Title: Welcome To Harry's World of Angst
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
Snape entered Dumbledore's office with much trepidation. A summons like this in the midst of the summer holiday couldn't be good. Well, not unless it meant...he'd finally been accpeted for the much coveted DADA position! Yes, that must be it!
"Have a seat, Severus," greeted the Headmaster good-naturedly. "Would you care for a rocket pop?"
"No thank-you, Headmaster." Snape sat, hardly able to contain himself. This *had* to mean he was going to be the new DADA professor!
"How is your holiday coming along?"
"Very well, Headmaster." It was coming! Snape could feel it! The great announcement!
"Severus...I hate to ask you to do this, but the other teachers are very conveniently not available for this part in the plot. Would you please go and check up on Harry for me? I realize this has never been done before, but I just get the strangest notions in my old age."
"Euh-heh. Heh." Snape couldn't laugh. This was not funny. This was not happening! "Come again, Headmaster?"
"Indulge an old man's whim, Severus. That's a good lad. Here, give Harry this rocket pop and my regards when you see him. Off with you!"
Meanwhile...
"Oooooooooooh," Harry groaned in the feeblest of feeble tones. He had only eaten half a cracker upon arriving at the Dursley's a month ago. His back was agonizingly sore from being used as a tic-tac-toe board for Vernon and Dudley Dursley's vulgar amusement. Harry wished they'd stop using the butterknife and go back to the sharper steak knife. Poor Hedgwig had nearly forgotten how to fly she'd been caged up for so long. Things were just terrible! Oh how Harry missed Hogwarts. He just wanted to die! And he was naked! Oh, the humanity!
Snape arrived at the Dursley's, and pressed the doorbell with his wand. Petunia answered the door and gaped at him with bulging eyes.
"Greetings, madam. Would you like to buy a rocket pop?" Snape produced Dumbledore's rocket pop as a token of his profession. "It's for a good cause," Snape added.
"Who's at the door, Petunia," roared a voice so rude you just wanted to stomp it's owner to death. "We don't want any," roared Vernon Dursley, filling up the doorway with his enormous ass.
"I smell candy!" Dudley shook the entire block as he slowly made his way toward the door.
Snape rolled his eyes. Why had he even bothered? Obviously he had only done this to show how much the Dursleys deserve to be eradicated from the face of the planet. He apparates into Harry's room, by sheer luck, and tries to adjust to the atmospheric dim light.
"Professor Snape? Help me, I'm naked," croaks a very weak and waifish Harry.
"Well, put some clothes on, you perverted boy. Here, take your silly rocket pop."
"Professor...Dudley ate my clothes...and he sodomised me with my wand."
"I hope Albus kicks himself hard when I inform him of this," mutters a frustrated Snape. "Very well, Potter, you may wear my shirt. I'll be right back."
Harry puts Snape's shirt on and sucks on the rocket pop while Snape goes back downstairs, and punishes the Dursley's with a magic cattle prod. They are never heard from again as they have now been conveniently written out of the plot.
Fastforward a few months...
Hermione is Head Girl, and her beauty is only second to that adorable Ginny Weasley, or is that vice versa? Anyway, Draco is undergoing therapy after his father forces him to witness a Death Eater gang bang orgy/quadruple muggle murder spree as part of his initiation to the dark side of the force. No one is quite able to figure out why Malfoy screams whenever he sees puppets. Normally, there are no puppets at Hogwarts, but in these dark times a competent DADA teacher is hard to come by, you see.
Remus and Sirius are gay lovers living down in the basement. This makes Snape angry. The DADA puppet/professor is a charming and witty dinner companion who makes lighthearted conversation about the art of body hair. This makes Snape angry.
Voldemort shows up during a touchig therapy session where Draco declares his love for Hermione, who declares her love for Ron, who loves Harry, who loves Ginny, who loves Snape, who burns with a secret fiery passion for Albus Dumbledore. Remus, who is conducting the therapy session, is so enraged by Voldemort's interruption that he transforms into a werewolf despite it being high noon, and a waning crescent.
"Harry, this is your moment to shine," announces Hermione, because she's always saying clever things.
"Kill him for me, my love," says Ron, who then comes to his senses and stutters, "Y-You-k-now-ww-who! Arrrrgh! Run!"
"Stop being such a pussy, Ron," says sexy, bisexual Sirius from the couch, lighting a cigarette. Sirius has Turret's Syndrome 99.9 percent of the time, but he's getting help, so that's good.
