Summary: After being told that he can't have a pet, Foop takes in a creature he finds in the streets and tries to hide it from his parents.

Hey, everyone! I've brought you a "Fairly Odd Parents" spin-off series type thing! I hope you enjoy!

Anti-Fairly Odd Pet

"Let go!" Anti-Cosmo cried out as he tried to yank his favorite novel away from the creature trying to take it. "Let go, you animal!"

Oblivious to the commotion, Foop floated into the living room. "Father, can I have a dog?"

Anti-Cosmo glanced at him, only half interested. "In case you haven't noticed, we already have a dog of sorts." He gave the novel another yank, but his wife, who was holding on to the book with her teeth, wouldn't relent. "Let go! This is not tug-of-war!"

Anti-Wanda let go, and the force of his own pulling sent Anti-Cosmo hurtling into the wall. "But, I wanna read it," Anti-Wanda whined.

Being magic, Anti-Cosmo quickly recovered from his collision. Rubbing his now-aching head, he reminded her, "You can't read, you twit."

"I know, but you promised to teach me."

Foop ignored his mother and focused on his own problem. "Come on, Father. Poof has a dog. As his counterpart, don't you think I should have a dog, as well?"

"Foop, if Poof perished in a pit of fire, would you want to suffer the same fate?" Anti-Cosmo asked pointedly.

"That's different. If Poof perished then, as his counterpart, I would perish whether I wanted to or not," Foop pointed out. "Besides, a dog, whose not the Anti-Sparky, is a loyal companion, who you can cuddle with and pet and train to obliterate your enemies."

Anti-Cosmo rolled his eyes. "So is your mother. Frankly, I can't believe you would want a pet of any kind. Animals are filthy." His face wrinkled with disgust at his next thought. "For badness sake, they lick themselves and call it bathing!"

"So does Mother," Foop added smugly.

Anti-Cosmo ignored the truth of the statement. "Foop, a dog is a big responsibility. One that I'm not entirely certain you're ready for."

Foop looked hopefully at his mother. "Mother, you're an animal-lover. You'll vouch for me, right?"

"Well, I don't know what vouching is," Anti-Wanda smiled suddenly, "but when I agree with your daddy, he gives me treats!" So, as a reward for agreeing with him, Anti-Cosmo poofed her up a snack that strongly resembled a dog biscuit. "See?" She grabbed it with her feet and started nibbling on it, as her husband patted her on the head and her son floated off grumbling.

If anything, school made Foop's mood even worse. He'd flunked his spelling test - his father would repremand him for that, later - and the bomb he'd implanted in the gymnasium turned out to be a dud. Worst of all, during lunch Poof kept going on about all the crazy things his magic dog, Sparky, had been doing.

"Sparky using me as a chew toy was fun for a while," Poof was telling his friend, Sammy Sweetsparkle, "but it's starting to get annoying."

From his seat at the other end of the table, Foop growled at Poof's comment. The fairy-baby should have felt lucky to have Sparky. His parents actually let him have it. Well... they let Timmy Turner have it...but Sparky was technically Poof's dog, too!

"You okay, pal?" A voice snapped Foop out of his thoughts as a girl sat down across from him. "You look like you're gonna explode in place of that bomb you put in the gym."She took a huge bite out of her pizza and spoke with her mouth full. "You know, one that turned out to be a dud?" Anti-Goldie Anti-Goldenglow had only been in Spellementary School for a week, but being the only anti-fairies in the school, she and Foop had become fast friends. Like her counterpart, she was triangular and wore her hair in two pigtails, but that was where the similarities ended. She had red eyes and black hair and wore a dark blue dress and black boots. Unlike her counterpart, she had a northern American accent (the opposite of Goldie's Southern accent) and black bat wings.

"Oh, it's nothing, Anti-Goldie," Foop groaned. "My father's just being a word-I-can't-say-on-a-K-plus-rated-fanfiction. All I wanted was a dog, but he was all," his voice became higher pitched as he mocked his father, "'You're not responsible, blah, blah, blah!'"

Anti-Goldie glanced at her friend's hands, slightly unnerved, and swallowed the chewed-up pizza in her mouth. "I can see your upset."

"What was your first clue?"

"Well, you're, uh, hurting your burrito." Foop looked down and realized that he'd been squeezing the filling out of his burrito. "If you want a pet so bad, why don't you just do what Megan on Drake and Josh did?"

