More Or Less

by Ignimbrite

Summary: Casey thinks he's doomed because he's fallen in love with his best friend. What he doesn't know is, he will change his mind overnight-at a night after one almost fatal battle. 2k3 verse. SLASH. Warnings: language, eventual smut. Two-shot.

Warnings: curse-words. Male-on-male situation. No like, no read. Thanks.

Rating: NC-17.

Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles, thank God.

/Casey Jones' Journal/

Oh man I'm seriously fucked-up.

I can't face him anymore. No…I mean I can face him, but I will look away as soon as his gaze lingers on my face any longer than usual. Man, it's not like us. We used to be more than this…or less than this (depends on how you put this). We were more solid in friendship, but now there sure is some kind of chemical-thingy disturbing the atmosphere between the two of us. Friends don't look away from each other, right? Those are nasty shit generated from crappy romance stuff. Personally I don't read those shit, and I believe Raph doesn't, either. But, damn, I feel like I may need to consult one (maybe secretly steal one of those romance novels from April's bookshelf?).

The major problem I'm facing is, goddammit, I am fucking falling in fucking love, with a teenage fucking turtle no less. And you know what the most terrifying things is? I can tell that Raph is beginning to feel something, too. He likes me, immensely. And I think if I asked him, he would say yes. Oh, fuck. I don't know why. What is it that's been bothering me so much? Maybe because I know that this is never gonna work and I'll just ruin our friendship. A man and a mutant turtle? How can that happen? It's crazy, man. It's crazy.

I'm not saying that Raph ain't human. He's the most human guy I know so far…inside anyway. On the outside, he looks like a turtle. Moreover, he's just a goddam teenager, a kid. I wouldn't do anything to him, even if he said that he liked me, too. Dammit. This fucking thing is driving me mad. Mad. Mad. Mad.

(End of the journal entry)

.:. .:. .:.

We never saw that coming.

It was after one fierce battle, a good fight between us and the Purple Dragons. The rain was pouring down in buckets, soaking us besides sweat and blood. I swung my bat across one shoulder, calling it a night. The mutant turtle was still hanging around the exit of the alley, kicking one thug's chin.

"C'mon, Raph," I called him.

He grunted and turned around, starting to climb up the fire escape without looking at me.

Yeah, I could tell that he was pissed. That dead guy he had been kicking had ambushed me from behind and almost knocked me down; luckily Raph had seen it coming and darted one shuriken towards the man.

And now Raph was running across the rooftop. I could, barely, see him disappearing into the darkness of heavy rains. I was worried, not because I thought he would really run away—I knew he would be at my place before I arrived—but because I had never seen him like that before. I mean, this time, it was close, sure, but it ain't the first time that one of us got a moment of life and death. Before then we would just laughed in shocked surprise and amusement and then shrugged it off, shaking a bit maybe, but eventually we tossed the matter aside. However, tonight was different, the kid was totally stunned, scared, and furious. I had never seen him like that, clenching his fists and trembling; his eyes had been flaring, teeth gritting hard. He was completely ticked off—I'd heard his brothers described this on several occasions but never seen one episode myself, and, truth be told, it ain't a pretty sight; it almost scared me, too.

.:.

I climbed into the wide-opened apartment window—Raph clearly had come back.

"Hey Raph?" I called.

There was a short moment of silence, and then, "here," it heard his voice coming from the bathroom in my bedroom.

I stepped into the bathroom.

"Hey,ya okay?" I asked. He was sitting on the cold floor and leaning back, resting his head on the rim of the bathtub.

"Yea," he mumbled.

I crouched down next to him.

"Y'got a cut on your head, man," I said.

"Oh." He touched his scalp and brought the bloodied hand into his sight. "Yeah."

I sighed and tossed a towel to him. "I'ma get changed an' ya better dry yerself too. A'right?"

He grunted in response. I walked out.

When I went back five minutes later, he was still there, sitting on that floor and looking vacantly ahead. He didn't touch the towel I'd given him.

"Toldja ta dry yeeself up, idiot," I heaved a sigh. "What's da big problem?"

He looked up, his glare cold.

"Wha'?" I asked.

He snickered. "What? Ya ask me? You didn't see the gun, huh?"

"What gun?" I frowned.

"The goon'd got a gun," he said.

I watched him. He stared back.

"Ya saved me anyway," I said, picking the towel up and sat down in front of him. I grabbed one of his green hand, put the towel on it. "Now dry yerself up, buddy."

.:.

I brought two bottle of beers and the med kit back into the bathroom.

"There ya go," I said, handing him a bottle.

He glanced up and saw the kit, "gimme that. I got it."

I sat down. "No, yer not even drying yourself, idiot. Whatcha think yer doin', huh?"

"He's got a gun, Casey," he muttered again.

"So what?" I exclaimed. "I'm alive an' well now."

He shook his head. "No, ya didn't get it, man."

"So ya wanna tell me what is it?" I raised an eyebrow.

He opened the bottle and gulped down several mouthfuls. And his head lowered. "He's got a gun," he repeated.

"And?"

