First Time Since 1944

Author's notes :

Hi everyone! This is my first story here, well... anywhere, really, and in English, too. Also, I usually read "Steve comforts Bucky" stories, but I guess my head wasn't at the same place when I wrote this, so…

Little notes about the story: it doesn't really go into details, but that's the way I wanted it, and Bucky remembers things from his past from 1944, but not a lot from his time as the Winter Soldier.

Hope you enjoy reading, even if it's kinda short…

To everybody else, Steve Rogers looked calm; actually, he almost seemed too calm. But Bucky Barnes wasn't fooled: Steve was nervous.

Sam, Natasha, Steve and Bucky were all preparing themselves for a new mission that would take them in the mountains, much like the ones where Bucky had "died" back in 1944; they had found one of HYDRA's base that was still very operational.

While Sam and Natasha were still preparing themselves in the other room of the warehouse they were in, Steve was sitting at a table, a map in front of him, looking like he was concentrating on memorizing everything.

Bucky knew better. He walked all the way to his friend, took the chair that was next to him and sat down, the back of the chair in front of him, oriented toward Steve.

Cap didn't move; he actually didn't even seem to have noticed him, which was kind of worrying in itself.

"Hey," Bucky murmured, his eyes fixed on his friend. "You've been looking at this map for the last hour. I'm pretty sure you had every little details in your head five minutes after you looked at it. What's up?"

Steve didn't answer. He didn't even react to his long-lost friend's presence; it was like he was caught up in an entirely different world. He kept his eyes on the map, both hands on the table in front of him.

Bucky waited for a few minutes, knowing Steve could be a really stubborn punk when he wanted to be. He soon realized there would be no answer. He sighed and tried a more brutal approach.

"First time on a train since 1944, huh?"

It was like time had stopped for a second. There was a loud silence and no one was making a move. Then he saw Steve's hands shaking slightly; it was only for a fraction of second, but it was still noticeable to Bucky's eyes. He also heard Steve swallowing and taking a small gulp of air, like it was the most difficult thing in the world to do. It reminded Bucky of a time when Steve couldn't even breathe sometimes, when the cold outside would start up one of his asthma attack.

He almost regretted what he'd just said to him.

It's not like this mission they we're going on was easy for him either; after all, he was the one who had actually fell from that train in '44 and had to endure, well… that was something he preferred not to really think about. It still gave him violent nightmares sometimes. But he had a feeling he had been at least on another train since then – not that he remembered very much about that time of his life – and he wasn't the one who had to watch his best friend going to his – supposed – death.

Bucky kept his eyes on Steve while he thought about what he was going to say to him. He wasn't the most thoughtful person who ever lived; he still had trouble communicating with words since he had gotten out of HYDRA's clutches. All talking ever did to him was getting him hurt. But looking at Steve right now… that hurt on an entirely new level.

Steve wasn't Captain America right now; he was this little kid from Brooklyn who, despite having all this courage and this strength inside, was also human and could then be vulnerable. All Bucky wanted to do in that moment was put an arm around his shoulders like the old times.

Except he wasn't entirely ready to do that just yet. During all those years with HYDRA, touching, just like talking, meant being hurt. Even if he knew Steve would never do what Bucky's handlers had done to him, the part of him that still identified to the Winter Soldier couldn't forget everything that had happened before.

Bucky sighed again, confused on how to react; he wanted to comfort his friend, but didn't know how. He put his chin on the top of the chair and watched Steve, who was now moving his fingers along the map, trying to hide the fact that they had begun shaking again slightly.

Finally, Bucky opened his mouth and said, slowly and softly :

"It wasn't your fault, you know, what happened back then? I mean, I was ready to follow you anywhere, even on that damn train; it was my choice. And everything that happened during that mission… it just wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known what was going to happen. You tried to help me; I remember that much. I remember you coming on the side of the train to take my hand and haul me back up inside. I'm pretty sure you almost fell down yourself."

There was a long pause, silence continuing to surround them.

"Hell, I could have died from a bomb or in Zola's lab before you got to me. So whatever happens in the next few hours, don't let it get to you just because of a freaking train, alright? I'm still here, same as you. And I'm pretty sure even if I did fell off that train we're going onto, I probably wouldn't even have a scratch. I mean, that thing can come in handy sometimes."

He lifted his left arm while saying that. That last sentence had meant to be taken with humor; obviously, it hadn't worked.

Steve's upper body was now hunched toward the table, his fingers gripping the map so hard he had begun to tear it apart a little. Bucky sighed – how many times had he done that in the last 15 minutes? –, putting his metallic hand on the top of the chair while he got up.

He didn't know what to say anymore; he feared he had just made things worse for Steve. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his right hand and put it on his friend's shoulder hesitantly, a little uncomfortable with the touching part of the act, but he was also determined to, at least, offer some comfort.

"All I'm saying is I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself."

Steve still hadn't said anything, but Bucky felt his shoulder tremble under his hand, so he gave it a little squeeze before removing his hand and leaving Steve alone, shutting the door behind him.

He just wished he hadn't made it worst by screwing it all up…

After Bucky had left, Steve just sat there for a few more minutes, not being able to move. His eyes were still fixed on the map in front of him. He watched as tears dropped onto the paper, making his gaze look fuzzy. He hadn't realized he had been crying.

He suddenly dropped his head in his hands and just let it out quietly for a while, at the same time willing himself to calm down and stop shaking. When he thought he could finally move without being assaulted by another crying fit, he wiped the tears from his face and stood up.

Bucky was right; he couldn't control everything that would happen, and since he had been given that serum and became Captain America, he had kind of forgotten that. But if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that he would never take his friends for granted – especially Bucky – and that he would do anything to protect them.

With that in mind, he took the map and put it in the trashcan next to the table before putting fire to it with a match. Once the entire map was destroyed, he put out the fire and went to open the door that separated him from the others. There, he found Natasha, Sam and Bucky, ready to jump on the train that would soon arrive and take them to the location they needed to be. He walked to his friends and, passing right by them, he said :

"Let's go; we have a job to do."

If Bucky seemed to be sitting a lot more closer to Steve in the train than he had been since his friend had rescued him, pressing his shoulder slightly against his, Natasha and Sam didn't say anything. They just looked at each other with a knowing look, and shrugged.

This was going to be a hell of a ride.