Apparently that last What If chapter has put my mind in the gutter.

Anyway, my goal was to make this hilarious and sexy. I hope I accomplished that. ;)

Lexa was not one for complaining, but even she could agree that Earth's summers were far too hot and hardly the time of year for exertion. And yet, they were the busiest time for the Trikru. Besides all of the usual things her people must attend to – such as clothing, weapon and building repairs – there was now the added element of farming. Lexa was not above helping out in the fields. Long hours in the heat took its toll on her, hat or no. The insects sometimes swarmed and Lexa could not defend herself as she would with a larger enemy, the nasty creatures biting everywhere her skin was exposed; which was a lot. Unless they were at war, she would forgo her formal attire and wear only a loose fitting top and mid calf high pants. This year the toil was more bearable because Clarke was right there beside her, and they would steal kisses here and there when they needed a break.

In previous years she had often forgotten about her own birthday. Clarke had not and they were currently sitting across from one another in her house having dinner. An electric fan designed by Raven Reyes provided them with some much needed relief. Lexa wished their own engineers could have created something like that a long time ago. Then again, the scavenged solar panel grid outside of Polis was a very recent development, also courtesy of the Sky People, some of whom had taken up residence not too far away from the city.

Their dinner was something neither of them had had before, something utterly delicious, albeit messy.

"What was this called again?" she asked in-between bites of the wondrous stuff.

"Pizza."

The pizza was a combination of ingredients her people had never thought to try together. The 'toppings' consisted of strips of bacon and other meats familiar to Lexa.

"Do you like it?"

A little bit too greasy for my tastes.

"It's my favourite thing right now," she smirked, "besides you of course."

Clarke gave her a gracious smile in return. "Right back at you." She held up her glass of wine. "Here's to our favourite things."

They clinked metal glasses and resumed eating, Lexa questioning on the pizza making process. Clarke claimed it was no trouble, but Lexa knew otherwise. Yes, Clarke had sway with her people, but even the most gracious of them would not have just given Clarke all the ingredients she needed. Considering the limited amounts of wheat harvested and milk produced, they never had very much bread and cheese at any given point throughout the year. Not only that, but bread was especially arduous to make. That's why their diets mostly consisted of meats and berries.

After the pizza, Clarke went over to the mysterious cold box she had been forbidden from opening. Clarke came back with a small container and placed it on the table before her.

"Go on, open it up."

Lexa did. There was a solid white substance within. "What is it?"

"Vanilla ice cream," Clarke said proudly, brandishing two spoons from behind her back.

Lexa took one and dipped it into the ice cream. Clarke did the same. They both took a bite. It instantly melted on her tongue, sending a delightful flavour swirling around her mouth.

The pizza was good. The ice cream was excellent, especially on such a humid day. Clarke closed her eyes and practically moaned. "This is better than sex."

"Really, Clarke?" said Lexa with an eyebrow raised, not sure whether or not to be offended.

"You'll never know," was the cheeky response.

Lexa nudged her with her elbow and Clarke smirked, nudging her back.

Between the two of them, it didn't take long to polish off the contents. Clarke had more than her fair share, but Lexa didn't mind. She always enjoyed watching Clarke enjoy herself.

"This has been lovely, Clarke," Lexa said, holding out her sweaty hand. "Thank you."

Clarke grasped it across the table with an equally damp palm. "Just wait till you see what I've got planned for the entertainment."

"There's more?" pondered Lexa aloud, already blown away by the amount of effort Clarke had put into her birthday gift. One thing was for certain, Lexa would have her work cut out for her come Clarke's birthday in October.

In response, Clarke raised an eyebrow suggestively and grinned mischievously. Lexa's heartbeat quickened ever so slightly as Clarke stood up and led her into the bedroom. The sturdy chair Lexa used most mornings to braid either her own hair or Clarke's, had been moved away from its usual place by the dresser and over into the middle of the room.

"Sit," Clarke said simply.

