Chapter 4- Feeling

It had been seven days since the survey corps returned to the barracks. Subsequently, it had been six days since I had left my room.

When I had Initially joined, Isabel and I were the only ones in our room despite the presence of enough bunks for six more people; I assumed that they didn't want any real corps members to dorm with criminals. Because of this, not many people noticed my absence, so I'm sure most had assumed I died with Farlan and Isabel like I should have.

After I fled from Levi during the exhibition, I rode for about five minutes before I ran into someone to lead me to Erwin, I gave him the location of Levi and the titan, then retreated to the back of the formation to find any medical help I could. I didn't find out about the outcome of the situation until after we returned to the walls.

I was getting my abdomen wrapped because of the pain in my ribs when the nurse told me; Isabel and Farlan were, in fact dead, and Levi had survived and destroyed the titan- and she made it very clear that he did not kill it, but destroy it. Then she noticed my discomfort and refused to tell me anymore details after that, saying that she didn't want to upset me anymore than I already was.

I could only imagine what it would feel like to have that rage unleashed on me, to have Levi force me to feel his pain over his lost family.

In the following days, that nurse had brought me food and water, leaving it at the dresser next to the door and picking up what ever leftovers there were while i was asleep. She was the only one who acknowledged my existence, every once in a while she would walk over to rub my back and try to cheer me up, but it never worked.

When I heard footsteps coming up to the door, I rolled over and stuck my hand under my pillow to grip Isabel's patch, and I pretended to sleep in hopes that she wouldn't try to talk to me.

But I didn't hear the usual clatter of dishes, instead there was a voice I could only recognize as the man who captured me weeks ago, "You know you have to serve the next five years, you can't just hide away in your room when an expedition doesn't go right."

I tried to slow my breathing so it didn't make a noise, hoping he might just give up and leave; but when I didn't respond, he continued.

"No expedition goes right; and it will always be like that whether you accept it or not. Just because this was personal to you doesn't make it any different. They're just casualties now- numbers, if it makes it easier for you to cope. And it makes it even easier if you go in with the assumption that the guy next to you won't come back with you, you'll stop expecting everyone to be around forever, stop acting like such a selfish chil-"

"I know people don't last forever, I know they don't stick around, and I probably know that better than someone like you from the inner-walls." I didn't move when I spoke, and my voice was raspy and broke from lack of use.

I could have sworn I heard him laugh, "So that criminal I picked up is still there? Snark and will to live and all? You better show it; you can't survive here if you don't pick yourself up when this happens, you can't let it get to you, you can't regret it. Otherwise, your daughter just may have to watch your execution; If you don't get back to serving for us, training and chores and all, I'll hand you to the military police. If you have it in you to last five years, you can go back to them. But in the meantime, I suggest you get your act together, or they won't get their money." The door creaked as he began to close it, "And I guarantee you don't know better than me."

When the door shut I sat up and pulled the patch up to my face. It was dirty and bent, stained with some blood on the side.

Was it really my right to keep this? She wasn't my friend. It was just my fault, and I was being selfish again.

As I walked over to the door, I pulled on my undershirt to cool my nerves, then trekked my way across the hall to where the men's dorm was- or Levi's room, considering no one else stayed there anymore.

I knocked on the door silently, taking into account that it was late and the others in the rooms around us may be sleeping. Silently, I hoped that he would be sleeping and that I could just retreat back into my own domain, but my luck proved me otherwise.

"Eh? Durant? Where the hell have you been?"

Levi's eyes were clouded by dark circles and he wiped the exhaustion out of his eyes. The last week hadn't been any easier for him. With how late it was, he should have been sleeping; he was even in a sleeveless undershirt and comfortable pants, but I saw a few candles burning in the background, as if he weren't expecting to sleep anytime soon.

I took a deep breath and clutched the patch behind my back, "Can I come in?"

His eyes widened a bit and he stuttered to say something before giving up and pulling the door open.

I stepped into the middle of the room and waiting for the door to close before holding the patch out as far away from myself as I could manage.

