Disclaimer: The following is a nonprofit fan-based parody. Steven Universe is owned by Rebecca Sugar, Cartoon Network, Time Warner and Turner Broadcasting System. Please support the official release.

Pearl goes to Hell

One-Shot

The monster let out a loud roar before attacking, with its tenctacles, our three protagonists, who managed to dodge it with a big jump. Immediately, Garnet settled it a blow with all her forces, stunning it and also taking one limb of the creature, who screamed in pain. Wasting no time, the creature attacked with another of its tentacles, failing again to reach the gem since something had pinned his arm.

"Don't even think about it, pal!" shouted Amethyst as she held the tip of the monster with her whip.

When the monster tried to release itself, Pearl quickly went to it and her spear cut the tentacle that Amethyst was holding. The creature gave another roar of pain and then tried to attack Pearl, but she dodged each of its attacks with delicate movements. Meanwhile, Garnet and Amethyst were surrounding the monster, who also was trying to hurt them, but every time it tried to touch them, they dodged it and attacked back, reducing the number of limbs. Pearl was not far behind, cutting with her spear each tentacle that even tried to touch her. The fight continued and fate seemed to favor Gems, who had managed to control most of the tentacles of the monster.

"Okay," said Pearl. "We should corner it and not let it to escape. Now! "

That said, the gems began to approach the monster. It, now with two of his eight tentacles, tried to attack, but the gems managed to dodge it. The distance between the creature and the gems was shrinking, so the monster tried to get as far as it could from them, until it reached the edge of the ravine where the fight was unfolding and the gems began to surround it. The creature, seeing that there was no escape, tried to attack all three simultaneously in a last attempt to survive, but Garnet, with lightning speed, dodged the attack and it led to a dry, straight punch to the body, causing the monster to loose its balance and to give two steps back, which caused it to slip and fall into the depths of the abyss.

"Done" said Garnet as she withdrew her gloves back into her hands.

"Wow! That was amazing! " exclaimed Steven, leaving behind a rock where he witnessed the combat.

"Bah, it was no big deal" said Amethyst . "We could've finished it earlier."

"Certainly the fight was relatively simple " said Pearl," although the plan was not to throw it down the ravine, I mean, we could just beat it if we had it cornered and would have cut the last tentacles, who knows if the monster survived? "

"Calm Pearl" said Garnet. "The important thing is that we can now go in search of the Fire Crystal."

"That's right, relax," said Amethyst. "It's not as if that thing could climb or something like that."

"Still, we can not afford to run the risk. We must ensure that every mission is... "

"Pearl, look behind you!" Shouted Steven with concern.

Pearl, confused, tried to turn around, but before she could do that, the gem felt a sharp pain in the chest that kept her from moving for a moment. More surprised than pained, Pearl somehow managed to see her torso and saw a tentacle across her chest. With effort, she turned his head to see the origin of this thing and managed to see the monster just now had managed to climb down the ravine and now had one of its tentacles stuck in her back.

"Oh, you must be kidding me," was all she managed to say before disappearing and returning to her gem.

"Pearl!" cried Steven and ran to catch the gem before it hit the ground.

The monster roared when it saw Steven and tried to attack him, but he dodged its tentacles and managed to get where Pearl was in her gem state. He took it in his hands and dodged another blow the monster had tried to throw. Steven ran to stand behind Garnet and Amethyst, who had already put a fighting stance.

"I can't believe this!," complained Amethyst drawing her whip. "Will we have to peel that again? How boring! "

"Steven, go home and take care of Pearl" said Garnet, invoking her gauntlets. "We'll take care of this."

"But the Fire..."

"Don't worry, dude," soothed Amethyst. "Garnet and I have everything under control. Trust us. "

"You have to go now." said Garnet and immediately rushed at the monster, followed by Amethyst.

Steven wasted no time and ran to the portal trough wich they had entered. It was a little far but he got there, activated it and transported himself back. At home, he looked for something to put Pearl on. He was lucky and found a towel. He weighed the towel to the livingroom table and gently placed the gem on it, then he sat on the couch. For a while, Steven did nothing more than look at Pearl intently, until he got bored.

