THE GEISHA HOUSE

Okay, I don't watch the Nick cartoon or anything, but I heard that baby Karai offered Leo a cucumber because she thought he was a kappa. I was all ARGH! I totally wrote all these kappa cucumber gags before that episode aired! I am not kidding. I feel so cheated. It was like canonized after I wrote it, but before I could publish it or something. Anyway...

"Do you have your cover story down?" Cherry asked as she fussed with her hair, wondering if it made her look more like Marge Simpson than a geisha. "You're supposed to be an important and experienced man. Not a blushing virgin in this scenario. So don't stammer and drop things every time a girl rubs up on you. It's sexy, but totally unhelpful at the moment."

Leonardo rolled his eyes and pulled the brush out of her hair. He glanced at a picture of a vintage geisha hanging on the wall and she felt her hair pulled up into several plaits as he tried to copy the hairstyle on the photograph. "I can handle pretending that I'm socially competent for a while. I'll pretend to be Mikey. That's how I normally do it. I think, 'How would Mike act in this situation?' and then I try to dull it down a lot so that I don't look crazy. And can you remember that you're spying and not doing research? Don't ask the Japanese businessmen about their sex lives or subsistence patterns or offer them free lap dances for information."

Cherry winced as she watched Leonardo miraculously sculpt her hair into the perfect example of a blonde geisha, pulling her hair in the process. "Hey, I think the free lap dance would work if the facility owner is a dude. How do you know how to do hair, precious?"

"It's just simple procedure. It isn't that hard. Your hair smells very good, by the way," he said and then rummaged in a drawer for flowers and hair accessories.

She grabbed them from his hands and randomly stuck them into her perfect hair. "Thanks. I washed it. How did you manage to get owner of this place so friendly when you're..."

"So ugly...?" he muttered darkly. Leonardo pulled out his phone and clicked a rapid text as he inspected the surroundings. "I told them I'm a kappa. It's like a mischievous Japanese water spirit. So I expect they'll feed me a lot of cucumbers and warn me not to rape their women..."

"Oh, so you're playing on their superstitions! That's very smart! Do you look like a kappa?" She pulled out a jar of white make up and dabbed it on her cheeks. "I'm going to look like that guy from KISS."

Leonardo didn't respond for a few seconds and finally said, "Well, being thought of as a water demon is much better than how I'm usually seen by humans." He corrected the haphazardly placed ornaments in her hair as she applied makeup. He said, "Now I'll be right there in the room. So... don't worry. I mean, geisha just sing and dance and act friendly. They converse and amuse men."

Cherry stopped applying makeup and watched as he fidgeted with a flower in her hair. "What's the worry? All you have to do is drink some sake and ask innocently probing questions of the patrons."

Cherry heard a text alert and rummaged in her open backpack for her phone. Her screen showed a text that read DONATELLO: this animal won't be quiet. I just gave it some tranquilizers.

She scoffed and showed Leonardo the text message from his brother. He seized her phone with an annoyed huff and typed a long text message in response, reprimanding his brother for drugging his dependent. "What's this?" Leonardo asked, still looking at her phone. "DAD says that he misses you and he's sorry for leaving you. Does someone use your father's phone? That sounds awfully mushy for Diane. I got the feeling that she'll do well in a zombie apocalypse."

Cherry's heart beat against her chest wall and she grabbed the phone from his hand. "How am I supposed to know? Why are you reading my personal texts? It's the name I listed the guy I'm sleeping with that I never told you about! So that nosy alien ninjas don't know that I have a boyfriend! Don't read my phone!"

Leonardo handed her back the phone and then pulled his own phone out of his gear and handed that to her also. "I know that's your dad's old phone number and it was disconnected less than a week ago. When did you start getting texts from this imaginary boyfriend of yours? It was recent, wasn't it? Unless your father masterminded his own death like Tom Sawyer, then this is a trick of some kind and you should tell me when it happens again. Understand?" He hovered darkly, waiting for passive acceptance of his decree.

Cherry looked at her phone and read DAD'S text message again. "Sure. Maybe I'll read all your private messages while I'm at it to be even."

Leonardo sighed and put his hands on her shoulders. "I don't mean to cross boundaries. It's just very suspicious and I don't like the idea of someone or something jerking you around in a way that I know will hurt you. Go ahead and read my phone messages. It's nothing but texts to my brothers and sister about the task at hand. Oh, there are some embarrassing messages between myself and Karai arguing about honor and her loyalty that make me look pretty stupid. So go ahead and enjoy them. It is my penance." Leonardo worked his fingers into her shoulders as he babbled. He said, "Just be polite and friendly and make small talk and be charming with the men in the geisha house." He kneaded a little harder and glanced nervously at the door. "I don't mean to insinuate that you aren't normally charming, but don't talk about men paying you to put diapers on them or things like that. Smile and nod and giggle, I think. Normally, I wouldn't go along with an undercover plan in a place of such disrepute and put you in such a dishonorable situation, but this is an emergency. If the owner of this Geisha House is connected to that facility that employs the scientist that Raph is currently holding hostage, then we may be able to corner him and get a location or information on their plans. I'd like to find him as soon as possible and persuade him to give me the information that I need." They both watched their reflections in the mirror as he massaged her shoulders. He added lamely, "That means I'd rather beat someone up than entertain women... I just thought I'd..." He swallowed as if his throat were full of sand, "...make that clear..."

