My internal monologue is saturated analog
It's scratched and drifting, I've become attached to the idea
It's all a shifting dream, bittersweet philosophy
I've got no idea how I even got here
I'm resentful, I'm having an existential time crisis
Want bliss, daylight savings won't fix this mess
Under-worked and over-sexed, I must express my disinterest
The rats are back inside my head, what would Freud have said?

-"Pedestrian At Best" Courtney Barnett

XxxX

"Sit up straight, child," tutted the Lady Robin as she glanced over at the blond girl sitting at the table opposite her. For half a second irritation flashed over the girl's pretty pale face but it smoothed over quickly as she straightened up and continued to eat her food like a proper Lady should. Very good, she was well trained in the art of loveliness.

This tall, thin girl was the Lady Sanji of the house Black, ward of the royal family and betrothed to their only son, Sir Crocodile, until she should come of age, which would be any time now as she was sixteen years old.

She had been taken from her home in a castle of the East Blue Isles when said castle was ransacked by the King's men. Sanji had been taken as hostage but the castle had since been rebuilt and she still had the rights to the lands from which she was taken, or rather her husband would, when she was wed, and that was why she had been a candidate for a good wife for the prince. The royal family was always looking to extend their lands and power. Right now some knight was ruling over that bit of land and he wasn't doing that great a job of it, there were stories about trade being cut off from the city for some of the things this knight had done while in command. This knight went along undisturbed by the people's unrest through the power of fear. He didn't understand the easterners but he knew how to provoke fear in people.

Lady Sanji herself was a true eastern girl beautiful in her own little way, her face was thin and pale, even of features, she had lovely ocean blue eyes framed by long lashes, her hair fell to her back in a golden sheen not completely straight but not totally wavy either, pulled away from her face and braided at the back. She was tall, taller than quite a few boys at five feet and eleven inches but sometimes she liked being taller than them, it made her feel powerful and she never had to wear lifted shoes. Lucky for her, she was just on that delicate edge of being too tall.

She lacked the curves most girls were gifted with and her chest was relatively small. Her most obvious flaw was that her eyebrows both curled to the left, making her face look abstract and asymmetrical but that was easily solved with the edge of a razor, as she had been told from a young age. She sat tall and proper as she ate her meal, her face painted with color to make her beautiful and showing only a patient smile. She was trying her hardest to make it look patient and not patronizing but it took a lot of effort. It was such a delicate balance, controlling the facial muscles like that.

Underneath that pleasant face, the girl's head throbbed in pain, she hated this situation, she had better things she could be doing than practicing table etiquette, something she had been doing since she was old enough to sit at a table, but she was a lady and a lady must hold her tongue because no one cared how unhappy she was.

They want a pretty face, not a sharp tongue, she repeated the words over in her head but she couldn't stop herself from internally rolling her eyes. Ever since she was little she had been taught all the rules and lessons she must learn so that one day she could be sold off as some Lord's whore- wife. That was the thing her life was leading to. Getting married and becoming a production house for children, a breeder, the only true use of all castle women.

Some people got to look forward to being awarded to knighthood for their bravery, or a place on some council for their wisdom, or even the top spot in something mundane like being head maid. But not her, she would be given the task of birthing children as a reward for her pretty face and silent mouth. She had been present at a birth once and it was horrific, she vowed that she would never have a child, she would make her husband be the pregnant one... She had been rather young at the time she decided upon that but that lingering horror still stood.

Sanji wasn't perfect, she had never been any good at holding her tongue but she could do mundane the tasks she must learn, like sewing, cooking, and dancing, with ease. She could even take the manners most of the time but it all grew so tiresome day after day, she would rather run around playing with other kids like she did before she had come to this place. Back on the Isles they hadn't been quite so strict, she had been allowed to slack off in her studies of Ladyship. She was probably too old running around like a child now but she felt she could still make up for it if she tried.