"This is boring," said Steven. "I wish there was something I could do to not get bored so much." Steven placed his hand on his chin and thought of something to make the wait more bearable. "I know!"

Steven went upstairs and took a piece of paper, a marker and tape out from under his bed. Carefully, he drew something on paper and once completed, fell back to the room and taped the paper to the gem. Steven walked a couple of steps away to admire his work: In the paper, Pearl's face was poorly drawn with a huge smile. The boy smirked

"Perfect!, now this will not be so boring" said Steven, looking at the face that he had drawn. "And now what's next?"

Steven began to think of what else could do, but couldn't think of anything. After thinking a while, he had an idea. He opened the door under the stairs and pulled a chessboard with its pieces. He placed Pearl's gem at one end of the table, he was placed in the other and, once prepared everything, Steven moved a pawn to the square in front.

"Well, it's your turn," said Steven. The gem naturally didn't answer. "Do not worry, take all the time you want."

Steven sat there for a long time. After a while he sighed. This was going to be harder than he had thought.

O ~ o ~ O ~ o ~ O

"Ugh, what... happened?"

Pearl woke up feeling worse. Aching head and chest. If she could describe it, she would say it felt as if a train had passed over her, although that was clearly impossible: she always looked both ways before crossing a railway. With difficulty, she managed to stand. At the moment she did that, the pain in her chest intensified, causing her to fall to her knees. Pearl remained on the floor for a few moments until the pain disappeared, allowing her to stand again and open her eyes completely.

"Where am I?" she asked once her eyes were able to spot where she was.

It was a pretty grim place. It looked like a big cave full of sharp rocks out everywhere, with land of a dark reddish color, almost black, and fire coming out of both soil cracks on the walls and ceilings, giving the place a rather terrifying aspect. Pearl examined the area carefully, paying particular attention to its composition.

"From the looks of this place, I can say that I am in some kind of volcano," she said to herself, "although I have never heard of a volcano expelling fire instead of lava before. It may also be that I'm in a cave that has carbon dioxide emissions and other flammable gases, yet the fire does not produce any heat, which is pretty strange. Also, how I came to a cave? I do not remember going to any recently. I just remember that I withdrew my gem to regenerate and showed up here. "

Pearl had too many questions in her head: Where was she? How did she get there? Why was she there? Had Amethyst washed the clothes on Saturday? She tried to answer those questions alone without being able to find any explanation. After wandering for a while, she concluded that there was insufficient clues to determine her status, so she decided to explore the place to have a clearer idea of its location. She walked for a long time, but the scenery did not seem to change at all. Everywhere she looked, just watched rocks, fire, but nothing close to a clue.

"Seriously, how big is this place?" She said annoyed as she walked through that place. "I've been exploring for more than ten minutes and I haven't found anything. If only I had ... " Pearl stopped mid-sentence when she could see something. In the distance, she saw a peculiar figure on a rock. She was not sure, but it seemed like a human figure. "What's that over there?" She asked. "Is that... a human?"

She wasted no time and headed straight for the figure. As she approached, the figure was becoming more and more clear. No doubt, it was a man. Pearl leaned closer to the man. It was a pretty slim, tall, old man seemed to have more than 60 years and was totally emaciated, as if he had suffered. Pearl was shocked to witness the man.

"Excuse me, sir ..." she asked "Can I ask you something?"

He turned to look at the gem, and Pearl was even more horrified to see his face: he had a long, dirty and unkempt beard, an aquiline nose and red eyes, as if he had been crying. He had quite swollen and bruised face, chapped lips and nose diverted, as if he had been beaten a lot.

"For heaven's sake! What happened to you? " cried Pearl seeing the status of the old man.

"What happened to me?" spoke the man with a very weak voice. "Oh, Lady! "What did not happened to me?" Would be the more appropriate question! For years my life has been nothing but an event of endless, cruel and merciless torments. Every day I have to suffer the worst penalties ever known by any mortal, and all for a simple mistake, a simple sin. But what do they have to blame me if the temptation was presented to me on a silver platter and I, as weak soul that I am, could not resist that forbidden elixir? "

"Okay ..." said Pearl typing away. "That's very interesting and all, but can you tell me where I am?"

