Hello...it's me...LOL sorry. Seriously though. I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated anything but I'm back now. And with something depressing no less. :). It literally took an entire village to get this fic out and I have so many people to thank. I feel like trigger warnings are in order 'cause like I said, this is depressing. Don't even know if any of ya'll will read it. Oh well, here goes.

Trigger warnings for;

Depression, Internalized homophobia,Homophobia, Physical abuse. E.D, S.I., Alcoholism, Really bad coping mechanisms, Internalized self hate, Dubious consent.

Part One: Youth.

My youth is yours, tripping on skies sipping waterfalls.

The best thing to ever happen to Lauren Lewis happens because Mrs. Hendrix from next door dies.

Which sounds morbid and a little bit mean if you think about it, but it's honestly not. Lauren actually liked Mrs. Hendrix a whole lot. She used to babysit Lauren and her sister Lucy when they were younger. And she'd bake them cookies that tasted like both vanilla and strawberry and tell them the best kind of stories and let them stay up so late that Lauren's eyes couldn't stay open no matter how much she wanted them to. Lauren was very sad when her mom told her that Mrs. Hendrix had suffered a heart attack and died. She wasn't allowed to go to the funeral but she was allowed to take Mrs. Hendrix's favourite flowers to her house the next day and even helped Charlie -Mrs. Hendrix's daughter- pack some of Mrs. Hendrix's stuff.

The Hendrix house doesn't get new owners for almost a whole year. Tamsin says it's because it's haunted, but Tamsin also says that batman is better than superman so Lauren doesn't really believe much of what comes out of Tamsin's mouth. She asks her mother often if she thinks the house will get new owners soon. It would be nice to have new people around. Lauren likes new people. They're like new books, strange and exciting and endlessly mysterious. It would be cool if the new owners had children. Lauren's in desperate need of someone to play with since Lucy's thirteen now and she won't play with Lauren because she says Lauren's a baby and Tamsin's always with her mother, practicing pageant stuff.

Mrs. Lewis always tells Lauren that she doesn't know but if she hears anything, Lauren will be the first person she tells. Lauren knows she's lying. Grandpa's sick and daddy's depressed so her mom's too worried to think of anything other than taking care of him. Lauren doesn't know what depressed means, but Lucy says it's not good. And Lucy's thirteen and thirteen year olds know a lot more than seven year olds so she must be right. Still, Lauren appreciates the effort her mom makes, even if it's to just tell her a little white lie.

Months pass and Lauren finally gets tired of asking. She forgets what it ever felt like to live next to Mrs. Hendrix. Her mom buys her a puppy and she names him Salmon. Tamsin becomes Little Miss Edwardsville and she suddenly stops picking Lauren's calls and she stops talking to her which is alright, or whatever. Lauren didn't like how snotty she was becoming anyway. She spends most of her days with Salmon, teaching him awesome tricks and trying to teach him how to count (she mildly excels at the former and tragically fails at the latter).

A year passes. She turns eight and her mom takes her to the new aquarium that opened in Chester. She's told to invite as many friends as she wants and it feels like her mom is somehow overcompensating. Things have turned rather weird at home ever since Grandpa's health took a turn for the worse and Lauren's father had to move in with him to help him cope. But Lauren doesn't have any friends anymore since she stopped talking to Tamsin so she ends up going to the aquarium with just her mom and Lucy who's literally useless since she's always on her phone.

In all her eight years of life, Lauren has never seen a sadder birthday, not even Kyle Jones's and all people do at his birthday is watch those black and white silent movies that he's obsessed with and eat sugarless candy. When she blows out the candles on her cake, Lauren wishes that someone would move to Mrs. Hendrix's house. Someone with a child her age. She could really, really use a friend.

Lauren's grandfather dies three days before school's due to break for summer and her mom says they all have to go to the funeral to show their love and support for Lauren's father. Lauren didn't know her grandfather much. He kept to himself a lot and didn't like children very much. But with the exception of her eighth birthday, he'd always sent her birthday and Christmas presents and every time Lauren's father visited him, he sent him back with a book for both Lauren and Lucy. So Lauren feels like she owes it to him to dress nicely to his funeral.

Funerals are odd things. Lauren wears her pretty black dress that her mom bought for her when she was seven. She sits next to her mom who sits next to her dad who sits next to Lucy whose wearing sunglasses that make her look disrespectful in Lauren's opinion. Everybody looks sad as they lower her grandfather into the ground but when they get back to the house they eat and smile and tell each other funny things that Lauren's grandfather once did. It's all very strange and Lauren's relieved when her mom says that they'll all be going home the next day, except her dad who has to stay back and sort some things out.

Lauren's glad to get back home to Salmon and her room and her toys but she's especially glad when she gets home to find a removal lorry in front of Mrs. Hendrix's old house.

"Neighbours!" She yells even before her mom has parked the car. She's kneeling on the car seat although she knows she's not supposed to. She's just so excited. "Oh my god, do you think they have a child? Do you think she's a girl? Not that I care, a friend's a friend."

Her mom lets out a chuckle and parks the car, chastising Lauren when she hurriedly climbs out, ready to go meet her neighbours, "you can't go there now. They just arrived, let them settle in first."

Lauren deflates and pouts. "But when will that be?"

"Tomorrow maybe. Now come on, go change and then go to the Jones's and get Salmon. And don't forget to thank them."

Lauren sighs. "Kay." She looks longingly at the lorry before heaving out another sigh and trudging towards the rock where they hide the key.

Tomorrow seems like such a long time away.

The next day, Lauren wakes up earlier than she ever has in all her life. She takes a bath all by herself and puts on her green dress with a pink ribbon that makes her look especially friendly. She even sprays Salmon with Lucy's hairspray so that he smells like cherries and freshness; she wants to make the very best first impression she possibly can on her new neighbours.

"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" Her mom asks just as Lauren reaches for the door. Lauren turns around with a guilty look on her face. She knows its super early, but she's just too excited to meet her new neighbours to care.

"I'm taking Sally for a walk." Her mom frowns the way she always does when she unimpressed. Lauren sighs and slumps her little shoulders, "I just really want to see if they have a child my age.

"And you will," her mom says, her face softening a little, "after you've had your breakfast and done your chores. You know you have to help around the house now that daddy's not around."

"Yes ma'am."

Her mom smiles. She can never be mad at Lauren for too long, especially not when she's being so adorable. "Go wake your sister up. Tell her I need her to help me get breakfast ready."

"Kay." She whispers, making her way towards the stairs. She feels a little sad and a lot disappointed. She had been looking forward to meeting her new neighbours. But then Salmon rubs his head on her leg and looks up at her with his shiny puppy eyes and everything doesn't seem so bad anymore. She just has to have breakfast and do her chores then she can go meet her new neighbours. She rubs behind Salmon's ears just like he likes it and laughs when he wags his tail happily. "You're the best, Sally." She tells him as she leads them to Lucy's room.

Lucy doesn't like Lauren going into her room. Not since she turned twelve and she and Lauren's mom went out and got her bras and makeup and she started talking to Lenny Rodgers all the time on the phone. So Lauren knocks on Lucy's door and knocks and knocks and Salmon barks insistently until Lucy finally yanks the door open and looks at the both of them with glaring eyes.

"What!" She barks out.

Lauren frowns. She doesn't very much appreciate being shouted at. "Mom said to come get you. Said she needs you to help her with breakfast."

Lucy grumbles. She does that a lot nowadays. Lauren's mom says its teenage hood taking its toll on her and that Lauren will be just like that someday. Lauren hopes she's wrong. She doesn't think she'll like being miserable all the time.

