A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am

I tried so hard

Thought I could do this on my own

I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole

I've come undone

But you make sense of who I am

You touch the deepest part of me

The places I could not save

Just tell me why I'm so dark inside

Somewhere, I will find

All the pieces torn apart, you just left behind

For Kagura, happy birthday

Hello everyone! I know it's been a while but if you're still familiar with this fic I have to say I'm impressed and kinda moved, too. This is an apology for all the time it has taken me to do this, but the truth is that I'm lacking inspiration and motivation to finish this fic. I've moved fandoms (even tho Okikagu is still my ultimate OTP and I'm keeping up with Gintama) and I don't know how to finish this fic right now. I can't just do things that I'm passionate about half-heartedly and to finish Pieces in any way but as it deserves would be betraying me, my most precious fic and the people who have been waiting for and end. When I started writing Pieces I was so touched by the movie and Feeling the Void by Aeneid that I just couldn't not write about it. I will someday end this fic (that's a personal goal of mine) but for now allow me to apologise for the delay and the wait with some facts about the fic that were never written and with what I had thought about regarding the end (a special present, too)

Like I have stated above, Pieces started out of my own need to write something involving movie Okikagu and all the chemistry they've always had. I had also turned 18 back then and I was like, I'm finally legal enough to post smut lol because that was what I wanted to write the most; not just sex, but two people who loved each other to pieces but couldn't be with each other in any other way but in the most carnal way out of stubbornness, because of their current circumstances and so on. I was also planning on writing a full chaptered story but I know myself and I knew that I would have never finished it (I lack perseverance, I'm aware of it and here we are). I didn't have the details or an specific outline either, so what I decided at last was to just write the moments I had already thought of and keep going from there, and that was how Pieces was born.

Okay, now onto new content, these are the prompts that did not make it to the actual fic and my notes:

1. Scars

"She traced his skin with her fingers, grazing his scars. She had learnt them by heart."

I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT SCARS SO BAD OMG. Kagura is a Yato and thus her skin has almost magical healing abilities but Sougo is a human warrior who has been fighting for years so I have always imagined his skin to be filled with scars. Kagura thinks of them as constellations on his skin and is absolutely entranced by them. One of my fave prompts, personally.

2. Rumours

After he starts sleeping with Kagura, lots of rumours start spreading as well. He keeps going to Yoshiwara but, who is he seeing?

This one I actually got to write!

3. Jealous

ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE wanted me to write this prompt but the truth is that I didn't like it that much for different reasons. I do see Sougo as being possessive and possibly jealous but in the fic they've kind of reached a level of maturity that makes them both understand that they don't belong to each other (not before they are together and not after they confess, in the sense that they are their own persons and that they trust and know each other enough not to do anything they shouldn't be doing). Here are my notes about it, anyways.

"The boy from the morning radio exercises visits her as soon as he discovers she's working in Yoshiwara. He was invited by his friends when he was given the last alta from the hospital and Sougo doesn't like it one bit. The thing is, he shouldn't care because the guy is a brat five years younger than him -please, he's even younger than her, and he isn't even off age yet, not that it matters in Yoshiwara- and he shouldn't be concerned about who she's seeing in the first place"

4. Umibouzu

He visits her for the first time and throws a tantrum when he discovers she's working there -even more so if Kamui is the owner of the place-. I actually wanted to expand on this idea a lot. After Housen died, Kamui became the ruler of Yoshiwara. I also wrote this before Umibouzu, Kagura and Kamui made up, so I didn't know how that was going to go. I still wanted them to solve their problems in the fic, though, at least in the long version that never got written.

The second time he invites her to travel with him but Kagura considers the Yorozuya more important, as she is the one doing the job now. This is one of the ending I had thought of, Okikagu going to space to travel and experience, but I honestly can't imagine Sougo ever leaving the Shinsengumi and Earth behind, and Kagura wouldn't have left him behind. LOVE.

I also dislike space, we have such a pretty planet!

5. Future (written as well!)

"Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if things had been different. What if things had stayed the same? If Gin hadn't disappeared. Maybe her relationship with Sougo might have been different. Maybe they could have had a future together. Maybe even kids. Not that it matters cause it isn't like she can have babies with him in the first place.

She wonders if he's still sleeping with other girls or not. She is almost sure he isn't, but she remembers the first months when she didn't have a clue about it.

What made she fall in love with him the first place? She wasn't in love when she was 14. What changed her vision of him?

There are some things that must be protected even if my hands get stained with blood."

6. Home

Canon story until Shogun Assassination Arc. This is the last chapter of the fic. I decided to call it Home because it's what Kagura and Sougo end up meaning for each other.

Kagura reflects about the events up until that moment— Otae is dead? Or alive (give Kagura a break), Gin is?, she has fixed things with Shinpachi, she has no idea about what to do with Sougo, she doesn't want to go back to Yoshiwara.

Sougo reflects about the future— the country is slowly starting to recover, a cure for the plague has been developed, he's still in love with Kagura….

