I already posted this over at AO3, but I decided to swing it over here as well. For those of you following Life's Curse, Death's Gift, I'm still working on it! But I've been on a Star Trek kick lately, and I couldn't get this out of my head until I wrote it down. These were relatively easy to write compared to the thought that goes into LCDG, hence why I decided to get these out of my system. There's a sequel already written for this, but I'll hold off on posting it for a couple days.

1: Bourbon and Glue

It was a well known fact that the Captain of the USS Enterprise was a child at heart. While he knew when to buckle down and take his duties seriously, he also knew when it was time to add a little spice to the inevitably monotonous lifestyle standard to a starship crew. So it came to the surprise of no one when the captain initiated a ship-wide prank war.

Kirk had the forethought to lay down some ground rules before the week of chaos began, such as:

1. Anything that would be embarrassing or otherwise in front of the Admirality or ship guests is off limits ("Let's keep this in-house, people.")

2. Anything that would cause permanent/extensive harm to a person is off limits (the rule of thumb was if the target would need to spend more than 30 minutes in the Sickbay, don't do it);

3. Anything that damages the ship is off limits;

4. Check the Captain's goddamned allergy list before throwing a key lime pie in his face.

The last rule had been later added by McCoy when Kirk appeared in the Sickbay with pie and angry red blotches on his face and subsequently went into anaphylactic shock.

Kirk had, of course, begun the festivities by hacking the ship's computer to add pet names to the end of everything it said. Uhura had to leave the bridge to control her giggling when Spock's ears tinged green at the computer's "Atmospheric conditions are within safe ranges, baby pop."

While the entire crew got into the spirit of things, the senior officers of the Enterprise had a certain bone to pick with their captain. Kirk had already gotten each of them at least once, and it was time for some pay back.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it was McCoy who started said revenge.

Kirk had been expecting retaliation from McCoy, but he never thought it would come so soon. The day before, Kirk had switched out all of McCoy's prized bourbon with replicated apple juice, and McCoy had noticed the difference immediately (if his shouting "I'M GONNA KILL YOU, JIM!" from his quarters was any indication).

He almost wished he had killed him over this. Almost.

He stomped into the Sickbay, face set in as stern of a scowl as he could manage. When Nurse Chapel noticed him and promptly snorted, he knew he had failed.

"Where is he?" he snapped.

"Need a hand, Captain?" Nurse Chapel grinned, not faltering when Kirk growled in response.

"I need you to get Bones—"

"You rang, Jim?"

Kirk swiveled around towards the CMO office, where McCoy emerged looking far too smug for his own good.

"What did you do to my hair gel?"

"What makes you think I did it?" McCoy smirked.

"Because the only other person it could be is Spock, and if you try to convince me Spock switched out my hair gel for fucking super glue, I will have to formally call into question your sanity."

Both McCoy and Chapel snorted at that imagery. "Okay, so it was me," McCoy copped easily as there was no reason to try and deny it. Since the Captain and First Officer shared a bathroom, the pair were the only ones with access. Except a certain CMO had a medical override code. "But you completely deserved it," he added.

"Tell me how to get this shit out of my hair, and I will return your precious booze by the end of the day," Kirk bargained. "I've gotta do department rounds today."

"That's unfortunate, because I'm not gonna be able to synthesize the solvent until dinner," McCoy drawled.

Kirk's jaw dropped in horror. "Bones—"

"Don't mess with my bourbon."

"You better hope I don't have to sign anything today," Kirk scowled. "That solvent better be ready by the end of Alpha shift."

Without another word, Kirk turned on his heel and strode out of the Sickbay, both of his hands firmly glued to his hair.

2: Paint With all the Colors in your Mouth

Kirk decided that the next time he decided to initiate a prank war, he was going to change the override codes to his room. Because once again, he highly doubted Spock was behind this or let anyone into their shared bathroom, and McCoy had sufficiently gotten his revenge for his bourbon collection.