"Fine." Lucy finally says and bangs the door closed.

Lauren frowns at the closed door before picking Salmon up. "Teenage hood sure does make people rude, doesn't it, Sally?" Salmon barks happily and licks her face. Lauren laughs.

.

.

Lauren eats her breakfast slowly so she doesn't spill on her dress, then later she stands on her stool and helps her mother do the dishes. She waits patiently while her mother nicely packs some cookies and freshly baked bread in a picnic basket for her new neighbours and nods solemnly when her mother tells her to carry the basket carefully all the way to their new neighbours's house.

She makes sure not to skip on the way although she really wants to and she asks Salmon about ten times if he thinks she looks nice. Salmon wags his tail and Lauren decides that means yes.

She rings the bell and waits patiently and mentally prepares her politest smile for when someone opens the door.

"Hello." A tall man with dark hair and a grey shirt like the one Lauren's father paints in.

She smiles so wide at him her cheeks hurt a little. "Hello. I'm Lauren. I brought you bread."

She stretches the picnic basket out to him and he laughs in amusement as he takes it from her. She puts her hands behind her back and waits for him to invite her and Salmon inside. It'll be very rude of him if he doesn't considering she just brought him a basketful of treats.

"Thank you." He says in a deep voice, then smiles kindly at her. "Would you like a glass of warm milk?"

Lauren beams. "Yes please." Then she walks inside, Salmon right on her heels. She looks around the house as she waits for the nice man to close the door. It looks exactly like hers, except for the fact that there are boxes everywhere. Some of them half unpacked, others not even opened yet. Salmon tries jumping into one of the half unpacked boxes but Lauren scoops him up before he can get to it. "Behave." She whispers into his ear before giving her new neighbour an apologetic smile.

He just pats Salmon's head and tells Lauren to follow him into the kitchen. The kitchen looks almost identical to the Lewis's, except it's less clean and it smells a lot less like bleach and a lot more like fried bacon and nicely cooked eggs. Lauren decides that she likes it. There's a woman seated on one of the high stools. Her hair's in an extremely neat bun and she's dressed impeccably. Lauren thinks maybe she's going to work or something. Lauren's mother doesn't work. And she says women who work are unfair to their children. Lauren frowns slightly at the woman; she doesn't like unfair people very much.

Beside the woman, there's a little girl in blue overalls and a white tee shirt. Her dark hair is in French braids and she's looking at Lauren like she can't quite decide whether or not she likes her. Lauren's frown turns into a wide smile.

The girl scowls. "This is Lauren." The kind man says, placing a hand on Lauren's shoulder. "Lauren, this is my wife Aife and my daughter Bo. Lauren here is our very first guest, and she brought fresh bread." He beams at his family and pats Lauren's shoulder once before moving away.

Aife and Bo are just looking at Lauren and it makes her feel uncomfortable. She rubs behind Salmon's ear and searches her mind for something to say. "This is Salmon." She says finally. Everyone loves Salmon. He's tiny and cute and playful and it's impossible not to like him. "He's my best friend. I named him after my favourite fish. Everyone calls him Sally though. Wanna pet him?"

Bo is quiet for a moment then her lips stretch into a small grin and Lauren wonders if anyone has ever told her how pretty she is. She could probably rival Tamsin for the Little Miss Edwardsville crown and win. "You named your dog after a fish?"

Lauren nods, "my favourite fish. D'you want to pet him? He's super friendly."

Bo looks at her dad, then her mom, then she shakes her head, "maybe later." She says quietly, "would you like some milk?"

Lauren nods and sets Salmon down with a stern warning not to move. Salmon sits and looks at her with his big puppy eyes, waiting for her approval. She chuckles and starches his ear. He wags his tail. Bo laughs. Lauren smiles at her. She and Bo are going to be great friends, she can tell.

.

.

Lauren takes great pride in showing Bo all around Edwardsville. They take their bikes and Bo's is great because it has a little basket at the front where Salmon can sit and bark as much as he wants. Lauren takes Bo to all her favourite places. She takes her to Candy Castle and introduces her to Miss. Flynn who always has a smile on her face and pigtails in her hair. Miss. Flynn gives the free candy on the grounds of Bo being new and they sit on the pavement right in front of Candy Castle and eat candy until they can't anymore.

She also takes Bo to Mrs. Violet's ice cream shop and they meet Tamsin there who's having ice cream with some of her friends from her snotty pageants. Lauren puffs her chest out as she introduces Bo as her new best friend and she feels an inexplicable amount of glee when Tamsin's eyes widen in what can only be jealousy. That'll teach her not to be snooty with Lauren.

Everyday there's something new to show Bo and when there isn't , they hang out in Lauren's backyard and play with Salmon or just lie on the grass and stare at the sky. They never go to Bo's. Bo says her father is starting up a new company and he needs his peace and quiet, and that her mother doesn't like children. Lauren finds it strange, that Bo's mother doesn't like children seeing as she's Bo's mother. But she doesn't mind Bo spending so much time at her place. Bo is funny and loud and surprisingly good at playing pranks on Lucy. She's exactly the kind of friend Lauren wished for when she blew her birthday candles.

The whole summer is a blur of bicycle rides and candy and ice cream and before Lauren knows it, summer break is over and she's in third grade. Her father comes back a week after schools open and he's so different that Lauren doesn't know how to act around him anymore. She wants to tell him that she has a new best friend and that she finally managed to teach Salmon how to walk on two legs. But he's always so quiet these days. The only time he ever talks is after he's gone out with Kyle's father and he comes back home late and unable to walk straight. Lauren's mother says not to talk to him when he's 'in that state'. So Lauren keeps as far away from him as she can.

Bo's ninth birthday comes a week after Halloween and she decides to have a costume party and invites everyone in their class. Lauren's mother helps Lauren with her blue fairy costume and even does her hair in a pretty bun. She's the only blue fairy at the party, three other girls came as pink fairies and Bo decided to be superwoman. Lauren thinks Bo's costume is the coolest of them all and she tells her as much.

They have juice and crisps and a really nice strawberry cake then everyone gives Bo a present then they watch The Lion King as they wait for their parents to come pick them up. Lauren gets to spend the night and she even helps Bo unwrap some of her presents. Bo's father makes them hot chocolate before they sleep and even allows them to eat a slice of the leftover cake. It's the best birthday Lauren's ever been to.

Lauren's own ninth birthday passes without much fanfare. Things at her place have become rather tense recently. Her mother looks almost constantly tired and her father spends more time out of the house than he does in it. The only people who even remember Lauren's birthday are Lucy and Bo. Lucy takes the two of them out for ice cream and then to the mall. She buys Lauren a nice scarf and a coloring book she's been wanting since forever. Lauren hugs her as tight as she can. "Maybe you're not so bad." She whispers. Lucy snorts.

Bo gives Lauren her whole collection of power rangers and she won't take it back no matter how much Lauren tries to return it. So in the end, Lauren accepts it and hugs her and tells her she's the best best friend in the world.

.

.

Bo's father's company finally starts paying off in the middle of fourth grade and Bo starts spending more time at Lauren's place than her own. Bo's mother doesn't seem to care where Bo is as long as she's safe. They stay up late under the covers and whisper secrets to each other and shut their eyes tight when Lauren's mother comes to check on them. Sometimes they sneak back down when everyone's asleep and cuddle up on the couch with Lauren's yellow blanket and watch SpongeBob and try to muffle their laughs. They usually find it hard to keep their eyes open the next day and they promise each other that they'll never sneak down again. But they break those promises more often than not.

