Everyone's left the cemetery. Maggie has the kids, our kids. His casket is uncovered, but lowered into the ground. How can this be real? How is he gone? I kneeled quietly beside the hole with the wooden box that holds the remains of my husband's body. I looked up at the sky. He has to be somewhere up there, right? This was it. After this, his body was going to be covered. I needed to talk to him. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and reassure me that everything was fine. I needed him here with me.

But that isn't an option. Derek Shepherd, my Derek gone. Forever.

This moment with him though is needed, and I hoped more than anything that he was listening to me.

"Derek," I mumbled, "Please Derek if you can hear me listen. Because I really need you to hear me right now."

The next words to come out came like a stream, a sink with an open drain.

"God Derek, I never thought this would be the end for you, for us. You told me to wait for you, that you were coming back. God I waited for you how stupid was I? I should have gone with you to D.C." My eyes welled up, "How do I do this alone? How do I keep going? I am dark and twisty lets face it. I can't go back to the house. To our bed."

I had to pause, our house, our bed. The tears started to spill out of my eyes, but I didn't wipe them off my face.

"Derek, remember that time that you told me you didn't want me to end up alone if something happened? I'm not alone. I have the kids, but what do I say to them when they ask where you are? You aren't coming back this time. Not like the times before. But how do I raise them without you? You always knew what to do, what to say to them."

Then it all hit me; he's going to miss everything they do. I am going to experience this all alone.

"You're never going to see Zola's first dance recital or teach Bailey how to play baseball. They are going to go to the first day of school without you, and graduate and then go to college. And still it is going to be me there, alone," through a muffled cry I said, "Zola isn't going to have her daddy to walk her down the aisle at her wedding."

I stopped dead. The Post-it. He promised me forever.

"And when we got married on that Post-it that everyone thought was so stupid, you promised me forever. This isn't forever Derek. I wanted to grow old and smelly and senile together. Derek you are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I didn't know what love was before I met you," I sobbed openly, I couldn't hid my pain anymore.

"Derek you are the love of my life. You gave me two beautiful kids. You made me believe I could be a good mother to them. You complete my life, and you aren't here anymore. God I wish you were here. I wish you were here more than anything."

I openly cried at the tomb of my husband with my hands laid over his casket. Why did things have to end up this way? I just don't get it. Why is the universe so cruel?

"It took me so long to figure out that you were the love of my life, but you knew the whole time. I can't believe I wasted so much time," I sighed, still crying, I was never good at relationships.

"But Derek, when I figured it out it hit me so hard. How am I going to go on without you? I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I've lost you so many times, but you came back Derek you came back. Why can't this just be like every other time?"

Sobs escaped from my mouth as I shook from my small frame. My life will never be the same again.

"We survived so much and now that is all wasted. Why Derek? Why did it have to go this way? Everything was so perfect."

And for the next few minutes I cried. I cried at the loss of my husband and the loss of the life we had together.

"One day, a long time from now, we will be reunited, but until then, all I can do is talk and hope that you are listening."

I kissed the top of his casket.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, you are my hero and I will never stop loving you. Thank you for picking me, choosing me and loving me."

And silently I laid there, head parallel with his, waiting for him to come back for me.