TEARS DRY ON THEIR OWN

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a sequel to my previous fic "Love Is A Losing Game". I guess it'll make more sense to those who read it before.

It's a Susan/Abby fic (just to be clear).

In ER timeline it takes place after the final season (15) but you'll realize that "old" characters are still around at County. Simple reason: I'm not a fan of the period between season 12 and season 14 and couldn't care less about the characters that were introduced in between.

DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television. No copyright infringement is intended.


"My name is Abby and I'm an alcoholic".

She discreetly slid her sweaty palms down her jeans and made sure to avoid eye contact with anyone in front of her.

It was a group of maybe twenty souls and she knew all their stories by heart. Abby was skeptic about the program effectiveness and most of the mantras irked her. But the acceptance in the room was palpable and today had been the first time she'd felt the need to open up to them.

Dozens of eyes watched her curiously and she nodded "I've been sober for 42 days, since I was invited to stay over...", she smirked and the room filled with laughter - it boosted up her confidence and she continued.

"Abby, I don't recall you sharing before...", the group's counselor smiled and gave her an encouraging nod.

Abby fumbled with the hem of her shirt "Yeah... huh, I figured I had nothing new to say... I mean, we all know why we're here. We screwed up...".

Discreet chuckles echoed around her and she rose her eyes to her audience for the first time since sitting in that chair "I'm terrified I won't get my life back".


It had been just another day at County with swamped halls, leaking toilets and a crowd waiting in chairs.

Frank handed her a pile of post-its before throwing himself at another donut some drug rep brought in "Your mother called again, she said it was important. Oh, and Dr. Lewis also called and asked you to pick up the dry cleaning. And I'm not your personal assistant!".

Abby looked around, uncomfortable that Morris, Weaver and three med students were in the earshot. "Thank you, Frank", she replied between clenched teeth before grabbing another chart from the rack.

Kerry Weaver eyed up the board and tried to sound casual "I read Susan's article in the last EM Journal. Some solid conclusions she got there...".

Abby smiled "Yeah, I'm so proud of her. I don't know how she does it... juggling everything". She contemplated calling Susan back but figured she'd still be in class; on that note, she decided not to call Maggie until she got home.

Frank glanced at Weaver and muttered "Not good enough for County...".

Weaver dismissed him with a pointed glare and he cleverly went back to his business. Small talk wasn't Kerry's forte but she liked Abby Lockhart. Since Abby and Susan became public about their relationship, she felt herself rooting for them, even if her relationship with the blonde doctor was never as easy as the one she had with Abby. She regretted some of her past behavior towards Susan - she was a fine physician and a decent person but Kerry felt somewhat threatened by her. Susan had been popular among the staff, could talk to anyone, whereas Kerry never felt she was loved by them. Even if she dismissed it as petty juvenile jealousy on her part, it hurt her that people would still ask Abby how Susan was after all that time.

After being denied tenure at County because she didn't bring in enough funding and didn't publish enough, Susan was hired at Northwestern as ER Chief and Associate Professor of Emergency Medicine at University of Chicago.


Weaver never admitted that Carter's millions were the reason she got passed over at tenure, but she couldn't get her to stay either even after he renounced his tenure spot when he left for Africa. By then, Susan's pride was hurt and she wouldn't have stayed even if Kerry Weaver had begged her to.

But she wasn't expecting that anyway when she knocked at her office door after what would be her last shift. "Do you have a minute, Kerry?", she entered without waiting for an answer.

Her decision was made.

Weaver gave her a startled look "Huh, Susan. Sure".

Susan let her letter drop on her desk triumphantly "This is my two weeks notice".

The redhead retreated on her chair, taking a deep breath in "Susan... you know that tenure spot is still available...".

"Thanks, but no thanks", Susan smirked. "I am handing in my resignation today because, for some time, there were some... difficulties that I wasn't sure how to address...", she stopped when she realized she didn't know how to phrase what she meant.

Then she shook her head and her nerves away "I feel I can't continue as ER chief because I am romantically involved with someone who's under me. A resident. And... I don't want to hurt their career...".

Susan realized she was hiding behind neutral pronouns and that Kerry Weaver still looked oblivious.

"Abby's a very capable resident and I don't want to ruin her chances of getting an attending position here just because she's with me".

The look on Weaver's face as realization hit her was something Susan Lewis would never, ever forget.

She guessed it was only second to that time when Carter snuck that strap-on in her locker.

Susan felt bad for letting the animosity from way back take over, but she deserved that fucking tenure spot in the first place and Weaver knew it.

"So this is my resignation, I'll get you all the residents reports by next week and I'll email you the final budget for the next semester", she said, unable to stop herself from smiling.

Kerry was dumbfounded and oddly embarrassed "I...didn't expect this. I see you already made up your mind... Where are you going?".

Susan stood up and took her stethoscope resting around her neck, sliding it carefully into her lab coat pocket "I was offered tenure at Northwestern", she beamed with pride.

Weaver's lips turned into an almost straight line "Congratulations, Susan".

Susan nodded and made her way to the door, stopped when she heard Weaver's voice.

"You'll be missed, believe it or not".

Susan didn't bother to look back.


When Abby got home after picking up the dry cleaning and some groceries, Susan was in the kitchen and the boys were already in bed.

Susan took the groceries from her hands, leaned to kiss her hello but just from her somber face, Abby knew right away that something was wrong.

