AN: Inspired by a hilarious 'Texts from Superheroes' post on tumblr.

This is kind of an odd mish-mash of just about every Marvel universe in existence, but mostly the MCU, 616, and Ultimate universes (i.e., I had MCU Hill and Fury in mind, but they're mostly referring to 616 and Ultimate versions of the superheroes mentioned).

Unbeta'ed and written off the top of my head with embarrassingly little thought involved, so apologies in advance for any mistakes.

~Variety Is Not Always The Spice of Life~

Fury glared intently at the readings on the screen in front of him, assessing.

"It doesn't look good, sir." Hill said, flipping through something on a tablet before handing it off to a passing agent.

"No, it doesn't." Fury agreed. "Why do these fucking aliens keep getting it in their heads to invade New York? Why not the outskirts of Lowville, Nebraska, instead?" he grumbled irritably.

"They also seem to bother Tokyo a lot, too, sir." a junior agent piped up from his station. Fury and Hill ignored him, though one of the senior agents gave him the lazy eye, so he wisely shut up and went back to his work.

"Hill, assemble the Avengers!" Fury snapped gruffly, spinning around and preparing to stalk dramatically off the bridge.

"Which team, sir?" Hill asked briskly.

Fury frowned. "Which team? The Avengers! You know, the team of superheroes that are a royal pain in my ass?"

"Yes, but which ones?" Hill asked. "Secret? New? Young? Mighty? Uncanny? West Coast?"

Fury blinked, counting in his head and coming up empty.

"We have...? No, never mind, get whichever team doesn't have Hawkeye. I don't think arrows are gonna cut it for these fuckers."

Hill gave a swift nod and consulted another tablet she seemed to have appropriated from nowhere. "Girl Hawkeye or Guy Hawkeye?"

Fury eyed her incredulously. "When did we get a second one?" he demanded. "And what's the difference?"

"One of them has a penis, sir."

"I know what-!" Fury choked, then shook his head. "Just- just get me whatever team has the Hulk on it!"

"Red Hulk, She-Hulk, Red She-Hulk, Hulkling, or Hulk Hulk?" Hill listed, swiping and making images of each pop up on the monitors.

"Whichever one gets angry!"

Hill looked up at him. "Red Hulk, She-Hulk, Red She-Hulk-"

"Dammit, just assemble the team that's led by Captain America!" Fury snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose and wondering when his life had become so out of control.

"Former Captain America, current Captain America, or original Captain America?"

"THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE CHRIS EVANS!" Fury exploded, making every agent on deck but Hill jump.

Hill frowned at him in confusion. "You mean the Human Torch? Sir, the Fantastic Four isn't under our jurisdiction-"

"I know that!" Fury bellowed. "Dammit, THIS is why we needed a damn Registration system! So we can just call people by their damn names and know which damn superhero we want!" he fumed, stalking over to the monitors to pull up an image of the invading forces, as well as a smaller image of Mjolnir. "Fuck it, just get me Thor on the line! Maybe these aliens will back off if we put the fear of thunder god into them."

Hill nodded, then paused, hand hovering over her tablet. "Thor-Thor or Female-Thor?"

"GODDAMMIT HILL!"