Picture prompt: When your girl's dad walks in and you have to shake his hand right after you finished finger blasting her.

^^^Eww!^^^

You can find the picture on my stories page. It's utterly disgusting and I was dared to write this.

Sooo … You can thank Leighlee Bliss McCloy for posting said prompt as well as Kaye P Hallows (BornOnHalloween) and Tracy Alter for daring me—egging me on.

Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable characters herein. No copyright infringement is intended.

The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen

Chapter 1 – Something Smells a Little Fishy

"We have the house all to ourselves tonight," Bella shrieks and claps her hands together as we exit the school and hurry to my Volvo.

The wind is cold, blowing harsh across our faces. The ominous clouds above our heads are heavy as if precipitation is weighting them toward the ground. The smell of rain is in the air and I just know it will fall at some point during the evening—as it always does—so I'm happy Bella and I will have a warm couch or bed to fool around on.

"Are you sure, babe?" I open the car door and wait for Bella to enter.

"Totally. I overheard Dad talking to Billy about going fishing after work."

"That's awesome because it's been too long since I've had you alone in an empty house." I waggle my brows, hopefully sending sly signals of what I have in store for her … later. I swear Junior twitches in my jeans, giving himself a burn across his head—since I boycott wearing underwear. It just isn't my style. But then again, Junior being active is a common occurrence when Bella is around.

"Let's go to the diner and grab a couple of shakes, and then we can wait there until the coast is clear. You know Charlie would shit a brick if he knew you were coming over without him there to chaperone."

"With this new haircut of yours, he might be on to something." I flick the side of her short asymmetrical bob with my index finger and then put my car into drive. Bella's smile lights up the dreary day and my heart, all at the same time.

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.

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The diner is buzzing with activity. The gang is here making plans for the weekend while stuffing fries and shakes in their faces. Emmett and Rose along with Alice and Jasper are debating which movie they want to watch in Port Angeles tonight. I'm pretty sure the girls are winning with a chick flick. Bella and I are invited, but we smile and happily decline the offer of triple dating. I have something else much more exciting on the agenda for this evening.

"Okay, it's your loss," Emmett says. Throwing a fry up in the air and catching it in between his teeth. The guy is nothing if not coordinated.

"I'm definitely not losing out tonight." I nudge my friend, and he guffaws loudly, bringing attention to our table.

"Shh. Jacob is here, and he'll tell his dad if he hears our plans," Bella scolds. "He's such a tattletale."

Jasper chimes in. "True. That punk needs his ass kicked one day."

"Oh, he's harmless," Alice says kissing Jasper's cheek and then wiping her lipstick print off his face.

"Come on, we're going to miss the eye candy if we don't leave. We're going to see. Magic Mike, baby!" Rose chants much too loud.

Thank God Bella and I aren't tagging along because I don't think I can compete with the likes of Channing Tatum and his slick-as-shit moves.

I lean toward Bella whispering in her ear, "You ready, hot stuff?"

And it's like I've put a stick of dynamite under her sweet cheeks because she's up and heading to the door, pulling me along with her.

I yell over my shoulder, "See ya later."

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The Swan house is dark when we pull in the driveway. Bella unlocks the door and flips the light switch on in the living room. Chief is long gone, and I'm ready to get my lovin' on. I can't wait another second, so I pull her flush against my chest and kiss her … hard.

"Mmm," she moans into my mouth.

"All I thought about at the diner was your hot little mouth somewhere very private." I point down to Junior, and Bella giggles.

"Oh yeah? Why don't you make yourself comfy, and I'll go change into something more convenient … if you know what I mean."

Junior does jumping jacks in his denim confines. "All right, hurry back."

As soon as Bella is out of sight, I hurdle my suave self over the back of the couch and prop my legs up on the coffee table.

And wait.

I listen as the rain pelts the windowpanes. It's coming down in sheets, and I'm glad we made it here in the nick of time without getting drenched.

Bella clears her throat, and I turn her way, watching as she walks all sultry in my direction. She's changed from her jeans to a very flowy, very accessible long-sleeve knee length dress. I pat my lap and she straddles me with a smile.

