title: i don't believe in fairy tales (but i believe in you and me)
summary: twenty lives blue and gansey didn't get to live and one they did.
pairings: gansey/blue
warnings: incest at one point, character death
notes: title is from wonderland by natalia kills. this is basically just 20 short bluesey aus and then one canon at the end. i was inspired by other similar fics i've seen. anyway, bluesey has ruined me and taken over my life and it's marvelous and horrible and i hate and love them.
disclaimer: I don't own anything.

one.

Adam is his best friend. She is Adam's wife.

It can't ever happen but it doesn't stop him from staying up late at night and imagining her petite, slender body next to his.

He feels like the worst person in the world.

two.

Blue's mother runs a more-or-less successful psychic shop at 300 Fox Way and although she's very good at reading other people, she has no true otherworldly powers to take credit for. Neither do any of her sisters or half-sisters or nieces or friends.

When Blue meets Gansey, she has kissed boys before (two boys before) and it hasn't been very interesting to her. When Blue meets Gansey, she has no idea what her mouth can do to him.

three.

Adam rarely asks for favors so when he hints at the fact that he needs a plus-one to take to his friend's wedding, (someone he met at college, someone prominent and rich beyond belief, so someone important) who is she to refuse? Blue wears a lilac colored gown from one of her own creations and Adam looks quite handsome by her side, dressed in an impeccable black suit tailored just for him. (You make a lovely couple, everyone says, including the groom himself. Thank you, Adam answers, neither denying nor confirming the assumptions.)

He spends the whole night obsessing over his ex-boyfriend and his new partner, and she drinks a little too much to dull her boredom. Four hours and countless glasses of champagne later, she looks at the groom and thinks, "Damn, he's handsome." Then she shakes her head and blames it on too much alcohol consumption.

A guy like that is too rich and too pompous for her style. She can't imagine a life where she'd ever marry someone like him.

four.

Whelk presses his gun to Gansey's temple by the roadside, nothing but the night and moon and stars for miles. Gansey doesn't beg. He reasons. He talks and presents facts and logic to dissuade someone who would not be dissuaded. The words don't even reach Whelk's ears and Gansey doesn't think to fight back.

Whelk's finger trembles on the trigger but there's determination in his eyes. The crickets sing louder. The wind picks up in silent protestation. Gansey looks up to see a star shining directly above him. No one is coming to save him, he knows, and he does not save himself.

Whelk pulls the trigger.

five.

Pearl Harbor rocks the country to its foundations and suddenly they're at war. Men are called in daily to leave behind their old lives and fight for their home at the fronts. Every day, Blue hears horror stories from wives and neighbors and friends whose husbands and sons and brothers had left for war and never came back again.

It takes less than half a year for Gansey to get an official letter from the government as well. She refuses to say goodbye out of pure stubbornness and he just smiles and kisses her like it might be the last time. (It leaves a bittersweet taste in her mouth she won't forget for years to come.) Then he promises to come back as soon as he can and write as often as he can and she chokes back tears and a sob as she waves at him while the train slowly pulls away from the station. She stands there for minutes long after the train is out of view to gather herself. It isn't goodbye, she tells herself, not yet.

Two months later she writes to him with news of her pregnancy and five months after he goes missing in action. She holds onto hope for a long time to come, even after the war is over and they've won and the soldiers come home permanently. She thrives on stories of miraculous returns after years of captivity in a foreign unforgiving country, but Gansey never comes back and Blue never finds out what happened to him.

Their daughter has his eyes and his smile, though, and that is somehow enough to keep her going.

six.

In a world where there are no curses, just sleeping kings and magical forests and ley lines, they stand under the starry night with Henrietta beneath their feet and it's a beautiful sight but all he sees is her mouth. All that stands in their way is Adam.

He knows he shouldn't, couldn't, but he remembers her hand on his neck and her fingers against his mouth, and he says, begs, really, "Just once, just once."

She looks relieved that he asked, relieved that she didn't have to. A breathy "yes" barely escapes her mouth before they're both leaning in to close the dreadful distance between them, lips on lips, chests against chests, palms on waists, fingers in hair.

