Chapter Four: Waiting on the World to Change

2000

"Hey, brother in law," Debbie said as she recognized Fitz picking over bell peppers in the produce section of Nob Hill grocery. Fitz looked up from his chore and grinned. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Yeah," Fitz chuckled, remembering that Deborah was well aware of his disdain for this particular parenting job. He had begged her enough times over the year that Olivia had been gone to add items for him and Vanessa to her list while she was out. Today was different though. Olivia was home and he hoped this stay would be permanent. She had been back for a week and was waiting to see if she would be accepted into an art program in New York. Though he wanted good things for her, Fitz felt that Olivia could study in a prestigious program in San Francisco—or at least on the West Coast. He had agreed to let her go and had never restricted her infrequent visits to their daughter, all in the hopes that the separation would be too much for her.

The opposite seemed to have been the case. Getting the best of all worlds, Olivia contacted him when she was lonely, and when she was busy, her contact slowed. She had been back one other time, very early after first leaving. Fitz had thought that had been it, too. But she had gone on to study and had accomplished a great many things in her time away. What could Fitz say or do to stop her? She was living her dreams, and now that he had moved out of her way, he couldn't throw down ultimatums again. So instead of hounding her about her plans, he had left Olivia with their daughter for some bonding time. He would go to the store, clear his head, and make them all dinner that evening. Then—he would give that ultimatum that he said he wouldn't do last year—because he just didn't think he could survive watching her walk away again.

"Fitz?" Debbie looked at him with some confusion.

"Hmm? Oh I'm sorry, I must have been daydreaming, I was trying to calculate a recipe in my head."

"You making dinner for everyone tonight?"

"Yeah," Fitz said bashfully as he put the items into his cart. "I hope Liv likes it. She doesn't do much cooking on her own."

Debbie nodded, the reason for Olivia's meals being lacking was obvious to the both of them. "I'd invite you," Fitz continued, "But I just want it to be us tonight."

"I understand," Debbie smiled at him. She rubbed her protruding belly and sighed. "I don't think that I'll move off the couch for the rest of my life once I get home, anyway."

"How's the baby?" Fitz asked.

"Gonna be a soccer player, not a scholar," Debbie joked.

"Hey now, why not both?"

"Yes, you're right, the women in my family certainly like to have their cake and eat it too." The joke was tinged with an uncomfortable silence. "Listen, I just wanted to say hello to you, not derail your grocery shopping, but I thought I would check on you since Liv got the news."

"News?"

"Oh uh, she got into the program she wanted, right? In Manhattan?"

Fitz trusted that the look on his face told his sister-in-law what she needed to know.

"She didn't say anything yet," Fitz replied. "I didn't know she got in."

"Oh I'm sure she was going to tell you tonight, during your special dinner," Debbie said backtracking. "I'm sorry, Fitz, I thought you knew."

"When is she leaving?"

Debbie sighed and looked at her hands resting over her abdomen. "Tomorrow."

Fitz cleared his throat and began looking around at the other stands of produce for what he needed.

"Oh hey, Fitz," Debbie said reaching for him, "I am sorry."

"It's okay, I'm sure we were going to talk about it tonight. I better get back to them."

"Fitz, look," Debbie walked after him as he moved down an aisle. "Why don't we take Vanessa tonight? Liv's had her all week, you two need to talk. I'll bring her back in the morning before Liv's flight."

"What time is her flight, since you are clearly the more informed one of the two of us?"

"I don't know, mid-afternoon, early evening."

"Yeah," Fitz agreed, "if you don't mind and are feeling up to having her."

"Are you kidding? My niece is a delight, and I can practice my mad diaper changing skills."

Fitz chuckled and mumbled a "thanks," before hurrying to finish his shopping and get home to Olivia.

When he arrived, Olivia was sitting on the couch with Vanessa draped over her. The baby was sleeping and Olivia was about to nod off too, remote in hand. She looked up at him with a smile as he went past her with an armful of groceries. He put them on the table and then gingerly picked up his daughter. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head and placed her in the nearby swing. He turned on the music and rocker function so that she would keep snoozing while he talked to Olivia, who had already begun emptying the bags.