Cherry turned around to look him in the eye, brushing away his massage. "Well, either way you'll get to fight or flirt, so I guess the possible outcomes are both positive for you." She pictured a simpering geisha giggling at Leonardo and unintentionally slammed their phones onto the makeup table. "Are you worried that I can't handle being a demure lady for a few hours? What do you think I do every night at work? I giggle and smile and pretend that I'm interested." Cherry affected a flirty laugh and ran her hand down Leonardo's side. "See, it isn't hard."

He took a step backwards and crossed his arms. "Well, you see, I'm not sure what they really expect out of you here. These aren't real geishas. This is an American establishment pretending that they have geishas. And in the past that might mean that they... um... they might expect... It isn't out of the question..."

"Why are you fumbling like that?" Cherry asked as she pulled off her shirt and then inspected a pink kimono, thinking it looked like a finely embroidered tent. "You mean it's a Japanese themed whore-house pretty much? Don't worry. I won't let a scary hooker grab you or anything. Woah, I am totally stealing some of these bras to replace the one that Dragonborn stole. I'll leave some cash on the makeup table."

Leonardo turned around and hid his blushing eyes as she rummaged through a rack of bras and put one on.

"You can look if you like," she said. "I know from experience that you do."

"I have to get ready to patronize the establishment. I paid for a reservation," Leonardo said and then swung his arms awkwardly as if he couldn't figure out what to do with them. "I paid for the highest level of service and whatever that entails. It seemed only fitting since I bragged about my wealth. So... we'll see how this goes..." He swallowed hard again and then tightened all of the buckles on his gear for no apparent reason.

Cherry turned the kimono over and over, trying to tell the arm hole apart from the neck hole. "Did you pay for a hooker?! What were you thinking? I guess it might be a good chance to get some good information while she's straddling you."

"I'm not going to do anything!" he hissed. "I need to go. This is the neck hole. Remember that you're ladylike and refined and that some ancient billionaire probably paid ten thousand dollars to take your virginity."

Cherry pulled the kimono out of his overly helpful hands. "Yeah, yeah. I've seen Memoirs of a Geisha. I've got it. Get going. You have work to do too."

Leonardo slipped out the door with his insulted nose in the air, his form full of the grace of a trained and deadly warrior. Cherry wondered if it would have been a better idea for Leonardo to be the geisha instead.

Cherry spent more than an hour applying makeup and then asked another geisha for help applying it on the back of her neck.

The geisha asked, "Don't you normally apply it yourself, as the rituals require?" She applied the white makeup on the back of Cherry's neck with a steady and delicate hand.

"Uh... I have a palsy. So I get a dispensation from my ordnung..." Cherry thought that she'd possibly mixed up geishas with the Amish, but hoped that the girl didn't notice. Then she remembered that she needed to investigate the owner and whereabouts of the scientific facility and said, "So being a geisha in New York must have financial benefits. I'm looking to branch out. I mean, I want to get a part time job, but I spend so much time on my damn hair that I think I need to quit and go into another business."

"Do you?" the geisha asked. "But I would think that being a blonde and blue eyed American would give you great favor with the men in this place as a curiosity."

Cherry grumbled and then bit her lip, remembering the cruel insinuations flung at Leonardo based on nothing but his appearance and decided that she wouldn't pitch a fit because someone had called her blonde. "Do you know of any other businesses around here that might be worth checking out?"

"Oh, no! I never look to anything else. I am so very happy to work here," the geisha said in a small and prim voice that made Cherry want to slap her. "My father is a fisherman and ever since I was a child I have admired the maiko in Kyoto. Every day my father sent me to the market to buy the bread for dinner. Between my parents and the seven of us children it was not much. But now I am able to send money to them and I am grateful for what I have." She wiped away a tear.

"You couldn't just get a job at McDonald's or something back in Kyoto?" Cherry asked, sneering.

The geisha stuck a jade pin in Cherry's hair and stabbed her in the scalp. "No, I do not know of any local opportunities better than this. Did you see the green kappa client?"

"Yeah, he has nice toned thighs right?" Cherry asked, thinking that the geishas were probably all starving actresses from New Jersey pretending to be extras from Memoirs of a Geisha.

The geisha giggled and covered her mouth. "I'm afraid to entertain the kappa. He did pay for a night upstairs. But it may be exciting to be with one so savage as a kappa."

"Oh..." Cherry groaned, after overcoming the urge to tell the geisha off for calling Leonardo savage. Cherry wasn't worried being alone upstairs with a pawing Japanese businessman, but more worried about Leonardo having a panic attack when he found himself trapped alone in a room with a woman trying to deflower him.

"I think my hair is good for now," Cherry said, coldly waving the geisha away. "I need to psyche myself up for game time now."

The geisha bowed and smiled, then shuffled gracefully to a table to fix her elegant hair.

"Stupid geishas," Cherry muttered to herself as she rummaged in her backpack to find Leonardo's phone to waste the hour before tea time.

Most of the texts were to his family, giving specific orders or receiving reports on evil-doing and requests for battle commands. The other half of the texts from his brothers openly made fun of him for many adolescent reasons. Most the recent teasing revolved around his ability to score with a hot blonde to save the world and what they should all write on their epitaphs since the world would clearly end if it relied on their brother being charismatic with a pretty girl. She read the text messages between himself and Karai and laughed. It started with epic proclamations about familial vengeance and devolved into Leonardo declaring, "I am not immature! Am not!" And then the conversation ended.

