Chapter Sixteen

Rayna's Journal

Tomorrow we leave for the tour. I'm nervous. Deacon sent back the contract Bucky delivered to him almost immediately. He was on board. We talked at rehearsals and I said no duets. It scares me a little, what singing a duet on stage with my soul mate could potentially unearth. No way am I risking Maddie's perfect home life to sing a song with Deacon. I feel bad belting out some of the songs on the new album, songs I've written about him, like "This love ain't big enough". But we practiced and practiced until the awkwardness was gone.

Teddy's not happy about it. To the point where he threatened to quit his job and stay home with Maddie while I toured. And then he said he was coming too. And eventually I made him see that I loved him, wasn't going to leave him, and that having Deacon around in my band eased my guilty conscience, but I promised not to tell Deacon the truth. And it's going to be hard not to tell him. Extremely hard. But I've promised my husband and I don't want to ruin our marriage. And I know he loves Maddie so much.

I'm excited though, this is a huge tour, June through to December, then late January through to May. With me as a headliner. My second headlining tour, but there's still a lot of pressure. All the dates sold out in minutes and we even had to add an extra night in New York, Los Angeles, Houston and Nashville. This is exactly what I have always dreamed of. Being labeled the Queen of Country Music, like so many of my heroes.

Rayna's Journal

Today is Maddie's first birthday. It was a reasonably cold January day, and Teddy had insisted on hiring space at the country club (I still hate that place with a passion!) and we invited family and friends with children, Bucky, Coleman and Audrey all came as well. It was great to see everyone we knew and loved interacting with Maddie, who is a bit of a social butterfly once she's over the original shyness of a large crowd. In her pink tutu dress, stockings and pink cowboy boots, she was happy to toddle around holding onto Teddy's hand. She's just started walking in the last month, and god I have my hands full. She's everywhere. It's going to be such a mission when we head back out on tour next week.

I call her my platinum baby, the album I released a few months after she was born, went platinum in a week. Now it's triple platinum. Maddie's like a little good luck charm. Or just a charm in general, she has all the guys on the tour bus wrapped around her finger. Especially 'Uncle Deacon', who bought her the little cowboy boots for Christmas. A very sober Uncle Deacon. Who miraculously managed to make it through a full June-December tour without doing something stupid. I felt awful for ages realising that I think he's really stuck with sobriety this time. And then there was the guilt that maybe I should have waited. And then there were the dark thoughts that maybe it was my fault he'd been driven to drinking, pills and crap.

Bucky hired an assistant for me. To assist with Maddie during concerts and sound checks. Maddie came with me to every interview and meet and greet. I think he called it an assistant to make me feel better, I'd refused to hire a nanny. But for a few hours, 4 at the most, every 1-2 days was alright. Teddy came out when he could on weekends. She loves coming to sound check, little earmuffs on, and sitting in the stands or walking around the front of the arena with my assistant. Occasionally I'll take off the earmuffs when the bands not playing and let her try the microphone. But what she really wants when she gets on stage – is Deacon and his guitar. I still think she'll definitely make a great guitar player. Deacon sits her on his lap on the bus when he rides with us and she'll strum the strings for ages, listening to the sounds and the different chords Deacon switches between with his fingers. I'm a bit jealous, a year old and a better guitar player than me. Martina and Faith have given me heaps of tips about parenting on the road – things to make it easier, and what battles to let slide. Maddie doesn't like day naps any more. So we do early bedtime – I put her to bed in a hotel or on the bus with my assistant to watch her, about 6pm, and she'll easily sleep through til 9am.

Weekends when Teddy comes out, we go sightseeing, and he takes Maddie while I'm onstage, sometimes even bringing her and her little earmuffs to see the show, although she's always asleep on his shoulder by the time the show is finished. Not often happens though, Teddy is more than happy to avoid Deacon like the plague. Although the look on his face when a little eleven month old girl asked for "Deke" nearly drove him crazy. She'd been saying Mama and Daddy for awhile, as well as hi and bye, but word number five was indeed "Deke" and Deacon was over the moon. He admitted sadly one afternoon that he would make a much better uncle than a father and that Maddie and Scarlett would be the closest he would have to kids of his own. I cried myself to sleep that night, as well as so many others. Dreaming of a life that could have been.