"Kagura sits in the bathtub; she doesn't know how long she has been here, staring at nothing and lost in her thoughts, but the water, almost reaching the lid of the marble and once scorching against her skin, is now freezing and does nothing but raise goosebumps along her pale skin. The last week is nothing but a hazy mess in her mind and her thoughts are so muddled she doesn't even know where to start untangling the mess that is her head. After all, how is she supposed to cope with everything without feeling overwhelmed?

The memories are so fresh and so real she can't even believe it has really happened.

GIntoki is gone."

7. Other discarded ideas for the last chapter

The first thing I thought about was Kagura getting pregnant (yes, she can, that was one of the big surprised. They were just lucky she didn't get pregnant before). Then they had a BIG fight and spend months without talking to each other (Sougo doesn't know about the baby and Kagura is so, so scared to tell him because they're just using each other out of convenience, she doesn't know Sougo returns her feelings, and she thinks a baby would be a burden for him). Then they made up, confess and live happily ever after while Edo is reborn.

I'm really bad with endings because nothing I think about ever convinces me as being enough, so that is other of the main reasons I find it so difficult to finish this fic. I still don't really have a clear idea of what I want it to be. But they definitely confess and get together!

If you've read this far, congrats! I'm really happy you've taken your time to read my words and now to the surprise! I wrote the start of the story I wanted to develop 3 years ago, so here you go! Remember listening to the group Red to get in the mood since I wrote this whole fic listening to it!

She looked out of the window, not really seeing anything, lost in her thoughts. When had things gone wrong? It had already been 6 years since that day, the day her life had really turned upside down.

She had always thought nothing could be worse than the time her dad had left after fighting with her brother to death, soon followed by the death of her mother. She had been lost, barely able to find a way to survive, crying herself to sleep every night. She had just been a little girl. But she had made up her mind after that, she had been able to find a way out of those dark days and she had come to the planet she now called home. Long gone were the rain, the pain and the loneliness. She had found a new family in the Yorozuya, a new figure to look up to and a new brother that would take care of her. She had recovered and she had found new reasons to smile. With the help of this new family, she had become really happy again.

So why did everything end up crashing like a mirror again?

She could not believe her ears the day Gintoki was declared missing. She just could not. The damn permed was a lot of things, but he knew how to take care of himself. That is why she spent the whole day looking for him, along with all the people she knew. She came home late and decided to wait awake for him. It was odd waiting for him, when she would usually go to sleep knowing he was somewhere else just playing pachinko or drinking at Otose's.

And the next day the news came -he had been found dead in the mountains surrounding the city, a diary in his hands. She did not remember the details of what happened after, because her brain shut down. She didn't listen to anything the Shinsengumi's Vice Chief said.

The day of the funeral it was pouring down, and Kagura was grateful for it, because she could not stop the tears from falling. She cried hard in Otae's arms, but she did not dare to look away from the coffin. She did not pay any attention to the people who attended the event, so she did not notice how many people were mourning the death of the former samurai. When it ended, she refused to leave the graveyard. She was not leaving Gin-chan alone. In the end, the Shimura brothers had to drag her to the dojo. They did not want to let her alone at the Yorozuya that night.

The following days were confusing as well. She had refused Shinpachi's offer to stay with them, telling him that she wanted to keep living in their home. Otae told him that it was better to give her some time.

She stopped eating as much, and even though she became afraid of going home, afraid of finding it empty -it just brought old, painful memories which only intensified the new ones-, she could not help herself. This did not prevent her, however, from spending as much time as possible wandering aimlessly the streets. Sadaharu was always by her side, knowing better than to leave her alone.

Because his owner was lost again. And she was not fully aware of it. She knew something was wrong, but she just was not able to understand it completely. She would later realise that the old, big, gaping hole had been opened again.

She tried to keep it from the others - they had their fair share with Gin's passing - but Shinpachi knew something was going on. He had not been living with her for 2 years for nothing. That is why he brought her one of those days to his house and talked with both the Yato and his sister. The later was, after all, the other big reference the young girl had.

Otae, of course, had known something was wrong from the start, but she had not wanted to put more pressure on her shoulders. When Shinpachi brought her along, however, she decided enough was enough. Kagura was to live with them from that day onwards.

She had refused again, saying she was fine on her own and she just needed some time to get used to the changes, but Otae knew better. She would stay this time.

That was where she spent the three following months, until the day the Yorozuya disappeared for good.

She had got home late, very late. The younger Shimura sibling had been waiting for her, an angry look on his face.

"Where have you been?" The question was short and blunt, but the answer he got was not.

"I just wanted to take a stroll. I needed to get some fresh hair, I was starting to feel anxious."

"Kagura, I know this is not easy for you, but it is not easy for us either. You can't just disappear whenever you feel like it, without warning us. Do you know what time is it? Otae was so worried for you when she left for work I had to assure her I was going to wait awake for you. The streets are not a safe place for a girl-"

"I am not a girl anymore. I will be turning 16 in a month, and I can take care of myself. You should be more worried about yourself, and about your priorities. Gin left us just three months ago and all you have been doing about it is nothing! Do you ever-"

"Stop. You do not need to tell me that. I know you can take care of yourself. But that does not mean you have to make my sister worry. And I know, too, that you are frustrated and sad and emotional, but you can not assume that I don't care. I do, but I'm trying to move on. You have to stop, Kagura, you really need to stop moping around and crying until you have no more tears-"

"I'm not-"

"If you say you have grown up, start acting your age and face reality. Gin-san is not going to come back just because you want it that way. And I care, I really care, but right now my sister needs me. She is just as sad as you, or me, or anyone who ever met him, but I have to be strong for her and you really-"

"You really are a stupid, insensible piece of-"

"Don't you dare call me-"

Bang.