Most of his recent texts were to Cherry and she felt a little surge of pride. She glanced around the room and decided to sneak a look at his browsing history. It wasn't snooping, but an anthropological investigation into his alien origins and culture.

The oldest entries mostly had to do with Foot Clan and Purple Dragon activity, various crime reports, Japanese language, online shopping for an older man and then a frenzy of browsing as of yesterday. She realized that the change in theme began at the same time that they met up with his brother Donatello and had a battle plan session about his suspicions that an evil scientist interested in Chaos had associates with a nearby Geisha House. Leonardo had looked up information on the Geisha House and the owner of the establishment and the contact information for the Geisha House, but then he looked at ten separate websites containing nothing but love poems and then moved on to old Cosmopolitan articles about sex.

Cherry closed his phone and threw it back into the backpack as if it might explode. So he'd researched love poetry and sex right after making contact with a Geisha House and buying a night with a geisha-themed prostitute? Her face melted with heat. So he planned to straddle his whore for information all along? Well, she shouldn't be surprised. Men were all the same whether or not they were kappa, alien or human after all.

A middle aged Japanese woman wearing a large geisha wig and a sour expression clapped her hands at them and ordered them to put on their shoes and get ready to entertain the men in room six.

Cherry grabbed her wooden platform shoes and then stumbled behind a screen, making her way as quietly as she could in wooden platforms to a group of giggling women. She'd heard one of them said that the kappa was in Room Eight as they helped fasten up their gear. "Where is your obi?" one of the girls asked, pointing at Cherry's midsection. "You must wear an obi or you can't go out. Who here read the sports page today? My boyfriend took the sports page before I could read it."

One of the girls produced a newspaper and they crowded around it, looking at headlines and the day's financial news as Cherry pulled a long piece of cloth off a shelf. It was covered in delicate floral details and she rolled her eyes, thinking she looked like a ridiculous anime character. Sakura, the snarky geisha. She glanced at the back door marked EXIT and for a brief panicky moment, considered abandoning Leonardo and running away.

But she couldn't leave him to be molested by a geisha themed prostitute and demanded that one of the other girls put on her obi since her ordnung had given her special dispensation to ask for help dressing herself too.

Cherry followed the other girls into the hallway to a room with a shoji panel door decorated with a painting of a cherry tree in bloom. She scoffed and realized that Leonardo must have chosen this room on purpose to make fun of her. One of the geishas slid the screen back and Cherry shuffled in, her wooden shoes sliding on the floor much more loudly than her companions.

Leonardo sat on his knees, straight and smiling, with a cup of sake in his hand, laughing at a middle aged Japanese man's joke. She tried not to look too hard at him and copied the bowing and scraping feminine behavior of her counterparts, while cursing patrimonial societies.

After a few more minutes of vague male laughter and Japanese talk from the men that she didn't understand, she heard Leonardo say, "There are some very pretty girls with us now!"

A girl hobbled daintily to Leonardo and sat next to him, pressing up against him. He said something silky in Japanese and got a refined giggle from his geisha. Cherry sat next to the loudest Japanese business man, deciding he would probably be the easiest to please and poured him another drink, copying Leonardo's geisha.

One of the businessman said, "Maybe we should keep an eye on the women, kappa-san. You have a wicked reputation with them."

Leonardo scowled for a second and then smiled and said, "I have been appeased with cucumbers, so I think I can manage myself for the time being. But thank you for your concern for my well-known propensity for violent rape and for publicizing it. I'm sure that the ladies are glad to be warned." He gave a small bow and went back to his cucumbers.

"I meant no offense! I was being funny!" the loudest man said, pointing at him with a chop stick. "And you have two girls all for yourself now and we all only get one. And mine is blonde!" he said, with noticeable disgust.

Cherry couldn't figure out how a small brained female should react to this insult, so she decided to pretend she didn't understand that she'd been insulted and giggled.

"What is your name, blonde one?" Leonardo asked as he put an arm around both of his geishas, who looked as if they were both paralyzed with indecision as to whether or not they should be happy about his contact.

"My name is Sakura, kappa-san," she said, smiling stupidly and pouring more sake. "Does kappa-san like blondes?"

"No, kappa-san usually likes Japanese girls," Leonardo said and took a sip of his sake.

Cherry suddenly wondered if he'd already been plied with sake several times before she came in the room and hoped that he remembered to direct the conversation towards evil scientists who employed ninjas as security, unless his teenage hormones were already stirring in a monsoon of anticipation of quality time with one of the geishas. He liked Japanese girls?

"Why do you look so much at the kappa?" the businessman asked Cherry.

She sighed and forced herself to stop staring at Leonardo as he smiled at his weak minded geisha. Cherry replayed her mental fantasy in her head. It concluded with Cherry knocking his geisha over the head with a metal plate and kissing him so hard that his ancestors felt it. But in reality, Leonardo subtly stroked the arm of a geisha in a blue kimono and the unattractive businessman poked Cherry in the arm, trying to get her attention.

"What is it you do for a living?" Cherry asked the loud man beside her.

The businessman perked up when his geisha suddenly showed interest in his professional life and said, "You know, I run a paper mill on the Jersey shore. I have been fined more times than I can count for air pollution!" He puffed out his chest proudly.

"Oh, so you're the reason it smells like cabbage down on the beach," she said and then smiled and giggled, holding on to his arm.

The loud man laughed heartily and said, "Yes, I take credit for that, Sakura! I employ several hundred people. I am the foundation of an empire!" He grabbed sushi roll with a chopstick, swallowed it whole and belched.

