This story is edited down to fit the M rating. If you are interested in reading the explicit version it is available on my AO3 page.

/users/KellynKupcake/works

OoOoOoOoOo

I love you

The words sounded foreign even to himself as they slipped from his mouth. The meaning behind them was as lost as his sanity.

Hearing them gave him comfort. Saying them twisted his gut like tornado.

Shadows danced across the wall in front of him, bouncing off one another and disappearing as fast as they had appeared. He found himself mesmerised by them. His eyes started to slip out of focus and the silhouettes were erased from the plaster and replaced by the simple white of the paint.

A warm arm from the man behind him stroked his side periodically. A comfort he didn't deserve, but craved more than anything else.

I love you

'I' used to refer to oneself as speaker or writer. 'Love', to have a passionate desire, longing and/or feelings for. 'You' used to refer to the person or people that the speaker is addressing.

Know the definitions of those 3 words did not help to quell the anxiety swirling in his heart. He had hoped breaking them down would make them seem less scary. That knowing exactly what he was saying would make it seem more serious. But it hadn't. He was sure he had meant them at the time. He had made a decision. He was grounded, he was sure. But something was wrong. He didn't feel the way he had expected to after. The security of knowing he was loved was being overruled by the fear of change.

He slipped from the warm embrace, utilizing all the skills he had acquired in his long stint as an elite ninja to not wake the man next to him.

He was too uneasy to sleep. Too anxious that something was wrong. He dressed quietly and slipped from the bedroom window on to a nearby roof. He shivered slightly as his bare feet touched cold steel. He made his way towards a familiar apartment, in a familiar part of town.

He had to check. To make sure.

Maybe his unease didn't have anything to do with the life changing words he had uttered a few hours ago.

He stopped short of the building a block away. He hadn't realised he had been sprinting. Jumping from roof to roof was a fast paced business. Slowly he continued towards it, his pace steady, his breathing uneasy. The last thing he wanted was to wake the person he intended to spy on. There would be questions.

So many questions…

As he perched himself on a stranger's balcony railing he forced himself to relax. Standing slowly, he held on to the support pole and stretched himself out so he could just see in through the bedroom window across the road. He had done this more times than he could count, although he would never admit it.

He waited patiently, his breath hitching for a second before returning to normal when he realised he could indeed see the steady rise and fall of the green covered body in the bed.

Guy was safe.

He breathed a shaky sigh of relief as he climbed back up on to the roof and started his journey to the next building.

This ritual of his. He called it 'doing rounds'. He hadn't felt the need to do them in a long time. Well, that wasn't true. He had felt the need while he was in the hospital, both visits. But he didn't have the energy and he was being watched closely. If he had of left Tsunade definitely would have sent the ANBU after him. Then there would have definitely been a lot of awkward questions when they found him outside whoever's apartment he was up to at the time. Especially if they had found him peeping in on one of his Genin.

It had started after Rin's death. After weeks on end of sleepless nights he had finally let his anxiety get the better of him. Minato had caught him of course.

He may have been a Jonin, but the unease in his heart made his chakra flicker and light up like a flare. He was found hovering outside his Sensei's window. But instead of being scolded, he had been invited in and offered a warm beverage by Kushina.

He never really liked that woman, until that night. She made him feel welcome, like he was a part of the family instead of the lonely orphan he was. He was encouraged to seek them out when he was feeling upset, instead of lingering outside his friend's windows. So he did, whenever his insomnia went on for too long, or his nightmares scared him so bad he was terrified to go back to sleep on his own. He would slip in through the living room window that they left unlocked for him and tiptoe to the spare room, where he would promptly fall asleep without worry, feeling safe merely being in the same building as Minato.

On the mornings after those nights he was always embarrassed to wake up staring at the wooden crib that would soon hold the couple's child.

Their actual child. Not some affection starved Jonin that had a home of his own.

He had tried to sneak out without them knowing he was around, but it was always too late. Thinking back on it now Minato must have rigged the room somehow to detect his motion.

Or maybe… to protect his child. Yes. It wasn't about me. It was never about me.

Because every single time just as he was about to leave out the window they caught him, sprouting loud 'good mornings' and dragging him to the kitchen to have breakfast with them. There was never any judgement on their part and he loved them for it.

But then they died.

They both died. They left me alone again. They left me alone like he is alone now.

He thought as he balanced himself outside Naruto's window. He wasn't sure at which point he had added his Genin to his list of people to check on. He just knew that it was something that he did now. He never worried much about Sakura, because she lived with her parents. But Naruto and Sasuke, he literally couldn't stop worrying about. Especially Sasuke.

