Me: TO VICTORY!!!!
(A huge army of Socks, gloves, and hand puppets led by Angel-chan sock and Raziel sock attack an equally large army of evil socks led by the Popeland the Sock who now likes to be called Nemesis)
Me: hello! Its time for the last chapter of this parody..... sniff.........I think I'm going to cry......oh no I was wrong. Anyway its an extra long chapter because......am.......well because its longer than the other chapters. Enjoy
Now where'd I leave my flame-thrower?..........
Introducing
Soul Reaver-The "Just leave me die!" edition
(Raziel discovers entrance to the Oracle's cave Raziel)
Raziel: The Oracle's Cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred... you have to wonder how it occurred if the cave is blocked by a giant door which can only be opened by turning a sundial that can only be turned by a band of spectral energy.
Moebius played the role Micheal Knight in Knight Rider, stirring his pot of visions while dispensing enigmatic predictions about the location of the villain super secret base. But behind this film career was Moebius the Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless manipulator with the power to bend time. Since his murder at Kain's hands centuries ago, these caves have stood vacant...due to the fact that when any vampire bought it, they tended to go back in time and kill there human selves, which then leads to there human selves as being raised as vampires who would then travel back in time and kill there human selves...... errr... I'm confused... luckily something like that would never happen to me...
though, like Moebius himself, they are rumoured to be only a facade for a much larger, more elaborate complex...
I sensed that Kain was here... and at that moment, I would have plumbed the depths of hell to find him.
(Suddenly there is an explosion and the devil appears)
The Devil: I'll take you up on that offer
Raziel: WHAT?!!! NOOOOOOOooooooooo.........
(after an eternity of fixing sinks and toilets in hell Raziel is returned to Nosgoth)
Raziel: I had to say Plumb the depths of hell didn't I?!! Why couldn't I have said Clean the floors of a local supermarket?!!!
(Raziel enters the oracles cave and comes across a statue of Moebius)
Raziel: This, I deduced, must be the man himself -the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the impressive figure I had imagined from Kain's boasted exploits... although I had come to doubt the man was 1 hundred feet tall and could shoot lasers from his eyes. And yet, even this cold image radiated a certain undeniable power... just not one that would imply he could fly like Kain had always claimed
(Raziel finds a portal which shows Raziel reviving after Kain had executed him)
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable age... What trickery is this?
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a glimpse into the currents of daytime T.V itself.
(Suddenly the portal changes to a picture of the elder god)
Portal Elder God: New in town? Just arrived after an eternity of torture? But don't worry, because
You are worthy
You are worthy of the new Nosgoth Gold Card!!
Your background is of no concern to us!
Sick and tired of all those other expensive credit cards?
Well apply now for the Nosgoth gold card for a guaranteed flat rate of 2.3% APR!
Yes 2.3% APR!!
Call 1005-SQUID for your card now!
Raziel: ......?
Elder God: Ermmmmm..... you probably should ignore that
(Raziel walks down to the next portal shows Raziel's discovery of the Tomb of Sarafan)
Mortainius voice: Yes its eveyones worst nightmare
To be raised from the dead to serve under the one thing you despised
But worry no more! Introducing the new...
Impenetrable crypt!!!
Its been tested against everything, explosions, meteorites, earthquakes and hurricanes!
Nothing can get in or out!
So call now at 1850-SAVE-ME-FROM-THE-ANTI-THESIS
Raziel: These apparitions torment me... little has been said of the terms and conditions
(Raziel comes across the third portal which shows Soul Reaver being shattered during the confrontation between Kain and Raziel)
Kains voice: Are you sick and tired of your indestructible weapon exploding when you need it most?
Well fear no more! Introducing the new, all purpose
Knitting needle of death!!
This knitting needle can not only be used for every known stitch but it can also be used to destroy your enemies!!
(Returns to Raziel confronting Kain, but this time Kain is armed with a giant knitting needle which he uses to cut Raziel in half)
Buy now and receive your very own Heart of Darkness! For all your vampiric restoration needs!!
All this for the price of 19.99$!! call now on 1850-VAE-KNITUS
Raziel: Impossible - this must be one of Kain's deceptions... no one can offer so much for the low,low price of 19.99$....