Leonardo spoke sweetly in Japanese to his ladies and they laughed, hanging on to his every word. His face was slightly flushed and he asked for more sake.

The paper mill owner leaned over and said, grinning to Cherry, "So I like spending time here because you girls are all virgins right? That is the best kind of girl." He leered at her and she covered her face and giggled self-consciously.

Leonardo clanked down his sake cup.

Cherry felt a slight bubble of rage percolating at her core. Leonardo wanted to straddle a prostitute. Why should he have any opinion about Cherry's prior sexual experience? Cherry rated herself about twenty percent above a virgin, but it was still sexist of him to demonstrate an negative opinion about it. She said, still with a simpering innocent smile, "That reminds me of a quote. 'Do nothing that is of no use.' Do you know it, kappa-san? It is by Miyamoto..." she couldn't remember the last part of the name and hoped that Leonardo would fill in the blank for her.

"...Usagi...?" he asked vaguely, as a geisha brushed against his arm while standing to get up and organize a dance.

"No!" she hissed and then fanned herself and giggled. "Miyamoto M..."

"Miyamoto Musashi! I'm sorry. I'm distracted by all the... sake and girls... I mean..." He sighed fussily and one of the men laughed. He put on his game face again and said, "Do you read The Book of Five Rings then, Sakura? That doesn't seem like very refined reading for a girl who spends all her time putting up her hair and dancing."

She waved at him as if she were a Southern Belle and said, "Oh, I hardly read! I have heard that some skilled warriors are also very adept hair dressers."

The paper mill owner laughed and nearly knocked over his sake. Cherry leaned over to steady it and he gave her a gratuitous groping from behind. She laughed mechanically and sat down again.

Leonardo moved as if he'd suddenly sprung off his heels and then resettled himself. "I do know another good quote. 'If you wish to control others, you must first control yourself.' I think a sense of control is a good trait for any man who is in business. It instills an example in those you lead. Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Ban?"

The paper mill owner grumbled and looked over at Leonardo. "Yes, but I am off duty. You'd like to spend a little more time with me later, wouldn't you, cherry blossom?"

"Oh, thank you!" Cherry gushed and felt slightly sick. She looked over at Leonardo and found him staring headlong at a dancing geisha, and she said sullenly, "Do you agree with Miyamoto Musashi's statement: 'All man are the same except for their belief in their own selves, regardless of what others may think of them'?"

Leonardo blinked a few times and said, "I don't think so. I mean, I can only really know my own heart. I don't know how to explain myself except for maybe that old poem that goes, 'Although I come to you constantly, over the roads of dreams, those nights of love, are not worth one waking touch of you...' That has been on my mind quite a bit lately. But then I probably just affirmed Miyamoto Musashi's statement because I could never wish to touch this dream." He watched Cherry over the edge of his cup as he took a long sip.

All of the geishas fanned themselves frantically. Did Leonardo have sexy dreams about her constantly now? Her makeup turned pink from an adolescent blush and then she thought that he probably dressed her up in a school girl uniform and whipped her in his dreams. Still, he did have nice poetic delivery. Maybe he could recite poetry to his prostitute while she straddled him. Cherry stared at the table for a few seconds, blocking out the conversation around her. Finally she said, "Did anyone make love for real last night?"

All the people in the room laughed, except for Leonardo, who put down his cup and sighed dramatically as if he'd just watched the saddest moment in the history of the world unfold before his eyes.

Mr. Ban said, "I did! With my repulsive wife! But it is a small price to pay for her ketchup fortune."

Leonardo took a sip of his sake and said, "Miyamoto Musashi says, 'Whatever the Way, the master of strategy does not appear fast….Of course, slowness is bad. Really skillful people never get out of time, and are always deliberate, and never appear busy.' I think that applies to more areas of life beyond the art of the katana."

"So you're saying that great love making is like sword fighting?" Cherry asked, repressing her usual howling laugh. "You keep steady time and sneak up unawares?"

Leonardo accepted another plate of sushi from a geisha and said, "I mean, I think it is a skilled art form and that because the methods of martial arts can be applied to other areas of life, you don't need to go out screwing everything that moves to say that you're a good lover. You need to have some finesse. Is it hot in here?" Leonardo pushed on the shoji screen to allow in some air.

"Well, this skilled martial artist, who seems to think that he'll be a great lover just because he's good at waving a sword around may want to consider Miyamoto Musashi's other words: 'It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet.' I would expect any man who makes love to me to have a soft touch. I wouldn't want him banging away on me like he's trying to break my neck unawares." She took a sip of sake, and tried not to choke on the bitterness. How had Leonardo drank so much of this? Especially when they served it in half shot glasses.

Mr. Ban said, "That takes practice. A more experienced man has the right touch." He tried to give her a sexy growl.

Leonardo drummed a finger on his cup and then glanced at one of the geishas again. Cherry realized that he spent half of his time keeping an eye on the girl in blue, as she danced serenely and ignored the conversation completely. Of course he would like the traditional Japanese girl who danced and nodded with subdued agreement. Finally, she knew what he liked.

She clanked her cup down on the table and a little sake spilled over.

Leonardo said, "As Miyamoto Musashi says, 'The true science of martial arts means practicing them in such a way that they will be useful at any time, and to teach them in such a way that they will be useful in all things.'" Leonardo politely applauded for the blue geisha's dance and stood up, then whispered something low in her ear, eliciting a lot of giggling and nodding. He then bowed at the remaining people in the room, his eyes on Cherry and said, "If you'll all excuse me. I would like to go prove my theories correct. Good night, Sakura." He hesitated and then left the room, his hand shaking slightly as he held on to the doorframe on the way out.