"Oh, poor thing. Another confused soul, without reason or fair idea, has been dragged into this place of suffering and misery. Do not worry, we all did the same question, because we could not accept our fateful destination. But the world is not fair, and sooner or later you will accept your penance and resign yourself to ... "

"No, seriously," interrupted Pearl. "Where am I?"

"... This cruel ending a wayward life imposed on us. The pain, the anguish, all the negative emotions that in the underworld afflicted the unfortunate and unhappy man who, without control over their destiny, faces day by day to the forces of nature. "

"I'm serious! Can you tell me where I am? " asked Pearl, visibly irritated.

"Please, do not keep denying it. Soon you will open your eyes to your plight and assimilate all penalties without question, receive any punishment ... "

"Hey! Do you know where I am, yes or no ?! " finally shouted Pearl, tired of the talk of the man.

"For my mother, do you really not know?" Asked the old man confused, as Pearl shook her head. "Geez, and I thought that you were just the innocent."

"Do you think that if I knew where I am I had bothered to ask?" said Pearl upset.

"Good point." said the old man.

"..."

"..."

"... well?"

"Huh?"

"Are you going to tell me where I am?"

"Oh, yes, of course! Excuse me a second, " the old man cleared his throat. "Well, it's pretty simple, really. You're in the circle of Lust: the place where the condemned souls wait to receive the judgment of Minos as punishment for their sins committed in life "

Pearl was only more confused.

"Hey, can you explain it a little more ... clear?" asked Pearl.

"Of course," replied the guy. "In other words, you're in Hell."

At that time there was a long, uncomfortable silence. It should take about two or three minutes. During that time span, Pearl stared at the old man, who likewise was staring at her. Neither said a word or made any movement during that time. The situation continued for another five minutes until Pearl broke the silence:

"... Excuse me?"

"Is there a problem?"

"Did you say that this is ... Hell? "

"Exactly. You're in Hell "

"... Is it some kind of joke?"

"Ma'am, do you think I'm kidding?" Replied the old man with a very serious face. "I swear on the grave of my grandmother that you are now in Hell; in the second circle, to be exact. "

"Sorry, but I can't believe that," said Pearl. "There is no way this place is " Hell". No. It's completely impossible. "

"Impossible, you say?" questioned the old man. "Why do you say it's impossible?"

"Well, there are several reasons: in fact, the're three reasons why that statement is completlty and irrefutably false."

"And, those reasons would be ...?"

"First, Hell is a myth created by human civilization in its attempt to get people to follow certain orders. Second, Hell, if it's real, is only for persons who have been evil enough and I'm far from being a bad person. And third, there is no proof that what you have said is true, or that you are sane. "

"A myth?" Asked the old man. "Then how do you explain that?"

Pearl looked where the man pointed. She almost fainted at the scene she was witnessing: A giant humanoid figure with horns and a long tail sitting on a huge stone. At the foot of the rock there was a huge line of people formed one after another. The line moved slowly to the foot of the rock, where once a person came, the creature coiled its tail a number of times and the person headed for an unknown destination. Pearl stood mute in amazement.

"If that's not proof, then I do not know anything," said the triumphant old man.

"Th-this has to be a dream. Right? " hesitated Pearl. "Yes, it should be! I'm dreaming! There's no way this is real! "

Pearl started laughing very nervously, drawing the attention of some trainees.

"Come on, it's just a dream," she said, laughing. "There's no way this is Hell. No, this is not real! I can not, no, I must not be in hell! I haven't done anything wrong! I mean, I'm a Crystal Gem! A defender of the earth! It's more than enough for not coming to Hell! I should go to heaven or something! And why would I go to a place after death ?! I have no soul! I'm not even dead! "

At that time, all people and even the humanoid creature turned to see Pearl as if she have insulted someone's mother. Nobody said a word, only looked

"Wait, you're not dead?" Someone finally asked, surprised.

