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Roger Mitchell had been an employee at the city hall for twenty-five years, and never would he have expected his life to be endangered.

Working at the office that formalized civil unions should be the safer job in the world, and look at him now: he was shaking like a leaf, sweating profusely and clutching his chest so hard his nails dug in the white fabric of his shirt. He felt as if he was about to have a heart-attack.

There was nothing but his desk between him and two of the most dangerous criminals of Gotham City, the Scarecrow and the Mad Hatter.

"Excuse me, sir," the Hatter started politely. "Is this the Registry Office for Civil Unions?"

Roger opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water; the collar of his shirt felt at least two sizes tighter.

The Scarecrow stepped forward, eyes flaming behind his burlap mask as he talked with a stern deep voice that made color drain from the poor man's face.

"He asked you a question."

The clerk began to stutter something unintelligible, eyeing the long, threatening blade of the scythe the villain was holding and that was currently looming over him.

"See? I told you that bringing my scythe was a bit excessive. Now he doesn't seem to be able to focus on anything else" stated the Scarecrow, fiddling affectionately with the blade of his weapon.

"Nonsense" Hatter smiled and shook his head. He reached for his partner and adjusted the noose around his neck like he would have done with a tie. "It's our wedding day, you've got to look at your best, Jonathan. I assure you that you make the most terrifying impression in this attire."

Scarecrow smiled, or seemed to, it was hard to tell with the mask, and gently stroked the other villain's cheek. "You flatter me. I bet you just want to hear me say how stunning you look."

Jervis blushed. "Why, you really think so? I just wore my best hat, that's all" he said, referring to the black top hat decorated with a 10/6 card, a silk blue ribbon and red and peacock-blue hatpins. With a pristine gloved hand, he toyed in mock embarrassment with the white rose in the buttonhole of his jacket. "Though maybe I should have painted this rose red, what do you say?"

"That there's no way you could look more beautiful to me."

Roger Mitchell decided to risk everything, now that the two rogues seemed too occupied to notice him. He crouched down and tried to walk little steps toward the door.

Then the sharp tip of the scythe landed with a loud thud on the table, two inches away from his head, stabbing the wood with such violence it made him jump out of his skin.

The Scarecrow had wielded his weapon so suddenly that even Hatter flinched, but contrary to Roger, he recovered quickly.

"And just where do you think you're going?" the taller criminal reproached. "You still have to answer our question, and don't try any tricks. I assure you that this blade is perfectly capable of cutting your stomach open, or your head off, depending on what you hold dearer. So, kindly tell us if this is the office we're looking for, because my patience is running thin."

It took all the courage the employee had left to speak.

"Y-yes, sirs… I-it is."

The Mad Hatter clasped his hands together. "Apparently I was right, Jonathan: second floor to the left."

"Lucky guess."

"Anyway, mister…" the blond squinted his eyes over his name-tag. "Mitchell, right? I believe you're the deputy marriage commissioner, if I'm not mistaken."

The man nodded.

"Perfect. You see, today we decided to celebrate our wedding, and we would like to know which and how many papers we need to sign in order to make it official. To sum it up, allow us to get legally married and then you're free to go, safe and sound."

Apparently, Roger Mitchell took his job very seriously, because even in that hazardous occurrence he dared to point out: "B-but sirs… You… you can't get married h-h-here. It's not… it's illegal…"

Jonathan huffed in deep annoyance, fished a tin canister out of his pocket, and dangled it under the clerk's nose. "Why don't we see if it's possible to die of fright? I never ran a test like that on a human subject before, and you're making me pretty curious. Do you want to show me what are you afraid of?"

The wild beats of the man's heart were so loud and fast they could almost be heard over the rattling of his teeth. Hatter however put a hand on his companion's arm.

"Jonathan, please, we agreed no experiments on our wedding day. Besides, if he dies we won't be able to obtain the documents we need."

"P-p-please sirs… Try to u-understand. I can't allow something like this, I'll l-lose my job, not to mention it's a c-crime."