The Halloween after Bo's tenth birthday is the best one Lauren's ever had in her life. They still have so much candy left over from Bo's birthday so this Halloween will be more about having fun than getting candy, but Lauren figures getting some candy couldn't hurt. They agree to dress as zombies and it takes them a whole week to get their costumes ready. Bo's dad gives them money to go to a professional designer in Chester. Lauren would have asked her mom to help since she's good at costumes and she's always helped Lauren with hers before, but her mother's been acting weird lately and Lucy says they should let her be. Lucy's almost sixteen now, practically an adult. She's less angry and more rational, she speaks with an air of authority and Lauren finds it easy to respect her. She and Bo take a bus to Chester all by themselves and are back before nightfall with their costumes. Lucy agrees to take them trick or treating without much of a fuss. She rolls her eyes as they put on their zombie make up and puts on a hoodie and headphones all the while while they're trick or treating so she's not much fun. They get much more candy than Lauren thought they would, it seems like people really like the zombie duo. Lauren and Bo agree to dress the exact same way next Halloween.

They pour all their candy on the floor of Lauren' bedroom when they get back home. They then divide their pile into three different piles. One pile they'll devour as soon as possible. Another they'll eat tomorrow, and the last one they'll hide in different places so they can find candy at the most random times and be surprised in the best way.

They eat so much candy that Lauren fears they'll get a stomach ache. And since Lucy is in a good mood and Lauren and Bo are ten now, practically adults, she allows them to watch a mildly scary horror movie. Lauren spends most of the movie with her face hidden in Bo's shoulder and Bo spends most of it with a pillow on her face. Still, it's the best movie Lauren has ever watched. They fall asleep on Lucy's bed, with Salmon somewhere near their feet and their fingers entwined. Before she fully falls asleep, Lauren silently wishes next Halloween will be exactly like this one.

.

.

Three days before Lauren turns eleven, Mr. and Mrs. Valentina from down the street move. Lauren's the first to see the moving truck and she runs all the way to Bo's and runs all the way to Bo's room (she doesn't ever knock nowadays) and wakes her up.

"Where do you think they're moving to?" Bo asks. They're outside now, Bo's still in her pajamas with Salmon -who's getting a little too big to be carried now- in her arms.

Lauren shrugs and shoves more cereal in her mouth. The Dennises always have the best cereal to be honest. "Florida maybe. They look like a Florida kind of couple."

"What does that even mean?"

Lauren shrugs again, "d'you want to go peek inside their truck?"

"Sure." Bo agrees easily. She always agreeable in the morning. It's the best time to ask her to do stuff. There's nothing cool to see in the truck and when Salmon barks so loud at a picture of two cats that Mrs. Valentina comes to check what the ruckus is all about, Lauren almost regrets suggesting they come snooping in the first place. But then Mrs. Valentina smiles at them and pets Salmon and helps them out of the truck and even gives them a couple of ugly dolls.

Suddenly, Lauren feels bad that the Valentinas are moving. She has never been close to them or anything. But she's lived close to them all her life. She always knows that she's guaranteed English candy when she goes trick or treating on their door and once she and Lucy and a bunch of other kids caroled for them and they gave them a box of expensive looking white chocolate. She impulsively hugs Mrs. Valentina's legs. She hates how everything is suddenly changing. Her father is now either quiet and withdrawn or loud and a little scary. Her mom is almost never home and even Lucy seems to be in her own world. Everything is changing so fast and Lauren doesn't know how to stop it.

Mrs. Valentina pats her head and smiles at her as she says goodbye. Bo holds her hand as they watch the truck leave.

"Are you okay?" She asks softly when they're back in Bo's room. Lauren shrugs and brushes Salmon's fur with her fingers. She doesn't really understand what she's feeling. Bo bites her lip and sits beside her on the floor. "Do you want me to kiss it better?"

Lauren frowns, her hand stilling on Salmon's fur, "what?"

"My dad used to do it for my mom. When she got quiet and we didn't know what else to do. He'd kiss her face until she felt better."

Lauren looks at Salmon, then at Bo, then she nods. It couldn't hurt.

Bo moves closer. "Close your eyes." She says quietly. Lauren does as she's told. First Bo kisses the back of her left eyelid, then the right, then both of her cheeks, then her forehead, then her chin, then her nose. Lauren laughs and opens her eyes. She finds Bo smiling at her, eyes bright and proud, "better?" She asks.

Lauren nods. "Much better. Thanks."

.

.

The Valentina house doesn't take as long to find new owners as Mrs. Hendrix's did. Bo says it's because no one died in it. That people are less afraid to move in there. Its two weeks into summer when the new family moves in. It's probably the hottest summer Lauren's ever experienced in all her eleven years of life. Bo says that her father has finally -after months of pestering from Bo and Lauren- agreed to install a pool in their backyard. It won't be ready for months though, but just that thought of someday having a pool all of their own makes the two of them giddy. But until then, they'll just have to deal with the unbearable heat.

"Do you think they have a kid our age?" Bo asks, licking her arm where some of her melted ice cream has trickled to. She has always been the messiest ice cream eater Lauren has ever seen. And no matter how many times Lauren tells her not to buy the cone, she doesn't listen 'I like how crunchy the cone is'. Is the reason she always gives.

Lauren narrows her eyes a little and removes some dirt from her flip flops. They're old and she should probably get new ones. But Lucy has warned her numerous times not to ask for things. She says things are different now and that they have to make do with what they have. Bo nudges her foot softly, tired of waiting for a response. Lauren licks her lips. They taste like the vanilla ice cream she just had. She's so much better at eating ice cream than Bo is. "Don' know. Have you seen any toys?"

"Kids our age don't play with toys, Lauren." Bo finishes her ice cream cone with three big bites then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, "I haven't seen a bike though, so I doubt they have a kid our age."

Lauren just shrugs. She doesn't care. She has Bo and that's all that matters to her. "Do you want to go to Candy Castle?"

"Do you have money?"

"Some." She reaches into her pockets and pulls out a few coins. She's been babysitting a lot this summer. If she can't ask her parents for money then she might as well work and get her own. She's a growing girl and she has needs. "How much do you have?"

"None. But I could go check in the house. Pretty sure daddy left me money for pizza or something."

Through the years, Lauren has learnt something very vital about Bo's parents; they don't care much about her. They love her, a lot, but they don't care about her. All Bo's dad cares about is his growing company and all Bo's mom cares about is looking pretty. Bo doesn't seem to care that they don't care. As long as she has Lauren and they give her money for whatever she wants, she's perfectly okay.

Lauren nods and calls for Salmon who's playing with Nicklaus The Hippy's grass. She warns Salmon not to run around and ruin things in Bo's house. Through the years, Bo's house has changed immensely. It now looks like less of a house and more of an uptown showroom. They don't even have Bo's parties in here anymore. Mostly the only parties hosted here are the ones Bo's father throws for his business partners, and those ones are eye droopingly boring so Lauren doesn't care much about them.

"Hello dear," Aife says from the stairs, startling Lauren a little.

Lauren smiles at her. It feels forced. She has never liked Aife. She doesn't not like her; she just doesn't feel the same affection for her that she feels for Bo's dad. She thinks it's because she doesn't understand Aife much. All she ever does is look pretty and make the house look pretty. Lauren just finds her extremely superficial. "Hi Mrs. D . You look really nice today." Lauren Lewis is nothing if not polite.

Aife beams and wipes off nonexistent lint off her dress. "Why, thank you dear. You um- you look nice as well."

