Saruman the White looked out from his balcony over the fortress of Isengard. What had once been a beautiful forest was now a wasteland of ash and dirt, as the trees had been cut down to fuel the flames that made his tools of war. He didn't bother replanting the trees, as all of his efforts must now be focused on getting the troops ready and out to battle as quickly as possible. The halflings must be found, for Saruman's only hope lay with the Ring.

The White Wizard turned away from the destruction of his garden and went inside to sit down on his throne. The visit from the Nine had shaken him. They were after the Ring, and now they were closing in on its location. Gandalf's escape from Orthanc didn't make matters any better, either. Saruman had realized earlier that this path would not lead to the profit of anyone except Sauron. He had chosen this path when he looked into the Palantír of Orthanc and saw Barad-Dûr in its vast strength. That fortress, along with all the evil of Mordor, was created with the Ring, so Saruman perceived that it could only be destroyed with the Ring. But now, Saruman realized that Sauron had seen through his lies, and he was not likely to resist Mordor in his position. But when he went up to the Pinnacle of Orthanc to ask for Gandalf's forgiveness, the Gray Wizard was gone.

Now, Saruman would receive forgiveness from neither side. As a traitor to both parties, he would have to fend for himself and hope that his forces could survive long enough to retrieve the Ring, at which point he could face the East, dig in his heels, and finally finish his mission. Contrary to what Gandalf believed, he had never forgotten his mission. He simply chose to ignore some of the rules placed upon the wizards. Seeing that the Elves were fading and the strength of Gondor was failing, Saruman decided to fight the Enemy with his own weapon, and he would take the opportunity to cast down the Dark Lord, and he would return home in honor. But those faithless fools who did not see that the West was at a disadvantage without the Enemy's power were too blind to see that his way was the only way possible.

Saruman remained secure in the knowledge that he did this not for himself. All of this was for Melian, his sister. Had it not been for Sauron, Morgoth would not have had the information he needed to steal the Silmarils. Had it not been for the theft of the Silmarils, King Thingol of Doriath would not have been murdered by the dwarves who wanted one of the Silmarils that was combined with the Nauglamir. Had it not been for Thingol's murder, his wife, Melian, would not have returned home in a state of chronic depression, unable to smile or find any enjoyment in the world, unable to stop the flow of tears, even in the comfort of Saruman. For several thousand years, Saruman knew that all those who had a hand in Thingol's death had received proper punishment except for Sauron. And so Saruman had sworn revenge.

The mission was never about guidance and wisdom. Not for Saruman. The other four wizards may have been concerned with helping the Elves and men achieve their own destinies or some such nonsense, but Saruman wanted to cast Sauron down and leave him utterly humbled and perhaps thrown into the Timeless Void with his master. But this would require cunning and deceit, for he needed his enemy's own Weapon to overcome the power in the East.

He had been communicating with his sister through the Palantír. Melian was using the master stone at Tol Eressea. Saruman had told her all of his activities and relied on her wisdom and guidance to succeed at his task. But Saruman could not be convinced that the strength of men and Elves could overcome Sauron after he had seen Barad-dûr. After he told her that he wanted the Ring and that he was obstinate in this decision, Melian left Tol Eressea and went back to the Gardens of Lorien. Saruman still looked into the Orthanc stone periodically to see if she would talk to him, but she would not.

Had Melian forgotten that it was all for her? Saruman had even invited her to come to Isengard to rule once again as the great queen that she had been in Doriath. Melian could have had it all. Once Sauron was disposed of, the two of them could rule Middle-earth together as brother and sister; the Lord of Isengard and the Queen of Doriath. But she refused. She spit his offer back in his face, forgetting that this was to avenge her sadness.

Despite the rejection of his offer, Saruman, in his heart, still forgave his sister. She would see in due time. This was how much he loved her. He was willing to wage open war upon Mordor, with all the odds stacked against him, for her revenge. He was willing to destroy the beauty of his new home and those around him to ensure that the one responsible for his sister's torment did not go unpunished.

But he was also forced to consider what he was losing in this course of action. He had lost the support of all of his friends. During his earlier days in Middle-earth, he had been good friends with Gandalf, Alatar, and Pallando. He did not have much love for Radagast, but he eventually came to have a grudging respect for the Brown Wizard. He also befriended Elrond, who was his great-great nephew. They had mutual respect for each other's wisdom, and they were very amicable in their friendship. But now that they knew of Saruman's plans, he would be forced to hurt them.

Then Saruman remembered that none of them were Melian. He was not here for them, but for her. If he survived the coming storm, she would appreciate the terrible wrath of Sauron that he had risked for her. Saruman could understand that she did not want to rule in this barren wasteland burned by war, this empire of dirt that he had created. But when he returned, she would see that it was all worth it.

And so Saruman sat upon his throne high up in his tower, deep within his vast fortress, his empire of dirt. He carried out his mission without recognition for his deeds, alone with his broken thoughts that he could not repair. He had never meant for it to come to this. It seemed that by attempting to free the world from evil, he could only make people hurt. If he could start again, he would have found another way. But it was too late now. Hopefully he could survive until he could prove that he had chosen the right path. He was beyond the point of no return. It was all or nothing now. Do or die.

Author's note: The title and some of my choice of words are obviously inspired by the song Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. I don't care much for the original song, but I absolutely love the Johnny Cash version. Cash just gives the song so much depth and feeling. I choose to reference the song here because in my AU described in this story, Saruman goes on his path because he feels that it is the only way, not because he has ulterior motives. He really didn't want things to end up like they did, and he wishes that he could have a second chance. I would like you to read my ongoing story, The Lord of Isengard and the Queen of Doriath, in which Saruman does not become a homicidal maniac.