It won't be just this once.

seven.

If Blue knows one thing, it's this: she wants nothing to do with any raven boys, ever. Not with her alleged true love, not even with handsome Adam and certainly not with the intimidating snake boy. So she does not give Adam her number and decides to return Gansey's journal at the reading and then she never sees them again. She's better off this way, she assures herself and believes it, even if she sometimes wonders what could have happened if she'd chosen a different path.

Seven months later, the papers report about the unfortunate and tragic death of a certain Richard Gansey III, a student of Aglionby Academy, a boy with a promising future. She attends the funeral out of minor guilt but makes herself small and invisible. She watches his family cry and his friends grieve and when Adam catches her eye by accident, she gives him a tiny, apologetic nod.

She wonders if she could have saved him by choosing a different path or if she would have only broken her own heart too.

eight.

In this universe, by some strange magic, the last words of your true love are engraved in black ink on your left wrist, a cruel reminder of what you will eventually lose.

All her life, Blue has been simultaneously annoyed and sickened by the words on hers. She knows about the kiss curse, she knows there is one thing she can never experience with her true love - and that is kissing him. But apparently, even the knowledge of her poisoned lips does not stop her or him from doing it anyway.

She curses her future self for being so stupid and vows to do everything differently. She takes to covering her wrist with various thick bracelets and shawls because she cannot stand to feel the ghost of grief she hasn't experienced yet every time she looks at the words in black.

Blue, kiss me.

nine.

Blue stays in Henrietta for as long as she absolutely needs to finish high school and tries to stifle the sense of something missing, of wanting something more the whole time. Then she goes to community college, which is better than no college at all, and tries to do the same there.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Gansey stays in Henrietta in search of Glendower for a long time. Adam gives up and leaves for college after the end of high school and Ronan stays by Gansey's side until a car race gone wrong. Noah eventually fades. It is just him then and his long lost sleeping king he can't find.

They never meet.

ten.

Gansey couldn't tell you when it began, just that he's seventeen and completely in love with her.

Helen would be disgusted. His mother would probably have a heart attack. His father, an amicable man, might just actually disown him. But it doesn't stop him from sneaking into her room at night when everyone but them are asleep and kissing her standing in the dark, then on the bed, then eventually under the covers.

Blue doesn't want to stop either and that is good enough for him to keep going. If and when their parents find out, they will, at least, disown them both and so they will still have each other, no matter what.

eleven.

Blue has known all her life that she's attracted to girls in a way other girls aren't.

For starters, there's her curse: if you kiss your true love, she will die. The pronoun is quite specific; there's no way to miss it.

Then there's watching TV and thinking to herself, "wow, she's pretty" instead of "wow, he's handsome." Seeing a couple walk hand in hand down the street and her eyes lingering on the girl.

There's her affair with Adam, however short-lived, and then there's Gansey with her pretty mouth and kissable lips and nice eyes.

Gansey, now, in the shelter of her car, just the two of them, fingers intertwined, cheeks pressed against the other's, lips not touching.

Blue tries to control her breathing as Gansey trails her fingers up her neck, tangling in her hair. She presses closer, burying her face in Gansey's shoulder.

Because of the specifics of her curse, Blue's pretty sure she could kiss boys, kiss any boy she wants to, and never have to worry about it. But the thing is, she doesn't want to kiss boys. She doesn't want to kiss anyone besides Rachel Gansey and that will be the end of them both.

twelve.

Glyndwr is starting to annoy her.

Sure, it had been sweet at first and though she would never admit, Blue was undeniably touched when he first sent her flowers – she never had a secret admirer before – but after two months of anonymous gifts and letters, she's starting to wonder if Glyndwr is ever planning on exposing his identity. She's starting to wonder if he's a she or if he's younger or god forbid, older.

Or perhaps he's just really insecure.

Her mother and aunts know. She knows they know – how could they not, a house full of psychics, - but no one would tell her who he is. Something about respecting his wishes to stay anonymous and letting him gather the courage to eventually come to her himself. Blue always just scoffs and walks away from the conversation. At least, she supposes, it means her secret admirer can't be a thirty year old pervert. She doubts her family would allow that to go on.