They knew all too well the pain of being alone. They were just like him. He had offered Naruto the same curtesy that Minato and Kushina offered to him. But he was promptly rejected by the little loud mouth screaming about how that was gross and he wasn't gay. Kakashi had assured him that he had meant it as a friendly offer and wasn't gay either.

He snickered as he thought about all the times that the little idiot had unknowingly walked in to Kakashi's apartment after that to sleep at 'Iruka Sensei's house'. If only he knew exactly how gay they both were.

Naruto's fine.

He thought to himself with an internal sigh of relief as he moved on towards Sasuke's.

He had offered the same to Sasuke as well, but with not as many words. He had simply said that he knew what solitude was and that if he ever felt that it had gotten too much, he knew where to find him.

Sasuke had only come to him once thus far, but he was startled when Iruka had answered the door and like a baby deer, had scooted off before Kakashi could catch him.

We're so alike that it's just sad… God I hope he doesn't end up like me.

He knew his friends often referred to him as a deer behind his back. He was awkward and skittish in social situations. He would have preferred dog, but he'd take what he could get.

After assuring himself that his favourite student was safe and sound he moved on to Asuma's.

He really hoped Kureni was in her own bed this time, instead of the other Jonin's. He had seen way too much last time. Although it did cut a considerable amount of time out of his rounds, because Kureni lived the furthest from his apartment than anyone else, so usually she came last. But that night he didn't have to check on her separately, which was nice, even if it did mean he got to check on wayyyy more of her than he would have liked.

She was with him again tonight, but they were sleeping this time. Peaceful. The way a couple should be at night. If they weren't…. well…

His mind wandered back to Tenzou and he suddenly questioned why he was roaming the rooftops on this chilly morning instead of snuggled against him.

He answered himself as his eyes refocused and he realised he had been returning home to a place that was not actually his home anymore. He tried to stop himself from running and fumbled. He fell from the roof he was about to jump from, landing hard on the ground, luckily it was only one story. He shook his head, scanning the area quickly and inspecting himself for wounds. He hoped no one had seen that. He was a dog person through and through but usually he had the grace of a cat. He stood, satisfied there was no one around to witness his incoordination.

That was the second time he had fallen since the incident. Granted, the first time had been straight after he had found them. But that justification didn't make him feel any better about it. Iruka had made him weak and he was reminded of that fact daily.

He loitered for a second, trying to decide where to go next. He had finished his rounds, satisfied that everyone he loved who wasn't on a mission was alive and well. He had stopped checking on Genma and Raidou when he had caught them in a similar situation to Asuma and Kureni. The difference being that they weren't the only ones caught. Genma had spotted him watching wide eyed from across the street and thrown him a sleazy smile along with a crude come hither motion. Raidou enjoyed that a little too much because it was accompanied by a deep thrust.

He shook his head at the memory. That was before Iruka. He had actually considered joining them for a second before what was left of his dignity returned to the front of his mind and he teleported back to his empty apartment to shamefully use the memory for his own sinful purpose.

That was back before I needed anyone…

He thought, looking down and watching his bare feet disturb the soil under him. He sighed allowed again, rubbing his forehead. He wasn't sure what to do now. There was usually one more person to check on.

But Tenzou didn't need his attention tonight. He knew where he was and for the second time in one night he wondered why he wasn't still there with him.

There is… one more person that I suppose I kind of care about…

He thought as he scrambled back up on to the rooftops and headed towards his old apartment. His stomach twisted more violently as he neared it.

The bedroom was empty, but the living room was not. He watched silently as Iruka and his new girlfriend made out on his couch. Feelings of déjà vu started to surface and he realised he needed to leave.

He turned, feeling worse than he had when he left Tenzou's bed. The guilt coupled with his anxiety had increased in tenfold. He shouldn't be spying on anyone, least of all his ex-boyfriend. But he couldn't help it. He hated Iruka. Absolutely loathed him.

But I still…

"No!" He shouted allowed, pushing the thought away. "You don't care about him! You hate him!"

He increased his pace, now running as fast as his feet would take him.

Tenzou…

He thought, as he leapt from building to building .

Tenzou loves me… I love him… Iruka is nothing to me… I only care becau… No! I don't care!

He wrestled with himself internally.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT IRUKA!

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Tenzou's eyes snapped open as the familiar chakra approached him. He looked up to watch Kakashi freeze half in or was it half out of the window. He cocked his head in question and Kakashi smiled sheepishly.

"I was just… checking something." He said softly as he climbed inside and closed the window behind him.

"Okay… well… Can I check something?" Tenzou asked seriously. Kakashi's recently extinguished unease returned full force at the firm look on his lover's face.

"What?" He asked, sitting down on the bed next to him.