If there was something she regretted of that day, it was shooting him. She had missed on purpose, but the bullet had passed inches away from his face. The boy was left wide eyed and speechless, and Kagura knew she had crossed a line. She glared at him for what seemed an eternity and then she exited the room, trying to control the tremors shaking her body.

"Tell Anego I'm leaving."

'What on Earth am I going to do? I can not go back to the dojo, not after having shot Shinpachi... God, what was I even thinking? He looked so hurt and disappointed... '

'And I can not go to the Yorozuya either, I just can not. God, Gin, why did you have to leave?'

Kagura sensed her eyes fill with tears again. How many times was she going to cry? She was currently sitting by the river, wrapped in her cloak -thank God she had taken it with her- and curled up against Sadaharu. She had messed up for real this time and she did not know what to do. She felt so helpless she wanted to slap herself. Wiping the tears away harshly, she stood up.

"We are going to pay a visit to Tsukki, Sadaharu. Come on, boy."

Yoshiwara was not a place for young, pretty girls at night. During the day the streets were mostly deserted, and she used to come to visit Hinowa or Seita when she had time with Gin-chan and Shinpachi. When the moon was up, however, the story was completely different.

There were lights everywhere, like some kind of neverending Christmas. The red lanterns, which were hung in every single building, gave the place a kind, warm atmosphere. All the doors were open in the main streets and there was the constant sound of people talking.

The women, however, were the most breathtaking part of it. It was their job to look beautiful and desirable, but Kagura would never cease to be amazed at the myriad of colours their kimonos were. Gold and red were the most common colours, mixing with hues of silver, blues and pinks. The hair accessories tingled, making bell-like sounds. They giggled every time a man spared a glance their way, and they covered their mouths before talking, sharing secrets they were not supposed to hear.

She made her way through the crowd, ignoring the whistles and comments men made. She would only get in more trouble if she started a fight, and she had had her fair share for today. Though she had to bite her tongue more than once.

At the age of sixteen, Kagura had become a young lady and she was well aware of it. She had grown a few inches taller, her face was more defined and her orange hair reached past her mid-back. Her hips were wider, and her waist thinner. Her chest had developed, too, and she was glad for it. Which girl was not worried about that, after all? She liked to think she acted like a girl her age, which meant she had matured too. Though lately, she had been a walking mess.

The clothes she was wearing were not helping either. She made sure to cover up before coming to the Red Lights District, just in case something happened, but she had not had the opportunity today. She was wearing a red, long skirt with two splits in either side that reached her hips, but her boots were long enough to cover most of her slim legs. The top was another story. It left her whole belly exposed, and fitted perfectly her breasts, causing every man she passed ogle her. She was not just "hot" -as this filthy beings were currently calling her-, but also beautiful, though this was something she had yet to notice. She wished her cloak would do its work, which consisted in covering her, but she was almost running by now, so it just floated behind her. Sadaharu looked dangerous and barked at every man that came too close to her.

When she reached the biggest building, Tsukuyo's headquarters, she let out a sigh of relief she did not know she had been holding.

"Kagura-san? May I ask what are you doing here?"

Kagura looked up and came face to face with one of the two girls guarding the gates that lead to the building. She could see the surprise and worry on her features.

"I'm looking for Tsukuyo, is she inside?"

"Yes, she is. I will call for her, just-"

"That won't be necessary. One of the girls has come to inform me of your visit." The blonde lady, who had appeared out of the blue, was regarding Kagura with a concerned look on her features. "What are you doing in Yoshiwara at this hour?"

"I- I would like to talk in private... Please." Kagura's voice came out as a whisper, and Tsukuyo confirmed something was off.

"Follow me, then. Sadaharu can wait in the courtyard. He will be taken care of."

The dog barked approvingly and the girl patted his head, giving him a little squeeze. Kagura crossed the gates then and was lead inside. She felt her body tensing, memories she was afraid to remember filling her head. This was the place where she had met her brother after so many years of knowing nothing about him, and this was the place where she had lost to her bloodlust. She followed Tsukuyo silently, trying to focus in the voices she could hear coming from the floors above instead of her own heartbeat, which was pretty high right now.

The other woman noticed her tensed shoulders and her ragged breath but said nothing. She went direct to the lifts, as she lived and worked on the highest floor, and pressed the last button. Time seemed to slow down and Kagura really wished things were not so awkward.

When the lift stopped, the doors opened, revealing a long, wooden hallway with doors on each side. Tsukuyo started walking again, and Kagura followed suit. They reached the end of the hallway, and the maiden opened the largest door of all, gesturing her to enter. She did, and she was relieved for the breeze coming out of the open window. The room was ample and only contained a few furnitures but the shōji were beautifully decorated with floral motives. The wall opposite the doors lead to an outside corridor, which served as a terrace as well. Every floor had one, and they were all connected through wooden stairs. This resulted in a courtyard, from the highest floor, where they were, to the ground, where a group of geisha was talking with a few customers.