In all honestly, Sanji didn't remember much of what her life was like, before she had come to the royal city. She remembered the vast blue ocean sparkling in the sunlight. She sort of remembered the layout of the castle she had lived in, her room had been up in a tower so she could see all the other islands surrounding them out her window. She remembered swimming in the warm water and running from the cold. She could not remember her parents, every time she tried she could only see vague outlines of people without faces, but she supposed that didn't matter, her parents were dead and remembering their faces wouldn't help anything. She still remembered her native language but only because one of her maids growing up had been from the east and spoke the language to her while they were together, Sanji was glad of that. She remembered being allowed to play with other kids when her lessons were done. Most of all she remembered the siege and attacks that had taken her from the castle and left her parents dead.

She had been told since then that her parents had brought it upon themselves but she never bought into that. The castle had been taken because her parents were gathering forces with a lower neighboring kingdom and summoning other small troops against the royal family. They had taken the castle when the gathering of troops was still minor but no chances were going to be taken in this.

It was nearly impossible to effectively attack the main island where the castle was located because of its high cliffs and narrow passes, plus the army had been brought in to defend them, so instead of attacking the royal fleet had cut off all their trade roots and supply lines to try starving them out.

Everyday there was less and less food and the people grew anxious. Smugglers brought food in every so often but it wasn't enough to feed everyone. The meals were cut back and Sanji could still remember that cold empty feeling in her stomach as she laid awake, trying to sleep and forget about how hungry she was. The siege had lasted for four months before the castle was stormed and Sanji's parents were killed.

The opposing soldiers had burst through the doors to the chamber of the king and queen at night and had cut them down in a secret operation before the rest of the soldiers had come in. Sanji had been dragged from her bed by the hair, kicking and screaming. She thought that they were going to kill her but they put her on a boat and set her to the royal kingdom. They intended to brainwash her, marry her off to some Lord and rule the Eastern Isles through a puppet rule and all the while the easterners would be less likely to be unhappy with one from the high family ruling.

From her time since then she had learned everything she now knew and Sanji could do almost all her tasks perfectly but then someone would say something disagreeable to her and her tongue would slip, sharp as the blade, slicing her perfect composer to ribbons and ruining all her illusions. Who wants a pretty flower when it spits acid in your face? She hated all this face painting and dress wearing. Not to say that she didn't like wearing dresses, she did enjoy dressing up but she hated the way it made people look at her and that spoiled all the fun of it. Her dresses made her look like a highborn Lady and a highborn Lady had rules to follow. Plus, most of her dresses were heavy and tight, she sometimes wondered if her maids were trying to suffocate her when she was being dressed.

She may like dresses but she didn't like the makeup, it made her look unlike herself. It was a mask of charm and glamor. There was also the fact that all these things made her easy on the eyes and that made Sanji rather nervous. She was never comfortable when men looked at her like that, in that way they did, she wasn't very good with men in general, especially when they looked down on her as they often did. Or rather, as they always did. She didn't think she would probably make a very good wife mostly because she wanted to kick all the men she met in their stupid faces.

As she sat there being all proper Sanji could feel her blood boiling under the surface of her cream cool composure, the rage was directed at Lady Robin at the moment, although she understood that she was only doing her job. Robin had cared for her like a mother since the day she had arrived in this strange place. Robin only wanted what was best for her, she knew that but that didn't make the anger any less potent, only tinged with guilt.

She wished she were down in the kitchens. She loved to cook and Zeff, the head chef, had taught her how to when he had bullied all the other young kitchen hopefuls away. Zeff was the best chef in probably the entire continent and he was as unfriendly as a wet cat. His teaching style was not for the weak of heart and despite what some people may have believed Sanji was not weak of heart. Far from it, she met all of his prickliness and violence with her own stubbornness and suppressed anger. They frequently clashed both verbally and physically but Zeff taught her all the same, and from him Sanji had learned wonderful things about cooking. She liked to think of herself as the second best chef on the continent and according to everyone she fed it wasn't just her over inflated ego.

