Born To Die

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Shout out to Fran for being the best Beta reader ever. :)

My relationship with Edward continued in this fashion for the next six weeks: meeting up before lectures for coffee, grabbing lunch after, sneaking away to Edward's apartment after lab and staying in bed for hours. Half of the time, we would fall asleep afterward and I would end up staying the night at his place. It had gotten to the point that I slept in his bed more than I slept in my own and, perhaps foolishly, I was hoping that it would go on like this indefinitely. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop, to have a realization of some fatal flaw in Edward's character. I had concocted all of these theories in my mind; he was just interested in sleeping with me, he would get sick of having me around after hooking up a few times. The list went on and on. But the more time I spent with my lab partner turned love interest, the more I began to see that Edward really was a great guy. He cared about me and I cared about him.

However, I wasn't exactly sure what those feelings meant.

Edward never mentioned the word girlfriend, not that I did either. We just sort of were. There was some kind of unspoken agreement between us. Neither one of us wanted to see other people, at least, not that either one of us had communicated.

On Sunday morning, I found myself at home, making eggs and toast for breakfast and chugging down a few cups of coffee before printing out my agenda for Monday. I had thought I was alone. To my dismay, Renee came shuffling in around ten o'clock, wrapped up in her fluffy blue bathrobe and mismatched socks. Her lipstick was smeared. She had been rocking this look since the night before and it made me wonder if she was seeing someone new. I hoped I wouldn't have to meet whomever it was she was fucking around with this time

"Morning," I mumbled, feeling as though I needed to say something.

As usual, my mother mixed herself a screwdriver (hold the orange juice). She took the seat across from me, her eyes fixed on mm in that pensive way she had. It was coming; she was going to say something awful.

I could feel it.

"Where have you been lately?" she questioned, her expression straight. Her voice was hard and raspy. I wondered how much longer she could live this way.

"Around."

"That's pretty vague."

"I meant it to be."

We were in a standoff and I intended to win.

"Who's the lucky man whose bed you've been warming? Or is there more than one?" Her eyebrows shot so high I thought they might disappear into her hairline. Suddenly, I needed a screwdriver.

"Can we not do this?" I wasn't at all in the mood. I just had to make it through today and then I could go back to where I was happy: anywhere in the world except here.

"I'd just like to know what my daughter is doing with her life. Is that a crime? That's what mothers do."

Huffing a deep sigh, I decided it was easier to give her what she wanted than to spend the next thirty minutes avoiding the question. "Fine, if you wanted to know if I'm getting any, I am, okay? I'm getting plenty so just don't worry about it."

"More than one guy? Or is there someone special?"

The tone of her voice when she said the word 'special' made me roll my eyes. "Does it make a difference?"

Renee had never cared if I was happy or not. I'd never told her about boys I liked or my childhood wedding fantasies. She always told me my anxiety was due to my supposed prudery and that I should get out there and test the waters. She didn't deserve to know anything about Edward or how I felt about him.

"I get it. You don't want to tell me you're some frat boy's whore. That's fine. I don't need you to."

I sighed. There was no winning with Renee. I was always wrong. I was either too thin or too curvy, too quiet or too outspoken, too virginal or too promiscuous. None of it mattered. She was bitterly dissatisfied with life and she needed to take her anger out on someone. I had been my mother's punching bag for years.

"I'm gonna go."

I stood up and collected my bag from the corner, making a beeline for the front door. I did not intend to stick around to hear the rest of what she had to say. But today just wasn't my day. Renee flung her chair backward, knocking it to the ground and stomping after me.

"Don't you walk away from me, Isabella! I'm not finished!"

I had reached my limit. "Yes, you are!"

"Do you want to end up like me, Bella? Do you want to literally be fucked? That's what happens, Bella. They leave! They all leave! And whatever quasi-knigh-in –shining-armor-man-child you think likes you so much...guess what, kiddo? He's gonna get sick of you and move on, too!"

I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing evenly.

"I don't have to listen to this." I hummed, shaking my head.

"We are just alike, Bella. I know what you're thinking. You like the attention. He...they...whoever...they make you feel sexy, but it isn't real, hon. Men get bored. I mean, look at you..."

Opening my eyes, I met her gaze. The glass in her hand was empty and her eyeballs were practically floating. I wasn't having a conversation with my mother; I was having an argument with Jim Bean.

"What's that supposed to me?"

"When I was young, I was...you're just so plain, Bella."

I nodded stiffly.

"Goodbye, Renee."

I walked out and never looked back.

Midterms were coming up soon and Edward and I, along with the occasional appearance from Alice or Rose or one of the boys from his complex, spent most of our time in the library. Today, however, it was just us.

"What'd you get for number twelve? How many questions are there on this practice exam again?" I complained, dropping my forehead to the cool, hard surface of my open textbook pages.