Hatter shook his head as one would do with a particularly stupid kid. "I really wish you wouldn't be so difficult." He rushed forward and with a powerful swat he knocked a pile of papers off the clerk's desk to make room for himself; he took a 10/6 card out of his pocket and held it between his index and medium finger, then he rested his elbows on the wooden surface.

"You know what this is?" Jervis asked, presenting the card. Roger Mitchell swallowed hard: he read the newspapers, so he knew.

"Now, I can tuck this device behind your hear and instruct you to get us what we want, and no matter how adverse you are to this, you'll do it. But of course, that would deny my boyfriend the pleasure of seeing your terrified face, thus ruining what should be the happiest day of our lives. Then, I'll have to order you to jump from the Gotham Bridge to make amends, and don't doubt that you'll do that too."

"P-p-please, I… I beg you! I have a f-f-family…" pleaded the shocked employee.

"Me too" said Jervis, and pointed at Jonathan. "He's in this room right now, waiting for our union to become official, and come hell or high water, I'll make you do what it's needed for this to happen. Now's you're choice: you can make things a lot easier on your own volition, or I can make them for you, and it won't be pleasing."

Roger Mitchell never worked so fast in his life. Luckily he had all the right documents in his office, and he could modify the details with his computer and then print the new papers with the copy-machine. He didn't even wanted to think about all the laws he was breaking; the only thing he was worried about now was to avoid his imminent death. He felt the two rogues' eyes on him and thought of himself as a wounded animals surrounded by vultures who were just waiting for him to give a sign of weakness before devouring his fragile body.

"S-sign here… and here… and here" Roger pointed on the papers. Jervis did, and when Jonathan approached to do the same, the employee almost had a breakdown.

"So, would that be all?" asked the Scarecrow, inserting the papers safely in one of his pockets.

"Yes, sirs… absolutely sirs…"

"Oh, I almost forgot!" said Jervis, before taking a small velvet box out of his cobalt coat's pocket. He opened it and revealed two shiny platinum wedding bands, simple but elegant. "What wedding would that be without the rings?"

Jonathan smiled, and examined one of the jewels. He saw there was something carved inside the band. It said: 'Wear me', in elegant cursive script, followed by his name and the current date. He was amused.

"You couldn't renounce to your Wonderland antics, I see."

"Nope" snickered the shorter man. "But for our honeymoon I'll let you do anything you want."

Jonathan took the blond's hand and removed the white glove before letting the ring slide smoothly on his finger. The whole process made Jervis tremble with joy like a kid in Candyland, and continued to do so even when he did the same, putting the ring on Jonathan's bony digit.

The two rogues held their hands and stared lovingly in each other's eyes for what it looked like an endless time. When Roger Mitchell finally thought it was over, Jervis turned and stared at him mildly annoyed.

"Don't we get at least some words to accompany the celebration? We didn't go to a church just because Jonathan isn't much the religious type, but I want things done properly."

The city hall employee looked like he was about to cry.

"But I… I'm not a-a priest, I wouldn't know…" And besides, any formula should have been said before the ring exchange, but the clerk didn't find the guts to say so.

Jervis's smile was falsely soothing. "I'm sure you can come up with something. And if you have any trouble, speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing."

Roger made his best to remember all the romantic movies he saw with his wife, searching in his memory for one that held a wedding scene in the plot. Now he really wished he didn't fall asleep mid-movie.

"D-dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the sight of God and this company…"

"What company? There's only the three of us" protested the Scarecrow. "Cut it short and come to the best part."

When this is finished, thought Roger, I'm gonna book a whole five years appointments with a very good shrink. He continued, and assumed it would be best to use their normal names instead of their rogue titles; he hoped it was the right choice:

"Well, uhm… Do you, Mr J-J-Jonathan Crane take Mr Jervis Tetch, to be your lawfully wedded husband; to h-have and to hold from this day forward, for better, or for worse, for richer, or for poorer, in sickness, and in health? With r-r-respect for his integrity and faith in your union, do you promise to unfailingly seek out the best you can in him, lo-loving him every day, in every way, until the end of your forever? If so, please answer: I do."