But apparently he wasn't above using medical override to help someone else.

He still had a few minutes before shift, and he was not desperate enough to ask Spock for spare toiletries, but the fact was that he would need to do some vigorous brushing before making it to the bridge, and his toothbrush was currently out of commission.

With Alpha shift starting soon, most of the senior quarters would be deserted; except for one. Following a minor incident the day before that resulted in a day's medical leave, Sulu would mostly likely be in his quarters.

Kirk knocked briskly on the door, glancing up and down the hallway nervously. A moment later, the door slid open.

"Captain," Sulu said. Kirk noted something off about his tone; perhaps it was the slight forced surprise in his greeting. He decided not to dwell on it, it was probably just an effect of his pain medication.

With time against him, Kirk went straight to the point. "Any chance you have an extra toothbrush?"

Sulu raised an amused eyebrow. "Something the matter with yours, Captain?"

Red flag raised, Kirk narrowed his eyes. It was fairly obvious what was wrong with his toothbrush, and Sulu had yet to comment on it. In fact, he was very skillfully avoiding looking at it; impressive acting. "Typically, brushing your teeth is supposed to make your teeth whiter, not more yellow," Kirk intoned.

Sulu smirked, and while Kirk wasn't necessarily convinced that Sulu had been a part of the prank, he had definitely been aware of it. "All right, I'll take pity on you," he said finally, turning into his room.

"Thank you," Kirk sighed, leaning against the door frame as Sulu disappeared back into his quarters. Kirk absently scratched at his teeth as he waited, hoping to scratch off the deep yellow color now adorning them; it didn't work.

"You don't have to give it back when you're done," Sulu said as he returned, handing a new brush over to Kirk. "I think I can manage to find another one."

"You totally get an extra day of leave tomorrow if you want it," Kirk said gratefully, already turning back to his room.

"I'll hold you to that!" Sulu added before retreating into his quarters.

Ten minutes later, when Kirk appeared on the bridge with teeth stained dark green, he decided he'd keep his promise. He was a man of his word after all.

But after that, Sulu would definitely be working Gamma shift for at least the next month.

3: Not Even Mad

"Well, now that official business has been discussed, I have something a little less official to say," Kirk said, glancing around the briefing room. The look was met by several bemused expressions and two cocky smirks courtesy of McCoy and Scotty.

"Off the record then, Captain?" Sulu asked cheekily.

"No, you can fucking put this on the record," Kirk snapped before pausing and adding, "well, no, you can't, but it should be."

"Someone forgot their morning coffee," McCoy hummed, and he snickered when Kirk sent him a glare.

"The coffee was fine, all four pots of it," Kirk shot back.

"That is not good for you," Uhura said wryly.

"Well, when I woke up after three hours of sleep and literally had to chase my alarm clock for an hour, only to find that the buttons had all been reprogrammed and it took another hour to finally figure out how to turn the damn thing off, copious amounts of coffee were necessary," Kirk said tiredly before directing his gaze towards Scotty. "And I'm not even mad about it, that was a fucking good prank, I want to know how you built that thing later."

"Aye can do that, Captain," Scotty grinned. "So long as you don't mess with my ship."

"I didn't actually mess with the ship, I just made it seem like—"

"Is there a reason for the extension of our meeting, Captain?" Spock interrupted.

"Ah, yes, thank you, Mr. Spock," Kirk nodded. "Anyway, I just wanted to go on unofficial record saying that I haven't used my Captain's override once to get into anyone's rooms to perform a single prank, so you can all stop going to Bones asking for medical override to get into my room. You're all intelligent people, I'm sure you can come up with ideas that don't involve breaking into my quarters. Be more creative than bugging Bones."

"No one's bugging me, Jim," McCoy smirked.

Kirk glared at him. "I stand by my statement."

"If you haven't gotten into our rooms, how did you add dye to my shampoo?" Sulu asked, bringing up the prank that had prompted the toothbrush retaliation.