"Do you know what a door is?" Tenzou asked with a laugh, reaching out to pull him back under the covers so they were lying on their sides, facing each other.

"Oh…" Kakashi smiled, snuggling up against the other man. "Yes. But I prefer the window, it gets me where I want to go faster."

"Mmmm?" The brunette growled questioningly, running his hands through the other's hair. "Well, I suppose it's okay." He said in mock defeat. Kakashi chuckled, despite his discomfort not fully disappearing.

He had been so quiet. But now he knew he was going to have to answer the usual questions eventually. Where did you go? Why? Did you used to spy on me before we got together? Did you see anything of interest? He didn't fancy answering any of them.

When he had first gotten with Iruka he had been grilled to a crisp about his night-time absences because thanks to his reputation as a perve Iruka didn't place much trust in him and thought he was being unfaithful.

Ironic…

He thought as he let his mind wander.

Will Tenzou care? Will he be mad?

He asked himself, hoping to hell the answers to both questions was no.

Should I just tell him… here, now? Bite the bullet and get it over with before he asks me? He's going to be mad like Iruka was…

He opened his mouth, deciding he should tell the other but was immediately shushed by a smooth voice.

"I don't want to know." He said softly, reaching a hand out to pet Kakashi's cheek lightly with his knuckles. "I'm not going to ask you, so don't worry about that. But if you ever feel like telling me, because you want me to know, not because you feel like you have to, then I'll be here to listen."

Kakashi closed his mouth, his cheeks flushed as he felt a strong sense of security wash over him. He hadn't felt this way since Minato. He felt safe in Tenzou's arms. He knew from the bottom of his heart that Tenzou was speaking the truth and not judging him. He pressed his face close to the other man's chest.

"I love you." He whispered, knowing that it was the truth.

The words suddenly seemed way less frightening than before.

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Tenzou didn't have to wonder where Kakashi went. He knew about the rounds. He didn't much care for Guy and his big personality but they had on more than one occasion discussed Kakashi's late night visits. It was touching how much the bushy browed man cared for his friend.

He wondered to himself if Kakashi knew how much his chakra spiked when he sat outside their windows. He was lit up like an emotional Christmas tree. But no one really minded because they knew it meant he cared about them, even if he never actually said it. To be included in Kakashi Hatake's rounds was an honour not bestowed on many.

He had meant what he said about not pushing Kakashi in to telling him. But he did have one question which is was dying to ask, because he was sure he already knew the answer to.

Did he check on Iruka?

There was nothing much he could do about it even if he did. But it did hurt him in a small way. Kakashi had promised him everything and even thought he had known it was a hollow gesture at the time he couldn't help but get excited. Then literally hours later he was lying in a cold bed alone waiting for Kakashi to come back from spying on his ex.

It wasn't…. Really a hollow gesture…

He thought to himself as he turned to watch his lover snoozing.

He meant it… I know he did. But… It will take him a while to get over his first love. I guess I should understand… I've never gotten over mine…

He smiled to himself as he reached out to stroke the smooth uncovered face of the man himself. He smiled weakly, his resentful thoughts fading as he reminded himself that Iruka may not have been Kakashi's first love, but he was his first relationship.

His mind started to wander in to the past. His first relationship was much the same as Kakashi's, except in that scenario, he was the asshole.

He cringed inwardly. He hated remembering the look on his partners face when he had told him there was someone else. He wasn't cheating. He would never cheat. But there had definitely been someone else. After 6 months of pretending he felt the same way for the other man he had to break it off. He had been so excited about the prospect of actually having a partner that he never stopped to think what would happen if it didn't change him the way he hoped.

What happened if having a boyfriend didn't make him fall out of love with Kakashi like he hoped? What happened if 6 months down the track he had to break the other man's heart because he realised that it wasn't right to keep him around just to fuel his fantasies about fucking another man.

He didn't stop to think. He was only 17 and incredibly lonely. Now he was 24, 7 years had passed and he still felt guilty even though that man had moved on, married someone else and started a family. He still felt guilty for hurting him and until tonight, he was still so lonely.

Before Iruka hurt Kakashi he had resigned himself to being alone forever. He didn't deserve someone loving him if he couldn't whole heartedly promise them he would give them everything. He wasn't about to make the same mistake he had made all those years ago. Unless he could get over the stupid Copy Ninja, he didn't deserve anything.

That night he saw Iruka leaving the hospital, his heart had leapt and he hated it. But he couldn't help it. His friend, the man he had lusted over for all those years was in incredibly pain, but that meant there was a chance for him. He couldn't stop smiling. He despised himself.

When Kakashi had finally left Iruka, properly. The night he came home with the box in his hands. He was broken. He needed a friend, someone who would comfort him without a veiled motive. Someone that would be completely unbiased to the situation and tell him the truth about whether what he had done was right or not.

