Warning: This chapter contains a graphic sex scene which I have not edited for this site. It is important to the story, if I was to cut it I would lose half a chapter. Also it does somewhat refer to the missing chapter that I have cut from the story on this site, but I think you guys will get by.

OoOoOo

Tenzou heaved, his stomach and chest aching with the force of it. He sat up straighter, wiping cold sweat from his clammy forehead before forcing himself to stand and stumble towards his discarded pack. He dug out his water from the bottom of it, swirling it around in his mouth and spitting unappealingly as he tried to rid his mouth of the taste of regret.

"Captain?" Yugao asked tentatively from her place a couple of feet away. Tenzou rolled his eyes. He cared deeply for the girl, but today he was not in the mood. "If you are unwell perhaps we should go back to HQ."

"No." Tenzou answered quickly, shoving his water back in to his pack and slinging it over his shoulder. "We carry on."

"But Captain…" She protested.

"I asked you to stay with the others." Tenzou snapped, forgetting himself in the mist of his hangover "Do not question me." Yugao nodded, looking down at her feet as she trailed behind him back to where the rest of the team was waiting.

They re-joined with the others and continued on their way. Tenzou blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision as he was forced to move to a pace his sluggish body was not comfortable with.

Drinking the night before a mission was not his smartest idea. He had enjoyed himself at the time, but he was being punished for it now. He had not had a real hang over like the one he was currently experiencing in years. The kind of drumming haze that made him rethink his entire life up until that point.

But honestly the worst part of it all was that he wasn't even sure if his plan had worked. He had left for his mission after waking up on the couch in Asuma's apartment with Genma's legs draped over his. He hadn't a chance to return home and assess the situation. He needed this mission to go quickly so he could get back and find out exactly what had happened to Kakashi the night before.

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Kakashi breathed heavily, his forearm resting over his eyes to block out the afternoon sun as he tried to force himself back to sleep. He had awoken with a start 2 minutes earlier, the urge to get up and wash his hands was niggling at him in the same way his bladder did when he needed to use the bathroom. The psychological need was as real to him as a physical one. Something that many people misunderstood.

Reluctantly his moved from his bed and made his way in to the bathroom, turning on the basin and scrubbing hard at his right hand. The hot water seared his skin. He ignored it even as the water circling the drain began to run red.

He pulled it out from under the stream staring at it with bloodshot eyes as he examined his own blood and mistook it for hers. It would never really be clean. That was something he had long ago come to terms with.

His skin had been brushed away all down the inside of his palm, it was angry and sore while the back of his hand was also red and scared from the constant scrubbing it was not bleeding like his palm.

As he returned to the bedroom he took in the sight of the sun setting just above Minato's stone face and sighed. He had no idea how long Tenzou would be gone for. Probably another day at the very least. But that was okay. As much as he needed him, he needed the time more. Time to process the decision he had made. Time to think about how he would go about hiding his own feelings in place of letting them show.

He had spent his life running from his demons. Hiding from the fact that he needed help and holding everything he felt inside. But the last few months of his life had changed him. He had finally realised how good it felt to let things out. To have someone hold him and tell him all the things he needed to hear, whether they were true or not.

It had been a good few months. For him.

He slipped back under the covers, taking the spare pillow from next to his own and bringing it to his front. He nuzzled his nose in to it affectionately and exhaled shakily. He didn't want to go back to being that person. He liked the fact that someone had allowed him to open up to them. He had believed for the first time in his life that someone did truly care about what was upsetting him.

But he had been selfish.

A pathetic piece of shit. A pitiful loser.

He repeated to himself. Iruka's words echoing around him as he tried to remember why exactly Tenzou had wanted him in the first place.

Pity

Was the one word that seemed to come to mind when he thought about it. He had invited him to stay here out of pity. To share his bed out of pity and to be his lover, out of pity.

The lump in his throat became more evident as his chest began to tighten. This was good. He decided. He needed to get it out, be done with this by the time Tenzou returned home. He needed to be exactly what his lover needed. Whatever he wanted.

His tears stained the pillow under him as he reached in to his pocket and took hold of the small object there. He clutched it to his chest, feeling defeat overwhelm him as he resigned himself to going back to whatever he was before.