"Simple, you brought shower supplies to the gym," Kirk shrugged. "This is what I mean, people, don't be confined to my room, branch out! No pun intended, I haven't touched any of your precious plants," he added, nodding at Sulu.

"Of all the puns and jokes that could have been made there, you make a plant joke?" Uhura said dryly, eyebrow raised.

Kirk grinned at her, "Why Lieutenant, would you prefer to be confined to my quarters?"

"There it is."

4: Cover Photo

"No."

"Jim, you don't have a choice," Pike said somberly over a video comm. "Starfleet is desperate for some positive PR, and like it or not, you're the public poster-child."

"That doesn't mean they have to put me on a literal poster," Kirk growled.

"It's actually a calendar."

"Oh, fuck no," Kirk said shortly.

"I'm sorry, Jim, but this is out of my hands," Pike said, a touch of impatience leaking into his voice. "This is mandatory for every captain in the fleet."

Kirk groaned, rubbing his forehead in frustration. "When is this supposed to happen?"

"Your next shore leave, probably," Pike shrugged. "There's plenty of time before the new year."

"Plenty of time to hit the gym then," Kirk grumbled.

"That's the spirit," Pike grinned. "By the way, how's that prank war going?"

"Pretty good, people have been getting really into it—wait, what?" Kirk paused before narrowing his eyes at Pike. "What do you know about the prank war?"

Pike smirked, "Enough to make me want to participate."

It took Kirk a moment, but eventually the pieces came together.

"What the fuck happened to keeping this in-house?" he blurted out, finally realizing that Pike had been joking about the calendar.

"As your CO, this is technically still within the Enterprise," Pike explained, the smirk never leaving his face. "And since the only Admiral you're embarrassing yourself in front of is me, no rules have been broken."

Kirk sputtered indignantly. "How do you even—I didn't even do anything to you, why would you—what?!"

"Couldn't resist, kid," Pike grinned. "Your face was priceless, I really wish that had been a recorded convo."

"Oh I hate you so much."

"Next time you're planetside I'll make it up to you," Pike placated. "Drinks on me."

"...Fine," Jim grumbled, vowing to order the most expensive item on the menu. "Hey, Chris?"

"Yeah, Jim?"

"I totally would've been the cover, right?"

5: Glue Me Twice, Shame On Me

Kirk had been sitting in his chair on the bridge, catching up on several reports he missed signing during his glued hand situation a couple days before, when nature decided to give him a call. He placed his PADD on the armrest and braced his hands to push himself up when he was met with unexpected resistance. He tried to push one more time before he realized what the problem was.

"Are you serious?" he complained loudly, drawing the attention of the bridge crew. Most of them had smirks on their face. Bastards. "Two glue pranks. Two. When did anyone even have time to put the glue down before it dried?"

Of all the bridge occupants, perhaps the least likely culprit spoke up.

"You alvays spend a couple minutes by ze side bridge vindow before taking your seat, Keptin," Chekov admitted. "Zere vas plenty of time to apply ze glue to your chair."

Kirk openly gaped at him. "I do?" he said dumbly, glancing in the direction of said window. "My habits are gonna be the death of me."

"I hardly consider an adhesive bonding your clothing to your seat to be a threat to your life," Spock said.

Kirk rolled his eyes forcefully. "Thank you, Mr. Spock," he muttered.

"I believed it vas appropriate retaliation, sir," Chekov chimed from his chair. Kirk supposed it was. He had performed a particularly frustrating prank on the boy by changing all of his readouts to Ukrainian. The written language had letters close enough to Russian to be familiar yet infuriating because the words did not match up.

"Well, Mr. Chekov, you certainly rank the highest in prank timing and execution, well done," Kirk praised, and Chekov beamed at the words.