Anticipation mounting, Lexa eagerly plopped herself down in the chair, impatiently waiting while Clarke rummaged around for something in the closet. When she apparently found it, she kept it out of view with her body and said, "Close your eyes, Lexa. Don't open them until I say so. Okay?"

Lexa nodded a few times, a smile spreading on her features. From what she could tell, Clarke was shedding her clothing - something that desperately made her want to peek - but she held firm, and waited for permission. It wasn't the first time they had 'played games' like this, though they had never been as elaborate or mysterious.

There was some rustling, cursing and then bare, sticky feet padding across the wooden floor. She smelt Clarke nearby and then felt a rough rope being tied across her wrist. This was definitely new territory.

"Clarke?" she said uncertainly, stiffening.

Callused fingertips glided across her bare shoulders. "Just relax, Lexa." Another rope secured her other wrist to the chair. Lexa did not like being completely submissive. It wasn't in her nature. Which must have been the precise reason Clarke had deemed the ropes necessary. When she was finally allowed to see what all the fuss was about, she involuntarily strained against her tight restraints.

Lexa gaped at the titillating specimen that was her girlfriend. Clarke was wearing some sort of beguiling outfit Lexa had never seen the like of before. The top part was intricately designed and both pushed Clarke's bosom up higher than usual, as well as slimmed her waist. A fair amount of cleavage was showing and there were a series of vertical bows trailing down the torso. The bottom half was made of very little material, only just covering up Clarke's intimate area, a place she was having trouble tearing her eyes away from.

"Where did you get that?" she queried when she could finally speak past the wasteland like dryness of her mouth.

The self satisfied smirk that had been steadily growing, grew larger still. "For all their prim and properness, those mountain women sure were kinky." Clarke winked. "You wouldn't believe the other stuff I found there."

If Lexa had been thinking coherently, she would have asked how well Clarke washed the likely used garments before donning them. As it was, cleanliness was the last thing on her mind. Already she wished to touch Clarke all over. This experience was going to be very trying on her nerves.

"This is for my Sexy Lexy," Clarke continued, before turning around to fiddle with something on the nightstand. Lexa bit her lip, stifling a groan. If she thought the front piece of the underwear was scant, the back was far worse, with only a single strip of fabric for cover.

Music started playing unseen. Upon further investigation, she saw there was a little electronic device on the nightstand, presumably something else Clarke had taken from the mountain during her most recent visit to Camp Griffin, a visit she now understood why she was excluded from.

The music was soft and enticing and consisted solely of a piano and violin. With her back to her, Clarke started swaying to the music, her hips moving back and forth until Lexa was absolutely mesmerized.

Then her girlfriend shattered the spell by turning around, running her hands up and down her sides and body in a slow methodical way, occasionally grasping at her breasts. Sweat was trickling down into the depths of the outfit. Lexa started to squirm, the harshness of the ropes burning against her wrists. Clarke continued to gently dance as she moved closer, keeping eye contact all the while. Lexa licked her lips when Clarke was nearly in reach. She tried to work a hand free, but Clarke caught her in the act and lightly swatted her.

"I knew you wouldn't want to stay put," she said with an evil grin, as she placed her hands over top Lexa's bound ones, undulating her body forward like a wave. Clarke's breasts kept just about hitting her in the face and Lexa was screaming on the inside. She had never been physically tortured before, but right about now, she thought a thousand cuts would be preferable.

Clarke turned around and proceeded to wiggle her buttocks over Lexa's lap, never quite touching her, making this all the more maddening. Then she dipped down, deliberately stayed that way for longer than necessary and finally ran a hand up her inner thigh. Lexa was on the verge of begging Clarke to stop this cruelty and touch her, when the music changed. Four women harmonized about being soul sisters, and for a second Lexa thought this would relate to her beliefs about reincarnation. Then the music became more upbeat and one of the women continued to sing about something called Moulin Rouge and 'strutting her stuff'.

Clarke presumably started to do just that as she launched into some sort of routine – hands on intimate areas, whipping hair around, crouching down and spreading her legs - her alluring movements timed to the clunking beat. While more exuberant than what she was doing before, Lexa found it just as captivating, maybe even more so. Heat caused by something other than the temperature blazed through her. If her cotton shirt and pants hadn't been drenched before, they definitely were now.