Lauren scoffs. She's wearing Lucy's old shorts and a shirt that can't decide whether it's black or grey, her flip flops are dirty and old and her hair's misbehaving like it tends to do in summer. She looks nowhere near nice. "Thanks." She says anyway.

Aife smiles politely and looks around, "where's Ysabeu?"

"She's-"

"-here." Bo says walking into the room, then she grabs Lauren's hand. "And now she's leaving. Bye mom."

"Ysabeu, your father's having a company dinner tonight. You need to go get your hair done."

"Later." Bo shouts as she leads Lauren and Salmon out of the house.

"Ysabeu."

"Bye mom."

She shuts the door behind her and they run all the way to their bikes. Bo has a new bike, got it for her eleventh birthday, this one doesn't have a basket at the front because Bo says baskets are for babies, so Salmon doesn't get a free lift. But that's okay since he's quite fond of running beside them. They race all the way to town and Lauren gets a whole ten dollars worth of extra candy because she won. They go to the park, pushing their bikes instead of riding them because it's so damn hot.

"Do you feel like you're melting? Cause I feel like I'm melting." Bo says and Lauren laughs at her ridiculousness. She pushes her hair back from where it's stuck on her face and scowls when she sees who's walking towards them. "Crap." Bo mutters, voicing Lauren's exact thoughts.

"Oh look, if it isn't the Siamese twins."

"Fuck off, Kyle." Bo snaps. She's taken to cursing a lot nowadays. Lauren doesn't know where she learnt it from, but for some reason, it makes her sound older than she actually is. "Don't you have filthy beer to deliver or something?"

"Maybe to Lauren's dad." He looks directly at Lauren, knowing he's bound to get a rise out of her. It's no secret to anyone in town that Lauren's father has fallen way too in love with the bottle. He's made a fool of himself enough times for it to be public knowledge. And Kyle has taken to taunting Lauren with that piece of information every chance he gets. Lauren hates him so much. "How's your old man by the way? Pops says he hasn't seen him in days. Which is really bad for business. He single handedly keeps the bar afloat y'know."

"You can go fuck yourself with a spatula, Kyle Jones." Bo says, grabbing Lauren's hand and leading her in the opposite direction.

"I was just making conversation."

"Your toad face will be making conversation with my right fist if you don't leave us the fuck alone."

"I wasn't even talking to you."

"Yeah well, if you know what's good for you, you won't be talking to Lauren either. Go find the edge of a cliff and jump off it. "

"You're a bitch."

"And you're ugly. Guess we all have our burdens to bear."

He glares at Bo, gives Lauren one last smirk then walks away. Lauren feels like she hasn't been breathing right for the past five or so minutes. Like her lungs are too full and her mind is going too fast. She has absolutely no idea why Kyle Jones suddenly decided to start picking on her. She used to think one day it'll stop just like it begun, but it's been almost a year of him pushing her buttons and it doesn't seem like he'll stop anytime soon. In fact, he's just getting worse with each passing day. Usually she's okay at defending herself, her words are never quite as fast or as scathing as Bo's, but she has known Kyle Jones pretty much since the two of them were in diapers, she knows enough embarrassing things about him to hold her own in a verbal match against him. But today he talked about her father and she just clamped. It's something she doesn't know how to deal with –her father's drinking. At home they pretend like it's not happening and when she's alone she makes sure never to think of it. She just – she's not sure if she even knows how to deal with it.

Bo looks at her with pitying eyes and Lauren looks away, she doesn't like being pitied, it makes her feel small at pathetic. Even Salmon seems to know her mood has taken a turn for the worse, he quietly walks close to her, nudging her foot with his head sometimes, trying to cheer her up.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Sure?"

"Yeah." She looks straight ahead. She's won't cry. She won't let herself be that weak.

"I think you should tell someone, like an adult."

Lauren's neck snaps towards Bo's direction so fast she's afraid she might have cracked it. Her eyes are wide, looking at Bo with utter disbelief. "What? You can't be serious."

"I am." Bo says, her tone firm, "this is becoming really serious Lauren. He's no longer just teasing you. This is bullying."

"So you want me to become a snitch?"

"I want you to stand up for yourself. This shit is escalating and soon it might turn violent. If you don't tell someone, I will."

Lauren looks at the ribbons on her bike handles. They make her feel irrationally angry, like she's somewhat of a baby. A baby who can't even stand up to a stupid boy, a baby who needs her best friend to defend her. "Fine." She says finally. Her voice tight and upset even to her own ears. She grasps her handles so tightly her hands feel a little painful. "I'll tell an adult."

"Today." It's not a question. Bo Dennis is probably the most persistent person on Earth when she puts her mind to something. "Right now in fact, I'll even come with you."

Lauren wants to protest. But her voice feels stuck in her throat and she's afraid if she forces it out it'll come out as a sob. So she climbs onto her bike and starts cycling furiously, Bo and Salmon right behind her.

She really does mean to go home and tell Lucy everything, if only to get Bo off her back. But when she passes by the Valentina house, there's a girl about her age with the curliest hair Lauren has ever seen, carrying a box into the house. "Hey!" She calls, putting one foot on the ground to steady her bike, intentionally forgetting what she was headed home to do. "Hi." She waves when the girl looks at her, her eyes squinted. "I'm Lauren."

Bo's bike comes to a halt right beside Lauren's just as the curly haired girl is introducing herself. "Valerie. But everyone calls me Val."

Val is really pretty. She has curly hair and dark skin and the darkest shade of brown eyes Lauren has ever seen. They're practically almost black. Lauren smiles at her. "This is Bo, and that's Salmon. Everyone calls him Sally though."

Salmon wags his tail when Val pets him and Bo just nods indifferently when Val greets her. Lauren doesn't think much of it; Bo's always been wary of new people.

"Your dog's cute."

"Thanks. So- you moved into the Valentina house?" She asks more from the want to make conversation than the need to know.

"Yeah." Val looks back at the house like she's confirming it's still there, then she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and looks back at Lauren. "And I'm having a party soon."

" A party? Isn't that a little ambitious? You just moved here." Bo contributes to the conversation for the first time.

Val shrugs, " And a party the best way to meet new people. Plus it'll give me some much needed cred." Bo seems vaguely impressed. Lauren on the other hand, is completely in awe. She could never be brave enough as to do something like throw a party in a town where she knows no one. "So, can I count on you guys to come?"

"You're inviting us to your party?" Lauren and Bo have never been to any parties other than birthday parties and that one Christmas party that the Logans threw and invited everyone in the neighborhood because Mr. Logan wanted to publicly announce his bid to become mayor. Being invited to a party that's just a party makes Lauren feel so grown up.

"Of course I am. You're literally the only friends I have in this whole town. So, will you come? Party's on Friday."

Lauren wants to yell out yes and squeal. But Bo beats her to it with a cool, 'we'll see' which is worlds better than what Lauren's response would have been. Makes them seem less eager. More mature. Lauren's so glad Bo's her friend. She saves her from looking like a fool.

Val just smiles, nods and walks away, "oh," she turns around when she's almost at her door, "bring as many friends as you want to. The more the merrier."

.

.

Lauren is in the middle of a really good dream when Bo shakes her awake so hard she almost goes into shock. "What the hell is your problem?" She grumbles once she's more awake than asleep. Salmon is seated beside, a protective paw on her hip, his eyes glowering at Bo in the semi-darkness. Through the years, he's come to love Bo almost as much as he loves Lauren. But when it comes down to it, Lauren's his favourite human and she knows it. He'd rip off someone's head to protect her if he thought she was in danger. She lifts him into her arms and glares at Bo. "Why'd you wake me up? The sun hasn't even risen yet."