(The next portal shows Raziel confronting Kain at some future time, in an unfamiliar setting)
Raziel: My mind reels with conflict... does Kain await me moments from now, or in some century yet to come?
Moebius Voice: Yes time is a confusing thing
But I have the answer!
The new Wonder Watch!!
This watch has been officially time streamer approved! A must have for any regular time traveller!
You may get lost millions of years in the past but know you will know exactly how many millions of years!
All for the astounding price of 34.55$
Hurry,This madness most end soon!
(Another portal shows Raziel striking Ariel down with the Soul Reaver)
Malek voice: *sigh* it's a sad thing to see
But the truth is a circle guardian is lost nearly every century
This pointless slaughter can be avoided but we need your help
Please donate kindly to the "Save the Circle" Foundation
We take money, armaments, soldiers, heavy artillery... anything you can spare
Help save our worlds circle guardians!......... except Kain
Raziel: ........ er........ right
(Another portal, which is mercifully the last shows shows Raziel armed with an enhanced Soul Reaver, its blade writhing with intertwined black and red energies)
Bane Voice: This man was once a boring plain man.With a simple blue wraith blade attached to his arm... But no longer!!
He can now stand tall with his new red and black wraith blade
We at Bane, Anarcrothe and DeJoule image and design consultants changed his life and we can help you too!
Tired of your right arm? We can change it into a horrible mutated tentacle!
We also do landscape! Boring old ornamental pond? How about a lake of fire and brimstone!!
Call 5167-AH-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-THAT! Its just that easy!
Raziel: Red AND black?!! Now that's stylish.
(After having worked his way down into the depths of Moebius' complex, he comes across the Chronoplast chamber)
(Kain steps out of the shadows)
Kain: At last. I must say, I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you would be here sooner...and with a cake of some sort. Tell me - did it trouble you to murder your brothers?
Raziel: Did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?
Kain: Are you still going on about that?!!! Come on that was ages ago! Stop living in the past!... and I knew you'd be alright because I knitted a big scene showing it all
Raziel: Lies. You cannot have knitted all of this.
Kain: Stitching is relentless, Raziel.
When I first stole into this chamber, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of knitting. To know the jumper Raziel... to see its wool and seams tracing out into the infinite... As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden stitches... But each of us is so much more than we once were...well you're a bit less due to the lack of a stomach and jaw... anyway Gazing out across the planes of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like really boring people who take up a hobby which takes control of their entire life? As long as a single stitch stands, we are scarf... That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can do so with a clear heart...
Raziel: .....what? why are you talking about knitting? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOU KEEP MUTTERING ON ABOUT KNITTING!!!
Kain: These chambers offer insight for those patient enough to look - in your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre-ordained paths. My path just happens to include knitting.
Free will is an illusion.
Raziel: I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed.
Kain: HEY! I was young and I didn't know what I was doing!!
Raziel: ......am... I meant about transforming a Sarafan priest into a vampire..
Kain: oh...that secret... One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and his enemies very far away in a hole at the other side of the word or even closer...
Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We are the same - Sarafan and vampire. Except that they were human an totally against vampires.. so really that means we're totally different. When you think about it that way it makes no sense. Damn... still who better to serve me than those who at the slightest chance will try to kill me..
Raziel: I will not applaud your idiotic blasphemy. The Sarafan were saviours, defending Nosgoth from The Joker and the corruption that we represent. My eyes are opened, the problem is I have no eyelids so I can't close them now. Kain - I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse.
Kain: You may have uncovered your past and talked about it completely accurately of the last 10 minutes, but you know nothing of it... You think the Sarafan were noble, altruistic? Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.
Raziel: to make a mint that is both chewy and minty?
Kain: no our other agenda....
Raziel: world domination?
Kain: Yes!
Raziel: These apparitions and portents... what game are you playing now?
Kain: Yes I have sold your entire life story for use in adds!
Raziel: This blasphemous act will not go unpunished!
(Raziel attacks Kain)
(After Raziel lands his third and final Soul Reaver attack, Kain throws the final switch, and materialises in front of the star portal)
Kain: You nearly had me, Raziel...