The women started to speak in a foreign tongue, saying the same thing over and over. Vulay something...

"Clarke," she said slowly, as her darkened eyes followed her girlfriend's every move, "do you know what they are saying?"

Clarke smirked but didn't respond, swinging her hips around. Another more angry sounding lady started to sing. Lexa tried to let it go and just enjoy the show, but Clarke began saying it with them the next time the line repeated, staring Lexa down, her skin also flushed and dripping with sweat.

"Clarke, if you know what they are saying, tell me!"

"Not so fun when the shoes on the other foot, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

Clarke danced over by her right side leaning in to hover just in front of her lips. Lexa's eyes dropped to them and she struggled some more to free herself. "When we first started dating, you purposely said things to me in Trigedasleng and refused to elaborate. It drove me insane." Clarke moved over to her left side, trailing a finger over Lexa's lips. "Remember that?"

Shoe on the other foot. Ah.

"Snarky Clarkey," she replied with a scowl, accenting the k's even more than usual.

She didn't really care for 'Sexy Lexy' but Clarke always insisted on calling her that when they became intimate.

"What was that?" Clarke said with a glare.

Lexa tilted her head around the room. "So all of this was punishment for my past indiscretion?"

"Are you telling me you aren't enjoying this?" she said, rubbing her buttocks on her arm.

Lexa fumed a little more before Clarke rolled her eyes and said, "Okay, okay. It's your birthday. I'll be nice."

Clarke went behind her, placed her hands on Lexa's shoulders and then slid them down into her moist shirt. It took a few squeezes before Lexa was less grumpy. When Clarke started kissing her neck too, Lexa completely forgave her, sighing into the actions.

"Come here now."

Clarke rounded the chair and sat in Lexa's lap, trailing a finger down her forehead, and then licking it slowly, sensuously. "Nice and sweaty. Just the way I like you."

Finally she wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck and leaned in enough so that she could kiss her. It was still irritating to not be able to hold Clarke, but compared to the rest of the evening's 'entertainment' - and really who precisely was being entertained? - this was a blessing. Perhaps she was overzealous in her desperate and greedy kisses because Clarke pulled back, her tongue gliding along a bloody lip.

"Naughty, naughty," she said to Lexa. "This is how I punish bad girls."

Clarke repositioned herself so that she was straddling only one thigh and then proceeded to rub herself against Lexa, throwing her head back and exaggerating moans. Clarke popped an eye open to gauge her reaction. Refusing to play her game, Lexa stared at her impassively, even though she was inwardly crying. So Clarke stopped, reached over and placed her fingers to the front of Lexa's pants. When Lexa instinctively lifted up, her girlfriend cupped her crotch, pressing firmly and rocking the heel of her hand back and forth. As Lexa tried not to moan, Clarke took the back of her head and stuck it into her cleavage, keeping her face firmly in place. It was a bit hard to breathe but Lexa was okay with that and began suckling what salty skin she could reach. Clarke grabbed her head with both hands, shoving her face in even further and grinded into Lexa's thigh some more. This time the sounds that came from her girlfriend were genuine. Lexa would have delighted in this except the lack of oxygen was making her light headed.

"Clarke, I can't breathe," she mumbled into Clarke's chest.

Clarke continued to move against her oblivious to her dilemma. Apparently she couldn't hear past the loud music (some sort of pulsing, nondescript beat) and her own pleasure. Lexa now felt similar to being wounded and suffering from blood loss. She would pass out soon if she didn't do something. Her sore wrists were still securely tied, so she lifted up the leg Clarke wasn't enjoying herself on and hit her hard in the side with her knee.

"Hey!" exclaimed Clarke in annoyance.

Lexa grumbled and shimmied around as much as she could with her fading strength.

"Oh, sorry!" Clarke said, releasing her iron grip on her head.

Lexa gladly dragged in the musky air available to her, before glaring up at Clarke.