"Of course I'm not! Just got back to my gem to regenerate an injury I suffered in a fight!" screamed Pearl hysterically.

"Regenerate?" Asked another.

"Gem?" Asked another.

"Fight?" Asked someone else

"Hey," asked the old man. "Are you even human?"

"Of course not! Didn't I just say that? I'm a Crystal Gem! I'm a gem from space that defends the Earth from intergalactic threats! I am so far from being a living creature made of carbon! I mean, just look at me! I have a giant pearl on my forehead! Do you think that's human?! "

"I thought it was fake" said one person.

"Who asked you?!"

"You did"

"It was an expression!"

People began to discuss things with each other concerning Pearl's statements and stuff. The whispering continued for a while until the humanoid creature spoke.

"A Crystal Gem?" He said with his booming voice. "By the horns of Satan! How could this happen? In all my years as an infernal judge I have never seen anything of this nature. It is unprecedented! A Crystal Gem comes to Hell! It is the first time a mistake of this magnitude is committed! "

"Wait, mistake?" asked Pearl. "What do you mean by mistake?"

"You see," said the devil, "there are certain times of the year (usually this is one of them) in which we have an excess of available seats, and it turns out that the boss comes up and randomly drag some souls to Hell to fill vacancies. He always brings human souls, but it seems that today he did not pay much attention. "

"You mean I'm here because of nothing?" asked Pearl angrily.

"Basically, yes."

"This is outrageous! A violation for my freedom! I demand to speak to the manager of this place now! "

"Um, I do not recommend doing that, lady" said the demon. "The boss does not usually meet people, also has a very bad temper right now. If I were you, I would think it for a few days before ... "

"No, sir! I am an unhappy person and, as such, I demand that all my complaints need to be addressed "said Pearl determined. "I want to see the boss!"

You really do not want that, miss. ..."

"I said I want to see the boss!" demanded Pearl invoking his spear and aiming it directly at the creature.

Others turned away in fear of the gem, while the creature, startled by the sudden aggressiveness, hesitated before speaking.

"Okay, if you insist so much, I'll let you talk to him."

"Perfect! Where is he? "

"At the bottom of Hell" said the creature to Pearl showing a road going into a kind of hole. "You only have to walk down each of the nine circles to get where the boss is. I warn you that each circle contains many dangers to mortal eyes seem impossible. Be very careful because ... "

"She just went" one person said.

"What?" said the creature puzzled.

He looked for any trace of the gem, but she was gone. The demon then covered his face with his hand in a sign of annoyance.

"Damn. They never let me finish my warning. I spent 20000 years writing it, you know how difficult it is to memorize it? I had to stay awake for a whole century, only to learn the first paragraph! "The creature let out a snort of resignation. "Anyway, on with the sentences, shall we?"

"I don't want to"

"Shut up, Bob."

O ~ o ~ O ~ o ~ O

"What are you doing?" asked Amethyst Steven, who was still sitting on the couch staring at Pearl's Gem plastered to his drawing.

"Waiting" Steven said in a monotone voice. "Just waiting."

"Dude, you've been on that couch for three days, why don't you go outside and have some fun?"

"I can not get out. I have to take care of Pearl until she recovers" was all that Steven said.

"Oh, please Steven" insisted Amethyst. "Just a little while, okay? We can go for a donut. "

The boy didn't responded.

"Or do you prefer some fries?"

"..."

"An ice cream?"

"..."

"A pizza?"

"..."

"Fine, do whatever you want" said Amethyst walking out of the house. "Tell me when you stop being boring."

Steven ignored the words of the purple gem and kept watching Pearl.