She watched Leonardo and the blue geisha leave with heavy dread. Oh Virginal One was about to go get laid with a geisha prostitute because she had just challenged his manhood in front of everyone in the room. She slapped herself in the forehead and smeared white make up on her palm. "So, Mr. Ban. I'm really full. Are you? Let's head upstairs then. I'm eager for an experienced man to show me what I've been missing." She smiled and fawned over him and they left for the upstairs within seconds.

She spent the first fifteen minutes asking probing questions about all of his business associates while dancing provocatively, just out of his reach.

"No Herman Schlossing doesn't do much in the field of science research. Do you want me to pretend to be a scientist? You seem very distracted by the idea." He made a grab for her and she swiveled out of his reach.

"The best things come to those who wait." She listened for Ninja-Boy's voice nearby in another room, but couldn't hear anything.

Mr. Ban got up and grabbed her around the waist. She waved her arms through the air and cried out, "I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST! PUT ME DOWN! THIS ISN'T VERY ROMANTIC, MR. BAN!"

"Oh, sorry." He sat her down on her feet and said, "You're so sexy. It's getting me excited. Go freshen up and hurry right back." He patted her backside and pointed out the door.

She bowed and scampered out of the room on her wooden platforms, scooting down the hall, listening for voices. Finally, she saw the shadow of an alien ninja sitting on a bed inside one of the dimly lit shoji screens. She knocked lightly at the door and then barged in without waiting for an answer. "So, stud. Is your honor still intact? Where's your geisha?"

Leonardo sat on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands. He stood up suddenly, ignited into action at the sound of her voice and snuffed as if he had a cold. "She had to leave. She already told me everything. I have the address and the name and everything. Don will meet us there in a about twelve hours. He had to go help Raph with the bomb. We can wait here." He stood up and walked past her out the door.

She followed him, trotting loudly on her wooden platforms. "Mr. Ban will be really let down. He didn't get to bang his blonde geisha. Your geisha will pretty upset that you didn't show her your martial arts," she said and held on to his arm as they hurried down the hall.

"I already got a room with my whore," Leonardo said as he pulled out a key from his belt and turned the lock on the hotel room door. The heavy cherry wood furnishings that were clearly European and decorated with occasional Japanese themed screens and bed spreads to distract the occupant from the inconsistency. She locked the door behind them and kicked her platforms across the room, then collapsed face first on the bed. Cherry's backpack sat next to the nightstand. "You already brought up our stuff? Good foresight! Do you mind if I walk around naked?"

Leonardo said dimly, "I would be thrilled if a pretty girl walked around my hotel room totally naked."

Cherry stood up and unpinned her hair. It fell down in a staticky tangled mess and she pulled off her kimono, bra and panties and threw them on the floor. "I must look like a naked clown."

Leonardo stared at her for a few minutes and then sat with his back to her, staring glumly out the window.

"What's wrong? You must have some pretty smooth moves, Sexy, to get your girl to confess so fast." Cherry wondered which Cosmo article he had to thank for his speedy seduction.

He scoffed and said, "As soon as we were alone and I locked the door behind us, she begged me not to rape her since I'm a horrifying demon and told me everything as soon as I asked."

She put on a bathrobe that lay folded on the bed and cautiously approached him. She stroked his face while he stared bleary eyed out at the city and the ocean beyond it on the horizon.

"I don't expect much from people, but maybe it's too much," he said quietly.

Cherry bent down and leaned into him. He hissed with shock as she kissed him lightly and then said, "I'm going to take a shower to clean off all this crap. Don't kappas like water? If I bow nicely would you join me?"

"Shower with you?" he asked, eyes wide. "Thank you, but I'd rather not. I mean... you know what I mean. I have to get information on this science facility while you're in there. I'll stay up while you shower and then I'll sleep on this couch thing by the window and you can have the bed." He looked back out the window and fixated on a pigeon on the windowsill.

Cherry put her hands on her hips and said, in a loud and commanding voice, "Leonardo... whatever-you-last-name-is! You're going to let one wannabe geisha get you down like this? Because that's utter bullshit and you know it! If you're going to sleep, it'll be in the bed right next to me! I've eaten your tongue, damn it! If that doesn't mean we're close then I don't know what does! I trust you more than any man on the planet, which is ironic since you're an alien. But it's the truth! So quit whining! You're so much tougher than that! Any girl that would find you threatening clearly hasn't worked in a strip club in the private rooms getting fingered when she's not looking! Well... here...!" Cherry pulled off her bathrobe and threw it across the room, standing in front of him naked. "You're so upset that one stupid bitch doesn't trust you? Well, I do. So suck it up!"

"Are you making this difficult for me on purpose?!" he shouted. "Put your robe back on!"

"Why?" she asked, hands on her bare hips. "You're upset that I trust you with my life and body and everything?"

He crossed the room as if pursued by an enemy and said dramatically, from just in front of the locked door leading into the hallway, "You're tormenting me! Is it funny? You're naked and trust me and alone in a hotel room! You hate my poetry and it took a whole day to learn that! Just put your clothes on and we're only talking business from now on!"

Leonardo fished out his phone and frantically clicked on the screen, muttering to himself angrily.

She picked up her robe and put it back on. "Sorry if you're offended at my trusting you..."