"I said I was sorry," she muttered, embarrassed. "Guess I got a little carried away." Then she grinned. "I'll make it up to you."

She gave Lexa a few quick kisses before slinking off and kneeling. Clarke took her shoes, pants and underwear off. Then she pulled her lower half forward, spreading her legs. Lexa knew what was coming and was unable to keep her breathing steady. Clarke smiled up at her before leaning in, gripping her inner thighs. Lexa bucked against her initial ministration - hitting her head on the back of the chair - and then relaxed into it, closing her eyes as Clarke's tongue worked her over.

Not much time passed before Clarke abruptly stopped and left the room altogether. Lexa was really getting fed up with the teasing and games. When she got free she was going to make Clarke pay dearly.

"Clarke!" she exclaimed, yanking at the ropes savagely. This time there was some give and she managed to loosen her right wrist ever so slightly. She worked on that for a bit, cursing herself for teaching Clarke how to tie so well. She ignored the rope burns she was causing, until she was able to slip her hand out. Once she freed the other, she stormed after Clarke, pantless, throbbing and seeking revenge.

"Clarke, where are you?!" she yelled throughout the small house, unable to locate her girlfriend. Lexa became anxious and turned to go put on her pants so that she could look further outside. Before she reached the front door, Clarke poked her head in, holding her stomach, looking terribly dizzy and ill. All of her indignation vanished in an instant.

"Clarke, what's happened?" she asked concernedly, taking her arm and leading her over to a kitchen chair.

Lexa knelt, holding her hand.

Clarke groaned and said, "I think- I think the food I made was a little too rich for my tastes." She tugged at the top of the outfit while huge amounts of sweat poured off her now very pale skin. It was clear to Lexa that the clothing was only exasperating Clarke's symptoms, if indeed it was not the sole cause.

Lexa reached up to point the cool breeze from the fan towards them. Clarke sighed appreciatively.

"You need to take that off, Clarke. You're suffering from heat exhaustion."

"But," Clarke protested feebly, "I wasn't finished being sexy yet."

I think you mean devilish.

"I don't care what you wear, Clarke," she said, squeezing her hand. "You're always attractive to me, no matter what."

This wasn't strictly true. During the winter months, Clarke had suffered from her first cold. Lexa had never known so much mucous could pour out of one person or that Clarke was capable of complaining that much.

Resigned, Clarke nodded, let Lexa stand her up and fiddle with the ties until the strange thing was removed. Clarke sighed appreciatively again while Lexa placed the stiff piece of whatever it was on the table. Still, Clarke wasn't feeling much better, so Lexa gave her some water and something to sleep and led her to the bed to lie down, ever aware of Clarke's soft naked form pressed against her side. Then she retrieved the fan and brought it to the bedroom. Clarke grabbed her hand before Lexa could leave.

"I'm sorry for ruining your birthday surprise."

There were many ways to respond to this, most of which were vaguely mean spirited. Lexa hated seeing Clarke ill though so she settled on sincerity.

"You choosing me everyday is gift enough." Clarke smiled in a dopey way at that, the sleeping draught already taking effect. Lexa kissed her forehead. "Now rest."

As she was leaving, she noticed something underneath the chair. She picked up the cylindrical device and studied it closely in the lantern light. There appeared to be small ridges along its length and a button on the top. Curiousity peaked, she pressed the button and the device started to vibrate in her hand, nearly causing her to drop it in surprise.

Chit?!

Lexa turned around to question Clarke, but her girlfriend was snoring softly. She puzzled over its function for awhile, enjoying the massaging sensation in her hand. Then she thought about what Clarke had said about the mountain women and what they themselves had been up to only moments before. Lexa grinned slightly. Perhaps her birthday celebration was not quite yet finished?

So how many of you will now use the terms Sexy Lexy and Snarky Clarkey? xD

I was literally roflmfao with this one. I really shouldn't write drunk. Kidding.

And now on to Chapter 2: The fearless raccoon commander uses a vibrator for the first time. :p Again, kidding.