"She must come out at any time. Yes, at any time. Maybe now ... or maybe two seconds ... now ... maybe in a minute ... perhaps now ... "

O ~ o ~ O ~ o ~ O

Pearl's patience was about to reach its limit. The descent through the nine circles had been a more difficult task than she thought. Seriously, one more challenge and she would explode (figuratively speaking, of course). After deliberately wander for a moment, Pearl had made it to the ninth and last circle. It looked quite different from the rest of the other circles where she had been. Here, instead of the usual fire that was in the other places, there was nothing but darkness and ice everywhere. The walls, floor, ceiling: anywhere that seemed turned to cry "evil". Pearl, neither slow or lazy, proceeded to search the aforementioned Boss, or Satan, as they had told her he was called. It was not difficult because she found him in the middle of the icy room. He was quite large, much larger than the creatures that had been found first. He had long bat wings flapping on. His whole body was covered with a bright coppery coat and his arms ended in sharp claws. His head was rather peculiar: He had three faces and two pairs of horns; two coming out from his middle head and one coming out from each lateral face. Despite his terrible look, Pearl did not show any fear and went to be face to face with Satan.

"Excuse me sir," said Pearl, drawing attention to the devil.

The creature lowered his head and laid eyes on Pearl. Six eyes analyzed the slim figure of the gem, studying each faction without leaving a single corner unseen. Finally, Satan spoke.

"Who are you?" said as his three mouths spoke in unison.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Pearl: member of the Crystal Gems and defender of the earth" introduced the gem herself cordially.

"What do you want?" Asked Satan unkindly.

"Well," Pearl tried to find the right words to say. "You see, I've come to report that apparently there is a mistake about my current situation. According to some information, I was sent to this place by an oversight and as you will notice, I'm not happy about that oversight. Therefore, I have come to speak to you personally to receive a warm apology and, if possible, to escort me back to where I came from."

"Your talk is boring," said the devil, "and I didn't understood anything of what you said."

"Excuse me?" Said Pearl upset. "I think I made myself quite clear"

"Yeah, whatever" ignored Satan. "Look, stupid creature, I'm in no mood to listen to your absurd requests. Why do not you go away of my sight? "

"Are you forcing me to leave?" claimed Pearl at her boiling point

"Yes, so what?" said Satan.

"Hey! Do you know everything I had to go only to get here and talk to you? "

"Listen, I'm not interested in anything that comes out of your mouth, so go away and leave me alone."

That was all she could bear. Pearl could feel her inexistent blood boiling. Her face had become a full wrath expression, her hands were now fists closed tightly, her head was burning and she seemed to have smoke coming out from his nose. She was bitting her lower lip and had a rather frightening look. The now furious gem could not contain her anger at this rejection and finally let out everything she thought.

"But how dare you to refuse my request ?! I mean, do you think it was easy to lose all those stupid circles ?! It was the worst experience of my life! That said, what kind of architecture is that ?! An inverted cone of nine sections ?! What idiot came up that was a good idea ?! It's the least practical idea of building I've ever seen! And then that damn wall! Seriously! High Hell!? ?! Under Hell !? But, what were you thinking ?! Couldn't they simply leave it in circles, like the rest of this place ?! Do you know what I had to do to make that Minotaur let me pass ?! Amethyst will laugh at me if I told her! And don't make me start with the beasts! A three-headed dog ?! What kind of security requires a giant mythological animal ?! And then ...! "

Satan covered his ears, trying not to hear the complaints of Pearl, but it was useless. The gem was complaining and complaining about trivial things about Hell and everything in it. The complaints continued until they reached a point where the devil no longer endure.

"Enough!" Shouted enraged Satan. "I can not stand any more of your whining! Adirael! Luciphagum! "

At that moment, a couple of demons dressed like security agents were in place

"Say sir," they both said at the same time.

"Get this insolent creature out of here! I do not want to see her in these parts! "

The two demons nodded and immediately took Pearl by both arms and began to drag her. She struggled, unsuccessfully trying to break free.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?! Let me go right now! " Demanded Pearl. "I know my rights! I'll call my lawyer! "

The demons ignored Pearl's threats and continued dragging her until they came to a door marked "Exit". The two demons opened the door. On the other side of it there was a very bright glow, so bright that Pearl had to close her eyes for a moment. Before even asking where was the door, the two demons gave her a kick, expulsing Pearl. Having done that, they shut the door and disappeared. Satan rubbed his head visibly annoyed.