She led her to a chair with a reassuring hand on her back "Take a seat, baby" and by then, Abby was already on the edge "What's going on?".

Susan sighed and as soon as she took her hand, her eyes welled up "Your mother called. Something happened... Eric... I'm sorry...".


"So my baby brother that I had tried to protect my whole life just decided that life wasn't worth it anymore... he took his own life two years ago next spring and something died inside me too...".

Abby's vision became blurred and only when she saw the track of her tears on her shirt she realized how much she'd been crying. Her nose was running and someone handed her a tissue. She spotted some of the people in the audience wiping at their eyes too and strangely she didn't feel so exposed.

"So I started drinking on my breaks, at work, trying to quench the pain away... I'd fill bottles of water with vodka and hid them in my locker... I can't keep doing this to my family. I miss my children so much... it hurts... I want to be able to hold them and pick them up from school...", Abby realized she was sobbing but it didn't stop her.

"I want to be there for their graduation... I hope I still have a chance to keep my family together... My partner... I hope she can forgive me...".

Abby smiled when she recalled how excited the boys were in their Skype session last evening, showing her the goldfish Susan got them. Susan looked exhausted and she hated herself for being miles away from home, stuck in this fake bubble of protection.

"She brought all but love to my life and, for a year, all I did was lying to her...", Abby all but whispered.

The counsellor cleared her throat and spoke up "Thank you for sharing, Abby " and the room erupted in applause.

When Abby stood up she couldn't feel her legs but, to her own surprise, her chest didn't feel so heavy for the first time in weeks.


Abby insisted she was fine. She could see Susan's worried expression in the mirror but decided to ignore it. Susan chewed at her bottom lip "I'm worried about you going back to work so soon...".

Abby snapped "Stop babysitting me! What do you want me to do? Sit on my ass all day being miserable?!".

Susan looked at her feet and Abby regretted her words immediately, but kept getting herself ready.

She stopped on her tracks when she saw Joe at the door looking at her with a trembling lip, Mark hid behind Susan's hip.

Abby kneeled down next to Joe "Hey buddy, I'm sorry I was yelling...".

The little boy looked at her with questioning eyes "Are you fighting?".

Abby felt small and swallowed the knot in her throat "No, baby... I'm not fighting with mom... I was just upset because I'm late for work, that's all. I'm sorry I scared you".

Susan cleared her throat "Okay boys, go pick up your coats" and she smiled at them reassuringly.

She didn't turn back but Abby stopped her, hugging her from behind "I'm sorry... I can't stay here... I need to get back to work...".

Susan turned in her arms and stroked her cheek "You know you can talk to me... I love you. Talk to me".

Abby nodded but she never did.


The first days were actually great because Abby managed to keep busy and would not think about Eric during shifts. She'd run traumas, check intern orders, mentor med students. Rare slow shifts would be spent in the lounge where she could deal with her charts.

"Hey there...", Neela smiled before making a beeline for coffee, fixing herself a mug.

Abby didn't raise her eyes from the charts so Neela prodded "How you doing?".

She closed her eyes for a moment, rubbing her forehead as if clearing her own thoughts. She was tired of people tiptoeing around her, asking her how she was. She wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves and leave her alone. But Neela was a friend and she knew she meant well.

"I'm fine... just keeping busy", Abby shrugged.

The younger doctor didn't seem very convinced but didn't pursue it further. She checked her cell phone and both kept quiet until Haleh stormed in "GSW to the head, ETA 3 minutes!".

They grabbed gowns and sterile gloves and went to the ambulance bay, the approaching sirens could be heard above the city buzz.

Neela looked at the sky "I hope it doesn't pour, I took the El...". Abby didn't answer and gestured at two med students to follow her.

When the paramedics rolled the patient in and she started her assessment, she froze when she saw the patient's disfigured face, blood clots and grey matter pouring out of his ears.

He was a thirty something guy. Just like Eric.

Her head started spinning around and she couldn't breathe.

Abby lost her balance but felt someone catching her before she hit the floor.

When she regained consciousness, Luka was checking her "Pupils equal, round and reactive... Welcome back". She tried to unhook herself from the monitors but he stopped her "You fainted. You're staying here for at least an hour", he said while signing her chart.

Abby shook her head "I'm fine, Luka. My sats are fine, it was just low blood pressure. I skipped breakfast...".

"I ordered a CBC and a Chem-7. I'll release you as soon as we get the results, ok?", he cocked an eyebrow and smiled when Abby deflated in frustration.

After Kovac left, Abby had all but five minutes of indisrupted rest before Morris came in with a bottle of champagne under his arm.

"Abby, how are you?", he said looking genuinely worried. Then he grabbed the bottle and handed it to her "Mr. Portillo, that ankle you reduced? Made me promise I'd give this to you".

Abby pointed at him to leave it next to her gurney and tried to persuade him to discharge her.

"My pulse ox is fine, my sats are good, I'm fine...", she whined.

Archie patted her arm "Nice try Abs... I'll see you later".

When her labs came back normal and Luka finally let her go, she grabbed her lab coat, her stethoscope and her bottle of champagne. Instead of going to the lounge she found herself in the elevator.

In the roof, she uncorked the bottle clumsily and drank from it until she gagged on the bubbly liquid.

Abby only stopped when the didn't feel the chilly air anymore.