"Do you remember my cousin Elaine?" Bo asks, completely disregarding everything Lauren just said.

Lauren sighs and adjusts herself on the bed. She rubs Salmon's back to lure him back to sleep. "Vaguely. Why?"

"I called her last night."

"I'd really appreciate it if you got to the part where you explain why you're in my room before sunrise."

"Maybe if you'd shut up for five consecutive seconds-"

"Bo…"

"Fine. Anyway. You remember that she's been on a lot of dates, yeah?"

Of course Lauren remembers. It was quite the scandal in the Lewis household when she told her mom that Bo's twelve year old cousin was dating. She cannot for the life of her recall what point she was trying to prove by divulging that information to her mom, but she does remember that it did not go down well. "What does your cousin have to do with you waking me up at ridiculous o'clock?"

"Well, I called her for advice, 'cause some of her dates were at parties, and she told me we'll need hot clothes and make up. We don't have hot clothes, and we don't have make up."

"Then we'll buy some." Lauren says around a shrug. It seems pretty simple to her honestly.

"We could, but we don't know the difference between hot clothes and regular clothes. I mean, I don't. Do you?"

"Hot clothes are short? Lauren tries.

Bo rolls her eyes. "I have short clothes that are definitely not hot." She frowns a bit, seemingly thinking her words through, "or maybe they are. I don't know. The point is, we need help."

"We'll ask the lady at the store."

"No. Asking adults for help makes them think you're a baby. No. We need someone closer to our age."

Lauren finally sees exactly where Bo is going with this. Her shoulders sag and her voice becomes whiny, "no. Please no."

"She's our only hope, Lauren."

"But I hate asking her for help. She holds things over my head for forever."

"Do you want us to look like fools at our first ever grown up party."

"No." Lauren grumbles.

"Then you'll take this one for the team." Bo says with finality before kissing her temple. "I gotta go. My dad doesn't know I sneaked out and if he finds out he'll throw a fit. Goodnight."

"It's morning." Lauren says just to be difficult.

"Whatever." Bo shrugs, kisses Lauren's forehead one last time, then leaves.

.

.

Lucy's room stopped being pink the day she turned fifteen. Lauren remembers Lucy trying to pass down some of her ugly pink stuff to her, but Lauren wasn't having that, she's always been a green kinda girl anyway. Now, Lucy's room is a blend of black and red and some blue thrown around haphazardly. She has an entire wall dedicated to pictures of her and her friends and even a couple of Salmon. There's not a single photo of Lauren on there, not that she minds, Lucy's wall f photos is three different kinds of hideous.

She's frowning at a photo of Lucy and one of her hippy friends who wear beanies and scarves in summer when Lucy bangs the bedroom door closed and startles her.

"Why are you in my room spreading childish germs?"

Lauren rolls her eyes, "first, that made zero sense. Second, I'm eleven, hardly a child."

"What do want, Lauren? I have less than no time for your smart mouth."

"Well." She wrings her hands together. She hates Bo so much for making her do this, "I need a favour."

"No." Lucy says without even taking a second to think about it. Lauren resists the urge to roll her eyes. Sometimes she finds it hard to believe she and Lucy are related in any way.

"You didn't even hear what it is."

"Don't need to. I'm still not going to do it."

"I'll do your chores for a week."

"A month."

"That's exploitation."

"A month or no favour."

"Fine." She grumbles and drops herself on Lucy's bed as ungracefully as she possibly can. She hates doing dishes and now she'll have to do them for a whole damn month. She really is going to kill Bo.

"Well?" Lucy prompts impatiently.

Lauren sighs and lies on her side, "you know the family that just moved next door."

"No."

"Lucy!"

"What? I honestly don't know them."

"Whatever. Anyway. They have a daughter around my age and she's having a party tomorrow."

"Good for her?" It comes out as a question. Lucy's brow arched in confusion. Lauren groans and face palms, she really got all the brains in this family.

"Bo and I are invited."

"And you need my permission to go?"

"You're not my parent. I don't need your permission to do anything."

"Then what's the point of this whole conversation?"

"Well- we've never been to a party before. So. We- we kinda need help getting ready." Lucy's smile stretches from her lips to her eyes in a sort of sinister way that makes her look like one of the villains for one of Kyle's stupid black and white silent movies. Lauren scowls, she doesn't like that look. The last time Lucy directed that look at Lauren, Lauren ended up with blue hair for three days and Bo wouldn't stop laughing at her. "What's with the look?"

"What look?"

"That stupid joker like look you've got on your face. I swear to heaven Lucy if you come anywhere near my hair I will amputate you."

"Do you even know what amputate means?"

"I'm eleven, not stupid. And whatever it is that's going on through your head, you can forget it. I'm not doing it."

"Whatever." Lucy rolls her eyes and gets up from her bed, "tell me more about this party."

.

.

Somehow, Valerie gets Lauren's phone number and calls at around twelve on Friday, freaking out over how she doesn't have anything ready and the party's only hours away from starting. It takes Lauren about five minutes to figure out that in her own skewed way, Valerie's asking for her help.

"Do you- do you want us to come over and help?" She asks so that it seems like she's the one offering to help rather than Valerie asking for help. Lauren has always been good at figuring people out, and Valerie strikes her like a really proud person.

"Could you?"

"Yeah. 'Course we could. Let me just talk to Bo real fast then we'll be right over."

So in the end, Lucy doesn't even get to help Bo and Lauren with their makeup after all. But she does lend them some of her clothes that she rarely wears anymore and are party appropriate. And she also gives them a few pointers in the makeup department. Which ends up not even being useful because Valerie is the queen of makeup and she does Lauren's and Bo's makeup as a thank you for helping her prepare for her party.

It's a good party. Lauren doesn't mean to brag but she and Bo did hella good work with the decorations and Valerie's older brother, Hale, invites himself and some of his friends to the party and his friends bring their friends and their friends bring three bottles of tequila. So it really is a grown up party.

One of Hale's friends, Vex or something, suggests that they play a drinking game. Lauren's wary of that. Being at a party where alcohol is served is one thing. Being at a party where alcohol is served and having to drink said alcohol is another ball game all together.

"You okay?" Bo whispers into Lauren's ear as everyone finds somewhere to sit in the human circle, "'cause we can leave if you're not."

Lauren bites her bottom lip. She really wants to leave. But Bo seems like she's having so much fun and like she's excited for this game. And Lauren doesn't want to be that friend. Still though, there's alcohol to be drunk and she's so uncomfortable with that notion that she can feeling her skin getting clammy just from the thought of it.

"You don't have to come with." She says to be considerate.

Bo rolls her eyes like Lauren has just said the dumbest thing. "If you leave, then I leave. Okay?" She pats Lauren's knee comfortingly. Lauren smiles a little at her. Bo is just about the very best thing Lauren has ever wished for.

"Aww," a voice cuts through their moment; Lauren doesn't even have to look up to know that it's Kyle. She's way too familiar with his annoying voice. "Is the little baby feeling scared of a little alcohol?"

"Shut your fucking mouth Kyle. You're stinking up the whole place." Bo is quick to snap.

Kyle's eyes flash with something scary before they settle on Lauren. "One would think you'd jump at the first opportunity to be just like your old man. Such a disappointing daughter you are."

"I said shut up."

"You always going to let your little rabid dog fight all your battles?"

"What did you just call me?"