Then one night she has a shift at Nino's when a boy who usually goes there with his group of friends comes in and asks for a table for one. He sits in a corner and takes out a book. The title of it catches Blue's eyes and she gasps because she doesn't believe in coincidences.

Owain Glyndwr and the Last Struggle for Welsh Independence

thirteen.

Maura Sargent stands in the foyer of the Gansey mansion, a suitcase in one hand, her daughter's hand in the other, guilty apologies and grateful thank yous gushing out from her mouth in equal quantity.

Mrs. Gansey smiles elegantly. "It's alright, Maura," she says for the fourth time with the same uncompromised patience, "I don't mind looking after Blue. Dick will keep her company, won't you, Dick?" She smiles down at her son who's partially hiding behind her legs, holding onto her skirt with two hands.

He glances at Blue who's wearing a rather frightening glare for a four-year-old, then looks back at his mother and nods uncertainly. Blue glares some more.

Both Mrs. Gansey and Maura pretend not to notice. Maura says, "Thank you so much, Eleanor. I'm sure Blue will enjoy herself and I'll be back in three days, tops."

At this point, Blue looks up at her mother with an outrageous expression and tugs on her hand. "But Mommy, I don't want to stay here." Her voice is a whine; angry and authoritative. "He has a stupid name."

Mrs. Gansey continues to smile even as Dick's eyes go wide and buries his head in his mother's skirt. Maura scolds her daughter and makes more apologies as she hurries out the door. After she's left and Blue continues to stand there on the same spot, arms crossed, lips twisted into an ugly scowl, Dick whispers into the material of Mrs. Gansey's skirt, "She's scary." Blue hears because her frown deepens and only then does Mrs. Gansey allow herself a small sigh.

It should be a busy three days.

fourteen.

Her curse has made her wary of physical contact. This is what happens when you grow up knowing that your mouth is a deadly device, shaped for murder.

Anyone you kiss who is not your true love will die.

She has never dared to test it out, nor was it particularly advisable. She's lived with psychics long enough to know that the impossible is possible and there's no reason why her mouth can't be fatal. She's just not sure her true love is a real person, that there's someone out there who would be immune to her poison. She's not sure she would even know who they are if she met them or if she would risk being wrong about it. What if she met someone she believed to be her true love but she turned out to be mistaken? An innocent person could die.

Blue tried not to think about it too much because the idea that she could be completely free around someone, without the constant nagging worry that any moment she may accidentally kill them, seemed too good and too naive to be true. Fairytales were not her thing.

Then she met Richard Gansey III.

fifteen.

In this universe, when Blue meets Gansey, he's been dead for seven years and counting. It isn't hard to tell, with him not eating, not sleeping and just straight up disappearing at random times. He's not as present as the living but present enough that Blue falls for him.

It's stupid and irresponsible and not sensible at all, - and it's entirely possible that she's only setting herself up for heartbreak – and although him being dead should hinder any blooming romance between them, it does not. Gansey is alive in a way he has never been before and Blue is beginning to understand why people in love act like fools. She's quite a fool as well, they both are, she muses as she runs her fingers through his hair and presses her lips against his, but they're not going to stop anytime soon.

Even if it will ruin them both.

sixteen.

Blue doesn't usually have one night stands but in the low lights of the bar with several glasses of vodka in her veins and his pretty eyes looking down at her, it feels like the best idea in the world to go home with him. He's obnoxious when he talks but he's physically attractive so she cleverly presses her mouth against his to shut him up and he turns out to be a really good kisser. Things progress on their own accord from there.

In the morning, she sneaks out without a word while he's still asleep. She never even got his name and by next week, he's just a forgotten face.

seventeen.

Blue makes the unfortunate decision to choose dare while playing truth or dare with Noah and really, she should have known better. He gets that mischievous look in his eyes and his lips curve into a wicked grin and he says, "Ask Richard Gansey III to prom," possibly because he's the most pretentious boy at school and Noah knows she hates him with a burning fiery passion.