"You mean, bake an exploding birthday cake?"

"Wrong episode, Foop. I'm talking about the one where she got a sheep and hid it in the basement."

"Hm," Foop pondered the thought as he spooned some burrito-filling into his mouth. "I don't know..." He swallowed. "I could easily hide a dog from Mother, but Father's highly intelligent." Of course, how often did he follow rules? "Oh, what the heck? But, if this backfires, I'm blaming you."

After school, Foop did his homework and went to meet with Anti-Goldie. He would have met with her first, but his father had seen his spelling test grade online and, as Foop predicted, reprimanded him about studying harder, so Foop did his homework first.

The anti-babies had poofed to the Anti-Pet Store, but the only dog there was Anti-Sparky, and Foop was not dealing with him again. And, the other animals all tried to either eat, burn, poison, or spit acid at them, so they fled the place.

"Well, that was a waste of time," Anti-Goldie commented as the two of them floated down the street. She scratched her arm, which had been bitten by a magic wolf. "And, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna turn into a werewolf." She heard a strange noise nearby. "Did you hear something?"

"Just the sound of my own frustration," grumbled Foop, whose skin still stung from petting that poison wartfrog, not knowing that it was poison wartfrog until it was too late. The sound came again. "Wait, I hear it now. It sounds a bit like a pig."

They looked down and found a creature staring up at them with small black eyes. It looked like an ordinary pig, but with very pale blue skin, tiny black bat wings, and two small, pure white fangs sticking out of its mouth. The anti-babies floated to the ground to get a closer look, and it touched Anti-Goldie with its black foot. To her and Foop's amazement, the bite mark on Anti-Goldie's arm glowed gold and faded away, as though it was never there to begin with. The creature then touched Foop, whose entire body glowed gold then returned to normal, leaving him feeling even better than before he was poisoned.

"Whoa..." The awestruck anti-babies said.

"I-I feel amazing!" Anti-Goldie laughed.

Foop grinned. "Me too! I feel like a new man...er, baby." He looked quizzically at the pig-like creature before him. "How in Anti-Fairy World did you do that?" Then, he noticed the three light gray stars just aboved one of its hind legs. "Anti-Goldie, I think this thing is magic! Maybe, I could have it as a pet!"

Anti-Goldie would have agreed, except... "We don't even know what it is."

Foop raised his magic bottle and poofed up a book titled, 'Magical and Non-Magical Creatures.' "So, we'll look it up in Father's book." He started flipping through the pages. "But, it's a big book. It may take a while to find- Oh, here it is. Apparently, this thing is a hybrid of a pig and a vampire, known as a vampig."

Anti-Goldie rolled her eyes. "How very creative."

Foop continued reading. "Vampigs have a natural instinct to heal the sick or injured, so evil creatures, such as anti-fairies, used to hunt them for sport. They ceased this activity when vampigs became classified as 'critically endangered,' and now a large fine is charged for the intentional killing one."

"The healing instinct is kind of disturbing, so I can see why people would hunt them," Anti-Goldie commented, "but this thing is so cute!" She patted it on the head and frowned. "Hm, it's like petting a corpse. Uh, not that I've done that." She raised an eyebrow in thought. "You know, Foop, despite its corpse-like feel and the fact that it smells like a decaying body, this thing actually sounds like it would be a good pet. All we'd have to do is hide it from your parents." She raised her magic rattle, which was dark gray with a black stripe. "We'll just poof it to your basement, and-" Her rattle drooped.

"And, Father poof-proofed the castle from the outside. Also, this book says that vampigs are immune to magic."

Anti-Goldie deadpanned. "That figures. So, how do we sneak it in?"

Foop poofed this book away. "We'll have to create a diversion of some kind." Anti-Goldie smiled deviously at him. "What?"

"This better work," Foop muttered, "or Anti-Goldie is going to perish in a pit of fire." He knocked on the door to his father's study (he and his mother weren't allowed in there without permission). Anti-Cosmo opened the door, looking rather annoyed. "Uh, hello, Father. I-"

"Foop," Anti-Cosmo interrupted, "you know you're not supposed to interupt me, when I'm plotting the downfall of my enemies."

Foop swallowed, really hating Anti-Goldie's idea but not having a better one. "I-I know, Father, but this is important."

Anti-Cosmo raised a skepticle eyebrow. "More important than plotting the downfall of my enemies?"