"Oh my god, you're going to make pizza?" Olivia asked excitedly. "When will it be ready, I'm starving? What can I do to help, chop vegetables? Where's the knife?" She answered her own question as she rummaged through the drawers.

"Yes, in a couple of hours, I know, and yes you can chop vegetables. Everything is where it always is." If Olivia noticed his tone she didn't say anything. He noticed she paused and then continued taking groceries out of the bags in silence.

"So what took so long at the store?" Olivia finally asked causally as she watched him put the pizza dough on the counter to rise.

"Ran into Deb," Fitz replied. "In fact, I should go pack an overnight bag for the baby, because Deb's gonna keep her tonight."

A look of panic flashed across Olivia's face, but she said nothing. Opening and closing her mouth, he guessed she must be trying to think of an explanation for keeping their daughter home tonight, other than admitting it was because it was going to be her last night at home.

"We can't ask her to do that, she's like 12 years pregnant," Olivia said.

"She's not due for another two months. Plus her husband will be there."

"Did you ask her?"

"No, she volunteered, wanted to give us time to talk, but she said she'd bring her by after breakfast."

"Oh, I guess that's all right," Olivia sighed.

Fitz moved to go upstairs to pack a bag for Vanessa, when Olivia moved ahead of him. "You go ahead and finish up down here, goodness knows chopping vegetables is where my contribution ends, and I'll pack her bag."

"All right," Fitz sighed. Once she was gone, he thought long and hard about what he was going to do next. This program was going to take Olivia away for at least another 2 – 3 years. It wouldn't have bothered him at all if she committed to something near them, something where he could get to her quickly if he needed to, but New York was too far away. She couldn't live with them or see their daughter, and frankly he'd had enough of this. Hadn't he given up dreams too?

Fitz let out a deep breath. The truth was, he was already in graduate school when they met. He completed his degree before Olivia gave birth, and he had the job he wanted. He was on the path. He hadn't had to give up what Olivia would stand to give up if she took a teaching job locally and became a working mom. She wanted her advanced degree and she deserved to have it. He wished she would compromise and do it on this side of the country, but he didn't have the right to ask her to compromise her first choice. No one had asked him to give up anything—except his wife.

Where would it end? He didn't tell Olivia that Vanessa had called Debbie 'mama' by mistake; and that after that he'd limited their contact for a while. He didn't tell her that he got up when Vanessa fussed at night because he sensed that she would take a while to get used to Olivia's presence again and then what use would he be when she was gone again? Fitz couldn't say that he'd met someone who piqued more than a casual interest and that if he weren't married, he would have asked this woman out. He couldn't say any of that and expect Olivia to want to stay. Those words would send Olivia even faster to New York.

The timer took him from his thoughts. He heard the shower turn off upstairs and heard the sliding glass door on the closet slide open. Olivia kept her things in the bureau. She wouldn't need to open that closet for anything unless she was digging out her luggage. Fitz decided against satisfying his curiosity and focused on rolling out the dough.

Olivia came back downstairs just as he was putting the pizzas into the double oven in the wall. He'd made her vegetarian one just as she liked, but put extra pepperoni on his because he knew she'd steal at least one slice.

"God that smells good, did you make the sauce tonight, too?" she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. Her skin was still warm and damp from the shower and her hair was still wet. He busied himself cleaning, but gave her arm a squeeze of encouragement.

"Yep, homemade sauce, your grandmother's recipe actually," he said as he angled his head towards the recipe box on the counter.

"That woman could make anything," Liv said sadly. She walked over to the box. "Hey, dessert's on me, how about it?" She didn't wait for a response from Fitz, but instead started taking out ingredients. "What do you feel like? Let's get gluttonous, why don't we? Pizza for dinner, and cinnamon rolls for dessert?"