But on the happy side, we partied away most of the day. The whole lounge downstairs is stacked with presents. The wooden outdoor playhouse from Daddy, the toy baby and pram from Tandy, the piles of clothes and smaller toys from others. It's going to take me most of the day to find places to put everything. We've actually been considering turning one of the downstairs rooms into a playroom to keep this mass of toys out of the kitchen and lounge.

Daddy absolutely dotes on his first grandchild. I still dislike being around him, but I agreed when Tandy said that Maddie deserved to have a relationship with her Papa. And she adores him and much as he adores her. But to be honest, Maddie adores nearly everyone in her life. He picked her up and carted her round, bragging about her walking before her first birthday, teaching her to shake hands and say hi to people. She even managed to light up his face by saying 'Papa' for the first time.

I'd ordered a minnie mouse cake, Maddie loves watching Mickey on the tour bus. She squealed with excitement as Teddy and I helped her blow out the candles after everyone sung her happy birthday. And then she reached out and grabbed hand fulls of icing and tried to lick it off her fingers. Huge mess, but way too cute to tell her off for. I kinda hope the photographer Tandy said we 'needed', got a snap of it, so I can show Maddie one day. Maybe embarrass her with it on her 21st.

Being a mom is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Seeing her happy, giggling and smiling makes me happier than any platinum record or CMA award ever could. She's the light of my life, and over the last year, watching her grow, watching her and Teddy, and seeing Teddy become the best father I could have wanted for Maddie, has made me fall in love with him, properly. Doubts still linger, and honestly the only thing at this stage that will get rid of the lingering doubts, is this book. The memories and feelings in here about the past are now ones that I'd rather forget, I remember every time I open my suitcase and see this book. So now that I'm home, I'm going to forget about it. No more journal, I'm going to hide it away for many many years until I can finally tell Maddie the truth, and Deacon as well, and maybe this will help them understand the conflict. Even now it seems like we've made a wrong choice, but for the right reasons. All I've ever wanted from day one is to protect the daughter I love with all my heart.

Maddie closed the book. That was it. Most of her questions had been answered. She understood why her Mom had done what she'd done, and she felt sorry for her that she had to make such a big decision. But at the end of the day, her intentions had been right, she'd protected her daughter. Maddie. And she'd given Maddie the best life she could have. She still wasn't sure what she thought about her Daddy's part in all of this, but in time she could probably forgive him too, for he had never ever made her feel like anything less than his own daughter, never loved her any less that he had Daphne.

She put the book in the top shelf of wardrobe, next to the shoe box that her Mom had given her but she hadn't looked in yet. She wasn't sure when she'd open that box of memories, or even if she could bring herself to do it. It held her Mom's most treasured memories. Did Maddie want to invade her mothers private life even more than she already had?

Maddie found her mother in the lounge, reading a music magazine on the couch with a cup of tea.

"I finished your book" Maddie stated as she sat down next to her Mom. Rayna shut the magazine and put it on the coffee table.

"And?" Rayna asked, raising her eyebrow.

"I love you Mom." Maddie said, leaning over to hug her mother.

"I love you too sweet girl"

"I know you were protecting me Mom. That means a lot to me. Growing up here, with you and Daddy and Daphne, it was the best. You sacrificed your own happiness for mine, and that is the best thing you could have ever done for me. It must have been so hard for you"

"Once I let go of the past, I was happy. For a long time I was very happy and content with my life. I did my best for you, and eventually for Daphne too. Daphne was born out of love, I did love your Daddy. I just didn't love the man he became in the last year, corrupted by my Daddy so easily, so happy to trample on anyone to achieve his goals. He put you and your sister's happiness on the line just so that he could become mayor. That didn't sit right with me, and I knew I couldn't pretend any more." Her Mom said sadly, and Maddie nodded thoughtfully.