"I have a surprise for you."

My hands travel up her legs, and under her dress, her smooth skin rewards my fingers as I move them. Our lips meet, mouths part and tongues explore—along with my hands. I've been here before but each time seems like a new discovery, and now I've discovered my surprise.

NO PANTIES!

Junior begs to be released from his cage, but my hands are preoccupied. One hand grabs the soft roundness of Bella's ass and the other gently strokes the soft hair between her legs. She's wet, and begging me to hurry up and fill her with my fingers.

"Patience, babycakes."

I tease my girl, making her hornier. My fingers slide between her wet lips and down to her entrance, then back up to her swollen clit.

"Damn, Edward. You're making me crazy." She wiggles her hips, grinding into Junior with force.

"Ugh. Sugarbug." I toss her off my lap and onto her back, to the couch. I unbutton my jeans to relieve some of the pressure that's been squeezing Junior's head. Plus, I have better access to Bella's kitty.

MEOW!

My right hand resumes position on her pussy. I insert my middle finger and then another at her request.

"Oh, yes. Edward. I love how you finger blast me."Her hips are on a constant swivel, rolling and rolling like ocean waves. My fingers are completely engulfed by her warmth and sweet scent. My mouth waters; my tongue is jealous of my fingers having all the fun. I enjoy the view of my girl with her legs spread wide open and her dress hiked up around her waist. I can't wait until I'm naked, thrusting inside her.

Her moans are increasing, and Junior is begging for some action. Just when I think my hand is going to fall off from the hardcore pumping, Bella grabs my ears, pulling me to her. I love when I have her grasping for body parts, moaning, "Sweet, Jesus" as I bring her to climax.

"Whew," Bella says as she goes limp, but I'm ready for round two—and three and possibly four.

"What's that?" I ask. My heart is pumping from excitement, but I swear I heard something outside.

"What's what?"

"I heard something." I stand up and button my jeans. Bella sits up and drags her dress back down her legs. Just as I'm stepping away from the couch, the door swings open, and Charlie comes in soaked from the rain.

Holy shit.

Close call.

"Chief. Good evening." I continue to walk toward him. I'm on autopilot. I've been raised by parents that have stressed manners and respect for elders.

"Edward." His voice is less than thrilled, and I can see why.

I look over my shoulder and notice Bella's cheeks are pink and she's breathing a little heavy.

I stick my hand out to shake his hand, forgetting where said right hand has been playing—on and in his daughter's playground.

"How was fishing?" His grip is firm, his shake is commanding, and he's not letting go.

I catch a whiff of something pungent, fishy. I watch as Chief's lips mash together and his nose flairs.

"Fish. I smell fish." He releases my hand, and I discreetly wipe the remaining stickiness of Bella off my fingers on the side of my jeans.

"I don't smell anything." I lie like a hound dog.

Chief brings his hand to his nose, his fingers almost touch his mustache, and I'm saying a silent pray to the pussy Gods that he doesn't smear his daughter's scent on his face.

"Oh, Lord!" Charlie says. "How can you not smell that stank?"

My mouth goes dry. "Uh, Uh …" I'm seeing stars until Chief speaks again.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I haven't washed my hands since I cleaned the fish Billy and I caught. Come on son. Let's wash our hands."

I watch as Bella falls back on the couch covering her mouth. I hear her snickers and squeaking from behind me as I follow her dad to the kitchen to wash up.

Fuck me.

If any of you have made it this far, I congratulate you!

So there you have it, I never pass up a dare. I hope you enjoyed this shitty little O/S.

BUT…I have a surprise! I'm going to keep this ongoing. When I think of funny and awkward Edward moments, or if my crazy friends give me prompts, I'll add to this thing. I'm sure Leighlee will be my biggest supporter and prompt giver.

I'll be completely surprised if I get any reviews and I'm sure I'll get some hate mail because this is just SO wrong. Bahahahaha!

Xo

OhGee

P.S. Thanks T for beta'ing