This is a collection of smutty ficlets dedicated and inspired by Mama Uvaack (nayas-sports-bra on tumblr) and I was just gonna post it on tumblr, but I know how she dislikes reading things on tumblr so it's official and on my FF page now haha. (no, I'm not abandoning my other fics, but this peaches'n'cream thing just sort of happened so I'm going with it and posting it! I've literally had 2 days off from all my crazy life and I wrote this ficlet, so it's a good sign for me updating ALL my fics - especially Dovekin)

Mama, seriously where have you been all my life? I know you jokingly tweeted about Brittana and Cinco de Mayo today, but then it all came to me and then BAM! I wrote it! (so clearly didn't edit it or anything) I haven't written in so long, but I was smiling the whole time! You are the best!

Hope everyone enjoys it cause it's been awhile since I've written smut (or anything), but I think I'm def in the mood again and this was a nice warm up. I can't wait to get back into the actual swing of things. Don't forget, I AM participating in the BrittanaCon Fic Prompt Project! So if you have any prompts, make sure you submit them! Anyway this is just some ridiculous nonsense I wrote for the fun of it and rated M cause that's what peachesncream is all about.

Brittana. Married. M. PeachesNCream. Ficlet.

Cinco de Mayo

"Rachel, this is insulting, culturally insensitive, and a new low even for you."

"Oh my dear, Santana-" Rachel casually brushed aside Santana's weak objection to her plans. "-don't tell me you've become the model of political correctness in the two months since you've so casually reaped the benefits of the hard work of the equal rights movement in this country and married another woman."

Brittany, who had been relatively quiet in the back of Rachel's car, barely bristled at the mention. Santana didn't bother to glance back. Her wife had been quiet far too long and that meant only one thing, Brittany had found a way to bring her fucking cat.

"Besides…" Rachel continued. "…we were hired so it's not like they didn't know what they were getting."

"Oh my god. Rachel! That was after you told them that I had seen a vision from Mary that it was my holy calling to sing tonight!"

"I mean…I might have stretched the truth a little, but you'll get nowhere in life without a few harmless truth stretches. I learned that during my brief stint in actual show business."

Brittany quickly interjected. "Keyword: brief."

Rachel's eyes narrowed in the rearview mirror, but Brittany pleasantly smiled back as if she hadn't added insult to Rachel's failed silver screen career.

Santana continued. "I'm not even Mexican!"

"What about the Mexican third eye you've talked about?" Rachel defended herself.

"That was near-culture appropriation. Close enough that I can use it and only I can use it. You don't get to reference it any time you want to use me for one of your crackbrain ideas. You do know that Cinco de Mayo isn't even Mexican Independence Day? It's like something totally different."

Rachel drove the car into the parking lot to Alebrije Mexican Restaurant. "Well whatever the reason for the season, Santana, we've got the gig and you two were the only ones who responded to me! This is the first step to me breaking out of my slump and heading back onto the big stage."

"Singing at a Mexican restaurant for Cinco De Mayo is the first step in your plan to be relevant again?" Brittany mused just loud enough for both women in the front to hear her. "I wonder how you could have ever not been successful your first time around stardom. What a mystery…"

Rachel's scowl in the mirror only deepened, but she was determined not to respond to Brittany. She continued. "I was so lucky you were available and texted back. It'll only be a few hours and I'll owe you!"

This time Santana purposely ducked her head and avoided looking back to Brittany. Santana jolted forward in her seat from a hard kick from behind. Unsatisfied that Brittany couldn't get Santana's attention in the mirror; she wanted Santana to know that this was her fault. When Rachel texted to find out if they had plans tonight, Brittany had told Santana not to answer the text, but how was Santana to know Rachel wanted to know what they were doing because she wanted them to participate in a singing gig and not to actually go out and do shots of tequila?

Rachel parked the car and within seconds, she handed Santana microphones, a music stand, a pile of sheet music, four sombreros, and a guitar from the trunk of her car.

"You do know that I don't play guitar, right, Berry?"

"The guitar's not for you, silly." Rachel softly chided and ushered her toward the backdoor of the Mexican restaurant.

Rachel burst through the employee entrance like she owned the place. She waved her hands as if the two chefs and the one waiter were adoring fans. "Yes, yes, we are here! Hola! Happy Cinco de Mayo! Your singing entertainment for the night has arrived!"

"This is your fault." Brittany whispered into Santana's ear as they tried to maintain distance between themselves and Rachel's entrance.