Raziel: how did I nearly have you?!! I hit you 3 times!
Kain: Yeah but......Shutup........anyway this is not where - or how - it ends. Eidos promise more twists before this drama unfolds completely.
(As he finishes speaking, he turns and runs through the star portal. Raziel prepares to follow)
Elder God: Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you are beyond my influence...
Raziel: WOOHOO!!!
(Raziel leaps through the star portal)
Elder God: ...... wait a minute did I say beyond my influence? I meant still under my influence. Damn... ah who cares we'll cut that later
(After Raziel steps through the portal, he comes to a mysterious room with an infinity symbol on the floor. A moment later, Moebius steps out of the darkness)
Moebius: Raziel... Raindeer and destroyer... fawn and messiah. Welcome, tin-canned soul... Welcome... to ... This Is Your Life!!!! ......oh sorry I mean...destiny...
Moebius:Where Time is but a loop,
A loose stitch in the universal cloth,
A Streamer might seize upon a chance, a fatal slip -
And plunge the fate of planets into chaos...
Kain: What do you mean a loose stitch?!!! What are you accusing me of!!!
Moebius: I just meant... AHHHHH STOP HITTING ME!!!!
(The picture shows a desolate battle field. Scraps of cotton and wool litter the area. Nothing is alive........... well except for a huge party of celebrating socks, gloves and hand puppet, but apart from that nothing is alive)
Raziel sock:... And then there were 50 socks all around me! *Hic* an I just killed em all!!
Angel-chan sock: of course you did... I think you've had enough washing powder..
Raziel: SHUTUP YOU!! I'L TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! ....... *gulp* heheh...I'm sorry.. I didn't mean that.....AHHHHHH!!! SAVE ME!!!!
Me: So that's the end of this parody
I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed!
Oh and if anyone had a favourite scene or line from the parody could they tell me what it was.
Right now I'm thinking about writing a soul rever 2 parody but I'm not sure if I will at the moment
So anyway
THANKS FOR READING THE PARODY!!
(A huge army of Socks, gloves, and hand puppets led by Angel-chan sock and Raziel sock attack an equally large army of evil socks led by the Popeland the Sock who now likes to be called Nemesis)
Me: hello! Its time for the last chapter of this parody..... sniff.........I think I'm going to cry......oh no I was wrong. Anyway its an extra long chapter because......am.......well because its longer than the other chapters. Enjoy
Now where'd I leave my flame-thrower?..........
Introducing
Soul Reaver-The "Just leave me die!" edition
(Raziel discovers entrance to the Oracle's cave Raziel)
Raziel: The Oracle's Cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred... you have to wonder how it occurred if the cave is blocked by a giant door which can only be opened by turning a sundial that can only be turned by a band of spectral energy.
Moebius played the role Micheal Knight in Knight Rider, stirring his pot of visions while dispensing enigmatic predictions about the location of the villain super secret base. But behind this film career was Moebius the Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless manipulator with the power to bend time. Since his murder at Kain's hands centuries ago, these caves have stood vacant...due to the fact that when any vampire bought it, they tended to go back in time and kill there human selves, which then leads to there human selves as being raised as vampires who would then travel back in time and kill there human selves...... errr... I'm confused... luckily something like that would never happen to me...
though, like Moebius himself, they are rumoured to be only a facade for a much larger, more elaborate complex...
I sensed that Kain was here... and at that moment, I would have plumbed the depths of hell to find him.
(Suddenly there is an explosion and the devil appears)
The Devil: I'll take you up on that offer
Raziel: WHAT?!!! NOOOOOOOooooooooo.........
(after an eternity of fixing sinks and toilets in hell Raziel is returned to Nosgoth)
Raziel: I had to say Plumb the depths of hell didn't I?!! Why couldn't I have said Clean the floors of a local supermarket?!!!