"Why did you have to say that? 'Did anybody here REALLY make love last night?'" he said rather hysterically as he continued to click at his phone while yelling at her. "I suppose it makes Mr. Ban much more of a man since he had sex with his wife that he hates, rather than..." He headed vaguely in the direction of the bathroom, now looking at the floor.

"So is your brother coming to pick us up in a few hours? Don't go in the bathroom! I get a shower first! You can hide out here with your phone and your porn that you're deleting or whatever you're doing while I wash this make up off!" She followed him to the bathroom and yanked on his bicep, unable to steer him out of the bathroom.

"I'm not deleting porn." Leonardo shuffled back into the other room as if his knees were both broken.

"Maybe I should leave the geisha make up on and bow and wash your feet," Cherry said as she left the bathroom door wide open and threw off the robe again, preparing to get into the shower. "Whatever you want, Master! It is my wish to obey!"

"What are you talking about?!" he yelled, his voice coming closer as he came back in the bathroom so that he could argue over the sound of the water running. "And you do a very poor impression of a Japanese woman, if that was your intention."

Cherry tested the water with her hand and then felt all of her nerves snap with frustration. She said, "Tell me what you really want to say instead of following me around and hinting." She washed off the white makeup in the running shower and then groped the wall blindly for a towel with her eyes shut and full of water. She felt a dry towel pressed into her arms and patted her face dry.

"I don't have anything appropriate to say," he said, crossing his arms and looking at the floor with a pinched face.

She tossed the towel on the floor and turned off the shower, realizing that it might run infinitely while he stammered angrily.

"So you do have something to say or is it that you just don't want to offend me?" she asked. "Well you're a big boy." She put her hands lightly on his sides and tried to look into his eyes.

Leonardo shifted on his feet slightly, his eyes drifting sideways to the wall, attempting to elude eye contact. Cherry felt his warm sides move as he breathed harder. "You're too close and naked. Just take you're shower. I need to think."

Cherry stroked his sides and waited for an answer, his breathe coming faster.

"I already have commitment to certain things and no matter how much I want other things, I can't let myself..." he muttered. "And I don't even like blondes." He leaned in and kissed her, his mouth moving tentatively against hers and hands on her waist.

Half an hour later, Cherry lay on her back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, while Leonardo checked his phone again.

"Sorry about that," he said and then put it on the bed beside him and leaned over her, petting her hair. "I think I lost my place."

Cherry put her arms around his shoulders again. "Does Cosmo have any advice for what to do about that?"

His eyes widened with horror and he stammered, "No... I haven't found it terribly helpful..."

"Relax," she said and leaned up to kiss him, wondering if his ancestors felt it. "People had sex a long time without needing an instruction manual from Cosmopolitan."

"Are we going to have sex?!" Leonardo asked in slight alarm and then leaned down to run his mouth over breast to comfort his new anxiety.

She stroked the back of his head and felt his hands tentatively stroking her body. She tingled with contentment and wondered if things would progress faster if she could convince him to stop consulting the online sex oracle.

"Hey, Leonardo! Thanks for getting her warmed up for me!" an obnoxious voice called through the window.

Another familiar voice cried, "Holy shit, Leo! Stop! I'm going to go blind, dude!"

Leonardo's mouth unclenched from her breast and he looked over her head momentarily at the window before grabbing the blanket in one hand and wrenching her off the bed with the other, sliding down on the other side and out of view. He wrapped the blanket around both of them. Cherry knew he wanted to hide his erection from view from the attackers and wondered why he didn't just bother wearing pants.

Then a gun fired several times and Cherry shouted, covering her ears. Glass exploded all over the room, tinkling on the floor.

One of the familiar voices cried, "What was necessary? He would have just let us in! Well, he would let me in! Yo, Leo! Are you decent now? It's an emergency!"

Leonardo rolled his eyes and then covered his face in despair and shouted, "No, I am not decent! You should know that since you were perving at the window just a second ago! What's going on? Deadpool had better not shoot anybody! I have a tongue now and I can use it!"

"Yeah, I saw you putting it to work. Good job, man!" said Deadpool from the other side the bed. Glass cracked as he stomped around the room. "We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd shoot out your window and catch you having sex. It was totally part of my plan and not an accident because we got cornered."

Mikey tumbled across the bed and crouched down beside them, nunchucks in both of his hands. "Sorry, dude. Hal Barton is about ten minutes behind us. Not much time to explain."

"I don't think he'll be a problem because of the hundred or so ninjas that followed us here," Deadpool said, scratching his ass with his gun. It randomly fired through his backside and he said, "Ow! Guess that means the safety is off when that red button is flashing. Note to self and ass." He scratched the bloody hole in his backside as it dripped on the carpet.

"Hal Barton? Hundreds of ninjas?" Leonardo took a few deep breaths with closed eyes. "Okay, just give me a second here! Could Deadpool get his bloody butt cheek out of my face, please? Mikey, why are you with Deadpool? And why did you both bring Hal Barton here to Cherry? Isn't that the exact opposite of my orders, you two?"

"Hey, I'm a one man band of badass. I don't take orders from anybody! You told us to do something and it happened to fit in with the shit I was about to do anyway," Deadpool said. "Maybe you should picture that old nun at the Temple of Eros in a thong if you're down there trying to meditate your boner away."

"I need you two to get away for a minute! Mike! Get that bathrobe in the bathroom and bring it back here for Cherry!" Leonardo shouted, his face pinched with humiliation and rage.