Kagura turned around to face Tsukuyo and sat down, waiting for the older woman to close the door.

"What has happened?"

Kagura looked down and started fidgeting with the hem of her dress. She realised, with fear, that she had a lump in her throat, but she swallowed it down and forced the words to come out.

"I had a fight with Shinpachi. I almost shot him".

She wanted to say more, to tell her everything that had been going through her head in the past few months, to tell her all the things she had not been able to tell Otae.

Kagura was aware that Tsukuyo had been in love with Gintoki, so she knew of the pain she had been going through. She knew from the way she had always acted around him. The deadly woman became a mess in front of his surrogate father, her steady hands trembling whenever he was less than three feet away from her and her face becoming all shades of pink and red when he talked to her. So the red headed girl hoped Tsukuyo would be able to understand her the way others could not. It was not that she was in love with Gin too, but the pain they felt was the same.

"Kagura, look at me."

The girl lifted her head, her eyes bright, and blue met lavender.

"I know this is not easy, and I know how important Gintoki was for you. But we have to be strong, if not for us, for his sake. He knew it is worse for the ones staying than for the ones leaving. So smile, Kagura, just how you used to do when he was here. Because that is what he would have wanted. I am sure that, wherever he is now, he is looking after us." Tsukuyo smiled sadly at her. At least, she was trying her best. Kagura was now crying; tears were streaming down her face.

"I know he is here with us, somehow, but I just can not imagine a life without him right now. Everywhere I go I am reminded of him. I can not even step into the Yorozuya. It is just too painful. I do not know what to do."

"You should go back to the dojō, try talking with Otae and Shinpachi."

"I can not. I don't think I could stand living with them either. Shinpachi is just as important as Gin was, it is just too painful being with him. I get this feeling in my chest every time I see him that makes me want to run and hide. I feel so helpless and stupid. The worst is that I pay it with him. He does not deserve the tantrums of an emotional mess like me. Besides, now that Gin-chan is not here, the Yorozuya... Well, I don't think we will keep it going. Not for now, at least. That means that he has to look for a new job, and I do not want to be a burden for both Otae and him. I have tried looking for a job, but I am underage, and nobody wants a "little, poor girl" as their employee-"

"Kagura, I do not think you will be a burden-"

"I will, and I do not want to bring them trouble. They have their own problems alone." She had stopped crying by now, but her eyes were filled with sadness. "I really do not have anywhere to go so, please, let me stay here."

Tsukuyo looked at her, dumbfounded, as if she had not heard right. The Yato girl was looking at her pleadingly.

"W- wh- what are you saying? You are just a girl, you know kids are not allowed in Yoshiwara-"

"Seita lives here, and he is two years younger than me."

"I know, but Seita is the son of one of our girls. There is a special law for them that allows those kids to stay here. Besides, Kagura, you know what working here means, right? Even if you told me you would like to, I can not let you. My duty now is to take care of you, and I will not allow you to-"

"Please, Tsukuyo, let me stay here. I have nowhere else to go and I do not want to be a burden to anyone. I could help here with the chores, the security, anything. I would even work as a geisha. Please, let me stay."

The girl was now kneeling, her nose almost touching the floor and her hair sprawled all over her back. Tsukuyo knew how proud Kagura was, and how difficult it was for her to ask for help, so she kept quiet, thinking.

The Yato did not move, waiting for an answer patiently, though her whole body was shaking from the sobs that left her mouth. After some time, Tsukuyo sighed.

"Just this once, and only because it is you asking the favour, I will allow you to stay here."

Kagura lifted her head, her eyes shining with a sad happiness.

"However, I have some rules you will have to accept and follow, without exceptions."

Kagura nodded several times, but she did not speak, letting the blonde continue.

"First. You will obey me without questioning me or my motives. If you are to live here, I will become your mistress. I am in charge of Yoshiwara, and that means I am the law.

Second. You will, under no circumstances, work as a courtesan. Letting you stay here means you will never break this law. Not even when you become an adult when you turn 18.

Third. I know you will not stay here for free, so I will "employ" you. This means you will work in exchange for food and a bed. If you ever need money or want to change the job you have been given, come talk to me.

And last, but no less important, I want you to let the Shimura brothers know you are here under my care. As soon as possible. We do not want them to worry, right?"

Kagura stood up and embraced her, almost choking Tsukuyo with her superhuman strength.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you. I promise I will follow these rules and I will help with everything I can. Thanks, Tsukki."

The older woman returned her hug, sighing again. This girl was seriously something else. How had the Yato convinced her was something she would never have an answer to. For God's sake, she was a minor and she had given her permission to live in a Red District, of all the places... She thought about what Gintoki would have said, but her heart clenched and she dismissed the memories.

"Well, it is past three in the morning. I would say you have not been sleeping well, so I will take you to your new room. Follow me."

The girl followed the lady through the corridor again. This time, however, she turned to the right when she reached the lifts and guided her to the end of another hallway. She opened the door to the left and moved aside to let the redheaded girl through.

