So, I sat down to write my If/Then story, and … this came out instead. I've put it in the Wicked section just because WoO fans would probably send witch hunters after me if they saw this! As my first attempt at parody, this is either really funny … or really horrible. You decide.
Enjoy!
Wizard of Oz Parody – the Castle Scene
Witch: What a nice little dog! Actually, your dog is creepy, but whatever. Just give me the frigging shoes!
Dorothy: No! Give me back Toto, you old witch!
Witch: Old?! I'll have you know, my pretty, that my twenty second birthday is just next month. Not that I'm planning on a big celebration, but still.
Dorothy: Oh yeah. You're pretty. But … Glinda said bad witches were ugly.
Witch: Right. And Glinda is just a fountain of truth!
Dorothy: Well, she did tell me that you stole something from her!
Witch (shocked): You know about Fiyero?
Dorothy: Who's Fiyero?
Witch: Um … no one! I think I'll lock you in here now!
Dorothy: No! If you do, I'll … I'll throw a temper tantrum!
Witch: Oh, I'm so terrified. Toodles! (she leaves)
Dorothy: WAAAAAAAAH!
Witch: SHUT UP! I can't hear myself think! Geez, kid! Seriously, were you raised in a barn?!
Scarecrow: Hey, baby!
Witch: Gaaah! What the HELL are you doing here?!
Scarecrow: Just here to see my … honey!
Witch: Are you high?!
Scarecrow: Uh-huh. On you.
Witch: Oh my God. Only Fiyero could be that corny.
Dorothy: LET ME OUT OF HERE!
Witch: WHAT PART OF "SHUT THE FUCK UP" DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!
Scarecrow: I've got a plan!
Witch: Oh, great. What is the world coming to?
(They talk surrupticiously. Meanwhile …)
Dorothy: That wicked old witch! I don't care if she's the Dancing Queen, only seventeen, she's still an old hag in my book! Ooo, look! A diary! (she reads) "I spent the journey to the Gilikin Forest marveling at just how lucky I was. This was Fiyero Tigulaar, Glinda the Good's fiancé, and he wanted me. I don't mean to be all romantic and mushy, but there are literally no words to describe that first kiss …" Oh! That's who Fiyero is!
Witch: What are you doing?! That's mine! Give it!
Dorothy: I know who Fiyero is! Ha ha!
Witch: Oh, very mature. Okay, um, right. See this? This is an hourglass thingy. And when it empties, um, you die! That's it.
Dorothy: BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Witch: Honestly, kid. You've cried, like, five times since you've been here. I have to go clean my ears out.
Monkey: Lady Glinda here to see you, ma'am.
Dorothy: MISS GLINDA! HELP ME!
Witch: For Oz's sake, BE QUIET! Um, tell Glinda she can go to hell.
Monkey: Ookaay …
Witch: Actually, don't tell her that. Tell her I'll be out in a few.
Monkey: Yes, ma'am.
Dorothy: Miss Glinda's here to rescue me.
Witch: Keep dreaming! My relationship with Blondie is none of your damn beeswax, and that hourglass is still going, so you're going to die soon. I can't wait forever to get those shoes, so yeah. Bye. (she slams the door)
Dorothy: Oh, Auntie Em! I'm sorry if I was annoying! Especially at that Sunday picnic. But now I'm locked up in a castle owned by a crazy green lady who's obsessed with ruby slippers! It sucks!
Aunt Em: Dorothy! Where the hell are you?! Your uncle and I are trying to rebuild, and we're struggling without your help! So get back here, young lady!
Dorothy: BUT I CAAAAAAAAN'T! THE WICKED WITCH HAS ME HOSTAAAAAAGE! Aunt Em, don't go! Please!
Witch: You wanna see your Aunt Em?! And your Uncle What's-His-Name-Again?! Then get those shoes off your feet!
(Dorothy sobs uncontrollably until …)
Tin Man: Yo, Dorothy, it's us! Your homies! Are you in there?
Dorothy: Yeah! What took you guys so long?
Tin Man: Why don't YOU try and break into a wicked witch's castle?!
Dorothy: Oh yeah.
Tin Man: Stand back. I'm gonna bust down the door in one blow! Watch.
Scarecrow: You do realize that the chick you're trying to impress is, like, ten, right?
Tin Man: So? (he busts down the door) Boo-yah!
Dorothy (rushing out): Oh, Toto! You got away! You saved me! Good dog!
Lion: What are we, chopped liver?
Dorothy: Oh, you guys are awesome too! Now let's get the hell out of here.
Lion: Amen!
(They run aimlessly around until the Witch catches them in another tower.)
Witch: Ha ha! You can't escape me! I am the greatest villainess of all time! Who was Cleopatra?
Soldiers: Nobody!
Witch: Who was Maleficent?
Soldiers: Nobody!
Witch: Who was the Queen of Hearts?
Soldiers: Nobody!
Witch: Who's the wickedest witch in the world?
Soldiers: Elphaba! Elphaba!
Witch: Who's the evilest sorceress in this wonderful world?
Soldiers: Elphaba! Elphaba! The cruelest witch in the world!
Witch: Mrs. Thropp's little baby girl!
Soldiers: The Wizard's enemy!
Witch: Just little old me!
Scarecrow: Okay! You're evil! We get the point! Now, can you, like, kill us or whatever?
Witch: Well, excu-use me! I was TRYING to be dramatic! But, who am I to turn down a good kill? Why don't you go first, Scarecrow?
Dorothy: Ha! You can't kill him! He's made off straw!
Witch: Shut up! Oh God, I can't do this. Wait, yes I can! How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
Scarecrow: Oh no! The Wicked Witch has set me on fire! Somebody save me! Like, oh I don't know, WITH THAT BUCKET OF WATER THAT I HAVEN'T NOTICED UNTIL RIGHT NOW!
Dorothy: Right. (she throws the water) Hey-yah!
Witch: What the HELL have you done?! I'm MELTING!
Dorothy: Really? I had no idea! But that's cool!
Witch: Cool?! It's cool that I'm DYING?! Oh, what a world! (she disappears into the floor) It's really quite filthy down here.
Scarecrow: Oh! That was … a ghost! The ghost of the castle! But yay, the Witch is dead!
Lion: Oh my God. I need to go to therapy for the rest of my life.
Dorothy: That makes two of us.
Tin Man: The Scarecrow's right, guys. The Witch is dead now. It's all good.
Dorothy: Yo! Can we have the broom?
Soldier: Of course! You're awesome! That Witch was so annoying! Always forcing us to back her up in various ridiculous musical numbers.
All: Ain't nobody that mourns the wicked!
Hope you liked this! If/Then coming soon.
Cheers,
Elle Dottore