Winter's Secret

Chapter 6

"Tea?"

If a single three letter word could make you wonder if the speaker was crazy, then this one was overflowing with pure insanity.

I found myself, not surprisingly, sitting at a dinner table that had seen better days, with a formerly white table cloth now irrevocably soiled by tea and jam, along with some oddly odorous stains of questionable origin that I had no desire to even attempt to identify. So, it appears I was back in my Alice in Wonderland sleepwalker spell. Thankfully, though, I was still clothed in the dark blue leather outfit Lord Kline had completed for me. I was glad to see such things transferred into the stories.

My newly acquired weapons, however, were not belted on my side, but instead hung from a black walnut coat hook that seemed an actual extension of a white birch tree off to my right. My dad, being a carpenter in name and also in occupation, had often brought home various types of wood he was working on so identifying these two, especially by their contrast, was second nature. In truth, this odd contradiction of hard and soft wood, along with opposing colors, started to boggle my mind to distraction, which was a dangerous situation for any wizard to get into. But then I recalled that from what I remembered of Wonderland, such things were normal and I let it drop.

It was also the irritation in the second voice that broke my eyes free. "How rude it is for her to not answer our host." The masculine, yet slightly dandyish, voice of the elf from Oz spoke.

Oz?

"Wait, what are you doing here?" I asked turning to look at him seated on my left hand.

"I invited him." Not as surprising, the bunny chick sat across from him on my right awash in a rather disgustingly obvious emotional state of satisfaction and exhaustion. "And let me tell you it was worth it! So, girl to girl, what do you think of the new tattoo I added to him?"

Before I could turn away, the previously naked elf, thankfully, now not completely unclothed, stood up to reveal his newest addition of body art. It looked like a deformed red arrow surrounding his navel and pointing directly downward to his newly acquired leather g-string and what lay barely hidden behind it. I can't say I ever considered the idea of a man wearing butt floss to be particularly attractive. That said, keep in mind, Chicago is generally populated by big, hairy guys so it could be an environmental thing. But, at least compared to his nakedness it was slightly less distracting.

I turned to the psycho rabbit. "Why an arrow?"

The bunny chick looked at me. "That's not an arrow." She turned to smile at him before licking her lips. "It's a heart!" I could feel her lust overcoming her sense of exhaustion. "He is now my Knavel of Hearts."

Oh, God…

Maybe the Eighth Law of Magic should forbid the mixing of magical powers and bad puns. I think that is even more important to universal harmony than screwing with the time stream.

Bunny girl had also added to her attire. In this case it was a man's white silk dress shirt, unbuttoned enough to show cleavage and barely reaching down in length to cover her to mid thigh. Below that point, and from what I could tell underneath the shirt, she wore nothing else.

She also carried what looked like a three-minute egg timer on a watch chain that connected to the shirt pocket over her left breast. It swung freely like a pendulum.

"What's with the hourglass?"

Her smile turned more lecherous, if that was possible. "Oh, I keep it around to see if I can get Knavel to beat his record. Care to know his best time?" She winked.

Thankfully, I was not forced to answer.

"Do you want tea or not?" The elf asked, obviously not wanting that subject discussed as much as I didn't. "I believe our host world like to relax as well." He nodded to the end of the table where yet another Winter Fae sat with a silver tea service before him. The shadows of the surrounding woods, and the way he was bent over searching for something in a rather large sack on his lap and mumbling obscured identifying what type of Fae he was.

"I know it is one of these…" His arms shuffled through the bag, but it was the odd raspy tone of his voice as he mumbled that struck me as odd. Fae were usually not only physically attractive, but almost always gifted with beautiful, dreamlike voices as well; though most of the things they said were the subject of nightmares. This one, however, spoke like he had two really swollen lips, or just had a root canal and was still under Novocain.

"Ah, is this the one?" He pulled an Abe Lincoln type top hat from his sack and placed it on his head before lifting his face to stare at me.