Kirk looked down on himself and wriggled a bit in his seat to test where the glue had latched on. "From where I'm sitting, I have two options," Kirk said, pausing to let the painful pun sink in. He was rewarded by a loud snort from Sulu and an impressive eye roll from Uhura. "One, wait for our darling doctor to whip up another solvent, which will probably take until the end of shift, or two..." he trailed off, making a show of unbuttoning his trousers.

"Nope, we can wait for McCoy," Uhura said loudly, turning away.

"Joke's on you guys," Kirk grinned, not stopping at Uhura's words. "Because I really need to go to the bathroom, and luckily for me, I have zero shame."

True to his word, Kirk finished unbuttoning his pants. He was unable to actually push them down his legs due to the glue, so he braced his hands on his arm rests and performed an impressive acrobatic maneuver to roll himself forward in his seat and remove his legs from his trapped trousers.

"You guys," Kirk grunted, settling himself down for a brief rest, "are lucky I decided to wear underwear today."

This comment was met with a few snickers, and Kirk grinned before hauling himself up. He noticed most of the crew members were averting their eyes, and he chuckled loudly as he turned towards the turbolift.

"Don't be afraid to look, you guys!" he called over his shoulder. "I'll have you know I'm the Starfleet Calendar cover model."

+1: In Bad Taste

Uhura had been fuming for the last couple days over a prank Kirk had pulled on her. While she was highly qualified and competent in many areas of a starship, engineering was not her specialty. So when Kirk ordered her to relay a message down to Engineering, she had no idea she had fallen into a trap.

"Lieutenant Uhura, could you send a message down to Engineering?" Kirk said, not looking up from his PADD.

"Yes, Captain," she replied dutifully. "What's the message?"

"'Reports have been received about a high level alarm in the cooling system, request permission to blow the MPA,'" Kirk relayed.

"Aye, Sir," Uhura said, immediately opening a comm line to Engineering. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Chekov had slapped a hand to his forehead and Sulu was grinning at him. Probably a joke between the two, she figured before relaying the exact words of the message.

She was not prepared to hear a snort of laughter at the other end.

"Oh, lassie, I think you've been the victim of a prank," Scotty's voice filtered through the receiver.

"What do you mean?"

"The MPA is the Main Propulsion Assistant, you just requested to blow Ensign Le'Veon."

Cheeks burning, she whirled around to glare at Kirk, who was now bent over his PADD giggling.

"Sorry, couldn't resist!" he managed. Looking up to find Uhura's glare still in place, he sighed. "Ah, come on, Uhura, it's a pretty common engineering prank, isn't that right, Ensign?"

"Wery true, Keptin," Chekov grinned guiltily. "It got pulled on me my first veek on ze ship."

"Anyway, request denied! I don't need the threat of your boyfriend looming over me," Scotty said hastily before cutting the comm line.

Speaking of boyfriends, that was exactly who Uhura decided to enlist to help her with her revenge on Kirk. When Spock heard about the prank, he quickly agreed to help her in her chosen prank. While she had roomed with Gaila in the Academy for years, she hadn't picked up on any of her computer programming or hacking prowess, so she needed Spock's help.

The prank had successfully been set up, so now Uhura sat in the Officer's Mess along with McCoy, Sulu, and Scotty, discussing her plans.

"We set it up this morning," Uhura explained to the group, "and Spock said it should be ready in time—"

"You got Spock in on a prank?" Kirk interrupted, strolling past them on the way to the food replicator. "I think I'm impressed. Should I avoid returning to my quarters?"

"Maybe," Uhura grinned mischievously.

"Bones, I'm bunking with you tonight," Kirk said as he retrieved his food.

"No, you're not," McCoy grunted immediately.

"Please?" Kirk pouted, taking a seat next to the doctor.

"I still haven't forgiven you."

"I returned every last drop of your stupid bourbon!"

"It was sacrilege to take it in the first place."

"Ah, come on, Bones," Kirk said, nudging his shoulder. He picked up his sandwich in one hand and slung the other arm over McCoy's shoulder. "You don't care about my well-being and whatever those two are cooking up?"