The room Kagura was in was smaller than Tsukuyo's one, but just as beautifully decorated. The shōjis were painted with koi this time, and there was a small tea table on the far wall, next to a dresser. The floor was completely covered with tatami, and a little heater stood next to the wardrobes.

Kagura regarded the room and turned to look at the other woman, her eyes shining with happiness for the first time in months.

"This is more than what I would have asked for. Thank you."

She bowed politely and lifted her head, finding the older woman smiling fondly at her.

"I will have someone come wake you up tomorrow, you'll start then. Good night, Kagura."

With this, she closed the door and disappeared, leaving the young amanto alone. It was then Kagura noticed how tired she was, so she strode up to open one of the wardrobes, looking for a futon. She found a pink one, with gold floral motives, and laid it next to the heater. Then, removing her clothes and staying only in her underwear, she went to sleep, feeling safer than she had in months.

She woke up to the sound of crickets and realised she had slept throughout the day. It was already dark outside, though there was still some light coming through the shojis. She tossed the futon aside and stood up, stretching her arms. Her body shivered with the temperature change and she headed for the drawer to grab a robe she had seen last night.

Yawning, she noticed a note folded on the tea table. She lighted a candle and reached for it.

"I have left some kimono in the room next to yours. Choose one and come to the third floor, we'll have some special guests tonight.

Tsukuyo

P.S. The girls will help you with the clothes and the make up. Fifteenth floor."

Kagura snorted. That woman really knew her well. She did not have a clue about kimono, much less make up.

She opened the door to the other room and stared in awe. Folded on the floor laid five kimono, the clothes shining brightly. She placed the candle carefully on the floor, keeping it at a safe distance, and proceeded to pick up the first one. It was blue, the kind of blue the sea was on rainy days. It reminded her of something, but she could not put her finger on it. There were silver patterns of clouds in the right side, shimmering with the light. Deciding it was pretty enough and not wanting to waste more time, she caught it and rushed to the hallway, looking for the fifteenth floor, as Tsukuyo had indicated.

She got there soon after, and was greeted by a woman.

"You must be Kagura, right? My name is Chiyo. Tsukuyo asked me to take you to get prepared."

"I'm Kagura. Thank you for taking care of me". Kagura bowed and followed her, entering a room filled with vats of water and women

"Some of the girls will come to help you when you are finished. I will leave a towel here for you."

The Yato nodded and waited for the woman to leave.

She left the kimono on a basket next to the towel, discarding her robe and looking around, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She was used to bathing with other women, she had done so many times in public baths. But this was different. The women in front of her were beautiful, to say the least. Pretty faces and nice bodies.

She sighed and unclasped her bra, taking it off and deciding the sooner she was done, the better. She took a quick bath, marveling in the hot water soothing her bones, and wrapped herself with the towel, not knowing what to do next.

"Kagura?"

She turned around at the sound of her name, and she came face to face with three girls. They seemed a little bit older than her, and they were all smiling.

"Hello there, I'm Fumio, and they are Suzuki and Ami. Chiyo told us to come and get an orange -haired girl named Kagura. I guess it is you?"

The girl talking was really pretty, gorgeous even. She had long, silky black hair and grey eyes. Kagura nodded and was about to speak when the girls started squealing.

"Oh my god, it is true..."

"She really is a pretty girl, look at her eyes."

"Tsukuyo really knows better. Her skin is flawless and her hair is so colourful!"

"I bet men will pay fortunes for her with that exotic appearance..."

Kagura stared at them dumbfounded. What were they talking about? Her? Pretty and skin flawless? Fortunes? She was not even going to sleep with the men. She felt like laughing. Those were words that did not fit her. She was scarred, both physically and mentally. Though she did not have much time to dwell on those things, because she found herself being dragged by the three girls. They ended up in a room with a full body mirror and a dresser.

"Don't look so scared, when we are finished with you, you will not recognise yourself!" One the girls, Amy, told her.

'Scared? Do I look scared? What the hell-'

And then everything was a blur. The girls started to talk as they got rid of her towel, leaving her naked and flushed, but they paid her no mind. She really was shocked at first, since she was not used to the attention and they kept asking her personal questions. Where had they come out from? She tried to resist at first, but in the end she gave up as the girls kept babbling incessantly as they covered her in layers of clothes. She was supposed to wear one kimono, was she not?

She was just praying for it to end when the conversation caught her attention. They were tying her obi and talking about some of the guests tonight.

"Hey, do you think he will come?"

"Mmmh? Who are you talking ab- Oh gods, that's right. Hey, Fumio, do you think he will?"

"Of course he will come. He always comes. After all, he is one of the most important men of the Shogun, right?"

At the mention of the Shogun, Kagura's ears perked up for two different reasons. Who were they talking about?

"He is so handsome, gods, I wish he will pick some of us this time."

"What are you talking about? You make it look like he has never slept with heeer." Suzuki, who was blonde and looked foreign, directed her gaze towards Fumio. She, in turn, turned bright red and looked to the ground.

"Look at her," Suzuki laughed, "she likes him so much she will never get over that night with him!"