Deadpool said, "Hey, Leonardo! I didn't know your brother was a super hero! He said he's Turtle Titan. He's going to write me a letter of recommendation for Captain America so I can join the Avengers. They put me on the waiting list and I was going to bump off Clint, but Mikey said they wouldn't look too favorably on it. I said it wouldn't matter if I made it look like Thanos did it or something. I was going to cut his head off and leave a sign that said, "I TOTALLY DID THIS. NOT DEADPOOL." And sign it Thanos. So you have healing powers too now that you're Eros' bitch right? We should cut each others' heads off at the same time! It'll be a trust exercise like that time Lydia shot me in the head with her crossbow!"

"If you try to cut my head off, Deadpool... I'll... tell Captain America that... Oh, just shut up, Wade! Get away from me! Where is Hal Barton? I don't see any ninjas yet! Give me my gear, Wade! I'm calling you Wade until further notice because you're being so annoying that you don't deserve to be called Deadpool at the moment. Prove to me that you're worthy of being called Deadpool and I'll do it."

Deadpool pointed out the window and said, "Okay, there's seven ninjas on the windowsill. I was going to let them surprise you. But I'm going to be a good guy and warn you instead."

Cherry ground her teeth, her body still pounding with need for Leonardo. "Well, what do I do?"

Mikey came out of the bathroom holding Cherry's bathrobe and Leonardo's gear and tossed them both across the room, then pulled out his weapons and moved towards the ninjas that had just entered the room and left Cherry's eyeline although she could hear him grunting and then a ninja flew across the room, dead or unconscious.

"Hey, are you mad at me, Mikey?" Deadpool asked as he pulled out a gun and shot randomly at the group of ninjas without really looking. Blood spattered the wall across from Cherry. "I let you eat half of my chimichanga and that means we're BFF's for life! A man's chimichanga shows a sacred trust of brotherhood!"

"You show a sacred trust of brotherhood by not ratting out my own brother to a horde of ninjas by pointing at his hotel and giving them his room number, dude!" Mikey shouted from the other side of the room.

Leonardo finally stood up with his swords in hand. "Cherry, stay down! Wade, you take Hal Barton since you can't be killed and obviously we can. Mike, you and I will take these ninjas! I know I can heal from Chaotic energy now, but I think I should stay with Cherry. You're enough for Hal, right, Wade?"

"Why are you giving me an assignment? I'm an independent contractor. You go fight Hal Barton. You're the boss. You should thank me instead of ordering me around." Deadpool shot a ninja in the groin and he dropped to his knees shrieking.

"Thank you?!" Leonardo shouted as he took a graceful step towards a ninja and cut him down with one slash of his sword. Cherry felt a swirling gust of sexual adrenaline as he she watched him easily dispatch three more while Wade stood beside him, munching on a soggy chimichanga and not helping him in the slightest.

"I'm turning out to be a good source of birth control for you. I think your girl just really wants me." Deadpool looked down at Cherry, the white eyeballs of his hood bulging, and said, "Now, Hottie of Evil, which one of these daddies do you really want to spank you?" He punctuated his tasteless remark by slapping his ass, spraying Leonardo with blood from his self-inflicted gunshot wound. "I've caught you doing the dirty with Leonardo twice now."

"We weren't having sex at the Temple and we weren't now!" Leonardo shouted at him, pulling a katana out of a dying man's stomach.

Cherry agreed that they weren't having sex in the lake, but also thought Deadpool caught them in a technicality this time around.

"I guess they have another name for it now when you have your fingers up a girl's cooch and she's moaning, 'Probe me, Leonardo!" Deadpool paused and then laughed out loud, saying, "Well, Weapon X wasn't sexy. More like excruciating torture." He paused again and then blurted out, "No, I'm not!"

Mikey screamed in agony and Cherry raised her head over the edge of the bed to see him. He dropped his final attacking ninja on the floor and said, "Sorry, that was involuntary to the probing remark."

"Aren't you even going to help me?" Leonardo asked aggressively as he tossed a ninja across the room. "You led a horde of ninjas right to my room and you're not even helping me!"

"My chimichanga is in danger of going soggy," Deadpool said with a full mouth. "And you're the one with all the special powers now."

Leonardo ran out of attacking ninjas and said, "Cherry, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She pushed herself up, avoiding the broken glass on the floor and drifted to Leonardo's side. "Where's Hal?"

Several car alarms went off with an accompaniment of broken glass and screams down on the street. Mikey leaned out the broken window and said, "Speak of the serial killer. Uh, Wade, were you going to take care of him or not? Leo kind of wants you to do it. I can't regrow my limbs, dude."

Leonardo sighed and said, "Deadpool, I humbly ask you to help me kill Hal Barton. You do know what he does for fun right?"

"Isn't he a nasty child molester?" Deadpool clicked his tongue. "Okay, it's outside of my mission objective here, but since you obviously need me badly, I'll help you take this guy out. If there's one thing we need less of in the world it's crazy guys who kill people for fun."

Leonardo smirked and bowed elaborately. "I am forever in your debt, Deadpool-san. Lead on."

Deadpool pulled out a huge machine gun and said, "Let's redecorate!"

"Don't shoot civilians!" Leonardo warned.

Deadpool kicked the door down and a whacked a passing geisha in the face with the door. "I never shoot civilians unless they walk in front of my bullets. Here, Hally! Daddy wants to have a talk!" He left down the hallway, his gun held aloft. "Laters, baby!"