"Interesting choice of words, Captain," Uhura said brightly, just as Kirk took a large bite into his sandwich.

Mouth full, Kirk cocked an eye at her, and for a moment she wondered if the reprogramming hadn't worked.

Then Kirk's eyes widened.

It was comical, seeing the exact moment the taste registered in his mouth, and Uhura couldn't contain her snickering.

Kirk quickly spat out the bite onto his tray, and immediately started spitting saliva onto his tray as well. The hand holding the sandwich dropped it like it was poisoned and moved to his stomach, and the hand that had been around Bones flew to his neck as he began a series of horrible hacking coughs. Throughout the ordeal, his eyes remained fixed on his dropped spicy chicken sandwich, like it had betrayed him. Uhura let out another snicker.

"Payback's a bitch, eh Captain?" she grinned.

Kirk's eyes snapped to her before glancing away quickly, hand gripping the material at his stomach like a lifeline. His coughing continued, but when McCoy placed a hand on his shoulder to offer some help, Kirk flinched away like he had been hit.

He stood up abruptly from the table and retreated from the Mess, his coughs echoing in the hallway.

McCoy had an eyebrow raised at the door Kirk left from, and it was still up when he turned back to the table. "What was that about?" he asked, question aimed mostly at Uhura.

"I'm guessing that was your prank then, lassie?" Scotty chirped.

"It was," Uhura confirmed. "Spock helped me reprogram the replicators. Kirk always has spicy chicken sandwiches on Wednesdays, so we only needed to change that one meal instead of affecting everyone."

"I'm gonna guess that doesn't taste like chicken then," Sulu drawled, nodding his head towards the abandoned sandwich.

"Nope," Uhura agreed. "We changed it to taste like leather, we thought—"

"Shit."

Uhura paused, curious about the interruption. Not necessarily at the word, but by how it was said. As she looked at McCoy now, his face had gone ashen as he stared at the sandwich with a look akin to horror. McCoy had spoken without his usual gruffness, but with a tone of pain.

"What?" she asked, worried about the doctor's change in demeanor.

"You made the sandwich taste like leather?"

Ah, perhaps McCoy was worried about health effects. "It's not like he actually ate leather, it's just the taste," Uhura said to hopefully appease him. It didn't work.

McCoy shook his head morosely and stood up from the table. "You don't even know—that's not—you really—that's not a prank, that's—" McCoy's thoughts were flowing out of him without restraint and Uhura couldn't string them together as he continued, "Jim, he—you...you went too far," he muttered finally.

Leaving his own uneaten meal behind, he left the Mess and presumably went looking for Kirk. Uhura exchanged an uneasy glance with Sulu and Scotty. It had seemed like a good prank at the time, but now she knew there was clearly something deeper going on.

Uhura looked down at her own plate, appetite suddenly gone. After successfully executing a prank, one was supposed to feel accomplished and victorious, but all she felt now was an unexplained pit of guilt growing in her gut.

It was common knowledge that Kirk had a replicated spicy chicken sandwich for lunch every Wednesday. It was a habit he carried from high school, where replicators couldn't be individualized and had to be programmed daily to provide the same meal for the entire school. Every Wednesday had been spicy chicken sandwich day, and according to Kirk, it was the one meal of the week that didn't suck. He had carried the tradition to the Academy, even though replicators could churn out different meals at each person's request.

So when Kirk began hacking up a lung at lunch, McCoy correctly deduced that Uhura's prank had sabotaged his sandwich in some way, but he assumed that she had increased the spiciness of the sandwich or something similar.

Until she explained herself.

Leather. Of all things, it had to be leather.

Uhura couldn't have known, and if she had, she never would have gone through with the prank in the first place. What had happened was not a prank though; it was torture, plain and simple.

