been gone for like... 4 months. That's pretty shit of me. I'm sorry. University was so full on I was in a constant state of breakdown. I don't think I even slept for the last 2 weeks of it. But I've finished forever, I am rested and I am good to go. So you know. hit me up with some love and I'll update Baby be mine in the next couple of days! Alright! xo