"I already apologized!" Santana made a face at Lord Tubbington in Brittany's arms. "You didn't have to bring the cat to make this worse."

"He's not the issue here. You apologized while giving Rachel lip service."

"What else was I gonna say? I already said we were available."

"You could have come up with something! An emergency? Alien invasion? A threesome with Hilary Knight? I'm the only one you should be giving lip service to." Brittany made a point to finish the last of her words right against Santana's earlobe. Santana shuddered at the wet, hot contact and almost moaned out loud as her wife pulled away to meet Rachel's questioning stare. She swallowed hard and tried to suppress the wave of warmth pulsing through her body.

"I'm so excited you guys are discussing our performance!"

Neither Brittany nor Santana responded to Rachel's statement. Santana could barely focus on walking straight when she could still feel Brittany's lips. Brittany couldn't be bothered to even glance in Berry's direction.

A voice from further in the kitchen called out. "Santana? Brittany?"

Noah Puckerman appeared from behind a counter where he was furiously scrubbing dishes with two yellow rubber gloves all the way up to his elbows. His eyes lit up with relief.

"Puck, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I got this text from Rachel who said there would be hot babes dancing tonight for Cinco de Drinko, but when I got here, they threw these gloves on me and this woman's been yelling at me to keep cleaning."

"Noah!" Rachel stepped through the kitchen with a large smile. "I see you got my text! Excellent! And that will round out our four woman mariachi band for the evening."

Clearly, Puck was just as confused and bewildered about how Rachel had conned him into being part of a music gig, but he made little effort to fight her when she stripped him of the rubber gloves, placed a sombrero on his head, and handed him the guitar from the car.

"But-" His protest was weak and quickly dismissed.

"Stop talking. I hope you paid attention in Mr. Schue's Spanish class because I said you were the best singer this side of the States." Rachel noticed Brittany was still lingering in the background with Lord Tubbington in her arms. "Brittany! Bring the cat! I have a stool for him to sit on! I think he's gonna love this sombrero hat I found for him!"

Lord Tubbington hissed fiercely at Rachel's hand movements as they were getting closer and closer to his face.

"He's feisty!" Rachel made a face at Lord Tubbington and turned back to Santana. "Oh and Santana! Make sure you put on a sombrero and brush up on the sheet music! We're all counting on you for the pronunciation part." Rachel twirled her finger in the air and marched Puck through the kitchen. "Let's go!"

Santana rolled her eyes hard in frustration with herself more than anything, Brittany flashed her a knowing look from behind Rachel's back. Santana groaned and picked up the first page of sheet music Rachel had printed out for their first (and most definitely only) night as a mariachi band.

Feliz Cumpleaños

Could Rachel get any more offensive without trying? It was almost like a superpower with her. Santana shook her head and groaned in frustration. Why did she answer Rachel's text?

"I told you not to answer her." Brittany's voice wrapped around Santana a second before strong hands rested on her hips.

"So what?" Santana instantly forgot about the sheet music and leaned back into Brittany's body. "You want me to say you were right and I was wrong?"

Santana felt Brittany's smile against the side of her neck and released a soft gasp at the tickling sensation it produced.

"It wouldn't be the first time you said it…" Brittany teased. She dropped her right hand down. Her fingers spread over Santana's lower stomach. A soft tug was all it took for Brittany to possessively pull Santana back into her body. The brunette sucked in a sharp breath and tilted her head to the left to expose her neck.

"How'd you escape Berry?" Santana breathed her question through a low moan as Brittany's fingers travelled a little further down.

"Easy." Brittany smirked and kissed the base of Santana's neck. "I dropped LT and pretended he escaped and with all that food around you should have seen how fast he took off. Pretty sure Rachel's gonna be chasing him down for the next ten minutes."

"So you were planning this the whole time?"

Brittany kissed her neck - once, twice. Santana swallowed harder and closed her eyes. Brittany's answer did more to Santana than her lips. "I was planning to do a lot more if we would have stayed home."

Fuck. She shuddered.

Too late Santana realized Brittany's lips were just a distraction. The blonde's fingers popped the two buttons of her jeans –once, twice. Her body shook with anticipation and filled with a surge of elicit desire. Santana didn't give one fuck about Rachel or LT or whatever else Brittany planned; all she could feel were her wife's fingers playing with the zipper of her jeans and the deviant intention behind every not-so-innocent kiss on her neck.