Lauren places a hand on Bo's thigh before things escalate even further. Everyone is looking at the three of them now and she feels embarrassment creep up her spine. She swallows hard and hopes her voice comes off as hard as she intends for it to. "I don't know what your problem with me is, but you need to let it go."

"Me? Have a problem with you?" Kyle asks like it's the most absurd thing he's ever heard. Like he doesn't go out of his way to make Lauren's life a living hell, "your father's an alcoholic and your mother shows her tits for a living. You're way beneath having a problem with."

It starts slow, the boiling like sensation at the pit of her stomach. Then it spreads to her veins and her lungs and her head and suddenly she can't breathe right and she can't see straight and it feels like if she doesn't fist her palms she's going to strangle something. She is pretty sure she has never felt anger like this in all her life. "You're a liar." She spits out and it echoes all through the room. Everybody's looking at her and Kyle like they're in a wrestling match. She wants to strangle them all. "You're a fucking liar."

"Am I?" Kyle seems and sounds defiant, but there's something that looks a lot like fear in his eyes. He knows he's gone too far this time. Still, he trudges on, determined not to lose, "because the pictures in my cousin's phone of your mom in a Tit-Bits uniform tell a different story."

"Lauren-" Bo pulls her hand, urging her to stand up so they can leave.

Lauren narrows her eyes at Kyle. "You and your cousin are both filthy fucking liars."

"Pictures don't lie."

"Shut the fuck up Kyle, god. Don't you ever get tired of speaking shit? Come on, Lauren, let's go. This party was a bust anyway. Val, next time you have a party, try not to invite trash. Lauren, let's go."

Lauren glares at Kyle for almost an entire minute, yanks her hand out of Bo' grasp and stomps all the way home and all the way to her room, ignoring Bo's calls for her to slow down.

.

.

She waits up 'til minutes past three in the morning. Bo tries knocking on her door for almost an hour, then when she finally clues in that Lauren needs space, she sends her around fifty texts, some of them are jokes, some of them are her asking Lauren to call her whenever; Lauren loves her more than she loves anything else on Earth.

Someone comes home at around one. Lauren doesn't bother going downstairs, judging from the singing and stumbling on random objects, it's her dad. She has perfected the art of staying the hell away from him when he's drunk so much so that she's got it down to a science.

When the door opens at half past three, she doesn't even bother waiting to confirm that it's her mom. She just rushes out of her room and down the stairs and catches her mom just as she's removing her coat, she frowns when she sees Lauren, her face morphing into a look of confusion. "Lauren, honey, what are you doing up at this time? You didn't have a nightmare, did you?"

"Where are you coming from?" Her voice is tight, measured; it sounds a lot like her mom's when she's talking to her dad.

"What? Lauren, what kind of question-"

"Kyle Jones says you work at Tit-Bits. Says you show people your tits for a living. It's not true, is it?"

"Laur-"

"Is it?" Her mom looks away, Lauren feels bile rise up her throat, she makes a pained face and takes a step back, the weight of what she just learnt overwhelming her. "Oh my god."

"Lauren."

"Don't talk to me." She snaps before stomping all the way up to the stairs and into her room. She literally throws herself on her bed and buries her face so hard into her pillow it's a little hard to breathe. Then she cries herself to sleep.

.

.

Lauren holes herself up in her room for five days, only leaving when she needs to use the bathroom. Salmon is of course on her side, but sometimes he forgets and leaves to go play with Lucy or eat- the traitor. Bo comes by on the first day to try and convince her to leave her room, but Lauren's not having it. So the next day Bo comes with supplies, or in other words, a disgusting amount of junk food. They make a tent of blankets in the middle of Lauren's room and pretend that they're camping in the woods. But on day three, Bo's dad comes for her. Apparently he has one of his fancy company dinners and Bo has to make an appearance. "I'll be with you in spirit, brave soldier." She whispers before she leaves. It makes Lauren laugh for the first time in days. Her mom tries to get her to come out on the fourth day but Lauren's not having it. She remains stoic, staring at her wall that needs a new paint job the whole time her mom's talking. Finally, the woman gives up and places a soft kiss on Lauren's temple, "I love you honey." Then she leaves. Lauren cries herself to sleep that night too.

On the fifth day, Lucy comes barging into her room, she looks pissed and Lauren honestly has no time for her. She's running low on supplies and for some reason, punishing her mom by holing herself up in her room is turning out to be more of a self-punishment than Lauren thought it would be. There's only so much a person can do inside their room for five whole days.

"What do you want, Lucy? I don't have time for your teenage drama." She lays on her side, staring at her wall, a small frown on her face; she really should get around to painting it. Maybe if she bribes her with enough candy Bo will agree to help her.

"Why are you being an ungrateful little brat?"

"Why are you in my room shouting at me?" She yells, sitting up and looking at Lucy with such a scalding look she can feel her eyes burn with it, "I'm not the one who flashes boobs at Tit-Bits for a living."

Lucy narrows her eyes so much they're practically just slits on her face now. The look on her face is terrible and more than a little scary. It makes Lauren's heart beat too fast from fear. Lucy has never looked at her like that. No one has ever looked at her like that. She half thinks Lucy's going to slap her. "You're the most ungrateful little twat to ever walk this planet." Lauren's eyes burn and blur. Something hard and suffocating settles on her throat. She balls her fists; no way on Earth is she going to let herself cry. She's the one who's been wronged. She has done nothing to feel apologetic over. "Mom serves drinks at Tit-Bits. And even if she didn't, what makes you think you have any right to judge her. She has bills to pay and your fucking mouth to feed and she's doing the best she can."

"She could have found a job anywhere else." Lauren whispers. She feels a lot less validated in her anger than she did before this conversation begun. She also feels more like a child than she has this entire week. Small and so completely out of her depth.

"No. She couldn't. I know you know dad has a problem. And I know you know it's earned us quite the reputation in town. People wouldn't hire her. And those who would were paying shit. Tit-Bits was literally the only option she had."

"I-"

"Fucked up. And you need to apologize. You wanted to be grown up, right? Well grownups admit when they've made mistakes. And you need to do better Lauren. "

That night, she leaves her room with her head hanging low. Her father is in one of his moods, the ones where he pretends he's the man Lauren used to know. He makes his famous 'anything in the fridge' pizza and sets the table. He and Lucy tell each other jokes while Lauren just plays with a stray string on the table cloth, feeling so completely disconnected from everything.

"You alright, kiddo?"

"'M'fine."

He looks at her like he's trying to catch her in a lie and she looks away. After a minute or so, he nods and ruffles her hair, then resumes his pizza making with Lucy.

Before, like, before it happened about ten times, Lauren used to get excited out of her mind whenever her father was one of these moods. Whenever his eyes got clear and his speech wasn't slurred, she would think 'this is it, he's back'. And she sit with him and talk about anything that came to mind and just be so happy. But then days later he'd come home smelling like spilt beer and laughing too loud with empty eyes and her heart would break. She fell for it about three times before she realized that she was being stupid. Now whenever he's in his 'sober moods' –as she likes to call them- she stays as unattached from him as she possibly can. It makes losing him all over again that much easier.

Her dad and Lucy set the table and keep up with their endless banter all through dinner. After dinner, he brings out ice cream that he bought that afternoon and they share a spoon while watching cartoons. Later, when everyone is tired and sleepy, Lauren offers to do the dishes.

"You sure? 'Cause I can do them myself, it's no problem."

"I'm sure." She gives him a small smile, "you and Lucy cooked, I should do my fair part."

He nods and smiles at her, kisses her forehead then leaves for his bedroom.