"What? Now?" is her spluttering, angry response because it's seven pm on a Friday night.

"Of course not," Noah assures her, "On Monday at school."

Blue hoped he would forget about it. She thought he wasn't serious. She definitely thought Richard Campbell Gansey III wouldn't say yes to her anyway and the only thing she would achieve is humiliate herself.

But somehow, for reasons unfathomable to her, Gansey, with wide shocked eyes, gave her a stupidly bright smile and agreed to go to prom with her. Blue, for more reasons unfathomable to her, couldn't bring herself to tell him it was just a silly dare and she didn't actually want to go to prom with him.

"It's a date," he says and Blue wonders, with a slightly nervous gulp, what she's just gotten herself into. She is going to kill Noah.

eighteen.

Blue has known her entirely life that she would have to marry Prince Richard of Wales one day, despite never actually having met him, and she is not happy about it.

"You're a Princess," her mother, Queen Maura always used to say when Blue would complain about how cruel it was that she didn't get to choose her husband, that she didn't even get to meet him at least, "and Princesses marry Princes."

Blue couldn't argue with that even if she still thought it to be unfair. She would marry the prince when the day came but she didn't have to like it.

Prince Richard, she thinks to herself as she stares at a portrait of him, the only evidence she even has of his existence, I promise I will never love you. I promise.

nineteen.

Blue's avoiding Gansey. The only reason she even decided to attend this stupid reunion was because Noah pressured her to come until she, predictably, relented. Now he's disappeared somewhere and she's attempting to both converse with old high school classmates and watch out for Richard Gansey out of the corner of her eye.

Meeting your first love for the first time in five years after telling him that you did not think your love was strong enough to survive going to different colleges was awkward enough as it is. Meeting said first love who you are not sure you ever got over is even more awkward.

Blue doesn't know what to say to him or how to act around him and it's just better to stay out of his way altogether.

He catches her eye anyway, standing by the punch, talking to Adam Parrish, and there's no hesitance on his part when he raises his left hand to wave at her enthusiastically and grandly, the same old Gansey she's always known.

The movement allows her to see the gold band on his ring finger and she waves back much less eagerly. He's married then.

She takes a big gulp of her champagne.

twenty.

"I don't really like your roommate," Blue admits honestly as soon as the subject of her distaste leaves the room, as if Adam needed her to say it aloud to know.

They've been dating for three weeks and she's been to his apartment before but coincidentally, today was the first time she met Gansey.

He's made quite a poor impression on her.

"He's a good guy, I promise," Adam tells her and she scrunches up her nose. "You'll grow to like him."

She sincerely doubts that.

twenty plus one.

In this life, it's just the two of them and the storm and his rain spattered shoulders and her tears and a kiss that can't happen without taking a life.

She's so so afraid and so so ruined, even now, with Gansey still intact, his fingers touching her cheek, his forehead pressed against her own. She takes in huge heaving breaths and he begs her to kiss him because this is the only way this was ever going to go.

She wants to both throw herself at him and never let go and hit his chest repeatedly and plead that he reconsiders.

Instead, she takes his face in her hands and leans closer and just hovers there for a second, breathing him in. She counts his breaths, one, two, three, four, - and she wants to say a million things, all starting and ending with I love you and please don't, but she doesn't. What she does is choke out a final broken, "please," and allow her lips her first and last taste of him because this is the only way this was ever going to go.

A heartbeat later he's gone.

I have a lot of feelings about thirteen and I might actually turn into a longer fic? If anyone's interested? I find the idea of young Gansey and Blue adorable. He would totally be intimidated by her but try to impress her nevertheless and ALSO, I think in this universe he'd start referring himself to Gansey as opposed to Dick or Richard because he has never forgotten that she called his name stupid (and probably continued to tease him about it until he decided to go by his last name).

(Also might do a fic for eleven once I'm done with finals. It's basically just everyone as girls. Raven Girls. Lesbian Bluesey and lesbian Pynch. Yup.)