I hated biology.

"Um...it's gel electrophoresis." Edward murmured, flipping through his notes absentmindedly. Like just about everything else in life, biology came naturally to Edward.

"Oh, my God, I'm never gonna get the hang of this stuff. I think my brain is melting."

Edward nudged my hand, causing me to look up at him. "Hey. Yes, you will. You just aren't focusing. You have to read the material to understand it, Bella."

This was very true, but I felt distracted.

"I can't stand this building anymore. The white walls are making me nauseous. Can't we go to your place?" My headache was making me whiney.

"I told you, Bella. I promised Emmett he could use it for the evening."

"What, does he have a hot date or something?"

He quirked a brow at me and I scrunched up my face.

"Ugh. Please tell me you plan on cleaning the sheets before you have me back there."

Edward laughed, his smile is almost blinding. "Sure. Of course. I wouldn't dream of taking you in sheets contaminated with Emmett's cooties."

"Thank you."

We were quiet for a moment as I struggled to answer the next question on my study guide. I was getting nowhere. The truth was, I didn't want to be there and wasn't going to get anything accomplished.

"Bella."

"Yeah?"

"Why don't we go to your place?"

His suggestion stopped me dead in my tracks. Panic set in. There was no way I was taking Edward back to my apartment. I shook my head emphatically. "No. That's not a good idea. Trust me."

Edward sighed, his eyes never leaving mine. "Why not?"

"It's just...it's not a good idea, okay?"

"Bella...why don't you want me to meet your family…Are you ashamed of us or something? I don't get it. You live close by and you've never once even suggested I come by your place."

"I don't live close," I argued.

Edward tilted his head to the side, his eyes serious.

"I just...my mom is...unique." I laughed bitterly, remembering the last time we had spoken. I hadn't said a word to her all week, though I hadn't had much of an opportunity. I hadn't been home much and when I was, Renee was either gone or locked up in her bedroom.

"So? She raised you. She can't be that bad."

"She can." I insisted.

"Come on, we don't have to have some big family reunion. Just pretend we're back in high school and sneak me into your bedroom. I promise you won't regret it."

Edward's lips ran gingerly over my jaw, making me shiver. When he sucked my earlobe into his mouth, his tongue running over the skin behind my ear, I lost my train of thought. He struck me deaf and dumb. I couldn't help it.

"No..." I hummed, a last ditch effort to convince him to stop pushing the idea. But the thought of him in my bed, of all the things we could do together, the ways he would touch me in the privacy of my own room...I could feel myself getting wet. My hormones were getting the best of me. I wanted him so badly it was painful.

"I want you tonight," he whispered.

That was it.

When we pulled apart, I noticed people staring but I couldn't bring myself to care. How was I expected to worry about what they thought when Edward was talking to me this way, touching me this way? How was I supposed to drive an entire thirty minutes into the suburbs? The anticipation was too much. What Edward and I had between us was very physical. I couldn't say no to him and I didn't want to.

I tried to rationalize his crackpot plan by telling myself that Renee would never notice. She never noticed anything.

"Ugh! Fine. But you have to promise you'll hide in the closet if she comes out of her room. Trust me; it's in the best interest of everyone involved."

Edward rolled his eyes, kissing the tip of my nose as he rose from his chair. He grabbed his leather jacket and shrugged into it, ready to go. "You worry too much."

"You're not wrong," I admitted, pulling my own jacket tight around my body and zipping up the front, smiling tightly at Edward before flinging my bag over my shoulder and heading for the elevators.

Suddenly, he spun me around and cupped my face between his hands. I was surprised, to say the least, and it must have shown on my face because he chuckled quietly to himself before speaking. "Don't worry, Bella. Everything's good. Great."

I felt dizzy.

"Yeah. Great."

It was the longest ride of my life. We drove, hand in hand, the entire time. Edward asked me about where I grew up, where I'd gone to school, and what other schools I had applied to. I told him how I'd lived in Indy my whole life. I'd gone to public school, of course, while Edward's parents had sent him to private Catholic school in order to keep him away from the 'riffraff.' They'd been planning his future since before he was born, unlike Renee. After high school, I hadn't had many options. My SAT scores were high but my budget was very limited and a local state school was the best choice. I could live at home and eliminate the issue of paying rent. Edward had applied to many different places. He was from the area but hadn't been sure if he wanted to stay. Michigan State had been his first choice, but his father had pushed Edward to attend his Alma Mater, Purdue. When Edward got wait-listed, it was decided that IUPUI would suffice.

When we pulled into the parking lot of my complex, the conversation turned to how I had felt about growing up in the suburbs.

"Uh...it's okay. It's a beautiful area. I like it here though we never actually could afford it. Renee is barely hanging on to this place."

Edward nodded solemnly before a small smile crept onto his face. "Tell me what you were like as a kid."