Anything was better than the monster he had become lately. He brought the stuffed dog to his face and rested it against a wet cheek. He needed to grow up.

OoOoOoO

Three days.

Tenzou grumbled to himself as he stomped through the village gates.

Three fucking days.

That's how long he had been gone. The mission hadn't even been intended to be an over-nighter. He did not pack thoroughly enough for the duration of his trip. Although he probably would have if his mind hadn't been so pre-occupied the night before with his personal life.

He briefed the Hokage on what had happened, momentarily explaining why they had been gone for so long before being dismissed and given 2 days off to tend to his personal affairs. He had been taken aback by that order, worried that something grim may have happened in his absence. But she quickly reassured him everything was fine. Kakashi was alive, although he had not reported to train with his team at all this week. When he failed to show up on the second day she had sent Asuma to check on him.

She finished her small explanation by ordering him to go home and shower. The hangover never did leave him. Starting out already parched and then being stuck out in the open with minimal water kept him thoroughly dehydrated for the entire duration of the mission. He had thrown up more than once in the last couple of days.

Tenzou used the last of his strength and teleported back to his apartment. He appeared outside the front door, affording himself time to assess the situation before being thrown in to it.

He rubbed his dirt covered face, knowing deep down that this wasn't going to be fun for anyone. He had promised Kakashi one night alone and that had turned in to four in the blink of an eye. He was surely an emotional wreck by this point, even if his plan had succeeded. He had fucked it up by being selfish and taking action the night before a mission.

He opened the door intentionally loudly, slamming it behind him and making as much noise as possible as he slipped off his boots. He didn't want to startle the other Jonin.

Kakashi entered the living room slowly, looking tentative as he raised one hand in a small wave. He looked like shit. His t-shirt hung loosely on him thinner than ever frame and his cheeks seemed sharper than ever as they hollowed out and defined his cheek bones. The dark circles around his eyes tainted pale skin and made him look like he had tried to rub away eyeliner without water.

"Hey." Tenzou said softly after taking a second to look him up and down.

"Hey." Kakashi answered, looking at his feet as he hovered uncertainly. He had vowed to do everything in his power to make Tenzou happy. But seeing him now, after days of being alone was almost too much for him to take, his clenched his teeth hard to stop tears from falling down his cheeks. That was not what Tenzou wanted. It wouldn't make him happy.

Yamato moved forward slowly, stopping in front of his lover and pulling him against his chest in a tight hug. Kakashi kept his teeth clenched, shutting his eyes tight as he rested his forehead on his lovers shoulder. His arms wrapping around the other man and clutching at him almost painfully.

"I missed you." He admitted when he finally felt he could speak without his voice wavering.

"I missed you too." Tenzou whispered, bringing a hand upwards to run through dirty silver hair. It was obvious to him that Kakashi hadn't showered at all since he returned home from his night out. He pulled back, holding the other man at arm's length and smiling sadly. "I really need a shower." He said, pausing and looking the other man up and down apologetically. "And so do you." He chuckled. Kakashi nodded, feeling his cheeks turning pink as he looked away. "Come on." Tenzou smiled, taking his hand and leading him through to the bathroom.

He turned on the hot water in the shower and they undressed in silence as steam started to fill the room. He was looking forward to feeling clean again. He was not oblivious to the fact that he was caked in dirt and blood.

Kakashi adjusted the temperature to something bearable as Tenzou removed the last of his clothing. He slipped inside, standing directly under the spray and enjoying it for a second before moving out of the way so the other man could join him.

Tenzou thanked him, taking his place under the water and sighing contently as he felt the mission grime start to wash away.

Kakashi winced as the water came in to contact with his right hand. He pulled it out of the spray, examining it for a second while Tenzou had his eyes closed. He removed in from the water, reaching for the soap with his left hand and lathering himself as best he could, one handed before moving on to his partner.

He gently spun the other man around, letting him hog the water as he ran the bar up and down his back, pressing more firmly in certain places and softer in others as he massaged while he cleaned. Tenzou leaned forwards, resting his forehead against the cold shower tiles and finding it helped to relieve his throbbing headache. He moaned as the tension he had been feeling for days started to melt away under his lover's hand.