She does the dishes then sits at the kitchen table, texting with Bo about random things and trying to gather her courage. Her mother gets in at around two thirty, her bag hitched over her shoulder, eyes red and tired and walking like her feet ache. It hurts Lauren to look at her.

"Honey." Her eyes widen, surprised to see Lauren up so late. Surprised to see Lauren at all really, "what are-?"

"Daddy made pizza." Lauren whispers, swallowing because her throat suddenly feels dry before continuing, "would you like some?"

"Uh yes. Yes. That would be lovely. Thank you."

Lauren nods and quietly puts a plate with three slices of pizza in the microwave. "You want something to drink?" She asks more to make conversation than anything. She's not ready to look at her mother just yet.

"Water's fine."

"Kay." She nods and pulls a bottle of water from the fridge and places it in front of her mom. There's nothing left to do now, so she sits down reluctantly and wrings her fingers. She doesn't know where to starts, apologies have never really been her thing.

"You said your dad made this?" Her mom's voice cuts into the silence. Lauren looks up and nods. Her mom slimes kindly, "it's good."

"He was in a good mood today." Lauren looks at her fingers for a moment, arranging her words in her head, then she looks at her mom, "do you think it'll last this time?"

"Mhmm?"

"Daddy's mood. I mean, do you think this is it. That he's better now?" Her mom's pizza stills on its journey to her mouth. She sighs and places it back on her plate, looking at Lauren with something that looks too much like pity. Lauren rolls her eyes. "Forget I asked. It was a stupid question."

"Honey…people grieve in different ways. And, your grandpa was really important to your dad."

"It's been almost four years though," Lauren points out, her brows pinched in confusion. She doesn't mean to sound mean or anything, but it has been almost four years. "Isn't it time he moved on?"

"Grieving is a different process for everyone. He'll move on when he's ready to."

"And meanwhile you'll just keep working at Tit-Bits because no one else will hire a drunkard's wife."

"Lauren!" Her mom's yells, completely scandalized.

"Whatever. It's late. I should head to bed."

Mrs. Lewis sighs and pushes her plate aside. She palms her face and for a moment, Lauren thinks she's going to cry. But then she looks back up at Lauren, the kitchen light is shining right on her face, it makes her look soft and tired. So- so tired. Lauren doesn't even know how she moves around the table and throws her arms around her. Her mom gasps, caught by surprise, but she recovers quick enough and hugs her back. "I know you're trying mom." Lauren whispers, "I know you're doing the best you can. And I'm going to try and be my best self too. For you. Okay?"

Mrs. Lewis sniffs and hugs Lauren a little tighter, "I love you darling. I love you so much."

"Love you too, mom."

Summer is awkward after that. Lauren constantly feels like some sort of weight has been put on her shoulder. Like she has something to prove, she just doesn't know what exactly. Valerie invites her and Bo over one afternoon for girl time- which is just another word for an afternoon of her apologizing to Lauren for something that's hardly her fault. Lauren tells her she doesn't mind, what happened happened. It can't be changed. She still rides her bike to town with Bo and she still eats candy 'till she physically cannot anymore. They go to sleepovers at Valerie's and sometimes play tricks on Hale and his broody friend Dyson. On the outside, she looks just like any eleven year old girl. But on the inside, she knows she's not. Something changed this summer, something that made her grow up faster than she's supposed to.

Middle school comes with its own special brand of problems. First, there's the fact that ever since Val's party, some people have started whispering some really nasty things about her. Which makes it a little hard to make friends. Not that Lauren cares about making friends all that much. She has Bo and she has Salmon and surprisingly, she and Lucy have grown quite close in the past few months. So she's perfectly okay with not having friends. Except, sometimes she needs people to talk to. Bo has proven to be quite the social butterfly, blooming and attracting everyone with her large personality. And Lauren's happy for her. She really is. She just wishes she had someone to hang out with when Bo's hanging out with her other friends. It just gets lonely sometimes. She supposes she could hang out with Valerie, and she does sometimes, it's just not the same as hanging out with Bo.

All Valerie ever wants to do is read magazines, try on clothes and disturb Hale whenever Dyson's visiting. Lauren thinks Valerie might have a little crush on Dyson, but whenever she mentions it, Valerie's eye go wide and her lips become pursed and she doesn't talk to Lauren for days after. So Lauren makes it a point not to mention Valerie's crush on Dyson.

Days when she gets to just hang out with Bo are the best, even if it's just to do homework.

"What did you get for number…" her shoulders drop and she throws a pillow at Bo, "you're still on that contraption?"

"It's a phone." Bo says indignantly, throwing the pillow back at Lauren who ducks and laughs. "And I'm not still on it, I was just answering a text."

"Ooh, a text. From whom, do tell."

"Why are you speaking like some tenth century snob?" Bo chuckles out, picking her pen up and pretending to concentrate on her book.

"Don't be an evasive jerk. Who were you texting? Tell me."

"Dyson."

Lauren frowns, "Val's Dyson?"

"He's Val's?"

"He's old."

"He's thirteen, Lauren. Hardly a grandpa. And what did you mean by Val's Dyson?"

"Val kinda has a crush on him. Well, she denies it to the pits of hell but it's pretty obvious."

"Oh."

"What? Do you like him?" She teases.

Bo makes a face and kicks her leg, "no. I just find it odd that Val does. He's her brother's best friend, pretty sure there's a rule against liking your brother's best friend."

Lauren shrugs. She has a lot to think about and rules concerning liking teenage boys is not one of them. Her dad's drinking problem is becoming worse by the day she she's pretty certain she hasn't seen her mom once this entire week. She tried waiting for her once, but she ended up falling asleep and found herself in her own bed the next day. Honestly, boys are the furthest things from her mind right now.

"Speaking of," Bo cuts through her thoughts and Lauren blinks lazily at her to bring her mind back to the present, "have you decided who you're gonna go to the dance with?" Lauren groans and covers her face with a pillow. Bo laughs. "Come on, it's going to be fun. I think you should ask Mark. He seems to like you."

"School dances are never fun. And Mark doesn't like me, he like studying with me."

Bo rolls her eyes like Lauren's being completely oblivious. But Bo's the oblivious one. There's nothing going on between Lauren and Mark. They just study together. Yeah, he's cute and nice and has offered to punch Kyle on Lauren's behalf more than once. But that doesn't mean Lauren wants to date him.

"Whatever. So- there's no one?" Bo asks, Lauren shakes her head. There's really not. "Well, do you want to go together?"

Lauren's brows arch almost on their own volition. "You mean together like, the two of us?"

"Yeah."

"But we're supposed to ask boys." Lauren points out. She doesn't know why she's getting defensive over this. Why Bo suggesting that they go to the dance together makes something heavy and uncomfortable settle at the pit of her stomach. She and Bo have done everything together since they were seven. This shouldn't be any different. But for some reason, it feels like it is.

"Yeah, but boys are gross." Bo sits up, looking at Lauren with earnest eyes. Her words fall off her tongue so easily and Lauren just doesn't understand how she's so okay, suggesting something of this manner. "Besides, you're the only person I like dancing with. No one else can keep up."

"I don't know, Bo. The rules clearly say a girl has to ask a boy to the dance."

"Fuck the rules. Come on Lo, it's gonna be fun. We can do our spice girls routine and floor the whole class."

"Our spice girls routine is shit. We created it when we were like seven."

Bo narrows her eyes and leans on the bed, she tries looking at Lauren sternly but a smile is playing on her lips, "look here now. What we will not do, on this day of the lord, is slander our amazing spice girl routine. I will not stand for it."

