"You cannot be serious, Dumbledore."

Snape stood, hand on the table before him to emphasise his point and, for once, the popular opinion of the other professors seemed to be on his side. This would have been heartening, were it not for the ominously winsome twinkle in his employer's eye. This did not bode well for a sane outcome to the staff meeting.

"On the contrary, Severus, I am being most serious. Miss Granger makes an excellent point. I have long felt that we could do more to better integrate our muggle born students into the student body, and to help students from wizarding families to appreciate the contributions muggle society can make to our own."

"That's all very well, Albus," Minerva interjected, pinching the bridge of her nose. "But I'm sure Miss Granger only meant to suggest a – a class of some sort, or a club for… the appreciation of muggle or wizarding culture. Not this." She waved her hand dismissively at her copy of the heinous proposal.

"Actually, Minerva, I think you'll find that Miss Granger specifically mentions health and physical well-being as an area we neglect here at Hogwarts. And, I'm afraid, I must agree with her. There's very little to physically stimulate our students beyond –,"

"Running for their lives," Snape muttered in an undertone.

"– Beyond Quidditch," Dumbledore continued seamlessly, eyes twinkling merrily. "And that's only really open to the more athletically gifted. We must seek to be more inclusive."

"But surely, Albus, the students' education is more related to intellectual stimulation, rather than the physical." Filius interjected. "Mind over matter, as they say. And in any case, the students certainly exert themselves working with Pomona." He nodded at Sprout. He was looking a little worried and Severus could not blame him. With his small stature, he was hardly physically equipped to keep up with his students' exercise regime.

Unfortunately, Dumbledore seemed pleased by this comment.

"You're right, Filius, as educators our prime goal is, of course, our students' acquisition of knowledge. But, you know, Miss Granger's letter inspired me to do some research and, well –." He heaved what seemed to be a bag bursting with books onto the table. "As you can see, there is rather a lot of muggle research on the benefits conferred on a sound mind by a healthy body. And not just physically healthy, either! The emotional health of our students is of paramount importance. I fear our care of our charges has lacked a certain, pastoral element."

As Minerva, Filius, Pomona and even Poppy bristled, Dumbledore cheerfully produced another innocuous looking pile of papers and began to distribute them. Severus hated them on sight.

He had thought forcing all teachers to participate in a compulsory physical education programme with their students was bad enough. But the twinkle was threatening to turn into a supernova. Clearly, they had barely touched the tip of the iceberg of whatever horrors Dumbledore had in store.

Grudgingly, he pulled his sheet towards him with the very tip of his finger. He looked at it. And he was saved from the necessity of making a violent scene by Minerva beating him to the punch.

"Albus, no!" She spluttered, apparently unable to find further words to express her horror. The other heads of houses all murmured in distressed accord, though Severus noticed Babbage seemed to be struggling to keep a straight face.

Dumbledore didn't even try. He smiled broadly as he continued. "I know this proposal seems somewhat radical, Minerva. I myself was surprised. But you know the Minister has been owling me frequently about this Muggle-born Rights pressure group, and even the Board of Governors agree that it would be expedient to make a gesture of good will. Initiating one or other of these schemes would show the world that here at Hogwarts we are committed to breaching the rift between pure blood and muggle-born families. Implementing Muggle wisdom gleaned from their education system really seems to me to be the simplest approach. I really must submit one or other to the Board for approval. Though, naturally, I brought it to you all for discussion first."

It was a noose, Severus realised, with a growing sense of doom. He glanced sideways at the rest of the Faculty. Some of his colleagues seemed to be having trouble processing. Babbling was mouthing the damned words as if they were one of her hitherto undiscovered Ancient Runes. A few looked indignant on his behalf. Most looked amused, casting sideways glances at him, Minerva, Filius and Pomona.

"Albus!" Pomona moaned, recognising defeat.

Because of course, when it came down to a vote, all his traitorous colleagues would much prefer to subject the Heads of Houses to this awkward, humiliating punishment (for what he was not sure), than submit to a programme of physical exercise themselves. And he, along with his comrades in suffering, was vastly outnumbered.

"Albus," Minerva tried again, being a true Gryffindor and therefore unable to recognise a hopeless cause. "Albus, really! Counselling I can understand but…" her mouth twisted. Poppy patted her hand sympathetically, though she looked markedly pleased to have escaped their fate.

Minerva breathed deeply and uttered the fatal words.

"Sex education?"