"SHIT!" I said pushing away from the table and falling over backwards in my chair in a mad scramble to put more distance between us.

The White Rabbit and Knavel of Hearts both reacted in surprise, finding their feet and looking for what had caused my reaction, but finding nothing unexpected. I could care less. It was the insane Fae in the top hat who was within an arm's reach of me before I could find my feet that I stayed focused on. His eyes and emotions overwhelming reflected the confusion and madness that I sensed when he first asked me if I desired tea, but bubbling right below that surface was violence and anger that, like lava in a waking volcano, seemed to be seeking a path to the surface.

I flicker of recognition seemed to sparkle for a moment in those eyes, well okay the one eye that was still functioning, before flittering away back into schizophrenic insanity. The other, along with a sizable section of his face, showed the poorly healing results of a recent battle he had fought and lost. But that flicker had given him a potential lifeline to his lost sanity.

"Have we met before?" He asked as he involuntarily adjusted the hat on his head to sit more comfortably. "I think I know you. Isn't your name…"

"Alice!" I answered before he could come up with the correct answer himself. "Don't you remember? I'm Alice. You sent me an invitation for tea." From what Bobbi had said, I assumed the Sleepwalker spell affected the minds of the other participants as well. I might was well try to build off of that instead of starting my own story from scratch.

He looked at me and cocked his head. "Did I?" I responded by silently pushing a bit more emotional confusion and insanity his way. It's okay. I still had a full reserve of both of my own to spare. "Then what is my name?"

"You're name?" I didn't know if this was a trap so I went with a question to stall.

"Of course, if I invited you for tea, surely I signed my name to the invitation. What is it?" As he asked me this I sensed his confusion level rise even higher. Was it possible he was looking to me for the answer? For the first time since he looked up at me I dared to hope I might live for a minute or two longer. And while honesty may be a virtue, in this case I'd willing take another bottle of vice.

"Why you're The Mad Hatter."

He looked shocked, but also a bit relieved. "I am?" He asked and I merely nodded, not trusting myself to directly lie beyond this point.

What I said was technically true.

He was obviously mad; okay, to be completely honest, he was bat-shit crazy from the get go. I am pretty sure this was accentuated further by the injury he had recently suffered.

Hats were also a big thing with him. In fact, they were more or less central to his self identity.

You see, his real name was The Redcap; a psychotic killing machine who dyed his leather beret red, made from the skin of his first victim, by soaking it in the blood of all the others he killed. From what I gathered that was a pretty long list.

He had tried really hard to add Harry to that list not long ago, and received his facial scars for those efforts. Obviously, the injuries had also resulted in some form of amnesia, which was why I was still breathing and having a conversation at the moment instead of bleeding out.

"Well then, now that that is settled, I guess we should have tea." He said righting my chair and holding it out for me to take my seat. "Please be comfortable…Alice." The name forced its way with some inherent difficulty past his tongue.

I took a seat as he wandered back to his side of the table, taking off the ridiculous top hat and placing it back in the large canvas sack. He then began to rummage through it once more.

I immediately understood that the rest of the sack's contents were most likely other types of headgear. And from my time being trained by Lea, undoubtedly his bloody beret was in there too, just waiting for him to put it on and most likely restore his memories. Fae liked to torture humans with worries like that.

Yeah, it was working.

"I thought we were having tea." I reminded him as the Knavel and Rabbit looked at the two of us and then to each other. Without a word they stood up and wandered off together behind a patch of shrubs for a bit of privacy. Sex and slaughter; that really was the extent of many Fae lives.

The former Redcap, or is it more correctly the psychotic killer formerly known as Redcap, put the sack aside. "Of course we are, how rude of me!" He said picking up the serving tray as he came over and sat down in Bunny Girl's vacated chair. He placed the tea set equally between us. "Would you care to be mother?"

Huh? I had no idea what that meant until his one good eye glanced at the tea service making me understand that this was some quaint way of asking if I cared to pour.