That was a hard question to answer. "Um...I don't know. I was...very independent. My grandma used to say I was an old soul. I really liked reading and drawing, but you already knew that. And music. I've always loved music."

"Disco?" Edward teased and I shoved him in the arm.

"If you must know, it's 70s rock, not disco...and my dad, Charlie, had a thing for Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Supertramp, The Cars...stuff like that. He had a lot of records and CDs. I listened to them all the time when I was little. I grew up with it and I love it. It reminds me of my dad."

"Your dad sounds like he was a cool guy," Edward said, probably trying to make me feel better.

"I don't know. I was really young...I don't remember a lot. It's been just Bree, Renee and me...forever."

Edward nodded and leaned towards me, closing the distance between us in one swift motion. When his lips met mine, they were tender and comforting. He meant it to feel that way. He wanted me to know that he cared, that what I had told him had meant something to him. Edward knew it was hard for me to talk about my family or, worse, my feelings.

We pulled apart, breathing heavily.

"You wanna go in?" I asked. It was dark now and I was sure that Renee had already drunk herself into a stupor by this time. It was Friday, which meant Bree, was almost definitely at a friend's house. No one would see us going in.

He nodded eagerly, his forehead still pressed against mine.

We walked in silence; I unlocked the front door, quickly shut it and locked it once again behind us. There was not a single sound to be heard aside from Renee's heavy breathing and the occasional snore. I smiled to myself, spinning to face Edward.

"Welcome to my humble abode," I whispered, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively as I led him into the sitting room and down the hall to my bedroom. The door fell open with a barely audible creak and the two of us slipped inside.

It was pitch black, but I could feel Edward at my back, his hands gripping at the soft flesh at my sides, crawling slowly upwards and under my shirt to my breast. I sighed, feeling content as he pressed my knees against the edge of the bed, his lips teasing the skin at the nape of my neck.

"Thank you for bringing me here, Bella."

"Huh." I snorted. "You're welcome, I guess."

"Turn the lights on." he requested his voice hush.

I craned my neck around to try to meet his eyes, but he was having none of it. He held me securely in place, his fingers pinching my nipples firmly.

I groaned.

"Why?" I asked ever the stubborn one.

"I wanna see your room."

He said this as though it was the most obvious thing in the world and it confused me. What did my bedroom decor have to do with anything that was happening at the moment? How could he think of something so trivial at a time like this? Nonetheless, I flipped the light switch on the wall to my left and the room was illuminated in soft light. When I was fifteen, I had spray painted the glass covering on the overhead light dark blue. While it had gotten me into a lot of trouble with both Renee and the landlord (resulting in a forty dollar debt), I liked it better this way.

Edward let his hands drift lower as he looked around. I could feel him glancing from side to side, carefully examining all of the little sketches, which were taped to the walls. He took in the books piled in the corners, the collection of old rock albums, which I had taken the time to alphabetize, in true Edward fashion. There wasn't much that he missed. He was good that way, and I suppose, had he not been so observant, we probably never would have met.

"This is nice," he told me and I thanked him. "I think I imagined it this way. It's very you."

"How so?"

His hands dipped below the waistband of my leggings and I whimpered, still waiting for his response.

"None of it makes any sense. It's all...random little pieces of beautiful things."

I felt the atmosphere between us shift, and suddenly, this was not foreplay. This was something else entirely. It felt intimate in a way that I had never experienced before, in a way that we had never been before. "Not everything in this room is beautiful," I argued though I wasn't really sure that we were talking about the room anymore.

When Edward turned me to face him, his big green eyes were serious and penetrating. I almost stopped breathing. The way he looked at me made my stomach do flips, but not in a bad way. I liked the way my body responded to this side of him, the seemingly unspoken implications behind his words and actions. "You're beautiful, Bella...everywhere."

I swallowed hard and let him push me backwards onto the mattress. I fell back easily into the coolness of the un-slept-in sheets, feeling myself preparing for him before he'd even had a chance to unbuckle his belt. He made quick work of my clothing and I watched with satisfaction as Edward removed his t-shirt and jeans before knealing between my legs, his eyes boring into mine. When he pushed into me, he never broke that contact once, though he thrust roughly in and out, making me cry out in soft, broken whispers. His hand came up to cover my mouth as he drove into me harder. I could feel tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. I clutched hungrily at his back, never quite close enough.

I thought I would explode. I was so, so close. However, something made Edward stop, still completely sheathed inside me.

He looked at me with an intensity that almost frightened me, his lips quivering a little along with his hands. He touched my face, pushing impossibly closer to me. We were so close.

He took my breath away.

"Bella..." he murmured, his voice much rawer than I had expected.

"Yeah?"

I waited.

And waited.

What?

Bella, what?

"Bella...I think...no, I'm sure…that I'm in love with you."