The Data Compilation

by RJ1013

Summary: In the wake of events from the Season 8 finale, Sheldon comes to accept some unsettling truths. A strange and amusing evolution awaits for a strange and amusing couple.

Rating: M, but not right away. I'm not quite there yet…

Spoilers: up to and including the Season 8 finale

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.

As with my first story, this is already fully written. There will be a chapter posted every day, assuming that life does not get in my way. Thanks for reading!

—

I.

Thai food night is not the same without Amy. Penny knows that it is going to be weird, especially at first. She's had plenty of practice adjusting to oddness, though, with these wonderful, misfit friends of hers.

With everyone gathered, Sheldon takes the opportunity to explain the situation to his friends that have not yet been made aware. Everyone remains silent while he explains about Amy's request for some time to think. When he finishes his explanation, silence reigns for almost a full minute while the news soaks in. Penny had thought that her and Leonard's unsuccessful shot at getting married would have been the toughest news of the weekend, but it looks like Sheldon and Amy might have them beat. She knows that she and Leonard will get there in time, that this weekend in Vegas was simply not the right moment. With Sheldon and Amy, she's not quite sure of anything.

Penny has had enough of the silence. "Well, that's five years longer than any other woman on earth would've put up with your crap."

She's only half-joking. Amy has been patient with Sheldon to an almost inhuman degree, and she's not surprised to hear that her friend now needs a little space.

"You're not going to start acquiring cats, are you? Or assembling a death ray?" Leonard asks with a raised eyebrow.

Penny's not sure if he's saying that in jest or if he's serious. Sheldon has been known to do these kinds of things for real, after all.

Sheldon shoots a glare at both her and his soon to be ex-roommate. "I must say, this is not the kind of helpful support that I had in mind when I invited you all over here for your input."

He was calm during his initial explanation of recent events, but he seems peeved at the direction the conversation has taken. He sets down his takeout container in a non-gentle fashion, the styrofoam box making a sad little thumping sound on the coffee table. Perhaps he has lost his appetite. He wasn't eating much anyway, and it's not an uncommon feeling during a breakup. Penny can't help but to feel sympathy for him. He is smart in so many ways, but he's more than a little clueless when it comes to certain issues. In fact, people issues of nearly any kind seem to leave him bewildered.

The angry set of his brow and his crossed arms are starting to clue her in that they might need to take a more gentle approach. Before she has a chance to apologize, however, she hears Howard Wolowitz interject his own particular brand of wisdom.

"You need to step up your game."

"Game? Like Diablo 3? I tried that years ago. She did not want to play."

Howard rolls his eyes. "No, not that kind of game! I mean flirting, or you know, just generally making it known that you find your woman attractive, and you want to hook up."

Sheldon, to no one's surprise, seems mystified. "Hook up?"

"Birds do it, bees do it, even hopelessly clueless PhD's do it," Raj adds. He gestures to himself with both thumbs, "Even this guy."

That might be the most embarrassing brag about sex that Penny has ever heard. At least Emily wasn't here for it, which has got to be for the best.

"Yes, Raj, you have sex now. We remember," Leonard dead pans. "Seriously, though, Sheldon, they do kind of have a valid point. You told us that Amy was displeased with the pace of your relationship. The two of you have progressed a lot this year, but maybe she's looking for progress in this particular area…"

"Really? You think that this is all about sex?" He still sounds baffled.

"It's time to step out of the realm of theory and into the dirty, dirty, dirty world of practice," Howard leers, and then he gets elbowed in the ribs by his diminutive wife.

"I don't think it's quite as simple as that," Bernadette says, "especially after all these years."

Penny sees Howard roll his eyes and mouth the words 'yes it is that simple'. He better pray that his wife doesn't catch him doing that.

"We'll discuss this later, Sheldon, when it's just us menfolk," the little man tries to sound like he's the voice of expertise. Penny resists the urge to reach over and smack him, but barely.

Instead, she and Bernadette both turn to Howard with narrowed eyes. "No. We'll discuss this with you later, Sheldon, so you have some actual hope," Bernadette insists, her squeaky voice shifting into a scary kind of roar.

—

II.

Leonard is certain that this will be a disaster. He, Raj, and Howard have gathered at The Cheesecake Factory to have dinner with Sheldon. They told their friend to arrive at 6:00, and it's only 5:30 now, so that leaves them half an hour to strategize. This location was chosen for one particular reason. They all know that neither Penny nor Bernadette will have any desire to set foot in this place after having spent so long working here.

Howard and Raj have been trying to assure Leonard that the collective wisdom of the males of the group can help provide guidance to Sheldon in his time of need. He's pretty sure, though, that those two just want a front row seat to the circus that is likely to ensue.

"Do you guys honestly think that we are the most qualified people to advise Sheldon about relationship issues?" Leonard asks.

"Well, who else is there?" Howard replies with a question of his own. "Besides, I think we can all agree that we are each successfully pair-bonded with a woman that is way out of our league."

Leonard can't help but nod to the truth of that, and next to him, he can see Raj doing the same. Speaking of out of their league, an attractive blond waitress stops by to fill their water glasses. As she does so, memories of a young Penny flood his mind, and Leonard tries not to stare.

Once the waitress walks away, Howard picks up the conversation again. "So, we just need to work out the specifics behind our successes and see if we can clue Sheldon in."

Leonard starts to choke on his water at the phrase 'clue Sheldon in'. As if such a thing is even possible…

"Ok," says Raj. He sounds a bit skeptical as well, but seems to be willing to give it a shot. "So, what would you guys say are the secrets behind your successful relationships? Leonard?"

"Well, patience and shameless begging were definitely instrumental." He pauses for a few seconds and then continues, puffing his chest out, "Of course, I'm also a romance ninja."