"I will indeed." I replied, forcing a smile, and sending a host of non-threatening emotional vibes his way.

I lifted the pot, felt it radiating heat, as he lifted his cup expectantly in both hands. I considered trying to toss the hot liquid in his face and perhaps destroy his other eye, but old fashion tea pots are not made for that particular form of violence, and I doubted I could get in more than one good swing at his head with it. Since he'd already lived through everything Harry had thrown against him, I doubted such a feeble all-or-nothing teapot attack would succeed.

So instead I poured him a cup and one for myself.

"One lump or two?" Okay I admit I had to say that line partially because of the violent image of the teapot attack still in my mind, but mostly because I had watched far too many Bugs Bunny cartoons on Saturday mornings growing up. I did smile at him.

"None, thank you." He replied trying to sip the piping hot beverage but finding it too warm still.

"Allow me." I offered politely, taking the cup from his hand and blowing on it. I could feel the china cup cool to the perfect temperature once more. Like I said, that was certainly a handy perk. I then poured myself a cup, added lots of sugar for the extra energy, and sipped as well.

"So what do you wish to talk about?" The Redcap asked.

What the heck, maybe he could even be of assistance. "Actually, I am trying to solve a riddle but I can't seem to find the answer." If these sleepwalker spells were the twisted means by which I was to learn the secret, then perhaps I needed to get the ball rolling. It couldn't leave me any worse off than I was presently.

Actually, let me retract that statement before the universe finds a way to leave me worse off than I was presently.

"Well, I fear I will be no help to you." The Mad Hatter replied. "Somehow I sense I am more a man of action, than one who ponders the secrets of the universe."

Yeah, you are so right about that.

"Drink up! I think I know of a few who could possibly help. I will take you to see one of them right away while your friends are indisposed, unless you care to wait." The way he smiled made me consider that perhaps I didn't want to meet them. I mean if the Redcap liked them, who knows what type of…

"No need to wait, we're done!" Bunny girl replied emerging from the bushes, her few shirt buttons no longer properly aligned, but wearing a triumphant smile on her face. She held up the hourglass. "And it's new record even!" The elf was not nearly as excited by this revelation, but he followed along docilely behind her.

"Well, then let me grab a hat and we will be off." Redcap said as he moved with determination for his bag.

I jumped up and literally ran past him to reach the bag before he could and pulled out the first hat my fingers touched. "Here, this will look perfect on you." I said, holding it out without even looking at it, only knowing by its feel that it wasn't a leather beret.

He looked at ne in confusion. "A football helmet?"

I looked down to see that is exactly what it was. It was green and yellow with a large 'G' inscribed on both sides. As a native girl of Chicago I was trained to hate the Green Bay Packers, but in this case I was willing to put team rivalries aside for survival sake.

"Oh yes, it is the very height of fashion right now." I nodded enthusiastically and held it out further to him. "Even the President himself wears these to meet foreign leaders and kings these days."

"Well, if he does, then it must be the correct choice." Redcap nodded and placed the helmet on his head. Then he reached down and scooped up the large sack. "But I better bring the rest along just in case."

Of course you will…

"Let us not tarry." He smiled walking toward a path that seemed to open in the forest before us. "There is so much to do, and so little time."

Bunny Girl laughed. "I can so agree with that!" She looked first to me, and then to the elf, displaying a wicked smile, and followed right after Redcap. The elf went next, seemingly humbled, and I followed last to keep my eyes on all three of them.

Our path through the woods took way too long for my tastes, probably because I kept expecting things to jump out at me from behind every tree I passed. If you are unaware, there are a lot of trees in the woods.

We did see other creatures, mostly sprites and other small faerie folk, but they generally avoided us. I'm pretty sure Redcap was the reason for this, though Bunny Girl did snatch one that flew too close to her right out of the air and decapitated the little creature with a single bite, before eating the rest rather noisily as we wandered on. From that point on we were given a wide berth.