He took it into both hands and inspected it, silently gripping it tightly, "Is this-"

"Isabel's. It ripped off of her jacket. She- uh," I looked up at Levi, his expression unwavering, and just seeing his face forced by breath back down into the pits of my body,"Levi,"

He continued to stare at me, and I wished I could say I saw anger in his eyes, but it wasn't there. I certainly felt like he should be angry with me, and I wanted him to let go of the anger, to show that I wasn't the only one in this forsaken corps with emotions. I had seen his rage once, and I wanted to see it once more just to prove that I hadn't ruined his ability to feel; I didn't want him to shut down because of what I did. I didn't even know why: affection, or guilt, or selfishness. The tension clawed at my brain, and I wanted to do anything to stop it- to run away or to run at him where the only options. I just didn't know if he would let me either way.

Levi still wouldn't move, even his hands stayed still, wrapped around the little piece of fabric. His eyes were cold, even though they lacked anger, but he began to soften as I fidgeted.

"They died because of me. I left them when they needed me, and because of that they're dead. You should blame me, you should hate me. And I was keeping that like some sort of sick memory, I haven't let go of it in six days. But it's not mine to keep, and it just goes to show how selfish I've been about this mess. They were your family, and I ruined that for you."

He shifted his eyes down to the badge, turning it over and rubbing his fingers along the grooves. Neither of us spoke, and the tension in my head made the time stretch into years. The muscles in my legs ached and I felt the skin around my fingers begin to bleed from picking at them.

I was about find my way to the door when Levi's deep voice rooted me in place, "I left them too. They trusted me, and they died after I left." He took a few long strides to put the badge into a dresser drawer and slam it shut, rooting me in place as my body shivered with the loud noise, "They didn't trust you, and you didn't trust them, so you should forget about it. They shouldn't have gone after that titan, and you being alive shows that there was an option to run that they didn't take. So forget about it, stop blaming yourself. What have you been doing all of this time? Crying about it in your room like a whiney baby? Stop that, and get back on your feet already, you brat. What happened to happily watching us get eaten?" He leaned back on the dresser and crossed his arms, "you know you're strong, you might as well show it."

My hands pulled into fists and my nails dug into my palms, I let my emotions take hold as I threw my words at him, "Why aren't you mad at me? I saw you that day! Why won't you do something about it? You were angry! You were-"

Before I had even finished my sentence, Levi had crossed the room and crushed my shoulders into his hands as to pull me closer to his face, "You want me to be angry?" He yelled, "You want me to hit you? Validate your guilt? Your regret? You think that will fix everything?"

The air quieted and his words hung around us as we noticed how near the other was. We were so close I could smell him, his breath, all that he had to offer. All of his features were so fine and sharp: the color under his cheeks, the cuts on his jaw. I watched the mix of the blues and greys in his eyes as they raked down my face; both of us soaked in the features of the other, almost like we expected the other to not be there the next day. When his nose brushed up against mine, we both pushed back violently.

His voice quieted down, and he started to be softer, "You want me to fix this for you?"

I couldn't find my voice so he continued, "I can't bring them back, we just have to live with it."

I decided it was my turn to approach him, "But you can still miss them, or mourn them even."

I reached down to find one of his hands, but he froze when I did so. I turned over the palm and felt the callouses and cuts from his hard work and skill. I traced a scar that had formed down the length of his palm and looked up to where he had stopped, "Just because you said we should move on doesn't mean you should forget about them. I know I need it-I don't know for sure if you do, but you might. I just need to know I'm not the only one that thinks that,"

I felt his pulse speed up under my hand, and his mouth opened, but he decided not to say anything.

"Can I stay here tonight? I just haven't seen anyone in days-"

He cleared his throat and pulled his hand back, "You, uh- If you need to," Levi slowly regained his cold exterior as he made his way over to his own bed, "But I'm not your keeper, brat. This is it, and you're out in the morning."

While he pulled himself into bed I pulled a few blankets and a pillow on to the floor from another bunk, and threw them beside his bed.

"Why are you-"

I didn't want to tell him why, he might think it's weak. But I use to let Lillian sleep in my bed and I would take the floor so there was room- it made me feel like I was back at home. And I wanted to be closer to him- that was comforting too.

But he couldn't know.

"Goodnight, Levi."

With discomfort, I turned over so I was facing his bed and closed my eyes, knowing I wouldn't be getting much sleep down on the ground.

I spent a good amount of time listening to his breathing in the dark before he whispered, "Stupid brat,"

I heard Levi push himself out of the other side of the bed and walk around to where I was. He effortlessly pulled me up from the ground and placed me in his bed. I felt the covers, still warm from his presence wrap around my body.

I dared to open my eyes while his back was turned to climb into the next bed over, and closed them before he could see me.

"Goodnight, Durant."