Kakashi gasped when Tenzou moaned, feeling his member start to respond. It had been a while since they had done anything sexual. A thought that scared him most of all. They had only been together for a couple of months and with Kakashi's depression squashing his sex drive things had slowed considerably in the bedroom. He made him worry that Tenzou would get bored of him.

Kakashi swallowed, knowing what he had to do. He was going to be Tenzou's rock. That's what he had decided. He knew what it was like to come home from a mission that had run long. He knew what his partner needed in that moment but although his body had responded naturally to the delicious sound of his lover's approval he couldn't honestly say he felt up to giving him what he needed. If he was being honest he was having a hard time just standing in the shower. He hadn't forced himself to eat in days and his legs felt like jelly.

Tenzou turned around suddenly, locking his eyes with mismatched beauties and diving forwards. His hand fisted in Kakashi's hair as he pushed him up against the shower wall with the weight of his body. His erection rubbed heavily in to the other's pelvis. He felt the other man's body respond to the kiss and smiled as he ground against him. It had been too long.

Kakashi gave in when he felt himself grow hard, moaning as the other man's hips rocked towards him and his erection was forced roughly against his own abdomen. He dropped the soap in his left hand and wrapped it around the back of Tenzou's head, breaking the kiss and using his grip to tilt the brunette's neck. He nibbled a trail from his ear down to his shoulder and then pulled back staring at the other man, wondering why he had stopped responding.

Tenzou pulled away from him and before he knew what was happening he was holding his right hand up to examine it for himself. Kakashi pulled it away quickly, hiding it behind his back as Tenzou's face fell.

Kakashi felt panic start to zero in on him. He was trying so hard to make this about Tenzou. To be everything he needed right now after a gruelling mission. Everything he wanted.

But he had fucked it up again. Without even trying he had made it about himself and Tenzou had given him that look. The sad, disappointed look that ripped his heart to pieces and made him feel as though someone was scrubbing his eyes with sandpaper.

"I…" He started, not sure what to say. Tenzou bent to pick up the soap, lathering himself up as Kakashi struggled with his words. They stood in silence as the brunette rinsed himself off. "Don't worry about it." Kakashi said finally as his lover exited the shower. That really was the only thing he could say.

"How am I supposed to just not worry about it?" Tenzou asked, turning to face him. "I care about you."

Kakashi turned off the shower and followed the other man out, grabbing a towel as he went. He rubbed it through his hair, dripping water on to the bedroom floor while he watched Tenzou look for some clothes. Kakashi's mind reeled as he tried to think of how to make it better. How to take the focus off himself and put it back on his lover.

He stepped forwards, pushing Tenzou heavily and catching him off guard.

"What the..?" Tenzou asked as he landed on the bed behind him. His question was cut off as Kakashi crawled on top of him and kissed him deeply. His hands roaming down his chest to play with his lover's nipples.

Tenzou groaned in to the kiss, throwing his head back and scrunching his eyes closed as Kakashi moved down his neck, sucking and biting.

"Don't mark me too hard." Tenzou mumbled, his hands running through Kakashi's hair as the other man looked up briefly. He felt a small ache in his chest at the request, but pushed it back. He was here to make Tenzou happy.

He continued down his body, stopping to take a nipple in his mouth and suck on it lightly. Yamato bucked his hips in response, his throbbing erection brushing against Kakashi's and making him groan. He moved down, slipping off the end of the bed in between the other man's legs. Tenzou's upper body was supported by the bed but his legs hung freely off the side. Kakashi licked a trail from balls to tip making his partner shake before taking the purpling head in his mouth and moaning loudly, sending vibrations throughout the body in front of him. His own arousal started to leak on to the floor underneath him.

"Fuck!" Tenzou swore, reaching down and pulling Kakashi by his biceps until he was on top of him once more. He flipped his thin frame easily, pulling them both further on to the bed and then encouraging Kakashi to shuffle towards the headboard. He did so, unsure of what was going to happen next. Before he could make it the entire way Tenzou grabbed his legs, pulling them apart and diving towards his leaking cock. His tongue brushed lightly against the tip making Kakashi cry out, his legs trembling.

He gasped, looking down at Tenzou uncertainly as he felt the other man's breathe on his most private area. The ANBU looked up at him, waiting patiently for conformation before continuing. Kakashi nodded slowly, nerves making his erection wilt as a slick tongue darted out to brush against his puckered hole.