Lauren snorts and turns back to her assignments. A full minute doesn't even pass before Bo is on her, tickling her so hard Lauren can't breathe. "Get off me you oaf." She tries saying around a laugh, but Bo is relentless.

"Say you'll go to the dance with me."

"No."

"Then I won't stop 'till you pee yourself."

"Fine. I'll go to the dance with you." Bo stops immediately. Lauren's ribs hurt and the back of her head hurts and she has tears in her eyes. "I hate you." She whispers, her breath coming out in pants.

Bo shrugs and moves back to her books, "hate me all you want, as long as you go to the dance with me."

.

.

The dance is a success. Lucy accepts to help them get ready without putting up much of a fuss. She doesn't even bribe Lauren, which is a first to be honest. Lauren's mother drives them there because it's on her way and she's on her way to work anyway. People look at them a little strangely at the beginning, but then Bo pulls Lauren to the middle of the gym –that's acting as a dance hall- and proceeds to start dancing their silly spice girls routine. Of course Lauren can't let her look silly alone, so she joins in. And it's arms flailing and hair going every which way and heads thrown back in laughter and before they know it, everyone else has joined in.

They drink too much punch after they're done dancing and when Lucy comes to pick them up, they convince her to drive them to Mae for chocolate chip pancakes. All in all, it's one of the best nights Lauren has had in a long time.

It becomes a tradition, going to the dance together. People stop questioning it and boys stop asking either of them to dances, it's like some sort of unwritten rule that they'll always just go together. Lauren wouldn't have it any other way.

The summer before she turns thirteen feels like the beginning of an end. She and Bo ride their bikes less and hang out with other people more. They go out for sleepovers at Valerie who invites Tamsin who comes with some of her friends. They usually talk about boys and kissing and Lauren didn't know it was possible to ever feel so out of place.

One of Tamsin's friends, Stacey, who speaks more from her nose than the mouth and is the only one in the group with boobs so she seems to think that somehow makes her better than the other girls, brings a cigarette to a sleep over one night. It's already half smoked and it looks like the cheap kind that Lenny smokes sometimes. They lock Val's door so that the boy's don't walk in on them and open all the windows and switch on the fan. Lauren thinks they're going through a lot of trouble for a stick of Lung Cancer, but she doesn't say anything. She watches quietly as the stick goes around, each girl taking a puff and passing it on. Her hand trembles slightly when it's her turn.

"You have to do it." Tamsin whispers, it sounds like a threat. "Everyone else has done it. Don't be a wimp."

"Don't talk to her like that." Bo snaps. If she doesn't want to do it then she won't."

Lauren places her hand on Bo's knee to calm her down, "it's okay. I'll do it." She takes a small puff and holds it in a little, making sure it goes nowhere near her lungs then she lets it out. "Happy now?" She raises a defiant eyebrow at Tamsin. Tamsin rolls her eyes.

It becomes a routine, sharing a cigarette when they go for the sleepovers. Once, Valerie sneaks up a bottle of her father's scotch and they each take a turn taking a swig of it. But it burns when it goes down the throat and it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and Lauren's glad when they all agree to never try it again because it makes Valerie and Stacey vomit something awful.

Sometimes she and Bo decline the sleepover invites and just stay at Lauren's and play with Salmon or mess around with Lucy's make up. Those are Lauren's favourite days. They feel more like normal than anything else does. But those days are few and far between and as much as she hates to admit it, she knows that a part of her childhood has ended and there's no way of getting it back.

Lucy leaves Edwardsville three day after Lauren turns thirteen. She and Lauren drive to the store for boxes and Lauren spends the whole night helping her sort out her stuff. Lucy gives Lauren some of her hippie stuff and even takes one of Lauren and Bo's photos to hang in her dorm room.

"I'm gonna miss you, big head."

"My head is perfectly sized, thank you very much." Lauren retorts, scratching behind Salmon's ear. He's grown so big now. And lazy too. Only wants to be cuddled and to eat and sleep. "I still don't get why you have to move all the way across the country. Chester has perfectly good schools."

"Chester is an hour away from here."

"That's the point."

"No, the point is going far away. Somewhere no one even remotely knows me. The point is getting a fresh start."

"Fresh starts are overrated." Lauren say petulantly and sits up. She picks Lucy's snow globe and shakes it a little, watching as the fake snow swirls around. "Christmas is going to be so weird without you around."

"You'll be fine."

"I know I'll be fine. I mean, all the money that mom would've wasted on your present will go to buying me a present so of course I'll be fine. Doesn't mean it still won't be weird."

Lucy snorts and sits beside Lauren on the bed. She ruffles Lauren's hair a bit and Lauren smacks her hand away. She doesn't even know how the two of them got to be so close again. "I'll call you."

"Please don't." She groans and makes a face, "your phone voice gives me the creeps."

"Why you little-" Lucy tackles her to the mattress and Lauren laughs, trying to pull away and yelling at Salmon, who's just looking at them lazily, to rescue her. Finally, Lucy calms down a bit and look down at Lauren fondly. "You'll take care of yourself, right?"

"Haven't I always?" Lauren retorts, fixing her shirt a little.

Lucy rolls her eyes. "I'm serious. I know- I know things aren't exactly smooth sailing around here but you've always been so good at taking care of yourself. You and Bo. You're great at taking care of each other. Don't lose that, okay?" Lauren nods. She bites her lip, hoping to distract herself from her burning eyes. Lucy smiles at her softly. "Come on big head. It's time to start making dinner."

Dinner that night is loud and happy. Lauren's mom leaves work early in order to be present and her dad drinks the bare minimum in order to be present too. Lauren and Bo talk over each other all through dinner and Lucy makes a chocolate cake that's half cooked but everyone still eats it anyway.

They wake up at around four the next morning in order to drive her to the bus station. The ride is quiet. Lucy's on her phone, Bo's sleeping on Lauren's shoulder and Lauren's looking out the window, wondering how she's going to deal with this new life arrangement now. Lucy might have been annoying, but at least she was there. Now Lauren will have to deal with life at home all by herself and the concept is scary as hell.

"Remember what I said, okay?" Lucy whispers as they're hugging goodbye.

Lauren sniffles. "Okay."

Lucy presses a kiss into her hair and Lauren can't hold back the tears no matter how hard she tries.

"Take care of her." Lucy says to Bo, hugging her too.

"I always do."

Lucy chuckles and hugs Bo tighter. "I'll miss you, Lauren's annoying shadow."

"Hey. I have a name y'know."

Lucy laughs and kisses them both. Then Lauren's mom tells them to wait in the car as she says goodbye to Lucy. Lauren sits quietly, her legs tight together and her hands on her lap. It's actually finally hitting her that Lucy's leaving. That she'll be alone in the house on the nights when her father is so loud it's scary. She'll have no one to run to when he's angry and breaking things. No one will be there to tell her that everything will be okay when her father and mother start shouting at each other in the dead of the night. She bites her lip so hard she can taste blood.

"Hey." Bo lace their fingers together on Lauren's lap and uses her peers into Lauren's eyes with brown sincere eyes. She just makes Lauren feel like crying that much more. "Hey. Everything's going to be okay. I'm right here. Everything's going to be fine." She kisses the back of Lauren's palm and her cheeks and her forehead. Her lips are soft and warm and she smells like coconut body wash and a little bit of sleep. Lauren wishes so badly that she could believe her. Life would be so much easier if she just could. But she can't. Because no matter what Bo says, everything's not going to be alright.

Everything has changed now. Everything's different.

End of part 1.