"Shut up! You wished you had slept with him!" Fumio turned her gaze towards the other two girls, who were laughing, and tried not to laugh to.

Kagura watched in silence, wondering who this mysterious man was.

Suzuki, noticing her curious look, grinned and directed her attention towards the brunette again.

"Hey, Fumio, it seems we have caught our new girl's attention. Would you tell her about him, or do you prefer me doing so?"

After getting no response from the other girl, who was starting to get busy with her hair, Kagura focused all her attention on the other two.

"Pay her no attention, she is actually the shy one. So, back to the topic, there is this guy who comes every now and then with his co-workers, sometimes on duty, other times to relax, and sometimes alone.

The important thing here is that he is so handsome, and that is an understatement. Not to talk about his body. Oh, his body. He could be a god. In every sense. I have never slept with him, but the girls that have say he is the perfect lover, though he never sleeps twice with one of us. You will see him tonight with your own eyes, and then you will tell us your opinion, ok? Due to him being an officer working for the Shogun, only a number of courtesans are allowed to be there. Your first day here and you are going to meet him. We will be there too, so do not worry. You are a lucky girl, Kagura."

Said girl did not hear the last sentence, her mind starting to get filled with images of a certain sandy-haired captain. She realised, with horror, that he was in her head again, even though she had told herself not to think about him. At all.

She tried to focus on the conversation again. It was Ami talking now.

"So you have no idea how we work. You have not learnt how to serve tea, how to play an instrument or how to dance. This is something geisha would normally do, but we are luxury courtesans, so this kind of stuff is expected from us. I guess Tsukuyo will take care of that later. Speaking of which, she was kind of eager for you to be there. I guess that means we should not be late. There, we are done. Now wait until we are finished with our make up."

Kagura turned off the conversation as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Who was this person? Staring back at her was a girl with snow white skin, even paler than hers, and with eyes as big as two oceans. The blue reflected the light from the room, shining and making them even more beautiful. Her lashes were longer, and her eyebrows had been covered with white powder. Her lips were red, like some of the candy apples she used to eat back at the summer festivals and that now seemed so far away. They had pulled her hair up in a simple bun, leaving some loose strands. Finally, some ornament flowers had been scattered here and there. She was different, pretty.

A kind of pretty she did not like.

She was not herself.

She wondered what would have thought her fourteen years old self. She would have probably laughed at her, or she might have punched her in that stupid, perfect, artificial face. Then, she remembered her fourteen year old self had been a happy, carefree girl whose biggest problem had been to eat ten bowls of rice every meal most of the days. So she decided she did not care what she looked like. She did not care anymore. She had asked to stay here, and she had asked for work. Here it was. What was the point of getting scared now? She had nothing left to lose.

Sometime later, she found herself sitting next to the other girls behind a closed shoji. She could hear laughter and talking coming from the other side.

"It will be okay." It was Fumio, who sat next to her. "Tsukuyo is inside. Just go sit next to her and observe us, you will learn quickly. You look like a smart girl."

"And remember our god is inside, too!" Suzuki, on the other side of Fumio, was holding her laughter, and the brunette girl nudged her with her elbow.

"You'd better keep that mouth shut if you want some kind of chance with him."

Suzuki grinned knowingly, but said nothing else.

Fumio took a deep breath and then, softly, she opened the door.

Kagura was looking down, and when she lift her eyes, the first thing she saw were a pair of wine colored one staring right back at her.

And then, everything else disappeared.

The first coherent thought that crossed her mind was that she was screwed.

This could not be happening. It just could not. She had been avoiding him for months so why did he have to be here, of all places?

'No, no, no... not today. Shit, shit, shit.'

The girls stood up and headed towards different tables. Kagura rose and felt all the eyes in the room fixed on her. She walked trying to look as nonchalant as possible until she was next to Tsukuyo, who was currently talking with that gorilla the Shinsengumi had as a commander. In the same table were the mayo lover, other high ranked captains and, to her mortification, Okita Sougo.

The sole mention of his name gave her goosebumps. She tried not to look at him. But it was already too late. Her mind was somewhere far away.

She did not know how, when or why it had happened, but she was sure of one thing: she was in on her way to be in love with him. And it was getting deeper.

It made no sense. They had met when she was fourteen and he was eighteen, during the spring. They had "played" rock, paper and scissors and she had found he was as stubborn as her when it came to winning games. The game turned to bickering whenever they met. She claimed she hated his guts, which was true, and he was always picking fights with her. He had even killed her precious beetle pet. She could not stand him at that time.

Things started to change after the Rokakku incident. She had known he was strong. Hell, he had been able to keep up with her, a Yato. That alone said a lot. He had decided to risk his life in order to save Kirie and her, and he had said some things that had been engraved in her memory since then. She would never say it aloud, but she kind of owed him her life.

That day, she had realised the guy was more than what met the eye. After that, they had become closer. Not the normal closer. She did not consider him a friend, nor did he, but they knew they could trust each other when it came to serious matters.

Time had passed like that, the usual encounter and bickering, serious fights filled with trust and name-calling... Without realising it, she had found herself looking for him whenever she spotted a black jacket among the crowd.