(Raziel enters the oracles cave and comes across a statue of Moebius)
Raziel: This, I deduced, must be the man himself -the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the impressive figure I had imagined from Kain's boasted exploits... although I had come to doubt the man was 1 hundred feet tall and could shoot lasers from his eyes. And yet, even this cold image radiated a certain undeniable power... just not one that would imply he could fly like Kain had always claimed
(Raziel finds a portal which shows Raziel reviving after Kain had executed him)
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable age... What trickery is this?
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a glimpse into the currents of daytime T.V itself.
(Suddenly the portal changes to a picture of the elder god)
Portal Elder God: New in town? Just arrived after an eternity of torture? But don't worry, because
You are worthy
You are worthy of the new Nosgoth Gold Card!!
Your background is of no concern to us!
Sick and tired of all those other expensive credit cards?
Well apply now for the Nosgoth gold card for a guaranteed flat rate of 2.3% APR!
Yes 2.3% APR!!
Call 1005-SQUID for your card now!
Raziel: ......?
Elder God: Ermmmmm..... you probably should ignore that
(Raziel walks down to the next portal shows Raziel's discovery of the Tomb of Sarafan)
Mortainius voice: Yes its eveyones worst nightmare
To be raised from the dead to serve under the one thing you despised
But worry no more! Introducing the new...
Impenetrable crypt!!!
Its been tested against everything, explosions, meteorites, earthquakes and hurricanes!
Nothing can get in or out!
So call now at 1850-SAVE-ME-FROM-THE-ANTI-THESIS
Raziel: These apparitions torment me... little has been said of the terms and conditions
(Raziel comes across the third portal which shows Soul Reaver being shattered during the confrontation between Kain and Raziel)
Kains voice: Are you sick and tired of your indestructible weapon exploding when you need it most?
Well fear no more! Introducing the new, all purpose
Knitting needle of death!!
This knitting needle can not only be used for every known stitch but it can also be used to destroy your enemies!!
(Returns to Raziel confronting Kain, but this time Kain is armed with a giant knitting needle which he uses to cut Raziel in half)
Buy now and receive your very own Heart of Darkness! For all your vampiric restoration needs!!
All this for the price of 19.99$!! call now on 1850-VAE-KNITUS
Raziel: Impossible - this must be one of Kain's deceptions... no one can offer so much for the low,low price of 19.99$....
(The next portal shows Raziel confronting Kain at some future time, in an unfamiliar setting)
Raziel: My mind reels with conflict... does Kain await me moments from now, or in some century yet to come?
Moebius Voice: Yes time is a confusing thing
But I have the answer!
The new Wonder Watch!!
This watch has been officially time streamer approved! A must have for any regular time traveller!
You may get lost millions of years in the past but know you will know exactly how many millions of years!
All for the astounding price of 34.55$
Hurry,This madness most end soon!
(Another portal shows Raziel striking Ariel down with the Soul Reaver)
Malek voice: *sigh* it's a sad thing to see
But the truth is a circle guardian is lost nearly every century
This pointless slaughter can be avoided but we need your help
Please donate kindly to the "Save the Circle" Foundation
We take money, armaments, soldiers, heavy artillery... anything you can spare
Help save our worlds circle guardians!......... except Kain
Raziel: ........ er........ right
(Another portal, which is mercifully the last shows shows Raziel armed with an enhanced Soul Reaver, its blade writhing with intertwined black and red energies)
Bane Voice: This man was once a boring plain man.With a simple blue wraith blade attached to his arm... But no longer!!
He can now stand tall with his new red and black wraith blade
We at Bane, Anarcrothe and DeJoule image and design consultants changed his life and we can help you too!
Tired of your right arm? We can change it into a horrible mutated tentacle!
We also do landscape! Boring old ornamental pond? How about a lake of fire and brimstone!!
Call 5167-AH-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-THAT! Its just that easy!
Raziel: Red AND black?!! Now that's stylish.
(After having worked his way down into the depths of Moebius' complex, he comes across the Chronoplast chamber)
(Kain steps out of the shadows)
Kain: At last. I must say, I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you would be here sooner...and with a cake of some sort. Tell me - did it trouble you to murder your brothers?
Raziel: Did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?
Kain: Are you still going on about that?!!! Come on that was ages ago! Stop living in the past!... and I knew you'd be alright because I knitted a big scene showing it all
Raziel: Lies. You cannot have knitted all of this.