Zeff had taught her other things besides cooking as well while Robin turned a decidedly blind eye. Robin liked to give her as many liberties as she could without being caught, of which Sanji was extremely grateful. She wasn't sure what she would do without time to do what she wanted, not what was expected of her. She would probably lose her mind.

She clenched a hand in her lap as she took a bite of an apple, feeling the hard callouses on her skin from the wielding of knives. She did not have a Lady's hands. Zeff had once been a knight, one of the best there ever were but he had lost his leg in some war Sanji didn't care to learn about so he had retired from his service. The King had tried to give him some lesser kingdom to rule, or some counsel to control but Zeff wanted to be the kitchen's head chef and that was all he wanted. So, that was what he was given in return for his services to the throne.

As a knight Zeff had had a very interesting style of fighting. He would wield his sword as well as use his feet as a method of attack. The sword was short and thin, usually just delivered the final blow, piercing the armor. The combination was deadly when executed properly. Sanji trained with him in secret while everyone thought she was just having cooking lessons. She had started the same time she started in the kitchens, while she was still just a dish washer and it didn't matter so much that her hands had blisters. After the skin was well hardened over she started cooking.

She was very good but she wished she had someone else to train with other than the old man. If she asked for a sparring partner she knew that they would go easy on her for being a girl or they would tell someone about her little secret and she would be done for. Curse secrets, they were for snakes and spiders but she was good at keeping them all the same, she had to be. The castle was full of secrets and whispers, Robin had a better ear for them than Sanji ever did.

"You're daydreaming, Sanji," Robin scolded gently, she looked amused rather than unhappy.

"Can I not be a Lady for two seconds?" Sanji sighed, she had been at this all day and it was getting terribly tedious.

Robin smiled. "You can go not be a Lady later but now you have lessons to learn, like how to hold that quick tongue of yours."

Sanji huffed, she knew that but it was still worth the effort to try getting out of it, even when the effort was feeble. They continued to practice until a girl with pumpkin colored hair came dashing into the room and pressed herself against the wall beside the door as three people ran by.

This was the young lady Nami of house Mikan. She was thirteen years of age and if Robin was like a mother, Nami was like a sister to Sanji. Nami had different troubles with being a lady, she could pull it all off but she had a habit of stealing things from whomever she was dazzling. A bit of a kleptomaniac, that one. Assembly, that was why she had ducked into this room to avid whoever it was that rushed down the corridor after her. Always in trouble, sweet Nami.

The girl was promised to the Lord current of Cocoyasi, Arlong. She had been promised to him ever since his family had taken over the city where her family had ruled for hundreds of years, they were roughly the same age and the marriage would consolidate Arlong's family's rule there.

Nami had come to the royal kingdom when she was six to learn how to be a Lady, angry and determined to never marry that fish faced loser whose family had harmed hers and taken advantage of the villages there, sucking all the wealth from them that they could. Her mother, who controversially ruled the city, had been killed in the overthrow by the fishmen but Nami's sister was probably still alive. The two of them had been separated when they castle was attacked Nami had been captured in the castle while Nojiko had escaped. They had not heard of her since.

Nami was not one to let go of any sort of slight against her, especially one where her mother had been killed. So she was a sweet poisonous little flower, ready to damage anyone who crossed her.

Sanji was right with the girl in her sentiment toward her future husband. Sanji would never wish someone like that upon darling Nami. Sanji hated the idea of an arranged marriage in general. She had always had an unrealistic view of love, she knew, but arranged marriages just seemed so cold, especially when it was to Arlong, or even worse Crocodile.