Fitz couldn't help his genuine laughter. She was so petite, but she could eat and drink him under the table. Her enthusiasm for sugar was endearing.

"Sure," he said. He walked over the swing and picked up Vanessa who was now watching them and babbling softly. He sat at the island in the kitchen and watched his wife prepare the recipe as best she could, between reading the words scrawled on the index card from twenty years ago and asking him questions. She made a mess and they laughed all the way through it, neither one of them mentioning the pink elephant in the room.

They ate dinner in comfortable silence; the only noise coming from their daughter was she tried a bit of this or a nibble of that. When Fitz wasn't looking, Vanessa had picked up a cinnamon roll and smashed the whole thing into her face. With a yelp from her father, Vanessa had dropped the sticky confection and grinned with a ring of thick white icing around her face. The both of them had broken up into peals of laughter, which had a domino effect on their daughter, and then again on them.

The reverie was interrupted by the doorbell, which they remembered to be Debbie. Olivia scooped the baby up and began cleaning her, while Fitz let Debbie in and then started cleaning the kitchen.

When they were finally alone and Fitz started to walk up the stairs to their bedroom, Olivia put a hand on his and stopped him.

"Fitz, before you go upstairs, there's something I need to talk to you about."

"Talk to me about? Or tell me?" Fitz asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean are we going to have a conversation about the fact that you got into the school in New York that you wanted, and that maybe you'll consider applying to schools here too, or are you going to just tell me that you're leaving in the morning?"

He didn't need to ask further when he saw the look on her face. "My sister told you, didn't she?"

"Not on purpose," Fitz replied. "She thought I already knew which is why she offered to babysit, to give us some time alone-because this is our last night together."

Olivia followed Fitz upstairs. He paused at the doorway to their bedroom and she collided with him softly. He instantly turned around and picked her up. Instinctively her legs wrapped around his and her arms fell into place around his shoulders. Fitz pushed her back against the wall and let his forehead rest against hers.

"Fitz," she breathed out when he began kissing her neck. Her emotions conflicted, but her body always responded to his machinations. Ignoring her, he continued to kiss his way up to her mouth, silencing her. Olivia kissed him back thoroughly, running her fingers through his hair and cradling his head in position so she could kiss him the way she wanted to.

They made love for what would be the last time in many years, in the hallway in that house. The next morning, Fitz went out while Olivia finished packing. He brought the baby home earlier than planned so he could have a distraction while she got ready to leave. When it was time, he took her to the airport. They hadn't discussed anything. Olivia promised to be back in time for Christmas, but when she got there and discovered that a major project would be due at that time, she called Fitz and asked him to fly to her for New Year's. Fitz had responded by mailing her divorce papers.

Today, Alameda Hospital Waiting Room

Olivia paced in circles while Fitz sat rigidly in his chair. They were the only two in the room besides a nurse and a janitor.

"Why does she have the keys to that car?" Olivia snapped suddenly. They hadn't been speaking for some long minutes now.

"I didn't give her the keys, Olivia. She left school and came home, and took the car. I told you that."

"Why does she have ACCESS to the keys then," Olivia said sarcastically. She hated when he played the game of semantics with her.

"Because I trust our daughter, and as you know, she has never done anything like this before."

Olivia turned away from him then, angry at this detached way he displayed his anger. He rarely yelled, rarely showed her his emotions anymore. She missed the man he used to be. The man he had been just yesterday when he passionately and recklessly made love to her-the man who she could incite with just a look or a word—not this broken, quiet man who had been pushed to his limit by the death of his wife and now injury of his daughter in the same week.

He kept his head down and his jaw line was set tightly. Looking at him now she felt overwhelming sympathy mix with anger at his lack of response. She was about to say something more when the doctor came into the room. Fitz got to his feet and stood with Olivia as he approached.

"We're her parents, is my daughter all right?" Olivia and Fitz said at the same time. Olivia flinched slightly at Fitz's use of the word "my."