He whimpered softly, surprised by the action. It felt better than he had expected.

"Tenzou." He mumbled, his erection once again straining against his stomach as the tongue began to swirl and lick. He moaned, his hips bucking as the slippery muscle pressed on his entrance firmly. He opened his eyes, locking them with Tenzou's as he was entered slowly. It felt amazing but he couldn't bring himself to relax. He closed his eyes, making small sounds when it seemed appropriate.

Tenzou seemed to sense his discomfort and pulled back, sitting up and kneeling in between his partner's legs. He took Kakashi's cock in his hand and palmed it firmly, making the other man shudder. He leaned forward, his breath hot in his ear as he whispered.

"Let's try something different tonight."

Kakashi nodded, trying hard to still his trembling body as he answered.

"Whatever you want." He choked, as the other man moved away from him. He opened his eyes as Tenzou turned to the bedside table. He tensed as he saw the lube and knew for sure he would not be the one using it tonight.

He forced himself to relax as Tenzou advanced on him. He knew this could be amazing. They had already done it once before. He remembered the intensity of the orgasm he had experienced that night. The feeling of being filled making him finally feel whole. He relaxed slightly, anticipation trumping anxiety as a slicked finger rubbed his entrance softly.

"You sure you're okay with this?" Tenzou asked, eyeing him worriedly. He was not oblivious to the way Kakashi had shut down when it was mentioned in the past. Although if he was being honest he still wasn't sure why. They had done this before, it was strange for him to suddenly be against it after the fact. But he supposed that was just one of the many mysteries surrounding the Jonin. He had killed plenty of people in his life time too. But that didn't stop the nightmares sprouting up randomly after certain missions.

"Whatever you want." Kakashi repeated, deciding then and there to make that sentence his mantra. Something he would repeat in his mind continuously to remind himself why he was doing certain things. His answer to any question Tenzou asked him from now on. He was going to live by it and give the man in front of him anything and everything he wanted.

Tenzou nodded in response, a smile gracing his lips as he pressed the finger forwards. Kakashi's body tightened around him and he moved his other hand to slowly pump the erection in front of him. He felt muscles relax as his body responded positively. He fully sheathed his finger, waiting a second before pulling it back and slowly thrusting it forward again, making his lover gasp.

"That's it." He whispered, crooking the digit slightly and searching for the sensitive nub inside him. He found it, pressing against it purposefully and watching as Kakashi's back arched. All traces of hesitation disappearing as his trembling legs gripped on the mattress around him and dragged himself further on to Tenzou's expectant hand.

Yamato grinned, letting go of Kakashi's cock and using his free hand to pet lightly along his thigh. The Jonin's heavy breathing calmed and the trembling slowly stopped as Tenzou worked to slip a second finger alongside the first. Kakashi mewled, feeling stretched and shutting his eyes tight at the intrusion. Tenzou continued to pet him lightly, smiling as once again the man relaxed. He pressed against his prostate once more, sending sparks flying behind Kakashi's eye lids.

"Fuck." Kakashi whispered breathlessly, his head lolling to the side, his jaw slack as a third finger was added.

Tenzou stopped petting, moving his free hand to his own dripping erection. He stroked it delicately, not wanting to get himself too worked up. He closed his eyes, moaning languidly as he played with himself. He was too excited to wait any longer. It had been months since he had had the pleasure of entering another man. He needed Kakashi now.

Slowly he dislodged his fingers, making Kakashi moan as he felt them slip away. He opened his eyes, nerves filling him once more as he eyed the pulsing member Tenzou held in his hand. He watched as his lover lubed himself up and moved on top of him.

"Ready?" He asked as his lips latched on to the silver haired man's neck. Kakashi nodded, not sure if he really was or not as he felt heat press at his entrance. "Shhh." Tenzou whispered, nibbling lightly at the other man's ear as he thrust forward gently, his cock pushing through the first ring of muscle and making Kakashi release a strangled cry.

Yamato moved his lips over his lover's mouth, tilting his head back and kissing him deeply to keep him relaxed and aroused. Kakashi calmed, his body getting used to the large intrusion. He kissed back feverishly, anything to keep his mind away from pain.