"I'm glad you and Deacon ended up together Mom. I watch you two together and it's like magic. I can tell you never had that connection with Daddy, and thinking back, I'd never noticed that even though you weren't together that way, you and Deacon never lost that connection. I hope I find the love you two have when I'm an adult."

"Don't rush into it like I did. Take your time. And I think Deacon and your Daddy are both going to do anything they can to prevent you from dating for at least another ten years" They laughed.

"Thanks for sharing your story with me." Maddie said and Rayna squeezed her hand.

"Anytime, sweetheart. I know it was important for you to know what happened so you could understand and move on. And it's not a story I'll ever really be ready to tell completely, so it seemed right to just let you read it so that I didn't have to relive it myself." Rayna admitted sadly. Maddie had never seen her Mom this open, and happy to communicate about the sadder parts of her life. Her mother had always been so strong, so positive and Maddie found herself respecting her mother more than ever for being able to talk about this stuff without breaking down in tears. She hoped one day that she could be as strong as her mother.

"And I don't think anything less of Daddy either. I know he made a big decision accepting me as his own. It must have been a big challenge for him, especially if he knew he wasn't your first choice, and that Deacon was always there with you. It must have been as hard for him as it was for you."

"I know. I have a lot of admiration and respect for what he did. And I always will." Rayna smiled brightly as Deacon entered the room. "Hey babe"

"Hey, two of my favourite girls. How's it going?" He said, kissing Maddie on the forehead and kissing Rayna on the lips before sitting down. Maddie watched as her mother leaned into his side, looking like she was drawing strength from having him close to her.

"Good, what are you doing here?" Maddie said happily "Not that I'm not glad you're here, Dad."

"I'll never get tired hearing that. Being called Dad." Deacon replied, and Maddie beamed at him. "But I'm here for a pretty crap reason. Scarlett just emailled me a link. Let me show you" He grabbed the iPad off the table and entered a web address, bringing up a tabloid article.

'Madeline Conrad – Or should it be Claybourne?'

A Source close to the Conrad family revealed to us today that the oldest daughter of country singer Rayna Jaymes and Mayor Conrad isn't actually Mayor Conrad's biological child. The father in question of Madeline 'Maddie' Conrad, is indeed Deacon Claybourne, long time love of Rayna Jaymes and her lead guitarist in her band, even during her marriage to Mayor Conrad.

Anyone from Mayor Conrad's team or Rayna Jaymes management declined to comment.

The article went on, but Deacon closed the page before Maddie could read anymore.

"Daddy. I can bet it was him" Rayna said, leaning forward, her elbows on her knees and rubbing her temples with her fingertips.

"Has Bucky not got hold of you?" Deacon asked and Rayna cursed under her breath.

"Phone was on silent" she said, grabbing her phone off the table and looking at the screen. "12 missed calls. 3 voicemails" she groaned.

"How are we going to do this?" Maddie asked, and her parents looked at her.

"Well, I guess we'd better get Teddy over here and discuss this properly. I suppose we'll have to do some sort of media interveiw or press conference. This is going to be a media frenzy" Rayna said, standing and pacing the floor as she text her ex-husband quickly.

"But now it'll be all out in the open, no more lies and we can all move on and be happy. Together. You, me, Daphne and Maddie, like it's always supposed to have been" Deacon said, standing and walking to Rayna and putting his arms around her. Maddie stood as well and wrapped her arms around her parents.

"I love you Mom, and I love you Dad. We got this"

THE END

Wow, what a journey! Hope you've all enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing. Keep your eyes out for the companion I'm about to start, little one-shots that work with this story, all the memories in the box that Rayna gave Maddie, to fill in some of the gaps between the journal entries. Thanks for all the support and reviews!