Kain: Stitching is relentless, Raziel.
When I first stole into this chamber, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of knitting. To know the jumper Raziel... to see its wool and seams tracing out into the infinite... As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden stitches... But each of us is so much more than we once were...well you're a bit less due to the lack of a stomach and jaw... anyway Gazing out across the planes of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like really boring people who take up a hobby which takes control of their entire life? As long as a single stitch stands, we are scarf... That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can do so with a clear heart...
Raziel: .....what? why are you talking about knitting? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND YOU KEEP MUTTERING ON ABOUT KNITTING!!!
Kain: These chambers offer insight for those patient enough to look - in your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre-ordained paths. My path just happens to include knitting.
Free will is an illusion.
Raziel: I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed.
Kain: HEY! I was young and I didn't know what I was doing!!
Raziel: ......am... I meant about transforming a Sarafan priest into a vampire..
Kain: oh...that secret... One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and his enemies very far away in a hole at the other side of the word or even closer...
Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We are the same - Sarafan and vampire. Except that they were human an totally against vampires.. so really that means we're totally different. When you think about it that way it makes no sense. Damn... still who better to serve me than those who at the slightest chance will try to kill me..
Raziel: I will not applaud your idiotic blasphemy. The Sarafan were saviours, defending Nosgoth from The Joker and the corruption that we represent. My eyes are opened, the problem is I have no eyelids so I can't close them now. Kain - I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse.
Kain: You may have uncovered your past and talked about it completely accurately of the last 10 minutes, but you know nothing of it... You think the Sarafan were noble, altruistic? Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.
Raziel: to make a mint that is both chewy and minty?
Kain: no our other agenda....
Raziel: world domination?
Kain: Yes!
Raziel: These apparitions and portents... what game are you playing now?
Kain: Yes I have sold your entire life story for use in adds!
Raziel: This blasphemous act will not go unpunished!
(Raziel attacks Kain)
(After Raziel lands his third and final Soul Reaver attack, Kain throws the final switch, and materialises in front of the star portal)
Kain: You nearly had me, Raziel...
Raziel: how did I nearly have you?!! I hit you 3 times!
Kain: Yeah but......Shutup........anyway this is not where - or how - it ends. Eidos promise more twists before this drama unfolds completely.
(As he finishes speaking, he turns and runs through the star portal. Raziel prepares to follow)
Elder God: Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you are beyond my influence...
Raziel: WOOHOO!!!
(Raziel leaps through the star portal)
Elder God: ...... wait a minute did I say beyond my influence? I meant still under my influence. Damn... ah who cares we'll cut that later
(After Raziel steps through the portal, he comes to a mysterious room with an infinity symbol on the floor. A moment later, Moebius steps out of the darkness)
Moebius: Raziel... Raindeer and destroyer... fawn and messiah. Welcome, tin-canned soul... Welcome... to ... This Is Your Life!!!! ......oh sorry I mean...destiny...
Moebius:Where Time is but a loop,
A loose stitch in the universal cloth,
A Streamer might seize upon a chance, a fatal slip -
And plunge the fate of planets into chaos...
Kain: What do you mean a loose stitch?!!! What are you accusing me of!!!
Moebius: I just meant... AHHHHH STOP HITTING ME!!!!
(The picture shows a desolate battle field. Scraps of cotton and wool litter the area. Nothing is alive........... well except for a huge party of celebrating socks, gloves and hand puppet, but apart from that nothing is alive)
Raziel sock:... And then there were 50 socks all around me! *Hic* an I just killed em all!!
Angel-chan sock: of course you did... I think you've had enough washing powder..
Raziel: SHUTUP YOU!! I'L TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! ....... *gulp* heheh...I'm sorry.. I didn't mean that.....AHHHHHH!!! SAVE ME!!!!
Me: So that's the end of this parody
I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed!
Oh and if anyone had a favourite scene or line from the parody could they tell me what it was.
Right now I'm thinking about writing a soul rever 2 parody but I'm not sure if I will at the moment
So anyway
THANKS FOR READING THE PARODY!!