Finally, we opened up into a meadow that, again not surprisingly, had a giant mushroom on seeming display in the very center. A chimney rose up from the top and was cheerfully smoking like some odd cottage house for a Hobbit or something similar. Truth be told, that image was more or less what I was expecting from this weird dream. Though as we got closer someone turned the weirdness volume up a notch; literally, by adding a soundtrack.

No, it wasn't Jefferson Airplane either.

"We're so sorry…Uncle Albert…

We're so sorry if we cause you any pain…

We're so sorry…Uncle Albert…

But there's no one left at home and I believe it's going to rain…"

Annoyingly, but on cue, the sky suddenly opened up and doused the four of us. God, I hate parts of the Nevernever that act like this. Thankfully, after a brisk run, we made it under the cap of the mushroom and used that as a makeshift umbrella. On the downside, the rain sank the smoke down around us and the unforgettable smell of burning rope made sure I knew just what was burning.

"We're so sorry…Uncle Albert…

But if anything should happen, we'll be sure to give a ring…"

Redcap pressed on a bulbous part of the mushroom stalk and it rang just like a doorbell as the song suggested. Of course it did. I was already getting a slight buzz from the smoke so I just went with it.

As we waited for someone to answer the music continued, changing to the really annoying British voice with the echo effect.

"We're so sorry…Uncle Albert…

But we haven't done a blood thing all day…

We're so sorry…Uncle Albert…

But the kettle's on the boil, and we're so easily called away…"

The mushroom began to sway in time with the music, or at least it appeared to. I wasn't sure because I was actually hoping the mouths that opened up on the stalk to sing harmony were just a delusion. Sure singing was no threat, but mouths often had teeth.

"Yeah…

Yeah…

Yeah…

Yeah…

Then they started singing in two part harmony. Wow this was some potent smoke.

Does anyone know, is it even possible to get high in a dream?

Mouths on the right side of the door. "Hands…across the water…"

Left side. "Water…"

Right side. "Heads…across the sky…"

Repeat, but in reverse.

Left side. "Hands…across the water…"

Right side. "Water…"

Left side. "Heads…across the sky…"

I have no doubt you might find this funny, but considering I was on a time crunch to stay alive, and dealing with the Redcap, it wasn't. And I was also starting to get really woozy from the smoke.

So, of course, it was time for our host to enter the scene. I could hear the owner of the mushroom house singing even before the otherwise concealed door began opening in the stalk before us. The added trumpets that joined the music promoted the dull pain building in my ears to a full-fledged headache that seemed to be personally calling my name "Molly?" before his singing overtook it.

"Admiral Halsey notified me…

He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sea…

I had another look and I had a cup of tea

And a butter pie…"

A feminine mouth of the left. "Butter pie?'

A drunken, masculine mouth on the right. "The butter all melts so put it in the pie…"

Just in case I missed it the first time, the stinging stalk repeated itself.

Mouths on the right side of the door. "Hands…across the water…"

Left side. "Water…"

Right side. "Heads…across the sky…"

Repeat, but in reverse.

Left side. "Hands…across the water…"

Right side. "Water…"

Left side. "Heads…across the sky…"

The door opened and our host finished off, looking past the others, who I'd like to think looked stranger than I did, and straight at me. Of course, he kept right on singing.

"Live a little, be a gypsy get around…get around…

Get your feet up off the ground

Live a little, get around

Live a little, be a gypsy get around…get around…

Get your feet up off the ground

Live a little, get around

If you are anything like me you are expecting some variation of a caterpillar. I mean, that is the whole essence of the Alice storyline. Yeah, not so much in this case. It was instead…

Oh wait, sorry the song hasn't ended…Back to you scary, singing mouths in the mushroom stem.

Mouths on the right side of the door. "Hands…across the water…"

Left side. "Water…"

Right side. "Heads…across the sky…"

Repeat, but in reverse.

Left side. "Hands…across the water…"

Right side. "Water…"

Left side. "Heads…across the sky…"

Fade out….