McCoy was one of very few people who knew why such a joke would have disastrous consequences, so he couldn't bring himself to be angry at Uhura for her folly. Anger wouldn't help Kirk at all anyway, and that's who he needed to focus on right now. Who knows what the kid's mental state was right now?

After sending a quick comm up to the bridge stating that the captain would not be on duty for the rest of his shift, he made his way to Kirk's quarters.

Rather than knocking, McCoy used his medical override for the fourth time that week and walked right into the room. He didn't find Kirk right away, but after a moment his ears picked up on ragged breathing from the bathroom.

This time he did knock, but he didn't wait for a response before entering. "Jim," McCoy breathed, taking in the sight before him.

Kirk was sitting on the bathroom floor, back to the wall next to the toilet. His head was cradled in his hands, elbows resting on bent knees. A dribble of bile was left on the corner of his mouth, and his shirt and head were drenched in water. The sink faucet was running on full blast above him.

McCoy sank to the ground next to Kirk, pressing his side against Kirk's, and Kirk immediately responded, moving his head to rest on McCoy's shoulder. The dampness in his hair immediately seeped into McCoy's shirt, but he found he didn't mind at all.

"She didn't know, Jim, you know she wouldn't have done it otherwise," McCoy said softly, wrapping an arm around Kirk's shoulder to pull him closer.

"I know," Kirk responded, and McCoy winced at how gravelly his voice sounded. "I'm not mad."

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, McCoy absently rubbing Kirk's shoulder comfortingly. The sink continued to run in the background, but McCoy couldn't work up the motivation to leave Kirk just to turn it off. McCoy took a moment to reminisce, realizing that the pair were perhaps in the exact same position they had been when Kirk had first revealed his past on Tarsus IV.

"Have you ever chewed on a baseball glove, Bones?" Kirk said suddenly. McCoy shook his head soundlessly as Kirk continued. "Just absently chewing the laces while you're waiting to catch the ball or whatever. They're stiff when you first get it, like you have to break in the laces as you break in the glove. Except—" Kirk's voice caught briefly, "when you're chewing them between a game of catch, you never think that one day—one day you're gonna have to literally eat those laces—the whole glove eventually—to prolong your life a couple more days.

"I hadn't thought about that in ages," Kirk whispered brokenly. "Sure, bits of Tarsus are an everyday occurrence, it's impossible to avoid that, but...I had finally forgotten the taste of it."

McCoy realized belatedly that Kirk had probably shoved his mouth under the sink faucet in an attempt to rid his mouth of the taste. But Kirk was right. Now that the memory had been brought back, it would take a lot more than washing his mouth to forget it again.

"So much for Spicy Chicken Wednesday," Kirk muttered finally.

Perhaps it was the realization that one of his few comforts had been tarnished by a memory so vile that did it, but something within Kirk broke, and the floodgates opened. McCoy immediately reached his other arm around to pull Kirk into him, and Kirk responded, his own arms wrapping around McCoy as he buried his face into his shoulder. McCoy stroked a hand comfortingly through Kirk's hair as he trembled, wondering how such an innocent prank war had degenerated into something so much worse.

The toothbrush prank is pretty straightforward if you want to mess with someone, just add a couple drops of food coloring to someone's toothbrush (you'll have more luck if the coloring matches the color of the bristles), and when they go to brush their teeth, instant colored teeth ;)

I kinda ended this fic on a sad note, and I totally felt bad for how I left Uhura, so that's what spawned the idea of a sequel. Stay tuned for:

"Don't Tell Me You're Sorry"
Sometimes he meant it, sometimes he didn't, but she hoped beyond anything that he knew hers was genuine.
Or, five times Jim Kirk owed Nyota Uhura an apology, and one time she owed him one in return.

Thanks for reading! I hope to see you over at the sequel! It's already been written, so I should have it posted in a couple days. If you subscribe to this fic, I'll add a new chapter here to let you know when the sequel gets posted.

Sadie out.