"You could die!" His eyes shot up as he yelled at me, his shoulders tensed and shaky.

I leant back and watched him panting. His chin dropped again and he rubbed his face roughly.

"Hey Raph?"

He coughed and grunted.

"Yer a'right?" I asked, worried.

"Fuck off," he growled. "I-I need ta…I need ta be alone."

"C'mon man," I said. "What is…" I stopped, realizing that he was crying.

Dammit.

I picked up the towel and unconsciously started to wipe his face and head dry, and then his shoulder, his arms, and his plastron.

Sometimes I forgot that he was only fifteen since he always acted all tough and hard. And I was twenty-three, man, a goddam adult. And an complete idiot.

This kid just fucking killed a guy to save me.

I knew the turtles killed. They had to, sometimes. But goddammit, it was still a dirty job for them. And it didn't happen a lot when it came to Raph and I's own patrol. We were just busting some street gangs, not trained ninja assassins; most of the times we just knocked the punks unconscious.

"Ah, Raph," I sighed. "Uh, man…I'm sorry."

"Ya don't hafta be," he rasped.

"Oh I damn well should," I said, opening the med kit and taking out some bandages and antiseptic.

When I applied the alcohol on his wound, he didn't even flinch. I knew it stung like hell, but he never showed it. He just squinted a bit.

"It'll be over soon," I said quietly.

"Casey."

"Yeah."

"You're my friend, ya know that?"

"Yeah sure." I looked down, but he wasn't looking at me. He was eyeing the wall, as if it was something interesting to study.

"I-I-I was…so afraid that you'd die on dat."

"Hey, I'm here, okay?" I said.

"No," he said firmly. "Ya don't understand…I-I was afraid that…" He paused, and then went on, "you'd die, and that it wasn't until then that…had I realized…"

He swallowed. I wrapped the bandage slowly around his head. My fingers brushed against his cheek.

"What is it?" I asked softly, though I could vaguely guess what he was going to say.

I finished the wrapping.

"I like ya, man," he heaved it out, and then turned his gaze upon me. He looked sure and determined.

.:. .:. .:.

When I came into the living room, he was sitting on the couch, drinking another bottle of beer.

"Don'tcha need ta head home?" I asked him quietly.

"Where's April tonight?" he asked, ignoring my question.

"She's out visiting family."

Raph nodded.

I sat down next to him. We watched the TV in silence.

After he said that sentence in the bathroom, my head went into a turmoil. I had noticed. It would be lying if I said I hadn't known. Raphael had been acting strange lately, especially these two months. We used to goof off a lot, wrestling and brawling, but he didn't do that anymore.

"Hey," I said, suddenly.

He turned to look at me.

"Thanks fer savin' my ass."

He smiled, though still a bit weak. "Don' mention it."

"What ya said Raph—" I hesitated, but went on, "you're still a kid."

His eyes widened, and croaked an ill-humored laughter.

"What do ya mean by dat?" he asked with a slant smile. "I'm a kid?"

"You're too young to know…"

"Hey," he interrupted me with a tinge of sarcasm in his tone, "I just saved yer sorry ass."

I sighed. " No, Raph. Wait a sec a'right? I mean we're good friends an' we hang out a lot. And I'm gay and I knew it. But is it possible that you're, um, only a bit confused or somethin'?"

He stared at me, a bit perplexed and irritated, but most of all, surprised.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "You and April live together."

"As friends," I said. "And she knows, too."

"Wait a moment," he closed his eyes. "Need ta digest that."

"Take any time ya want," I shrugged.

"What do you mean—" he blinked and shook his head. "Shit. I don't know what yer talking about, Casey. But ya got me wrong."

"What do you mean I got ya wrong?"

"When I said I like ya, I didn't mean…as friends, ya know."

Raph said with an awkward shrug, playing with the beer bottle.

"Oh," I said. "I…I think I know."

"So…ya like guys?" he asked almost carefully.

I took a sip from the half-empty bottle of whiskey—had always saved this baby for rare occasions, no matter good or bad.

"Yup," I replied.

"So what is it like?" he leant closer. "'S it like that man's body make ya hot or somethin?"

"I thought ya like guys too, since ya…y'know." I glanced at him.

He slowly shook his head. "Nope, I don't like guys. It's just you. In fact, if ya had ta ask…I hate most of the humans," he twisted his lips into a bitter smirk.

"I think I know that," I mumbled. Yeah, judging from their interactions with human kind, it was an easy guess. "But see what I mean? Ya don't get a hard-on from seein a guy-on-guy porn or stuff. Maybe…ya know, uh, it's just that I'm your, only friend besides your brothers so that, um, ya just like me a lot an'…"

He chuckled as I was silly or something, and then he rolled his eyes.

"Don't get all wise Case," he took a swig from his bottle. "I know exactly how I feel."

And with that, he leant even closer until our nose almost touched. He hesitated for a moment, and then pressed his lips against mine.

-tbc-

a/n: reviews will be much appreciated, but rants or flames should go somewhere else. The second part of this fic is already finished. It will be posted in a day or two.