At first, she had been appalled. What was she even thinking? Looking out for him, out of all the people! She had been disgusted with herself. Later, she realised what was happening to her and she went into full denial mode. She had got used to the strange things her heart did whenever he was around, and she tried to ignore it. She really was stupid, stupid, stupid. Her brain kept telling her she did not make any sense. It made no sense. But she was not a complete fool and she knew the heart had reasons the brain did not understand. She would not be able to deny it forever.

One day, some months after she had turned fifteen, she came to the conclusion that she, indeed, liked him. There was no point in denying it anymore. She had gone with Gin-chan and Shinpachi to the Shinsengumi compound to discuss -yell- about some old lady's lost cat. She had grown bored of it and she walked out to sit in the porch of the garden. About half an hour later, he had come to practise with his sword. He had not noticed her, which had surprised and annoyed her, but she had decided to keep quiet and observe him.

And then she had found herself downright staring. The way he moved mesmerized her. She was completely captivated by the way he swung his arms, his torso, his legs, perfection pouring out of every part of his body. His face was serious, sometimes almost a scowl, but there was a serenity in all of it that made her feel calm. His eyes were always focused in front of him, always, without losing the way ahead.

She did not know how much time she had been there, just watching him. She had returned with the others after realising she had been ogling him, embarrassed.

After that day, she had decided it was enough. She was not falling for him. Ever. She made up her mind to avoid him whenever possible, and she did not see him for the next few months. And then, Gin-chan disappeared. Everything went downhill from there, and she had not thought much about him again.

Until that moment, that is.

"My, my, what a coincidence. What are you doing here, China?"

Kagura bit her lip, cursing herself for finding his damn voice so alluring.

"That is none of your business."

"Oh? That is all you have to say after all this time? You really are mean, China girl." He smirked, and if looks could kill, Kagura was sure he would be dead by now. She opted for ignoring him, looking straight ahead. If she was going to be a hostess here, she might as well learn something useful, like paying no mind to annoying customers.

Hijikata, who had been drinking sake, turned her eyes questioningly to Tsukuyo, and she just shrugged her shoulders.

"She will be living here from now onwards. She said she wanted to work."

Kondou and Okita turned to her as well, waiting for her to elaborate. When she said nothing, the older man decided to talk.

"Miss, you are aware that she is underage, right?

"She will be turning sixteen next month, which is the age most of the girls start working here, but she will not be working as a courtesan. I am quite sure there are no problems with that, am I wrong?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Kagura has decided it herself, so I will not say anything else." Tsukuyo glared at them, daring them to say another word about the topic. She smiled inwardly when they turned their attention elsewhere.

The rest of the night went on smoothly. Kagura stayed on her cushion the whole time, praying for the sadist to leave as soon as possible. Some men left with girls and others decided to call it a night when the clock struck two in the morning. She was grateful the sadist was with the latter.

After the room emptied, Kagura said goodbye to Fumio, Suzuki and Ami and decided to pay a visit to Sadaharu, feeling guilty she had not seen him during the day. She stepped outside and shivered, despite the number of clothes she was wearing. The dog came running to greet her, and she embraced him, resting her head on the fur of his neck.

"I have missed you, boy. This has been one of the longest nights ever. And all I have done is sit and watch people flirt. How have you been?"

The huge dog barked, and Kagura squeezed him tighter when a breeze shook the leaves of the trees. Then, Sadaharu tensed and started to grunt.

"Uh? What is it? Is someon-"

"Goodnight again, China."

Kagura groaned inwardly.

"I thought you had left with the others. What are you doing here?"

"As direct as ever. You have never liked small talk, have you?"

"If you are going to keep talking nonsense, I'll leave now."

"Calm down there, China, I just wanted to be polite and say hello. Next time, I will just continue walking as if I have not seen you."

"You will do me a favour, actually."

"God, China, you really are difficult today. Fine, if you want to be alone, that will be it. Goodbye."

Kagura let go of Sadaharu and stepped in front of him, glaring at the captain.

"You haven't answered my question."

"Didn't you want me to leave?" The boy raised his eyebrows, and Kagura gritted her teeth.

"Answer me first or I won't let you pass. You could be planning to steal something for all that I know."

"Now that's how you treat a customer. You do know how to please a man. At this rate, you will be chosen as the best courtesan next year."

"Quit beating around the bush and give me a damn answer, or you'll be the one getting punched, you stupid jerk." Kagura was starting to lose her patience. She knew she had no reasons to be asking him, but she wanted to know where he was going on a courtesan's house in the middle of the night.

Well... if she put it like that, the answer was quite obvious itself. God, she was getting mad talking with herself.

"I'm starting to get tired, girl. Where am I going or what I'm doing is not your business. And I'm quoting you here. So step aside if you don't want me to arrest you."

"I dare you to."

"I'm warning you one last time, step aside."

"What's wrong? You've never had a problem attacking me before."

Okita touched the handle of his ever present sword and Kagura noticed a little too late her umbrella was upstairs. 'Damn it-'

She took the blow with her hands, stopping it inches away from her face. The sword was sheathed, but the force he used was the same he would have used to cut an enemy. He had caught her off guard. Not that she could move with the kimono. He pushed her until her back hit one of the walls of the building. He came closer and she felt his breath tickling her nose. Her heart started to beat fast and she cursed for the umpteenth time. However, when she lifted her eyes to meet his, her breath caught in her throat.