They stare at him.

"Sure dude. You're only having a little trouble with the marriage part, hmm?" Raj says. With more enthusiasm he adds, "Although, I must admit to being a bit of a romance ninja myself."

"When you're not in a graveyard you mean," snaps Leonard.

"Yes. Anyway, Emily has been quite taken with my approach to things. I've cooked dinners for her. We eat by candlelight and have long conversations. After dinner, we dance." Raj sighs, glancing off in the distance with glazed, moony eyes.

Leonard wants to add 'And then she scares the crap out of you,' but he manages to resist the urge. Instead he says, "I can't picture Sheldon cooking a romantic meal." Feeling his entire face scrunch up at the thought, he soon finds himself rethinking things. "I bet he'd try it for Amy, though."

They all agree with that. Whatever his faults may be, it's clear that Sheldon loves Amy, and that he will do whatever it takes to work things out.

"Ok. Howard?" Raj inquires.

"Well, there's my sparkling sense of humor, of course-"

"Of course," Raj and Leonard speak in sarcastic unison. It doesn't slow Howard down.

"There is also my impeccable sense of fashion. It really displays the goods to full effect. It's very seductive," he waves his hand down, indicating his tight pants that border on being obscene.

"Um… sure." Raj can't seem to look at Howard while he speaks, "I suppose he could try something like that. If nothing else, it would show Amy that he's willing to try anything…"

They are quiet for a bit, sipping drinks, when Howard drops the real truth of the matter. "Realistically, though, the guy just needs to make a move."

"Now that is something that I cannot picture," says Raj.

A troubling thought crosses Leonard's mind. "Has it occurred to any of you that, if everything works out, they could eventually… replicate from this endeavor? I'm not sure the world can handle more of them," he stutters out.

As they all glance at one another with collective discomfort, the front door opens, and Sheldon enters the restaurant. He looks around with a lost expression on his face, looking lonely and forlorn without Amy at his side.

—

III.

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time—some time to think, a little space to do so more freely. The reality is much more difficult than Amy had imagined. She's well aware of how intertwined her life has become with Sheldon's, but she still feels stunned by the emptiness of her days spent without him.

Tomorrow will mark two full weeks of having no contact with her boyfriend. Her fingers are building up calluses from long hours spent playing the harp, and the neighbors are beginning to complain. The grungy mechanic who lives right next door gave her a particularly nasty look in the elevator this morning. She suspects it might be best to find something else to do this evening instead of playing the harp, before he's tempted to break in with some wire cutters to 'fix' her harp for her.

Tonight she is switching from music to writing. She hopes that creating a sequel to her fanfic will help direct her thoughts away from her relationship problems. Truthfully, it's kind of cheating. She's well aware that time spent writing for Cooper is really time spent with the imaginary Sheldon in her head. Of course with Cooper, anything is possible. He won't stubbornly insist on G-rated interactions or make her negotiate for any scrap of physical affection. He sure as hell will not wonder whether his relationship with Amelia should take place on the same planet.

Amy can feel the familiar frustration pound out a rhythm in her veins. She selects a rating for her upcoming story, M.

It's usually a relief, typing out her hopes and fantasies like this, but tonight as the story takes form, she feels more depressed than ever before. By the time she writes about Amelia straddling Cooper's face, she becomes aware of the wet feeling of tears on her cheeks.

She sits back in her chair and wipes the moisture away with her sleeve. Sheldon would hate to see her do that. He'd probably give her some speech about hygiene and the history of the development of facial tissue. The thought only makes her miss him all the more.

With a sigh, she turns back to her screen. Scrolling back up, she starts editing her evening's writing. It would be wonderful if her mind would focus on the simple questions of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Instead, however, she finds her thoughts drifting to Cooper and Amelia's barnyard tryst. Is any of that even remotely accurate? Will she ever be able to experience any of these things herself? And of course, there is the question that seems to forever loop through her mind: What the hell, Sheldon?

For a brief instant, she considers emailing him this draft of her outrageous, smutty story. She smirks at the thought of him reading it, and how it would slowly begin to dawn on him who Amelia and Cooper were representing. Maybe he could finally see some use for that mouth of his other than to talk about physics and pontificate about superheroes.

As tempting as it is, she knows that she will not send it to him. A long, long time ago, she made a promise to herself that she would not force Sheldon's hand with regards to physical intimacy. It is, and always has been, essential to her that Sheldon decide for himself how to move forward with their physical relationship. She allows herself to give him the occasional nudge, but she will never issue an ultimatum. She will not hold their relationship hostage to her desires.

That's why she needs this break now, so that she will not be tempted to push him. It would be perverse in the worst kind of way if he came to be with her because he felt forced or compelled. If he decides that he wants her, she needs to know that it is driven by his own desire and not hers.

She wonders, though, if that will ever happen. Penny and Leonard once told her that they were not sure what Sheldon's 'deal' is, and that they weren't even sure that he has a 'deal.' For her own sanity, she has never let herself believe that. That's why she had been so devastated on their anniversary. When faced with their most intimate encounter so far, she had been stunned to find that his mind was not with her but was contemplating a tv show.

What the hell, Sheldon?

After all her efforts to avoid pushing him, she hopes that he does not misconstrue this time apart as being some kind of breakup. She tried to be clear with him that she loves him and that she just needs some time. While he will no doubt explain the situation to his friends, she hopes that they won't pressure him on her behalf. Unfortunately, she suspects that they will drop anvil-sized hints about the importance of sex. Even Sheldon's thick, stubborn, brilliant cranium will eventually be forced to yield to the truth. She can only hope that when he comes to understand her frustrations, he will find that it is a desire he shares.

—