Looking back now, Tenzou had never been more grateful that Iruka just happened to be an asshole. So that all the things he said about how Kakashi did the right thing were true and not just lies he had to tell to get his way.

He should have stayed with Guy… He would have done what was right for him no matter what the situation. If Kakashi was in the wrong Guy wouldn't be afraid to see it like I am. I can't tell Senpai he's wrong. I've never been able to. It's just so lucky for me… that he was right.

He rolled on to his back, staring at the ceiling and actually finding himself wishing he was alone to be able to process everything properly. He could sneak away like he did the other night. Go and sit on in the window seat and cry about all the horrible things he had done like he had done so often since Kakashi moved in.

No… Not tonight. Tonight is meant to be special… He told me he loved me. Even if he… if he doesn't mean it just yet… He will mean it… It will probably be a while before he can give me everything… But I understand that… Frankly I deserve it… I feel lucky that Iruka hurt him and that's the worst thought I've ever had. I felt blessed that he was hurting… because it meant that there was a chance for me. I'm the worst person in the world. I don't even deserve his love at all… So… Even if he doesn't quite mean it yet. It's okay. I'll stay with him regardless. I've been waiting for him for far too long.

Kakashi was a very independent, solitary man and Tenzou had always looked up to him, emulating him in any way possible and hoping beyond hope that he could one day be as amazing at the great Sharingan Kakashi.

Frankly he was surprised to find that Kakashi had taken a lover at all, let alone another man. He had spent many nights alone with him when they were in the ANBU together and he had never even been given a small hint that the man was gay. Mission sex was a regular occurrence in the ANBU. The high stress situations often lead to the Shinobi fucking in their tents on the way home. It helped to relieve tension and was generally the most enjoyable thing about being in black ops.

He had never heard of Kakashi having mission sex. He had never been propositioned by him and he knew better than to offer.

He had on many, many occasions, indulged himself. He supposed he would have to disclose that information to Kakashi now, no matter how embarrassing it was for him. A willing, single, gay man in the the back ops was something of a gold mine. He was treated incredibly well by all his sexual partners but that didn't stop the shame from filling him when he thought about how high his number way. He was an ANBU whore. Just one more tick on the growing list of reasons he hated his own guts.

He had never asked, but he was sure Kakashi's number was much, much lower than his. Judging by the fact that Iruka was his first relationship and also the fact that he is incredibly insecure. He could probably count his partners on one hand.

There was never even a small whisper of Kakashi's name amongst the ANBU men. It was strange that someone as lonely as himself had never succumbed to the temptation.

Maybe… he did it with the woman… I never even came close to being with an ANBU woman so I wouldn't have heard the whispers… Perhaps he's not gay…

He suddenly realised.

I mean he definitely likes men. But maybe he's bisexual. That would be kind of weird. I've never even seen a naked woman in real life. Will he want to talk about it? I don't know how to talk about that…

He blinked a few times and made himself a mental note to find out, not that it really mattered, as long as they were together. But he needed to know. It irked him somewhat that he had indulged so many times over the years and the Copy Ninja had not. It not only made him feel weak for needing the human contact but served to make himself feel inadequate for never being able to successfully make it with a woman. It wasn't for lack of trying. Before he fully accepted the fact that they didn't interest him in the slightest, he had tried his hardest to get one.

Ugh… Anyway… That's not the point

He thought to himself, mentally shaking his thoughts to try and return to his previous train. He felt like he knew Kakashi inside and out, but when he really stopped to think about it. His knowledge of the man was mainly unanswered questions.

He knew that his Mother had died when he was very young, of some sort of disease. She gave him a stuffed dog which he still cherished to this day. His father had killed himself soon after, on the day he became a Chunin. His friend Obito, died on his first mission as a Jonin and bestowed the Sharingan on him as a late graduation present. Rin, was killed by his hand at her request. But Kakashi still saw it as a tragic accident. He has nightmares about that night and presumably about his Father, although he had never confirmed that. He was devastated when Minato was killed and up until recently, he loved Iruka.

Eight…. Eight things I know about him…

He realised as he counted them out on his fingers.

Five of those things are common knowledge…

He turned to look at Kakashi again. He was so peaceful when he slept, if he wasn't writhing around in the midst of some horrible nightmare.

I suppose, I really should make an effort to get him talking and get to know him better. We talk all the time but… If I really think about it, nothing much is ever said. It's all just normal conversation passed between 2 good friends. They're not the sort of conversations lovers have.

He scolded himself, realising that they only officially became lovers a couple of hours ago. It wasn't even morning yet.

Maybe tomorrow he will open up more.