Voldemort is then defeated by Ginny Weasley's cute little shimmering pink thong. There's a lot of slick lighting effects, and Voldemort is vanquished. Everybody cheers and begin to talk in nineteenth century english. Dumbledore sends out for 20,000 kegs of Firewhiskey. This is very good. In the midst of their drunken carousing, everyone kisses and makes up for all the wrongs in their past lives, and says how wonderful a couple everyone would be with one another. It's just so damn slap happy you want to vomit, and you pray for a militia of Death Eaters to rush in and put everybody out of their misery. This, of course, does not happen, and there's another 200 pages of borderline smut because we aren't allowed good old fashion pornography anymore.
Things now become twisted because even the author is sick of all the damn sticky sweet goodness. Dark and twisted themes arise out of the cracks in the basement, despite Voldemort's death. Draco is now pregnant with Remus' lovechild. Snape turns out to be Harry's father and James' secret lover in a passion that was never meant to be. Somehow Sirius is involved, though he's usually too drunk to know what year it is. Lily turns out to have been quite the little tart in her school days; she even did it with Professor Binns, and that's what finally killed the old bastard. Filch has now taken to murmuring suspiciously with the DADA puppet, who turns out to be a reincarnated Voldemort to the nth power!
Luckily, Hermione has been studying to become a master at sex magic, and this helps to save the day yet again. This makes Snape angry, for it is he who secretly wanted to be known as the sex magic master, but he starts a complex relationship with Hermione, and that's okay. So, in the end it all turns out okay until the sequal, which goes into full depth coverage of every single person who had a secret romance with the strangely alluring DADA puppet. This sequal will be entitled: The Puppet Master. It will be rated R. Now all the readers have this concept to give them nightmares of anticipation about sex with inanimate objects, only since this is the wizarding world, the puppet has a mind of it's own, and it's quite a naughty mind, I must say. Until then, dear reader...
Yes, the story finishes with a chilling cliffhanger that has all readers biting their toenails in anticipation.
~FIN~
A/N: Once again, I offer no apoligies for the sudden change in verb tense. Hey, lots these cliche fics have this, it's all the rage, you know.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
Snape entered Dumbledore's office with much trepidation. A summons like this in the midst of the summer holiday couldn't be good. Well, not unless it meant...he'd finally been accpeted for the much coveted DADA position! Yes, that must be it!
"Have a seat, Severus," greeted the Headmaster good-naturedly. "Would you care for a rocket pop?"
"No thank-you, Headmaster." Snape sat, hardly able to contain himself. This *had* to mean he was going to be the new DADA professor!
"How is your holiday coming along?"
"Very well, Headmaster." It was coming! Snape could feel it! The great announcement!
"Severus...I hate to ask you to do this, but the other teachers are very conveniently not available for this part in the plot. Would you please go and check up on Harry for me? I realize this has never been done before, but I just get the strangest notions in my old age."
"Euh-heh. Heh." Snape couldn't laugh. This was not funny. This was not happening! "Come again, Headmaster?"
"Indulge an old man's whim, Severus. That's a good lad. Here, give Harry this rocket pop and my regards when you see him. Off with you!"
Meanwhile...
"Oooooooooooh," Harry groaned in the feeblest of feeble tones. He had only eaten half a cracker upon arriving at the Dursley's a month ago. His back was agonizingly sore from being used as a tic-tac-toe board for Vernon and Dudley Dursley's vulgar amusement. Harry wished they'd stop using the butterknife and go back to the sharper steak knife. Poor Hedgwig had nearly forgotten how to fly she'd been caged up for so long. Things were just terrible! Oh how Harry missed Hogwarts. He just wanted to die! And he was naked! Oh, the humanity!
Snape arrived at the Dursley's, and pressed the doorbell with his wand. Petunia answered the door and gaped at him with bulging eyes.
"Greetings, madam. Would you like to buy a rocket pop?" Snape produced Dumbledore's rocket pop as a token of his profession. "It's for a good cause," Snape added.
"Who's at the door, Petunia," roared a voice so rude you just wanted to stomp it's owner to death. "We don't want any," roared Vernon Dursley, filling up the doorway with his enormous ass.
"I smell candy!" Dudley shook the entire block as he slowly made his way toward the door.