"I bet God does not have to deal with this kind of things."

O ~ o ~ O ~ o ~ O

A week had passed since Pearl returned to her gem to regenerate. Steven was still sitting on the couch watching the gem. He had rejected any kind of invitation to go to either walk or fun. None of that interested him now, at the moment he wanted to see if Pearl returned sometime and he was bored a lot. Amethyst and Garnet were sitting with him, hoping the same way as Pearl's return in order to get Steven off the couch.

"This is very boring," complained Amethyst. "How long must we wait for Pearl, again?"

"She must come back anytime" said Steven without taking his eyes off the gem. "Maybe in a few seconds."

"You've been saying the same thing every day for a week! It isn't as if in three seconds she'll be out of her gem and ... "

At the time, Pearl's gem began to glow. Steven, Garnet and Amethyst watched intently as the gem began to float and, in a second, a glow filled the house completely, making their eyes filled. The glow continued for a while until it died. When that glow had cleared, the three turned to see what had happened and saw that Pearl had already regenerated. She observed everywhere and realized that she had returned to the house.

"What the ...? Steven! Garnet! Amethyst! I'm glad to see you! " said Pearl to everyone in the room.

"Pearl! You came back!" shouted Steven with joy when he lunged to Pearl giving her a big hug. She responded to the affection.

"Oh, Steven. I missed you," said Pearl. "You and all of you. Seriously, you will not believe what happened to me! You see, I was ..."

"Your clothes are on fire" Garnet interrupted.

"What?"

Pearl, confused, examined her body and saw that the leader was right: the bow tied to her belly was on fire. Frightened, Pearl started screaming and then lied down and started rolling. Steven looked confused as Amethyst could not help but laugh at that scene. Garnet showed no expression, but seemed to be enjoying the show. Pearl kept rolling on the floor until she could put out the fire. She sighed exhausted and stood up.

"Woah, Pearl! What happened?" asked Steven curiously." Why were you burning?

"It's a long story," said Pearl. "A story that I'd rather not tell you now."

That said, Pearl went to the temple's door, opened it and went to her room. There were many things in her head and she needed some time alone. It was not yet time to tell her adventures, after all, who would believe her?

O ~ o ~ O ~ o ~ O

In field full of green grass as far as the eye could see and trees full of all kinds of fruit, there was a large golden door. At the entrance of that gate, St. Peter was reading a thick book until he heard someone approaching. Realizing that, St. Peter kept his book and instead got an inkwell, a pen and a notebook, ready to do his job.

"Welcome to the Paradise: home of God, angels and all the saints. Could you tell me your ... " St. Peter stopped to see who had arrived: a small female figure with white hair and purple skin was standing right in front of him. "My God! You Again? "

"'sup, Pete?" said Amethyst casually. "How are you doing?"

"But hey! What happened this time?" asked St. Peter, surprised.

"I hit an airplane" said Amethyst without giving much importance to the matter.

"Again? It is the fifth time this year!" St. Peter let out a sigh. "Anyway, you already know: do not bother anyone and try not to break anything this time. "

"I don't promise anything," was the last thing Amethyst said before going touring the countryside.

Once she left. St. Peter began rubbing his temples

"Oh, Lord. I can not understand how even you let her come here every time she has to regenerate. Nor I understand how I have to be the one that deals with everything she does. "

The sound of something breaking was heard in the distance and Peter, not surprised, took a broom and went to clean whatever Amethyst had broken.

The End

Good morning, afternoon, evening or whatever. I am El Escritor Desconocido (the Unknown Writer).

As you can see, I have decided to raise a new story, more specifically a One-shot. This is the first comedy story I write and, in my opinion, has been pretty good to me, something long but can be read. It is also the first time I write in other language (I speak spanish) so don't be surprised if you see some typos.

It occurred to me to write about Steven Universe, as the series has caught me and was also the first that came to my mind when I had this idea. I know that it seems to make no sense but, as I said, is a humorous story, with no intention of being taken seriously.

Whatever. Enough I said, and I say goodbye.

Unknown Writer has Spoken and said: see you soon