Sir Crocodile was a man who practically oozed slime, and she had heard stories about him. He was a knight but in title only, there was nothing noble or valiant about him. Not that most of the knights Sanji knew were noble or even worth the air they breathed but him most of all. He was nearly twice her age and his last wife had turned up dead, the story was that she had been killed by a drunken guard but rumors said that Crocodile was the one who split her stomach, angry that she had born him no children, or that she had insulted him and he had killed her in his rage. Either of the rumors sounded more plausible than the story according to the official report to Sanji. He had another wife before that who died in childbirth with the baby still born.

Crocodile was prone to violent outbursts, he was vile and he lacked any kind or moral compass. It had been less than a year ago that his wife had died and with Sanji's coming of age being imminent it seemed fitting to tie him to Sanji's lands. All for the sake of extending the reach of the royal family. She sometimes though that she would rather jump from one of the towers in this castle than marry that man but from the looks he gave her it wouldn't bother him one bit if she had done it or not.

Regardless of his rather alarming personality, Crocodile was rather popular with the other knights and it was said that he was unkillable. There was a story that he had once been shot directly in the forehead by a strong bowman's arrow and the thing had passed straight through him like magic. This upset Sanji because if he wasn't able to be killed than she couldn't slit his throat before they were married.

Sanji dreamed of meeting someone who wouldn't look at her like a woman but as an equal, a hard thing to find in this day and age. She wasn't about to bend to the will of some stupid prince who only wanted her for her face and her womb. She hoped that she would never flower, she was already sixteen and she had not bled, maybe the time would never come.

Sanji was grateful when Nami had rushed in, interrupting their little practice. It gave her an excuse to be distracted.

"And what are you doing here, Lady Nami?" implored Robin calmly even though it was pretty obvious what she was doing.

Nami raised her chin in offense at Robin's knowing tone. "Some knights claim that I stole a bag of coins from them while they got drunk and neglected to do their job. I say that it's not my fault when they get drunk and misplace their things, they should be more careful."

Sanji grinned at her and Robin let a small smile touch her lips. "Oh, my girls, what will I ever do with you?" she sighed, shaking her head.

"Stuff us into potato sacs and send us out of the city where you don't have to deal with us anymore," Sanji suggested, she thought that was a pretty good idea herself.

Robin smiled, "Ah, but then who would marry the prince?"

"Someone who's not me," Sanji groaned.

"Don't look at me, I won't do it." Nami shook her head. "I bet that guy kills puppies for fun," she shuddered.

Robin looked at her sharply. "You shouldn't speak so loudly, child, someone might hear you and misinterpret your joke."

Nami scowled, "Fine, but I'm not taking it back."

"Your insults to my future Lord husband are an insult upon me as well," Sanji sighed dramatically, lifting the back of her hand to her forehead and tipping her head back.

"The way I see it, the only way to escape the insult is to not marry the guy," Nami said sweetly.

"But then who would steal my land and put little monsters inside me?" That's all they wanted after all.

"Not some cold blooded, reptile Prince," Nami snorted, "What you need is a true Prince."

Sanji's eyes took on a glassy tone, though not a genuine one. "Oh, how I long to be swept off my feet and carried off with my brave, true Prince Charming," she swooned, "I'd steal his sword and clothes then run off to become a knight, leaving him for the wolves."

Nami liked that idea. "And you could pick me up to guide you across the country killing monsters." The girls grinned at each other. They had this great dream that one day Sanji would become a brave knight, an honest and just knight, and Nami would show her the way to greatness, stealing riches all along the way but Sanji would let it slide as long as it was only from people who could spare it.

They both heard Robin sigh and turned to her. "Sanji, you are free to go," Robin told her, waving a hand toward the door.

Sanji grinned and gave her thanks before she and Nami ran out the door. They both knew exactly where to go; Sanji would run to the smith and fetch the sword she kept there and Nami would run to the library and fetch war books and books about map making. Then they would run to the royal gardens.

Sanji ran as fast as she was able to in her stuffy dress and burst through the doors to Franky's smithery. Franky was a large man with bright blue hair and a very loud personality. He was one of the best iron workers in the kingdom so he had his own shop apart from the other blacksmiths employed by the royal family. Franky's specialty was in making armor, although he could also do a fair amount with swords as well.

