Clintasha post AoU drabble.

Egad this movie just makes me want to cry. It was amazing and yet had a lot of negative points - both from a subjective and objective point of view. Bleh I won't elucidate, but as a Clintasha shipper I need to concoct some shit to make me feel better after all these chemistry-less ships...

(I also ship Winter Widow so basically if that happens I will be very happy)

Natasha POV:

In the aftermath of the battle, I'd forgotten to see how Clint was doing. Wanda had told me that he'd wanted to see me in the medical bay. That's where they were holding Pietro. He was still inside the tissue regeneration pod with unstable vitals. Clint and Steve had barely managed to keep him alive during their transport from the city. Considering the damage Fury had taken and still survived - there was hope for Pietro still, and Wanda was happy for it.

Clint was still there, sitting beside the glass pod, watching intently as it completed it's work - just as it had for him before the battle. It was ironic that Pietro was the one in the pod, since he was the one who'd put Clint there in the first place. Karmic justice you could say, although too much of it in this case.

By the door I stood still and silent, trying hard not to disturb him in his reverie. But of course, Clint being Clint knew I was there almost right away. I smiled a small, broken smile... the best I could manage under the circumstances...

He turned back to Pietro and I stayed by the door. In each other's silent company we were more than comfortable. I'd shared many an aftermath with him, but mostly for small covert missions where we had only each other to confide in and go to for support. Him more so than I. I'd been trained to have nerves of steel in almost all situations, except when I was with him. Something always made me let down my guard when Clint came into the picture. He needed my shoulder more than I needed his in the end. He had more to lose.

"I noticed you added a name beside 'Nathaniel'..." I smiled and strode towards him when he glanced back at me.

I squeezed his shoulder and he squeezed my hand in return.

"Two of the bravest people I've ever known, I guess..."

"It was good seeing Laura. The kids seemed well..." This was an awkward subject between Clint and I - Laura and his family.

When we went to his house to take shelter, I was mentally prepared to face his wife and children, but Clint didn't seem to think I'd be. That's why I'd started my seduction of Bruce much earlier. It was something we both had to learn to endure - Clint and I, I mean.

"Yes, they're all great. Man, I was so scared Nat... when Ultron was shooting at me. Damn, if it wasn't for the Maximoff punk I'd be... They'd be..." Clint lips pursed into a wavering line, unable to finish the sentence.

"Don't think like that, Clint. You aren't dead and they aren't alone. This guy," I knocked the glass twice with my finger, "saved you and that kid. It worked out that way, there's no what if. All right?"

"Yeah, yeah okay" Clint half smiled and stood up. He strode to my side and peered through the glass at the unconscious Maximoff twin. "Damn, you'd better wake up punk, or I'll have to kill you..."

Both of us half smiled, and we said nothing for a while.

"So..." Clint cut through the silence like a knife through butter. "You and Banner... that's new" He laughed, an actual laugh not just a giggle or chuckle.

"Yeah well," I turn to him and put on a sarcastic air, "I had to do something to show you I'd moved on" I smiled to cover up the awkwardness of the statement, but I'm sure he saw right through it.

"Well if you had to do something, you could have at least picked Rogers, or even this punk right here" He knocked on the glass.

I laughed. A deep and hearty one. And he was smiling. A real and broad one. Damn, how I missed these moments. Smiling and laughing with Clint like we hadn't just nearly died a few hours ago. It was always this easy with him.

"Rogers is too old school. And Ihaven't even exchanged a single word with this punk" I knocked on the glass more dramatically than he had, and we laughed again.

"Okay fine, valid reasons. But seriously, Banner?" He raised an eyebrow and broke out into hysterics. Between each fit of laughter he managed to get out a few words. "Like - damn - Nat, I wouldn't have guessed - you picking - a - dorky nerd" He was leaning on the side of the pod and wiping fake tears from his eyes for effect.

I smiled, showing all my teeth, and headed for the door. Stopping in the doorway I glanced over my shoulder at him.

"I picked you, didn't I? Dorky nerd" I smirked.

"Hey Nat, I'm a lean mean killing machine, and don't you forget it" He pointed at me dramatically and raised both eyebrows. My smirk turned into a chuckle.

I waved at him without looking back.

I kept walking straight on, not worrying about where I was headed. I needed to keep myself moving. When I finally turned a corner, my hand went straight up to my mouth to silence a sob. I leaned against the wall and let my weight collapse on me.

On my knees now, I can't breathe without letting the sobs out. So I don't. I lift myself up high enough to open the door I'm leaning against and scramble into the room, slamming the door shut once I'm inside.

Damn. I'm a complete mess.

Finally my hand drops from my mouth and I breathe deeply. Tears trail down my face; gladly I'm silent as they do.

When Clint and I had been together - sometime after he'd decided to recruit me for S.H.I.E.L.D. instead of killing me like he was ordered - I hadn't known about his family. I assumed that he'd have told me, or made some subtle mention of it to inform me. I wouldn't have pursued him if I'd known.

When I found out, I did a good job of acting like it was no big deal. He and I never talked about it, and we stayed separated for a long time, together only during missions - strictly professional.

We were together one time after that, just after the battle of New York. He thought Laura and the kids were dead because some of the Chitauri had managed to reach that area, according to incoming reports from our surveillance teams. He came to me in tears and I did my best to tell him everything was going to be all right. We stayed together that night, laying in each other's arms silently.