"I do" promised Jonathan.

"And do you, Mr Jervis Tetch take Mr Jonathan Crane, to be your lawfully wedded husband; to have and to hold from t-this day forward, for better, or for worse, for richer, or for poorer, in sickness, and in health? With respect for his in-integrity and faith in your union, do you promise to unfailingly seek out the best you can in him, loving him every day, in every way, until the end of your forever? If so, please answer: I do."

He was glad he said this all so quickly he managed to stutter only a few times, for it could have been a matter of seconds before his poor heart gave in.

"I do!" exclaimed Jervis joyfully.

"It is… Oh, God!... It is with great pleasure that I now pronounce you, uhm… husband and husband, yes… You may k-kiss the husband" he said, to no one in particular.

Jervis stood on his tiptoe and lift Crane's scarecrow mask up, revealing his face like a groom would lift a bride's veil, and the two rogues sealed their mouth together in a deep kiss, eyes closed and cheeks rosy. It would have been the most romantic of scenes, if you didn't consider the circumstances and the clerk held hostage.

When they finally separated for breath, they appeared not just happy, but radiant.

"The whole world will die with envy as soon as it becomes aware of my luck. Thank you so much Mr… Mitchell, right?" chirped Jervis.

"S… so it is over, right? Can I go, now?" pleaded Roger Mitchell, hands joined together in front of him.

Jonathan lowered his mask, put an arm around Hatter's shoulders and pulled him close.

"He's already hyperventilating, the toxin will affect him in no time, but you, my love, would have to hold your breath for a little while." Then he took the same canister he had used to threaten the employee.

Jervis snuggled close to him grinning manically, and Roger instantly understood what was about to happen.

"But… But you said you would have let me go! Please, don't do this!"

"And we'll let you go. Right after I hear you scream in agony, if you don't mind. It's our wedding, everything should be perfect, and your delightful fear would be the cherry on top" explained Scarecrow, a moment before spraying the man with his fear toxin.

On his behalf, they had to admit the man tried valiantly to resist, but after six seconds he was screaming and hollering and clutching his head on the floor, face red and swollen and mouth agape.

"That's music to my ears" relished Jonathan.

"Our song" added Jervis dreamily, as if having a man shrieking in hysterics on the floor was the equivalent of a fine orchestra playing.

"Now let's flee before someone ears him. We have a plane to catch."

Getting out of the city hall was almost as easy as getting in, at least when you passed from the roof. The Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow towered over Gotham, admiring the city skyline one beside the other, as happy as they could be.

"I just hope that the Bat won't come here ruining the day. It would be very rude of him, that man simply has no respect" said Jervis.

"Don't worry, he won't come" Jonathan assured.

"How can you be so sure?"

"You'll see…"

As if his words had set something off, a loud explosion boomed in the otherwise quiet air. In the far end of the city, they could see a cloud of black smoke raising to the sky.

"What's that?" asked the blond.

Jonathan shrugged.

"I just told Harley Quinn I needed a favor: that I was going to get married and I needed her to deflect the attention of a certain flying rodent. You know how romantic she is, she agreed without even thinking, and told me she would create the right amount of chaos so no one would have disturbed us. Of course, when she moves, the Joker moves; he wouldn't pass the opportunity to annoy Batman, and that's where the explosion comes from."

Impressive, Jervis had to admit. "I thought you did this only to please me. Instead you planned everything to make it impeccable. You're a true sweetheart."

Jonathan bent down and kissed him on the lips.

"Be sure not to call me that in public, I have an image to keep up. Come on now, it's a long road from here to the airport, and we need to catch the flight to our honeymoon. We can wreak some havoc along the way, if you want."

Jervis returned the kiss with doubled enthusiasm.

"You know I'm always up to some quality time with you, Mr Crane-Tetch."

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Pretty silly, isn't it? But I always wanted to write both a sickfic and a wedding scene, so here they are.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I did writing. See you next time!