"It, um, it-it's about a girl." Anti-Cosmo's eyes widened comically. "I-I have these...feelings, when I'm around her..."

"Oh, um," Anti-Cosmo awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, that is important. I-I don't really have 'the talk' prepared, but-"

"The talk?" Foop's stomach knotted. He had heard about 'the talk' from watching cartoons. Although he didn't actually know what it was, it was apparently pretty disturbing. "You know...I-I think I hear Mother calling me-"

But, his father had already raised his wand and poofed them away in a cloud that read, 'No Way Out!' He'd poofed them into chairs in his study and poofed a projector and screen in front of them. Foop looked questionly at him, and Anti-Cosmo explained, "I don't have the talk prepared, myself, but I do have this video I found on Internet."

Before Foop could protest, the video began. 'The Talk' appeared in big letters on the screen. When the letters faded, a human man appeared in place of them. "Hello, growing boys and unprepared fathers," the man greeted. "I'm TV's Adam West, here to tell you all about the exciting journey from boyhood to older boyhood!"

"Let it never be said that I didn't suffer to acheive my goals," an anxious Foop commented to no one in particular.

While Anti-Cosmo was distracted, and Anti-Wanda was nowhere to be found, Anti-Goldie had managed to sneak the vampig down to the basement. It cautiously sniffed its surroundings, checking for anything that might harm its new friend. (The square male had given it an apple core to munch on, and it liked anything that offered it food.)

Anti-Goldie froze when she heard a familiar Southern accent call "Is someone down there? I heard something weird, and it wasn't the weird stuff I usually hear." Thinking quickly, Anti-Goldie shoved the vampig into a pile of boxes and smiled innocently when Anti-Wanda arrived. She smiled and waved at the triangular baby. "Hiya, Anti-Goldie! Whatcha doin' in the basement?"

"U-um..." Anti-Goldie struggled to think of an excuse. "Foop and I...are working on a science project! And, we're doing it in the basement because...there's more gravity down here?"

Anti-Wanda just looked blankly at her, and Anti-Goldie started sweating, thinking the older anti-fairy didn't believe her. Then, Anti-Wanda grinned. "That makes sense!" She sniffed the air and detected a foul but familar stench. "What smells like a decaying body?"

"Um...the body of the guy Foop and I murdered!" Anti-Goldie slapped her hand over her mouth, realizing what she'd just said.

To her surprise and relief, Anti-Wanda just nodded. "Yeah. I always knew Foop would kill Timmy Turner, one day."

Anti-Goldie blinked twice in shock of how calm Anti-Wanda was being. "Uh, yeah." The vampig oinked and moved around underneath the pile of boxes it was buried under. "Whoops! Looks like he's not dead! Better take care of that!" She poofed Anti-Wanda away and sighed in relief. "That was close." The vampig crawled out from underneath the boxes. "You really do smell like a decaying body."

"And, now you know where babies come from!" Adam West said cheerfully. "This is TV's Adam West saying, 'Here's to losing your childhood!'"

Though releived the video was over, Foop was still traumatized. Half-way through, he had curled up on his chair and started sucking his thumb and was still doing so.

"So, Foop," Anti-Cosmo said, oblivious to his child's discomfort, "do you have any questions?"

Foop stopped sucking his thumb. "Will my childhood ever be the same?"

Anti-Cosmo pondered that question then shrugged. "Probably not."

Foop shuddered and poofed away in a cloud that read, 'Traumatized!' He appeared in the basement and found Anti-Goldie spraying the vampig with a garden hose. "What are you doing to Vladimir?"

"Trying to get the smell of decay off him, so no one will notice-" She stopped spraying. "Vladimir?"

"Yeah. That's what I'm calling my new vampig: Vladimir, after St. Vladimir, the Russian vampire who could heal others, like this vampig does." Anti-Goldie just stared. He'd really put a lot of thought into the creature's name...apparently. "Anyway, you may as well head home, Anti-Goldie. I think I can take care of things from here."

Anti-Goldie raised an eyebrow. "Ya sure about that? I mean, your mom almost found Vladimir, and your dad's, like, a lot smarter than her..."

They heard a poof nearby, and tensed up when they heard Anti-Cosmo's excited voice. "Where is it? Where is the decaying corpse of my enemy?" Foop kicked Vladimir back into the boxes and smiled innocently. He almost flinched at the pride in his father's eyes. "Ah, my son. Your mother tells me that you've managed to vanquish Timothy Turner! If that's true, then I couldn't be more proud! If it's not, well, then I couldn't more disappointed."