As I was saying, the owner of the house was not a hookah smoking caterpillar, Instead it was no less than Albert Einstein, frizzy hair and all, dressed in 70s disco attire, and holding a long Bavarian pipe from which it appeared all the smoke seemed to be originating.

"I just love da Beetles, don't you?" He said with an infectious smile.

I don't know if it was the smoke, or just his appearance, but I was suddenly much more at ease. It was like looking at my grandfather, well that was if my grandfather was a drugged out ex-hippie.

His smile was so overwhelming that I did not have the heart to tell him that this song was actually by Paul McCartney and Wings from after the Beatles broke up. I may occasionally be called upon to kill people, but I didn't have the heart to destroy his dreams like that.

"Uuuummm, yeah they are great." I replied not knowing what else to say about it. There was a swirl of other thoughts going through my mind that demanded addressing first, starting with. "Are you really Albert Einstein?"

He smiled. "No my dear." He said and shimmered to change into what looked like an old English gentleman that looked a lot like the pictures of Sir Issac Newton. "I am merely the physical representation of the sum of scientific knowledge." He said and in a moment transformed into an elderly, bifocal-wearing image of Benjamin Franklin, but still holding his pipe.

"Wait, the sum of scientific knowledge lives in a giant mushroom, smokes a pipe, and listens to Beatles music?"

"Yes, is there a problem?" He looked at me and winked.

"Nope, not at all." Actually, there were so many as to be mindboggling so I just put it all aside as if this were an everyday occurrence.

"Excellent, so what can I do for you?' He asked. But before I could answer my companions interrupted me.

"Can we borrow a room?" Bunny girl asked grabbing the elf by the arm and pulling him right past Mr. Franklin and into the house without waiting for an answer. "I promise we will be quick!" She called as she headed down the hallway and turned right into the first room.

"Wait that is the kitchen…" Ben called.

"Perfect!" Was a muffled response before the door slammed.

When he turned back to look at me, I was fortunate the awkward silence was broken instead by Redcap.

"Alice here has a riddle." He explained. "And since you know everything there is to know, I thought maybe you could solve it for her."

"Oh, of course." He answered as he stepped back to let us enter. "Can I offer you something to eat?"

As if on cue, there was a loud crash of pots and pans falling over in the kitchen. Ben turned his head in worry and then looked back to me. "No, I'm good thanks."

He shook his head in resignation. He also did not seem hungry at the moment which was probably a first considering what he was smoking. "Okay, so what is this great mystery you need to solve?"

I had nothing to lose by being honest so I decided that was the best approach. "I am looking for the secret of winter." My life did not immediately end so I figured this was expected in this dream.

"The secret of winter?" He seemed perplexed. "Are you seeking to understand why it snows? Or why there are ice ages?" He tried to clarify. "Is it a temperature-related question, or are you focused on the seasonal aspects of planetary elliptical orbits?"

Wow, those were all issues related to winter, but I'm pretty sure not the ones I was seeking. I don't mean to judge, but Maeve didn't strike me as a science geek and she had found the answer.

"Ummm, I don't think…" Another large crash of cookware interrupted me. Just how many pots and pans does one old man require? "I think it has to do with the Winter Court of Fae, not the season." I explained. Yet another final, and even louder, crash seemed to signal the completion of activities. Yeah, I hope old Ben can order out for pizza while he cleans up in there.

This dream was such a twisted spell!

"Oh, you are speaking of magic." Ben replied. "I am sorry but I'm a source of scientific knowledge only." The door to the kitchen opened up and the pair of Fae, a bit worse for wear, came strolling back into the room. "The Courts are all magic…" He looked at the pair. "…and emotion. They are not bound by science or reasoning."

"So you cannot help her?" Redcap asked.

"No, I am afraid I cannot." Ben said regretfully. I started to turn to go back outside. "But I think I know one who can…"

I turned to look back and question him with my eyes.

He finished his thought.

"His name is…"