"Britt…" Santana whispered. Her left hand grasped Brittany's wrist and tried to divert her wife's fingers lower. She wasn't above begging and she had learned long ago the gains to bartering every ounce of pride she possessed for even a single moment under Brittany's rapt attention. Breathless, Santana canted her hips against Brittany's hand. "Let's get out of here please."

Brittany ignored Santana's request and shifted their bodies until all Santana could feel was Brittany's thigh incessantly pressing between her legs. She barely registered that they were facing each other until she tasted the semi-sweet flavor of Brittany's peach lip gloss. Santana hips bucked; she rolled her ass back and rested on the kitchen counter behind her. Brittany's other hand hiked her up onto the cold surface. A few mixing bowls knocked together at the sudden movement. The one chef gave a half-hearted groan of annoyance before he went back to cooking as far away from them as possible. Neither woman cared. Brittany pulled back from Santana's lips and her eyes hooded with the kind of unquenchable desire that Santana wished her wife would fill.

It was that look that made Santana clench her stomach and rock hard against Brittany's fingers just on the outside of her jeans. It surprised her how fast and sudden Brittany could ignite every inch of her body. She shut her eyes and rode a deep throb between her legs. She leaned forward and tried to catch her breath against Brittany chest, but even as she came down, her body ached for more. It was barely enough – she desired more, needed more.

As if she could read Santana's mind, Brittany lifted her free hand and brushed aside dark hair from her face. "Not yet, babe, I want you to feel me all night and think about how we're gonna spend the rest of the evening after we finish with Rachel and maybe next time you won't text Rachel back."

"Britt-" Santana tried to argue, but Brittany quickly stole away all of her objections. Her tongue rimmed the outside of her swollen lips before she gave her a kiss that would have made any onlooker blush.

Brittany pulled back with a satisfied smile. She kept Santana pinned to the kitchen counter even as she leaned back and reached around to the table behind her. "I did, however, bring something back to make the night go faster –" She handed Santana a full shot of tequila and held one for herself. Without much ceremony, they clinked the glasses together and threw them back.

Santana hissed and nodded at the burn. Brittany winked over the rim of hers.

The sound of Puck's guitar could be heard from the main room and what sounded like a remixed version of a Journey song. Santana groaned. "I hope you brought the whole bottle because this night is gonna be a disaster."

Brittany handed her another shot. "Of course I did cause I know you can only speak Spanish when you're drunk."

"Ugh." Santana quickly tossed the second shot back. "Berry's a nightmare. She knows I don't speak that much Spanish, much less, sing it. You are the one with the talk show."

"Yeah but I like your Spanish more…" Brittany leaned back into Santana and licked a small trickle of tequila from the corner of her mouth. Santana moaned at the hot trail Brittany's tongue left along her lips and down her jawline. "…you're so sexy when you drink cause the only Spanish you know is dirty."

"Brittany! Santana!" Rachel barked from the other side of the kitchen.

Santana leaned back from Brittany's lips with a groan of frustration and threw Rachel a crippling glare, but Rachel didn't care. She appeared to be dealing with troubles of her own. She was disheveled and her hair was a complete mess, she wore salsa all over her shirt, and there were tortilla chips sticking in her hair. In her hands, she cautiously carried a very self-satisfied Lord Tubbington who looked like he just enjoyed a grand feast.

"I've been looking for you everywhere! I finally recovered your cat, Brittany, but Puck started serenading one of the waitresses and someone got offended, but now everyone is singing withou-" Rachel stopped talking. Her eyes drifted down where Brittany's hand was still in Santana's jeans. "-You two are the worst! I can't believe you! That is so unsanitary and inappropriate and what am I saying? Of course I can believe it! It's fine! I don't even care! Just get your sombreros on and get out here!"

She stomped out of the kitchen accompanied by their laughter.

"One more?" Brittany held up the bottle of tequila. Santana took the open bottle and chugged. As Santana finished her third (and a half) shot, Brittany button her jeans back up and plopped the nearest sombrero over Santana's head. "I think you'd look even sexier with one those mustaches on too."

Santana rolled her eyes, adjusted the hat, and tilted it back so she could kiss Brittany one last time. "Keep the bottle close."

"Duh." Brittany took a swig of her own.

Santana interlocked their fingers and grabbed Rachel's sheet music with her other hand. "Happy Cinco de Mayo, babe. You better enjoy it tonight because we are never celebrating again."

"Don't worry I intend to enjoy every second of it." Brittany winked with a secret smile. "I made a bet with Puck that I could get you to do a body shot off Rachel before the end of the night."

"Never."