The next morning Director Fury sent a report to Clint, confirming that his family was alive and well. He came to me later that day and told me about it. I tried so hard to hide the pain, and I would have succeeded if he hadn't told me that we were done.

After I'd found out, both of us had made a silent agreement to remain strictly professional. There had been no exchange of words, and when he'd finally said it, that we were done, I couldn't deal with it.

But I had to, so I did.

From that day I began planning my seduction of Bruce Banner. I'd never even considered Steve. He was too distrusting of me, and firm in his righteous beliefs. I couldn't taint him with a lie like that. He was, and still is, too pure; too innocent; to trusting of this world. If I'd known this Maximoff was going to drop in, I might have stalled and seduced him. That'd be more believable, considering what a dish he was. But that didn't matter now, because my ploy had worked. Banner was tangled in my web of deception, and it surprisingly hurt me to play him like that. But I had to. I had to or else I'd break.

I laugh at my predicament. My love for Clint is pure and nascent, and to get away from it I need to spin a web of lies - not to convince him, but myself that I am done with him.

When I called Clint my 'best friend' in front of Banner, I was hoping that Clint was awake, hearing my words and seeing how hard I was trying to make us both happy. It hurt like hell to get those words out, but when I did, I felt somehow lighter; like I'd jumped a high hurdle in this race. The race to my freedom from this burden.

Damn. I'm way too sentimental sometimes.

For about an hour I don't bother moving. Wanda is probably looking for me, or Steve. We have to brief the new Avengers on their training schedules. How tedious.

My eyes are still red and my face is still tear-stained when I finally leave. While on my way to my room, I double back and find myself heading towards Steve's. Maybe using his shoulder will make it hurt less.

Clint POV:

When Natasha leaves I sigh heavily. I felt like I'd been holding my breath the entire time she was here. I'm not glad that she'd left, just relieved that I don't have to keep up appearances.

Meeting my family was a drastic measure, one I was sure I'd never risk, but I ended up risking it anyways. All for Nat.

Nat's condition was horrifying, as were the rest's, but hers more so considering her turbulent past. I couldn't think of any place safer than Laura's. It was a stupid, thoughtless move.

I hadn't considered at all how she would feel once we got there. But she'd handled it a lot better than I thought she would. I'd taken her there several times before; to meet my family, and also as a safe house between missions. All the times we'd been there together, she didn't waver for a second, or let slip even a tiny clue about me and her.

I was stupid to have even been involved with her in the first place. I wasn't even married to Laura at the time, but that didn't make it any less wrong.

What was the reason for it anyway. I was young and stupid and looking for a challenge. Ha, what valid reasons I put forth.

Damn me.

I'd ruined both our lives by refusing to let slip that detail.

"Ah yeah, Natasha, by the way, I've got a girlfriend"

Imagine what we could have avoided if I'd said just one simple insignificant sentence. Pretty less complicated that's for sure. I space out, remembering all the things we shared, Nat and I. If I'd said what I should have, we would never have shared any of that. I don't think I want to lose those memories, even if that's all they'll ever be...

During the battle, when Nat was M.I.A., I couldn't stop worrying about her. I was yelling her name through the coms, and when she didn't answer I felt like my heart had stopped. I wanted to go in and extract her myself, but I was needed with the twins. It was meddlesome, and I wanted to see her, but Banner went. He was probably the best choice considering his new relationship with Nat.

I can't help but laughing. In no existing universe (except this one apparently) would Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanoff get together to do the do. Not that I knew if they'd done that already. How does Bruce even do that stuff... I probably shouldn't think about that.

I look back at the pod in which Pietro's sleeping - for lack of a better word.

"There's another thing on my conscience" I huff in annoyance.

This job used to be so easy. Well as easy as killing got. Why couldn't people just use old fashioned guns? Or better yet, a bow and arrow. Even a broadsword wouldn't be so bad.

I end up meeting Wanda on my way out of the medical bay. We share a silent nod of greeting before parting ways. We've grown closer because of her brother, but I doubt any friendship will last between us. I know she resents me for putting Pietro in this position despite it being his choice to do so.

Damn me. Damn this. I should quit. I really should quit. I punch the wall in frustration, unaware of a pair of eyes on me.

It's Rogers.

"Frustrated, Agent Barton?" He leans against the wall I'd just punched, his hands in his pockets. Not fazed at all. His expression is generally neutral.

"I should really get a desk job" I joke and lean against the wall in a similar casual fashion.

"We all really should" He sighs and walks over to me. I stand up straight and face him. He puts a friendly hand of my shoulder and smiles.

"But the world needs us. It needs you, an Avenger" With a final pat, he's off.

I stand in the same place for a while, not bothering with Rogers' preaching. Figures he'd take it seriously. I chuckle at his gullibility. What a guy. Nat would definitely not be able to swindle him, no matter how hard she tried.

Thinking of Nat gets me irritated again. I need to let off some steam. This whole Nat and Pietro thing is too troublesome to handle without a few explosions in the background to clear my mind.

Well I'm not a very good writer now that I've reviewed my work. I really can't get Nat's essence can I?

Constructive criticism and feedback appreciated, thanks.