"This won't last long." Tenzou chuckled as he pulled away from him. His cheeks heated slightly at his own words. He felt embarrassed by the fact that he was so close already. But he was comforted by the sight of Kakashi's lust filled eyes staring up at him adoringly. "I love you." He whispered, taking his partner by surprise.

Kakashi's eyes widened, he felt tears prick at his eyes as he registered what was said. He had been focusing on keeping his emotions in check and was not ready for the sentiment.

"I love you too." He mumbled, closing his in an effort to cut off the tears and turning his head away. He keened as best he could on to Tenzou's hard shaft in an effort to take the focus from him. Tenzou groaned loudly, taking the invitation to move and beginning a slow pace that was hard for him to keep. He moaned freely, rocking his hips in to the tight heat and whispering Kakashi's name as the man began to respond.

"Fuck." Kakashi whispered, throwing his head backwards and gritting his teeth as Yamato changed the angle and his head rubbed against his nub. "Tenzou." Kakashi whined, the pleasure building and making him quake. He had forgotten how amazing prostate stimulation felt.

His toes curled as he began to lose himself. He pushed down on his lover's member with every thrust. Swearing under his breath as the steady pace pushed him closer to the edge of bliss. His lips trembled, his eyes shut tight as Tenzou took advantage of his strength, holding himself up with one arm and encouraging Kakashi to wrap his legs around his waist. The silver haired man obliged and Tenzou growled dominantly, moving his free arm under Kakashi's back and lifting him.

Kakashi cried out, his own body weight pulling Tenzou further inside him as he was pulled in to a sitting position on Tenzou's lap. The other man was on his knees with his feet tucked under his own ass. Kakashi clung to him, his forehead resting on a sweaty shoulder as Tenzou bucked his hips upwards. There wasn't much room for movement in the position they were currently in but the brunette smiled to himself anyway. He had a plan.

He snaked a lubed hand in between them, grabbing hold of Kakashi's leaking cock and pumping it firmly. He groaned as blunt nails dug in to his back and his lover whimpered in his ear. He was so close, he needed to pull Kakashi over the edge.

"Tenzou." Kakashi whispered. "Tenzou, I…" He trailed off, gasping for air as Tenzou thrust hard in to his prostate and swirled his thumb over the head of his penis, squeezing firmly. "Fuck!" Kakashi screamed, his entire body shaking violently as he was ripped over the edge he had been teetering on. The darkness behind his eyelids shone white as he came. He repeated Tenzou's name, rutting in to the other man's hand as he shot strings of hot cum against his stomach. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he drew blood with his nail in the other man's back.

Tenzou groaned loud and long as he felt Kakashi's body start to convulse around him. He thrust as best he could, being pushed over the edge by the feel of his lover's cum spurting against his chest and his nails digging in to his back.

"Fuck. Kakashi." He moaned, his orgasm getting the best of him as he released deep inside his lover. "Fuck I love you." He groaned, resting his head on Kakashi's shoulder and fisting his hand in silver hair. Kakashi remained silent, aftershocks still rolling through him as he struggled to breathe.

Tenzou lifted his head, using the hand in Kakashi's hair to pull his head back as well. He smiled sadly when he saw the tears, leaning forwards and kissing them away gently before carefully helping the other man off his lap. He laid him down on the bed, running his hand across his warm forehead and brushing sweaty hair out of his eyes.

Kakashi's heart swelled at the simple gestures, reminding him of exactly why he needed to keep Tenzou happy. This man took care of him like no one else could. Now that he had experienced it, he couldn't live without it. The last month or so had been hard for both of them with Kakashi slowly breaking down and the small gestures Tenzou used to comfort him slowly disappearing with along with his sanity. He could clearly see the difference now, between the Tenzou he was when he made him happy and the man he felt obliged to be when he was sad.

Kakashi smiled weakly, wiping the tears from his own eyes as Tenzou disappeared to the bathroom to get a wash cloth. He had succeeded tonight in making him happy. Giving him what he wanted. He was on the right track to bringing things back to normal.

But how long can you keep it up?

He asked himself internally as kind dark eyes washed over him, drinking him in as a warm washcloth made his body start to tremble again. He ignored his own question, his hand reaching out to pull the other man closer and kissing him passionately. He wasn't sure he had an answer.