Foop was completely clueless, and Anti-Goldie felt bad for not telling him about her hasty lie. He whispered to her, "Anti-Goldie, I don't know what he's talking about."

Anti-Cosmo was too happy to hear him. "Oh, I smell a decaying body! It must be Timothy! Where is the body?" He poofed up his cellphone. "I'd really like to take a picture and use it as my wallpaper."

Foop looked to Anti-Goldie for help, but she just smiled sheepishly and poofed away in a cloud that read, 'Sorry!' Silently vowing to get his revenge on her later, Foop gulped as he returned to the matter at hand. Perhaps he could magically- No, anti-fairy magic couldn't directly kill someone. Maybe he could give Turner enough bad luck to-

Vladimir crawled out from the pile of boxes and shook off the dust.

Anti-Cosmo started at the creature for a moment. "A vampig? How did-" Oh. That's why Foop was acting so strange. Anti-Cosmo glared at him. "Foop? Do you know why this creature is in our basement?"

Foop swallowed thickly, knowing he'd be in huge trouble for bringing a wild animal into the house. "Um, well... It was Anti-Goldie's idea! She told me to hide it from you!"

Anti-Cosmo ignored the outburst. "Foop, I said you could not have a pet."

"Technically," Foop clarified, "you said I couldn't have a dog. Vladimir is clearly not a dog."

Anti-Cosmo raised an eyebrow. "Vladimir? You even named it?"

"Oh, he's so adorable!" Anti-Wanda squealed. She was petting Vladimir harshly. Vladimir just smiled, as though nothing was happening. "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie? Who feels like corpse?"

"Heel, Anti-Wanda!" Anti-Cosmo ordered. Anti-Wanda sat on her haunches like a dog.

Foop ignored his mother. "Father, I know you're mad, but you told me I couldn't have a dog, specifically. So, in a way, it's your fault I smuggled in this vampig." Anti-Cosmo wanted desperately to argue, but the logic was hard to argue with. "Come on, Father. I'll take care of him. I'll feed him and clean up after him and teach him to vanquish our enemies." He put on his best puppy eyes. "Please? I'm saying please. That's how much I want this."

Anti-Cosmo sighed in defeat. "I guess it's okay. After all, if I say no, chances are something like this will happen again. Besides, it's not like you'd be dumb enough to bring a wild animal into the castle. I'd never let you keep a wild animal."

"Uh, yeah." Foop decided to avoid mentioning that Vladimir was a wild animal.

"I agree with Anti-Cosmo!" Anti-Wanda exclaimed suddenly. Her husband poofed her another dog biscuit as a reward for agreeing with him. "Yay! Treat!"

While she ate the biscuit with her feet, Anti-Cosmo said to his son. "However, Foop, there is still the of your punishment for disobeying me..."

Foop gulped.

"Why am I here?" Anti-Goldie whined.

She and Foop were tied to chairs in Anti-Cosmo's study. Anti-Cosmo was setting up the projector after confiscating their magic rattle and bottle.

"Because," Anti-Cosmo answered, "Foop says that you had as much to do with this whole vampig-situation as he did."

Foop glared at her. "Also, you deserted me, so you and I are both going to suffer through...whatever this is!"

Anti-Cosmo gave them both an evil smirk. "Enjoy the program. Hopefully, this will teach you ninnies not to disobey me."

He poofed away as the video started. Adam West appeared on the projector screen. "Hello, children! I'm TV's Adam West, here to show you an up close, personal, and very traumatizing look at what happens the moment a baby is born!"

The anti-babies' cries of "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" could be heard for miles.

The End

I will now list the allusions in this episode, like they do on the Wiki sites.

Gravity Falls: Foop getting a pet pig was inspired by Mabel's pig, Waddles.

Drake and Josh: The events of "Josh Runs Into Oprah" and "Sheep Thrills" are mentioned.

Victorious: Foop 'hurts his burrito' like Jade does in "Jade Dumps Beck."

Vampire Academy: Foop mentions St. Vladimir.

So, what do you think? I don't think Foop was too OOC. After all, he's a little boy, and his father's as evil as he is. Plus, Foop seems to become less of a threat as the series progresses.

Anyway, if you have an episode idea, I'd love to hear- I mean, read it! If I like it, I might use it! Until next time, review!