Snape rolled his eyes. Why had he even bothered? Obviously he had only done this to show how much the Dursleys deserve to be eradicated from the face of the planet. He apparates into Harry's room, by sheer luck, and tries to adjust to the atmospheric dim light.
"Professor Snape? Help me, I'm naked," croaks a very weak and waifish Harry.
"Well, put some clothes on, you perverted boy. Here, take your silly rocket pop."
"Professor...Dudley ate my clothes...and he sodomised me with my wand."
"I hope Albus kicks himself hard when I inform him of this," mutters a frustrated Snape. "Very well, Potter, you may wear my shirt. I'll be right back."
Harry puts Snape's shirt on and sucks on the rocket pop while Snape goes back downstairs, and punishes the Dursley's with a magic cattle prod. They are never heard from again as they have now been conveniently written out of the plot.
Fastforward a few months...
Hermione is Head Girl, and her beauty is only second to that adorable Ginny Weasley, or is that vice versa? Anyway, Draco is undergoing therapy after his father forces him to witness a Death Eater gang bang orgy/quadruple muggle murder spree as part of his initiation to the dark side of the force. No one is quite able to figure out why Malfoy screams whenever he sees puppets. Normally, there are no puppets at Hogwarts, but in these dark times a competent DADA teacher is hard to come by, you see.
Remus and Sirius are gay lovers living down in the basement. This makes Snape angry. The DADA puppet/professor is a charming and witty dinner companion who makes lighthearted conversation about the art of body hair. This makes Snape angry.
Voldemort shows up during a touchig therapy session where Draco declares his love for Hermione, who declares her love for Ron, who loves Harry, who loves Ginny, who loves Snape, who burns with a secret fiery passion for Albus Dumbledore. Remus, who is conducting the therapy session, is so enraged by Voldemort's interruption that he transforms into a werewolf despite it being high noon, and a waning crescent.
"Harry, this is your moment to shine," announces Hermione, because she's always saying clever things.
"Kill him for me, my love," says Ron, who then comes to his senses and stutters, "Y-You-k-now-ww-who! Arrrrgh! Run!"
"Stop being such a pussy, Ron," says sexy, bisexual Sirius from the couch, lighting a cigarette. Sirius has Turret's Syndrome 99.9 percent of the time, but he's getting help, so that's good.
Voldemort is then defeated by Ginny Weasley's cute little shimmering pink thong. There's a lot of slick lighting effects, and Voldemort is vanquished. Everybody cheers and begin to talk in nineteenth century english. Dumbledore sends out for 20,000 kegs of Firewhiskey. This is very good. In the midst of their drunken carousing, everyone kisses and makes up for all the wrongs in their past lives, and says how wonderful a couple everyone would be with one another. It's just so damn slap happy you want to vomit, and you pray for a militia of Death Eaters to rush in and put everybody out of their misery. This, of course, does not happen, and there's another 200 pages of borderline smut because we aren't allowed good old fashion pornography anymore.
Things now become twisted because even the author is sick of all the damn sticky sweet goodness. Dark and twisted themes arise out of the cracks in the basement, despite Voldemort's death. Draco is now pregnant with Remus' lovechild. Snape turns out to be Harry's father and James' secret lover in a passion that was never meant to be. Somehow Sirius is involved, though he's usually too drunk to know what year it is. Lily turns out to have been quite the little tart in her school days; she even did it with Professor Binns, and that's what finally killed the old bastard. Filch has now taken to murmuring suspiciously with the DADA puppet, who turns out to be a reincarnated Voldemort to the nth power!
Luckily, Hermione has been studying to become a master at sex magic, and this helps to save the day yet again. This makes Snape angry, for it is he who secretly wanted to be known as the sex magic master, but he starts a complex relationship with Hermione, and that's okay. So, in the end it all turns out okay until the sequal, which goes into full depth coverage of every single person who had a secret romance with the strangely alluring DADA puppet. This sequal will be entitled: The Puppet Master. It will be rated R. Now all the readers have this concept to give them nightmares of anticipation about sex with inanimate objects, only since this is the wizarding world, the puppet has a mind of it's own, and it's quite a naughty mind, I must say. Until then, dear reader...
Yes, the story finishes with a chilling cliffhanger that has all readers biting their toenails in anticipation.
~FIN~
A/N: Once again, I offer no apoligies for the sudden change in verb tense. Hey, lots these cliche fics have this, it's all the rage, you know.