Cherry put a hand on Leonardo's arm, unable to resist touching him, now that he was intense and bent on destroying ninjas. "Ninja timing sucks..." she muttered in Leonardo ear.

He fought off of a flutter of a smile and said, "Okay, I need to get out there and take care of these ninjas. Mike, can you get down there and rope them off at one end of the street? Can you see Deadpool and Hal?"

A bomb went off near the building and the floor shook. The chandelier tinkled and waved on the ceiling. Geishas ran past the open door half dressed. Mikey scratched his head with a nunchuck. "See them? You heard that right? Deadpool threw a grenade at him and Hal brain blasted through a store front. I see ninjas coming in but they don't sound like they're coming upstairs. What do you think, man? They must know where we are by now."

"I think they're waiting downstairs somewhere to lay a trap. I am not waiting for it. Come on." He grabbed Cherry's hand and she trotted behind him, her heart beating with the excitement of a ninja ambush. "Stay calm. Let me know if you're upset. Don't just stand there worrying and then blow up the building or incinerate someone. Right?" he asked, looking intensely in her eyes and waiting for a response.

She nodded. "I'll try. Don't get stabbed. Even though it's sexy."

He pulled her down the hall by the hand past panicking geishas and male patrons, Mikey following behind them. She heard Mike say, "Hey, there, miss," in a sultry voice as they passed a few girls. "Don't worry, Turtle Titan is on the case!" he said in an unusually low voice.

Leonardo pointed down the hall and ordered some people around in Japanese with an authoritative voice and they instantly rushed off, obeying his orders. "I just told those women to get out of the building and run to safety."

The building shook again and they heard Deadpool saying out on the street, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden BAZOOKA, BITCH!"

"Are you sure that was a great order, Leo?" Mike muttered as the building shook harder than ever and the lights went out. Women screamed up and down the corridor. "So are you my sister-in-law now?" Mikey asked Cherry, elbowing her in the arm as he came along side her. "I think dad will frown on you getting a girlfriend, Leo. I think he'll be even more frowny since she's this harbinger of death chick that you're supposed to save us all from. I think he'll give you flips, man."

She felt Leonardo's grip on her hand tighten and he said, "Stop talking about that. Stay up here and keep an eye on Deadpool and watch these civilians. I'm going downstairs to take care of our guests. Cherry, stay with Mike." He released her hand and went towards a staircase.

Mr. Ban rushed plodded down the corridor wearing nothing but his boxer shorts, his hairy belly spilling over the waistband. He grabbed Cherry's wrist and demanded, "What's going on? I want a refund! Where were you? You were with the kappa?" he asked, his face frozen in disgusted shock.

Mikey pointed at himself and then said, "Wait! I wasn't groping your woman! It was my brother! Wait, do we even know you? Get out of the building, man! Before Deadpool blows it up! Or Hal Barton blows it up! Fuck, Cherry might blow it up! Or the ninjas might kill everybody! My point is, just get out of here!"

A strong pair of hands grabbed Mr. Ban by the shoulders and threw him against the wall. Leonardo held a fist in front of Mr. Ban's face and said, "I'm an honorable man, so you will not say anything to her or my brother and I won't express my deep disgust for you. Save yourself and you won't have to see me again." He released him and didn't waste a second glance as he headed back towards the stairs.

"Dude, he's usually nicer than that," Mikey said, putting an arm around Mr. Ban's shoulders as Mr. Ban glared at Leonardo. "He's just all bad moody because the world is ending and Deadpool interrupted his make out session. I think it's understandable. So get lost huh?"

The building creaked and a police siren blared nearby on the street. Cherry pulled at her hair and said, "I feel so utterly useless! What am I supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to stay with me because Leo wants me to protect you," Mikey said as he went to a window and chanced a look down at the street. "Uh... Why is Deadpool using a cop car as a torpedo?"

Cherry ran down the stairs, leaving Mikey staring at Deadpool fighting below on the street. The pitch black stairs wound down two flights and finally Cherry ran face first into a closed metal door. She groped blindly in the dark for the handle, helped by a gently blinking yellow emergency light in the corridor shining vaguely through the small window in the door.

She glanced through the small window in the door and saw a swirling mass of black suited bodies, swarming a single figure at the end of the corridor. Leonardo fought in the midst of them, his arms covered in the blood of his enemies, both swords twitching and slashing so fast that Cherry couldn't see him strike as they fell to the ground around him. Then she processed the path of bleeding bodies on the floor, all the way down the corridor leading to him.

He didn't waste more than a stroke on any of them and Cherry realized how patient Leonardo must be, when he listened to her patronizingly call him "Oh Virginal One" and "Ninja Boy" and wondered why he hadn't just karate chopped her into submission by this point and carried her back to his headquarters. He massacred at least fifty skilled ninjas with hardly any effort.

Cherry briefly remembered his stammering embarrassment as he handed her the keychain he bought for her and could feel his hands caressing her thighs as he kissed stomach and then had to pull out his phone and consult Cosmo nervously on his technique. What right did she have, enjoying his gentle affection? She needed to get a taxi and head back to GIRLS XXX and beg for her job back.

He finished off one of the last ninjas and she put her hand on the door handle, ignoring all the sensible thoughts she'd just hand, but a hand closed over her mouth and a foul vapor stung her nose, all the way to her brain. The window, and the sight of Leonardo slashing the chest of the last standing ninja, his swords out, blood dripping from his forearms, dissolved and went black.