Sanji was very glad for him, he had made her the first steel she had ever used. He was only trusted by Sanji because Robin trusted him and anyone Robin trusted must be alright because the woman always seemed to know all the secrets in the world. Sanji wondered if she wasn't some kind of super spy. If she was, then she must be good for not being caught for so long.

"Hey, Franky," Sanji said as she ran to the storage room in the back.

"Hey, little Princess," Franky laughed as she ran past him. He was in the middle of shining a newly made breastplate.

Sanji pushed open the doors to the storage room and went to the back corner for her weapons. While Zeff used a sword Sanji's weapon of choice was a dagger, two daggers more precisely. She found them easier to manage and quicker to respond with. When she found them, marked by the single small indent on the bottom of each hilt, she pulled them free of their siblings. The knives were very plain, there was no intricate detailing like the knights of the king had. She had to keep it a secret and hide it among other plain weapons or else someone might come in and want to buy it and if she was ever caught she could say she stole it from any of the smith shops in the kingdom if she wanted. Part of her wished for a fancy set of knives but she also loved the ones she had, they were the only ones she had ever known.

She had first been presented with the steel she had been peaking potatoes with a silly little pearing knife. She had been so shocked at seeing the things she had let the knife slip and cut her hand but she had been too excited to care until Zeff yelled at her for getting blood on the potato. He had told her that this dagger was much sharper than a pearing knife so she had better be careful with it. Sanji couldn't wait for the day she could have her own fancy knives and she could name them something amazing. If that day ever came, which it wasn't likely to. As it was she couldn't give the weapons names because that would only make her more attached and there was already constant threat of having them taken away.

Once Sanji had found the daggers in the storeroom she started to undo her dress. All these fancy dresses were a nightmare to get off, that's why she had to have servants dress her but she had trained herself to undo it alone. Once the layers were off she slipped into breeches and a simple tunic. Then she undid the braids in her hair and scooped it all up into a ponytail behind her head. She was all ready to go.

She stuffed her dress into a pouch, grabbed her knives, and ran out the back of Franky's smithery, shouting a quick goodbye. She ran through the maze like gardens to a little place sheltered in trees with pink leaves that had become their little area. The gardens were beautiful but this was Sanji's favorite place because it was away from the eyes of the castle.

Nami was already there with her books and maps all laid out, reading battle strategies today. She could read any kind of map but map reading and battle strategy weren't tasks for little Ladies like herself to do so she had to steal them out of the library. No one would probably miss them, Sanji thought they were probably some if the dullest books in existence.

Sanji didn't bother to say hello as she entered the little grove, she would only be interrupting. Instead, she held her knives out like she was preparing for a duel. They were smooth and steady in her hands as she cut and sliced at the air, she imagined that she was fighting some pompous knight who had insulted her honor. She enjoyed the thought of winning against him. Practicing by herself wasn't as fun as practicing with Zeff but she did what she could, improving her movement and her strength to match a boys.

Two hours passed much too quickly and she knew she had to be in the kitchens soon, so Sanji took off her more comfortable clothes and jumped into the little pond beside the trees, scaring away all the fish that had been lazily swimming through the water. It was better to smell like pond water than to smell like sweat when she went in. She washed the smell off herself, dried down best she could with her tunic and put on the many layers of her dress, although she had to have Nami's help for that. It was even harder to do when she was all wet. Nami didn't have anywhere to go until dinner so she would stay in the grove until then but Sanji was out of there.

The blond girl ran back to Franky's shop to drop off her precious blades, then ran to the kitchens, stopping only to wring more water out of her hair. Before going to the kitchens she had to change into her kitchen uniform, which was basically an apron and servant's clothes. Zeff insisted that he wouldn't teach her unless she dressed like everyone else down there and no one was about to say no to that. It was annoying to have to change into and out of so many clothes but it was necessary to keep up an image, although her servants were always irritated when she came back soaked.