"Your daughter has a slight contusion on her forehead but she's going to be all right. I'd like to talk to you about her blood test results."

"What she drinking? Was it drugs?" Olivia asked.

"No, there were no drugs or alcohol in her system."

"Then I don't get it," Fitz said. "Why did she crash the car? Was one of her friends driving?"

"No, according to your daughter she was driving."

"Well this doesn't make sense, she has her license, she drives her brothers sometimes—she knows how to navigate a car on this island."

"Let the man talk," Olivia interrupted.

"We found dangerously low levels of sugar in your daughter's blood."

"Sugar?" Olivia and Fitz said simultaneously.

"Yes, your daughter has tested positive for type 1 diabetes."

"That doesn't make any sense," Olivia said, shaking her head.

"It does, actually. It runs in both our families. She hasn't been eating well, sleeping more. Haven't you noticed that?" Fitz asked.

Olivia didn't like the accusatory tone. She took Fitz's implication that he noticed their daughter's behavior even in his grief. She pushed down her own guilt, knowing that she had been focused on a work project lately, but she was not a neglectful parent. She just thought Vanessa had the behavior and appetite of any teenager.

The doctor interrupted their staring contest. "Likely, she experienced low blood sugar suddenly, and passed out while driving. The police told us that there wasn't much damage, there wasn't another car involved. She hit her head on the steering wheel, I'm told by the EMTs who responded to the scene."

"But she's going to be all right?"

"Yes, many people lead normal lives, but there'll have to be some changes to her diet, and she'll need insulin."

"Shots?" Olivia asked.

"Perhaps, but we're going to monitor her and keep testing her. She'll be here a day or two, but we'll send her home with a regimen to manage it. She's going to be just fine."

"Thank you doctor," Fitz said, extending his hand. The doctor shook Fitz's hand and then took Olivia's. He smiled warmly at them both and pointed them to a section of pamphlets on the wall. A nurse appeared with some paperwork, and when it was all finished, Olivia and Fitz sat next to each other, staring out the window at the water. From where they were on the sixth floor, they could see all the way to the City.

"She's my daughter too," Olivia said suddenly. Fitz looked at her strangely. "I know you like to pick and choose when that's true, but she's my daughter, too."

"I don't have time to pamper your vanity, Olivia," Fitz replied. "We know you're her mother."

"But you're the parent, right? You're the one with a complete family and a big house, and more money. You're the one people call when there's an emergency; you're the one that makes the decisions?"

"I don't have a complete family anymore, but thanks for pointing that out, Liv."

Olivia grimaced when he got up and walked away. She regretted not choosing her words more carefully; she was just worried about her daughter.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, Fitz, but this is our daughter." Before she could stand and go to him, Debbie came into the room. She went to Fitz immediately and hugged him.

Olivia looked at their prolonged embrace with a bit of suspicion, but pushed it away when her sister came just as quickly over to her. Olivia never liked watching any woman, even her sister, put their hands on Fitz.

"I got here as soon as I could, I had to get the kids squared away," Debbie said.

"It's okay," Liv replied.

"How is she?"

"She's going to be fine. She passed out while she was driving."

"Oh my god," Debbie said. "How does a 16 year old kid pass out while driving? Was she drunk or high or something?"

"No, they said she has diabetes," Olivia said with a little anguish on her voice.

"Oh, Fitz," Debbie said as she extended a hand to him, and dropped Olivia's. The move made Olivia roll her eyes. How long was she going to have to keep being thought of as the secondary parent? This was her baby, too. "This explains the napping at my house and stuffing her face with sugar."

"Well I don't know about the sugar," Fitz chuckled, "she has always been able to eat a whole plate of your grandmother's cinnamon rolls on her own. But I just looked up this article and it says this is the age it can show up. Didn't an aunt of yours have this?"

"Yes, our great Aunt Cecily, and two of her children."

"I'll leave you two to discuss it," Olivia said bitterly as Debbie and Fitz both looked over at her.

"Where are you going?" Debbie asked.

"To sit with my daughter."