He was pissed.

Usually, he would have a blank face on, almost like a mask. Even when they were fighting, she was lucky if she got as much as a smirk out of him. But tonight, his eyes spoke differently. They were filled with something different, something she didn't know. However, one thing was clear, and it was that he was annoyed.

"I'm gonna tell you this once, so you'd better listen up. Don't get me pissed anymore. I don't know what have you done tonight or what has happened to you, but you have crossed a line you shouldn't have. If I ever decide to come here again, I want you out of my sight if you're gonna be an ass."

Kagura wasn't speechless anymore, and she couldn't believe her ears.

"Ass? Line? What are you talking about? You're the one being an ass here, you bastard!"

Okita pushed her harder against the wall, and she felt all his weight on her.

"You know what? I'm not wasting any more time with little girls like you. You have fun on your own." He took a couple of steps back and turned around, heading towards one of the multiple doors leading inside the building.

"Fuck off!" Kagura was fuming. 'How does he dare! Who does he think he is? Fuck off, sadist, just fuck off.'

She stormed off, reaching the elevators and pressing one of the buttons. The number six lighted up, and she waited taping with her foot. When the doors opened, she stepped inside and smashed the twentieth button. Up, up, up. When the doors opened again, she came face to face with three familiar pair of eyes.

The Yato girl stood there, still frowning, not knowing what to make of the looks they were giving her.

"Sooo..." Suzuki was the first to break the silence.

"So?" Kagura was confused.

"Oh, c'mon, you have just been talking with him! Don't you have anything to say?"

"Uh?" She had momentarily forgotten about Okita, but when the other girl reminded her, her scowl was back on her face. "Are you talking about that asshole I was with in the courtyard? Wait, were you looking?!"

"Of course we were looking and of course I'm talking about him! Who else have you spoken with tonight? You even sat at his table the whole night!"

"I still don't get what's so special about him."

"What? 'What' you say? He's the guy we were talking about when we were dressing you earlier! Have you seen how hot he is? And have you seen his eyes and the way he looks?"

Kagura looked at Suzuki as if she had grown a second head. She felt like laughing. Was that girl in her right mind? Were they talking about the same person?

'I admit he's good-looking, there is no point in denying that.' During the years she had known him, his face had been defined. 'He has a strong jaw, high cheekbones and his eyes are mesmerizing. Yes...I have just thought his eyes are mesmerizing. And yes again. He is hot. I have seen it myself. To be honest, he is hot as hell. He is lean and muscular. Fuck his sword training. I should stop thinking. Now. What is wrong with me? The plan was to forget him as soon as possible, not to start worshipping him! Shit!'

"Kagura-chan, you ok?" Fumio was looking at her with worried eyes. "You seem troubled."

"I'm fine, I just need to go to sleep. And regarding that bastard, the only thing I have to say is that he's a cruel, sadistic guy who will enjoy playing with you! I want nothing to do with him! You can have all of him. He can sleep with every girl here as long as he keeps his stupid face away from me! Goodnight!" Just like that, she bowed and headed towards her room, fuming.

Three hours later, she was lying awake on her futon, cursing in her head -again-.

'I can't believe myself. I just can't. That guy is an asshole. Why do I even like him? I said I was fine with him sleeping with the whole Yoshiwara, but I'm so restless I can't sleep. Fuck you, sadist. To hell with the 'ignore him' plan. Aaaaaargh! Why me?'

She sighed. She was trying really hard to ignore the fact that her heart ached every time she thought he was currently spending the night with some random girl. Well, at least she hoped the other girl was random. What if... No, no, no. He didn't sleep with the same girl twice. Suzuki had said so. So why...

'If you fall in love with someone that is not me -and I don't want you to fall for me, either, that would be awkward- I will make sure to beat you to a pulp. Stupid.'

Time passed slowly. She woke up in the afternoon the following. It was quite early, considering the Red District came to life at dawn. The daytime was to sleep. However, she needed to learn how to be a proper hostess. If she was not going to help with the habitual "services", she might as well learn how to serve drinks and how to laugh like girls were supposed to do.

It was hard at first. She had not a clue what she was supposed to do, though Tsukuyo and her new three friends helped her whenever they could. They kept asking her about Okita and her relationship with him, and she kept telling them they had met by coincidence and they had nothing to do with each other, not anymore. She was trying not to think about him, but it was proving to be more difficult than what she had thought at first. There was always someone talking about him, about how handsome he looked or how hot he was. Okita-san this, Okita-san that... Really, when had he became so popular? As far as she knew, he came sometimes, and only a few of those times did he took a girl with him.

It had been about five months since she had started living in Yoshiwara when the first news about the White Plague reached her new home. It started as any other illness did.

Looking back on this, Tsukuyo would have made her clean windows and floors, not attend to the guests during the first night lol but anyways. Once again, I'm sorry I'm leaving this kind of hanging in the air but if you guys have questions or whatever hmu! (Tumblr aozul/ Twitter aozul27) (how do I link things in here?)