There was always something to do down in the kitchens, always some banquet to prepare, or some Lord's dinner, and never enough hands to do it. Sanji the second best cook there, second only to Zeff himself, and she wouldn't let anyone forget it. She kept everyone in shape, a difficult enough task with the crew they had down there. From them she had earned herself a rather colorful vocabulary, all the more reason to hold her tongue in the presence of highborn Lords and Ladies. But she fit in with these people more so than she did with those highborns. She actually enjoyed screaming at the incompetent idiots who worked alongside of her rather than smiling stupidly through political meetings and social events.

The kitchen staff was like her second family. When she was with them they seemed to forget who she was, Sanji almost forgot too but every time she left she was reminded. Her high blood didn't stop her from teasing by Patty or Carne and it didn't stop her from kicking them both in the head and telling them to get back to work. Sword fighting and cooking were the only things that seemed to make her happy in this stupid city. She wished she had been born a low blood girl, the daughter of some baker or something. That would be much preferred to growing up to pleasure the prince because that was inevitably where her life was headed.

On this day only the dinners had to be prepared so it wasn't as busy as it sometimes could be. Sanji breezed through her work with familiar ease until it was late. She had already eaten with the kitchen servants, so she wouldn't have to suffer through another stuffy dinner pretending she was a good little lady. Once everything was cleared up Sanji began to walk back to her chambers, but at the last moment she turned down the hall to Nami's room instead, she didn't feel like getting ready for bed just yet and she wanted some good old girl talk. Although, in this case girl talk was talking about how they would escape and become outlaws rather than something stupid like boys.

Sanji knocked lightly at the door. There was a pause before the door slid open to reveal the tear stained face of Nami. Shocked, Sanji stepped inside and looked Nami over for any physical damage but saw none. A lot could happen in a few hours, so what had happened here?

"What's wrong?" She asked worriedly.

Nami closed the door and scrubbed at her face with a silky sleeve. "It's happened," she said sullenly, "I'm a woman, they're going to marry me off now."

Sanji felt her blood go cold. They had always known that this would happen but Sanji had always assumed that it would be happening to her and not to Nami first. Sanji put her arms around Nami and pulled the weeping girl close, stroked her hair to comfort her, trying to show greater confidence than she felt.

"Why Arlong?" Nami sobbed. Arlong, the cruel fifteen year old who had no business marrying Nami and Sanji wasn't about to let him have her. Why were the gods so cruel? If she went back with Arlong then she would be close enough to see her real sister again, if she was alive, but the likelihood of that actually happening was slim, with her marrying such an asshole.

"I won't let anything happen to you," Sanji promised softly, and she meant it. She wasn't sure how but she was going to make sure that one way or another Nami got out of this shitty marriage. No matter what it took, she was willing to do it for the girl who was like her little sister.

XxxX

A/N: I've been really into A Game of Thrones so that's probably why this happened. Also with always writing about dudes I don't get a lot of time to write strong female characters so this makes the feminist inside me happy to write something empowering. And it's kind of my baby.

Usually I don't like gender bent stories but I have a fondness for Fem!Sanji for whatever reason (probably her hair). I think she would be the kind of girl who is so bad with guys she would wish she liked girls but isn't attracted to them, so she's kind of screwed.

And to make Sanji fit into environment I had to mutilate his personality a little but I tried not to do too much damage. I morn for Sanji's eyebrows but I wanted to do something to strip her of her identity.

Without the power of super shoes I don't think Sanji's technique would be quite so effective in medieval times against armored knights and such. Thus, I gave him... her a daggers.

Thank you to my wonderful beta, Mary_Nine :)

One last thing, I started this story because I was talking to the wonderful maychewn about medieval Sanji and Zoro. So, thanks for inspiring me, friend.

Thanks.